AJ
The anger was getting too much, up till
the point he felt he was gonna explode, as he banged on the hotel room door
with his fists. There was no way he could explain what had happened tonight,
but he knew something had to change. Goddamnit Nickolas, open the
door!
“Alright, alright, hold your horses, jesus!” He heard a muffled
voice say. A few seconds later the door opened and a very sleepy looking Nick
Carter was staring at him.
“What, did I oversleep again or something?” the kid asked
innocently.
“No, not this time…” AJ McLean snorted.
“Then what the hell are you doing here at…. 5 am in the morning?”
Nick wanted to know as he looked at his watch. Oh. AJ hadn’t realized it was that early,
but right now, he really didn’t care. Besides, having an nine-months old child,
he was used to waking up at all the wrong hours of the night, so he thought
that Nick should get used to it as well.
“Where’s Brian?” He could barely hold back the anger in his voice.
“Ummmm, asleep I suppose.”
“Are you sure about that?” Nick was looking at him weirdly, like
he didn’t understand what he was talking about and AJ realized that it was
probably too early for Nick to understand anything.
“Umm yeah, he’s right over there,” Nick pointed to the empty bed
at the other side of the room.
“Oh… I see”
“He’s not anymore…”
“Wow, nothing gets by you, does it Nick?” AJ had to keep himself
under control, otherwise he would have surely punched the blond in his too
pretty face.
“Where could he have gone?”
“I have no idea, but we need to find him, he’s dangerous…”
1 day earlier
“Hey, Rok, what you dooooin’?”
AJ asked Brian, who was sitting at the table, guitar in his lap, deep in
concentration. They were at the studio once again to, well AJ didn’t know
exactly what the heck they were doing this time. Somehow, and AJ thanked the
heavens for that, their career had risen from its ashes and seemed to take off
once again. It was incredible and AJ didn’t know how to explain it. Maybe it
was just because of the fact that they were celebrating 20 years together,
maybe it was just dumb luck. The music industry is
weird. Tonight
would be the night, tonight they would let the world meet the Backstreet Boys
again. Tonight it was exactly 20 years ago since Brian stepped into that room
in Orlando and they had been the Backstreet Boys ever since. There was going to
be a huge concert tonight, bigger than they had done in years, so saying that
AJ was excited would be an understatement. Hell, everyone was excited for
tonight, even Brian.
“I’m trying to write a song.”
“Cool! How’s it coming along?”
“Slow, very slow…”
“Can I help?” AJ was bored. He usually loved being in the studio,
but today things were just going too slow.
“Nope, doc says I should do it alone.”
“Ah, so you’re actually doing what Krysler
says now? There’s a revolution.”
“Oh you’re hilarious, did you know that?”
“Just let me see, I’m boooooored!” AJ
whined.
“No way dude, go and annoy someone else.”
“Well, at least Bub gets to stay…” He looked
jealously at Bub, sitting next to Brian on the couch,
hopping nervously on the seat. Looks like Bub’s bored as well.
They had gotten Brian a puppy dog on his birthday in February,
which he ironically named Bub, and now, two months
later, the dark brown Labrador had gone everywhere along with his master. It
had been Nick’s idea to buy a dog actually. “Because Brian needs something to take care of.”
But for Nick to actually choose a dog, was a whole other story. They had gone
to probably a million dog breeders, but Nick had dismissed all of them. Till
Howie got so fed up with it, that he dragged the youngest Backstreet member to
one of the Labrador breeders and picked one out himself, not caring if Nick
agreed or not. AJ wished he had been there to see it, it would have been
hilarious. Howie D could be very assertive and convincing at times. They knew
Brian had always preferred small dogs, but, as Nick put it, it was time for
change. Secretly AJ suspected that Nick just liked bigger dogs more himself.
But Brian hadn’t complained about the size of the dog. He just took the animal
with him and seemed to be happy with it.
“That’s because Bub’s not annoying me
like you are.” Brian answered without looking up from the pieces of paper
scattered on the table. AJ knew he should leave, Brian always got particularly
cranky when someone was interrupting him when he was trying to write a song, but today AJ
was in an annoying mood.
“Oh, please, please, please, let me hear it?” AJ begged,
just because for the heck of it.
“No! It’s not finished yet. Besides, I’m just doing this for
myself, not for the whole world to hear!”
