Brian
The first thing he noticed was the smell. It smelled
of blood everywhere. If it smells like
blood, there must be blood, right? Brian Littrell, you are just a genius! How
come you’re in a boyband and not in a rocket science team? If it smells like a
duck, it tastes like a duck, then it must be a duck, am I right? But it doesn’t
taste like a duck! It tastes awful! He couldn’t believe the thoughts that
always crossed his mind whenever there was a crisis. They seemed so random.
It took a few minutes to put the smell and the taste
together and identify them both as blood. He was so confused, if only there was
light so he could see something. Here is
a great idea, Einstein, open your eyes! Right! Easier said than done!
He was so
tired. He thought he had been tired before but not like this. The last time he
had felt like this was right after the surgery 14 years ago. It was a struggle
to just open his eyes. And he didn’t really want to, afraid of what he might
find. Afraid what he might not find.
He was absolutely content with floating just underneath the surface. There was
only the smell and the taste. That wasn’t so bad right? He could live with
that. He couldn’t live with the
knowledge of what that smell and taste meant.
You normally weren’t supposed to be able to taste or smell blood, and certainly
not both at the same time. Blood meant pain, pain meant hurt. He didn’t have
time for that. He had a world tour to perform and everything. Getting hurt
wasn’t part of the plan!
So he didn’t really do his best to open his eyes. He
didn’t want to see. In this sweet
world of slumber there was no pain, not like there would be in the waking
world, there was no sound, only suffocating silence, there was just him and his
thoughts. And they were smothering him.
Smothering…
My God, am I even
breathing?! He wasn’t really sure. Where the hell am I? what happened? Unwanted
questions rose up inside his head. Suddenly the silence was gone. He heard
screaming from a distance. He could hear some gasps for air and wet
spluttering. It took him a while to realize it was him gasping and spluttering.
He finally forced his eyes to open but couldn’t see anything beyond bright
white light. I think I’m gonna die. But
the light faded and then he was able to see. He saw the cracked windshield. He
saw the tree. The hell is that tree doing
in my car? It was a sight you didn’t get to see often so he took his
moment. After a double take he realized that there wasn’t actually a whole tree stuck in his car, though it
had looked that way, it was more like his whole
car was stuck in the tree. He could see the branches going through the
windshield towards himself and the passenger’s side. He couldn’t see where they
ended though… he tried to look down but that was the moment his final sense got
back to him. The pain was unbelievable. He shut his eyes tightly and tried to
scream out. It wouldn’t work. The only sounds from his mouth were some gurgling
noises. I can’t breathe, why can’t I
breathe? What on earth is going on? He couldn’t place the pain he felt, it
seemed to be coming from everywhere. He
forced his eyes open again and this time he did look down. He wished he hadn’t.
The blood was everywhere. Must be my
blood. His eyes went over his body frantically. His gaze lingered on the
tree branch stuck in his chest. So that’s
where the blood comes from. Terrific… mystery solved, let’s go back to sleep. But
his thoughts wouldn’t leave him alone. He was missing a key element. His
memory. He had no idea why he was here or what had happened. He figured it must
have been an accident. Had he been alone?
He tried to look sideways. It was difficult and it left him breathless,
but, as by some miracle, he managed to turn his head and his heart shattered.
Leighanne was staring at him, but he assumed she
couldn’t see him. Her head was tilted in an awkward way. He didn’t even need to
touch her to know she was dead.
Brian didn’t move, couldn’t move, as he stared back
into her beautiful dead eyes.
“Nnnnnoo…” he moaned. This
couldn’t be happening. It was impossible. This would happen in movies, to
others, not to him! Not to Brian the Backstreet Boy!
An impossible sense of déjà vu hit him. He had been
here before, had seen it before, he just couldn’t remember when. Then he
remembered the way they had