“Why not?”
“Dude, it’s way too personal to share with the rest of the world.”
Now AJ got really curious. “Is it too personal to share with me
too?”
Brian seemed to contemplate that question and then he anwered: “Absolutely.”
“Awww, come on!”
“Okay, doc said I should find a way to express grief, got it?”
Brian didn’t wait for an answer. “So I’m writing a song, cause that’s what I
do. Now you either leave this room by yourself, or…”
“Or what?” AJ asked innocently.
“Or I’ll send Bub after your ass.” They
both started laughing simultaneously as they watched the 4 months old Labrador
looking at them curiously. The animal wouldn’t even be able to hurt a fly, even
if he wanted to. He did anything Brian told him to, though.
“Bub, get him!” That didn’t say that he
understood everything Brian told him to do. Bub
barked once and jumped upon AJ, licking all over his face.
“Great, you got me a stupid dog.”
“He takes after Nick too much!” Damn! They were on a roll.
“I think he should have been blond!”
“I
heard that!” came a vague reply from beyond the closed door. That’s
when they lost all their self-control and almost started to roll on the floor,
laughing so hard.
“Stop it, I can’t take it anymore!” AJ yelled, “my stomach hurts!”
He could see Brian wasn’t even able to answer, too busy composing himself. He
didn’t have much success. It had been a long time ago since AJ had laughed
this hard, and he bet that it had been even longer for Brian. It felt amazing.
A lot had changed between them in six months. In some ways they had grown apart
since that one night. But AJ didn’t feel he had to be angry with Brian anymore,
the blond singer hadn’t given him a reason for his outburst six months ago, but
he hadn’t been acting threatening anymore either. So AJ just did his best to
keep his daughter away from Brian as much as possible, and Brian didn’t seem to
mind. But sometimes he still wondered what had been going on inside Brian’s
head all those months ago…
In an unguarded moment, AJ snatched one of the papers lying on the
table.
“MCLEAN, GIVE THAT BACK IMMEDIATELY!” Brian yelled, but yelling
never got the desired results with AJ. It just made it more fun to torment the
shorter singer even more.
“Oh, is there something in here you don’t want me to read?”
“None of your business! Give it back!” It wasn’t fair really, but
AJ couldn’t help it as he held the piece of paper high above Brian’s reach.
“AJ, give that back and let Brian finish what he started.” Of
course, that could only be one thing.
“Yes Dad.” Kevin. Sometimes it was like he hadn’t ever left at
all. The oldest Backstreet Boy had always seen it as his duty to keep everyone
in check, to make sure everybody was behaving like it was expected of them. Someone oughta tell Kevin that we’re 30 and older… AJ thought as he realized he
was still holding the paper in his grasp.
He didn’t really have any intention of reading what was on it, but
Brian’s sharp reaction got his attention sparked. He looked around. Apparently
Kevin left as quick as he had come in. Brian was looking frustrated at him, but
AJ could see that he wasn’t really mad. It was more like he was challenging him
to read it, or that was how AJ saw it anyway. But he wished he hadn’t read what
was on it.
Heavenless
I stand still, I'm frozen
I feel no pain, my heart stopped
I'm chosen, like snow I fade away
My arms weak with emptiness
My soul sleeps, I am heavenless
There's no sky above me
Still shadows I can see
The darkness took over and set me free
No laughter, no tenderness
Hereafter is heavenless
Heavenless
Alone I seem, it’s freezing me
The ice runs deep inside of me
The earth spins beneath me
As lifetime slips away
Each moment so quickly becoming yesterday
Afraid I die of loneliness
I'm scared that I am heavenless
“Wow…” AJ didn’t know what to say, what to think. Usually, Brian’s
lyrics were about thankfulness and happiness, and all the sappy, cheesy stuff,
but this… Did this really come
from Brian?
“I’d… I’d like to have that back
now, please…” Brian seemed embarrassed and turned
back to sit on the couch when AJ handed him the paper, but he didn’t get back
to work. The room fell silent, even Bub stopped
bouncing, like he could sense the tension in the room. It’s hard not to…
“Is that really how you’re feeling,
Rok?” AJ asked the blond man tentatively.
Brian stayed silent for such a long time that AJ thought he wasn’t
going to answer anymore. Then he spoke silently: “I don’t know… sometimes… I
guess… how would you feel?”
Good question… AJ had no
idea and he had no intention of finding out. “Probably the same…” Brian nodded
sadly, “Yeah, well… anyway, I wrote that song a long time ago, so it feels
different now, I think…”
“It does?”
Brian just shrugged. “Maybe. It gets different in time… Of all the
papers on the table, why’d you have to pick that one?”
AJ, having had enough of the philosophical wonderings, changed the
subject quickly.
“So what song are you writing now?”
“A much happier one!” Brian replied with a smile. Good.
“Good.”
“Wanna hear it?”
AJ looked at him, surprised. Brian seemed to have forgotten about
his determination to keep the song to himself. He probably just needs to
share it. AJ was too curious to say no.
“Sure!” He went to sit next to Bub, who
was staring intently at him. AJ stared back at the dog. What does he want from me?
“Brian, why’s your dog staring at me like that?” AJ asked, still
not able to turn his gaze away from the dog’s.
“Oh, he is probably waiting for you to throw him one of those
cookies.” Brian said, pointing at the dog cookies on the table.
“But I’m not gonna!” AJ declared.
“Ah good, cause he’s only four months old and he’s getting too fat
already.”
“In that case…” AJ grabbed a handful of cookies and threw them at
the dog. Bub jumped of the couch happily to collect
all of the biscuits scattered on the floor. Brian watched disapprovingly.
“You never do as you’re told, now do you?”
“Nope. Now let’s hear the song!”
When Brian started playing, AJ closed his eyes, as he always did
when he heard a song for the first time.
When I call you in the morning
And tell you everything's alright
If I can see into the future
I would see the danger in the night
When I hear the siren wailing
I see the flashin' of
light
I know that there is trouble
And there are battles yet to fight
‘cause I may not have all the answers, no
I wouldn't have it any other way
And there's an inner peace I'm seeking
There's a lightness in my soul
And every time I think I found it,
I wanna touch it, feel it whole
And the day that I stop asking
Will be the day I say goodbye
The world may not be safer
But there's no truth without the lie
I may not have all the answers, no
I wouldn't have it any other way
When you're deep in troubles waters
You've got to fight for every breath
And you feel you’re getting weaker
You're facing life, you're facing death
And if you have a God to turn to
Don't turn the other way
Or a friend that you can call on
Just a prayer that you can say
I may not have all the answers, no
I wouldn't have it any other way
It sounded wonderful, genuine and straight from the heart.
“Man, we should record this!” AJ exclaimed.
“No way, it’s my song!”
“So what? Come on, we’re not doing anything in this studio today
anyway!”
“Go write your own song!”
AJ didn’t reply. He would convince Brian eventually, but got
distracted when Rochelle entered, together with Ava. He got up and walked
towards them, trying to be not too happy to see them. He could almost feelBrian’s
longing, sad gaze on him.
Ava seemed to be in a happy mood today. She crowed and laughed the
whole time. More disturbingly, she especially laughed and crowed at Brian. AJ
couldn’t stand this. His daughter seemed to have taken a particular liking in
the blond Backstreet Boy. The nine months old girl even had a name for him: Bine. It came almost at the same time as ‘mommy’ and
‘daddy’. AJ couldn’t understand it, it wasn’t like Ava saw Brian very often.
And as far as he knew, Brian hadn’t given the little girl any reason to like
him. In fact, her father tried to separate them as much as he possibly could,
but still he couldn’t avoid that Ava actually seemed to like Brian. He wasn’t
sure if Brian was aware of it. The singer had always been great with kids, so
AJ could just assume that that was the reason why Ava was so fond of him. But
somehow he felt that there was more to it than that. It was like the two shared
a bond which he couldn’t explain. It was weird, he tried to keep them apart,
but nothing he could do would avoid that they met each other. He did his best,
he really did, it was even surprising Ava knew who Brian was, but
it didn’t work. Like today.
Brian knew how AJ felt about him meeting up with his daughter, so
he obviously did his best to stay out of the family meeting. He even tried to leave
the room once, but apparently (and disturbingly) Ava wouldn’t have it. She
started crying the moment Brian closed the door. She never cries when I leave…
“Ssshhh, baby, it’s
okay sweetheart… don’t cry…” AJ
tried to calm the little girl. He stared angrily at his wife. She too knew
how he felt about Brian meeting up with his daughter, but had always dismissed
him. She thought the unhealthy bond between Brian and Ava was adorable and
‘just what Brian needs’. He had tried to explain to her that he was terrified
by their behaviour, but she declared him paranoid,
and jealous. Well, I actually hope I’m only
jealous…
“NO! Bine!” Ava’s vocabulary didn’t
reach much further than ‘daddy’, ‘mommy’, ‘yes’, ‘no’ and ‘Bine’. Nick and
Howie had been terribly disappointed that their names didn’t ever come out of
the baby’s mouth. AJ would rather it were theirs, anyone’s but Brian’s.
“I’ll go get Brian.” Rochelle suggested. She didn’t seem bothered
by the fact that their daughter wouldn’t calm down without Brian near them at
all! Why couldn’t it be a stuffed animal or something, why did it have to be Brian?! Children are weird creatures!
He stood there, waiting with Ava in his arms, who was looking
pissed at him, and he hated the way his daughter loved a stranger more than her
own father, hated the fact that Brian always knew how to get on his nerves
these past year, he hated the world, hated this studio, hated music, and most
of all he hated himself. He longed for a beer.
“Man, that was the most amazing thing ever!” Nick exclaimed as
they ran offstage, high on adrenaline and in the happiest state of mind. He was
right, tonight had been the most amazing thing ever. AJ could only grin stupidly as
he watched all of his band mates congratulate him and each other on the perfect
concert they had experienced tonight. The whole night had gone according
to plan, the music had been right, the crowd was the amazing one ever, the band
had been perfect, hell, they had been perfect. It had been
one of those nights that made AJ realize the reason why he was doing this job.
It felt amazing. And exhausting.
“Jeez, no after party for me, I’m gonna fall over!” Nick declared,
but appeared quite the opposite. AJ watched as the kid jumped up and down to
get rid of the extra adrenaline that was running through his veins.
“Yeah right, stand still, you’re making me nervous.” Let Kevin
know.
“You don’t need me to make you nervous, you’re always nervous,
Kev.”
“Shut up Nick.”
“Alrighty then.” Finally Nick stood still and grinned widely at
his bandmates.
“This is awesome.” The adrenaline seemed to have worn off and he
finally collapsed into a chair, just as the rest of them.
“I could sleep for a month,” Howie admitted, closing his eyes and
leaning back in his seat.
“Too bad for you, D, cause we got an interview tomorrow with you know who…” Kevin teased.
“Who?” Howie questioned without opening his eyes.
“Sonia Benezra, remember her?” Howie
groaned and frowned. Of course he remembered her, and apparently, so did Brian.
AJ watched humoured, smiling maliciously, when he saw
Brian shoot upright.
“No way!”
“Yes way. You better prepare cause it’s gonna be a bumpy right,
baby!” Kevin grinned. AJ knew he should feel bad for Brian, but he couldn’t. Benezra always had a way of asking too personal questions
that they didn’t have a choice but to answer. In fact, she usually managed to
make at least one of them cry. AJ was sure that if the talk show hostress hadn’t been a journalist, she would have been
their psychologist. And since Brian seemed to be the most interesting subject
the press could think of these days, he was most likely to get the full
interrogation.
“Awww man…” Now it was Brian’s turn to close his eyes and slump
back in the chair.
“What a week…”
AJ wasn’t sure what woke him up that night, but it sure was something. It was still dark and when he
looked at his left, he saw the empty bed beside him. He had promised Rochelle
to take care of their daughter, while she was away, helping a friend in a
so-called crises.
Maybe it was just my imagination, he thought and almost went back to
sleep when he realized that there could only be one thing waking him up at this
hour of the night. Ava.
Though he couldn’t hear her anymore, it still didn’t hurt to
check. When he came out of bed groggily, put on some pants and grabbed a long
kitchen knife just in case, he heard it again. something
(or someone) bumped into something. A muffled growl followed the bump. An animal. But when he got closer to the
nursery he could hear someone talking.
“It’s okay, I’ll save you, you’re gonna
be safe.”
He didn’t recognize the voice
immediately and when he felt brave enough to open the door it was too dark to
make out more than just a silhouette. What’s that stranger
doing to my daughter? The
strangest, and most disturbing, thing was that his little girl didn’t seem to
be scared, in fact, she was laughing. How could she do that? Unless…
“Freeze! Turn around and step away from my daughter you creep!” He
yelled in his most confident, but still quivering voice. AJ was proud of how
dangerous he sounded and watched contently as the figure turned around slowly.
He didn’t see the dog that attacked his leg though…
“Ow! Fuck! Son of a…!” He could already feel blood trickling out
of the wound. Creepy beast! It hurt like hell. He heard the
animal growl at him and stared into the dark. Hey, you could turn on
the lights, mate! He
saw the silhouette standing near the crib hadn’t moved an inch. AJ had a pretty
good idea on who it was, but still got the shit scared out of him when he
turned on the lights and stared into the face of Brian Littrell, his former
best friend.
“Brian? What the fuck are
you doing?” he demanded as he looked at the shorter man, who still hadn’t moved
and seemed rooted to the spot. Ava was in his arms and seemed content being
there.
“You sick fuck! Put her down, what the
hell are you doing here?!” He felt the anger boiling up inside him. Brian
seemed carved out of stone, the fear lodged in his eyes. Good, let him be scared. AJ felt ready to attack the man
that was holding his child, unasked. He felt the knife still in his hand and
did his best to keep himself from slicing the invader’s throat. The dog, that
he now realized must be Bub, was still growling at
him, probably because of the knife. Bub wasn’t
usually a brave dog, but when it came to protecting his master, he could get
pretty aggressive. And I can feel that.
“Stay away from us!” Brian yelled suddenly. Hold on, what?! AJ watched bewildered as Brian
took a few step backwards. The man didn’t seem to be scared of the fact that he
got caught, but because of AJ. He instantly dropped the knife, but it didn’t
help as he noticed Brian getting extremely anxious. His breathing got
hysterical and his eyes seemed unfocused as if he was seeing something only he
could see. The hell is wrong with
him? AJ
decided to try a different approach.
“Brian, it’s okay! You can just give her to me and we’ll forget
about all of this, alright?” Brian’s anxiety only seemed to get worse as he
gripped Ava tighter.
“No way! I’m supposed to save her! Don’t you understand? I’ll get
her safe, no matter what! I will never hand her to a creep like you!”
That was it, right there was the moment AJ lost it. He
snapped, could only see red as he stormed towards Brian, not caring if the dog
got in the way or not. Bub barked but stayed back and
AJ collided with Brian and Ava. The little girl began to cry when the three of
them were sprawled on the ground. Brian fought hard, like his life depended on
it. When AJ got his hands on his daughter, he rose to his feet and kicked Brian
in his face. The blond singer stopped his struggling immediately and
stiffened noticeably, blinking in confusion.
AJ meant to strike again when he noticed Brian holding up his
hands in an protective manner. You can’t kick a man
when he’s already down…
“AJ?”
There was so much fear and confusion etched into Brian’s face that
AJ took a few steps back, frowning at the man on the floor. An ugly bruise was
already forming on the left side of his face. The panic was clear in his eyes
and he seemed to truly have no idea where he was.
“What happened? Where am I? What are you doing here?” Excuse me?
“Well, this is still my hotel room…”
“Oh… then what am I doing here?”
“Well, could have fooled me, but it looked like you were trying to
steal my daughter,” AJ growled. He could feel his heartbeat speeding up as he
took a good look at Brian, who was staring at him bewildered through one eye,
because the other one was too swelled up to open properly. Blood was running
from the nasty gash in his eyebrow and AJ immediately regretted his actions. He
could hear Bub squeal vaguely in the background.
“Rok, are you okay?” Wow, award for most
dumbest question ever goes to…
“I… ummm… I don’t know… I must have…” Brian fell silent and his face
got blank. He seems to realize
something… The
blond got to his feet quickly and stumbled across the room.
“Look AJ, I’m so sorry, I never meant to be here… Bub, come on let’s go.” The
panic in his voice was so evident that AJ just couldn’t let him go.
“Woah, woah,
hold on!” But Brian didn’t stop as he practically ran out of the room,
breathing erratically.
“Are you sure?” Nick looked
at him incredulously, as he had done the entire time they had been talking.
“Positive.
We need to find him Nick, before he does something incredibly stupid!” AJ
replied, the anger still not gone from his voice.
***
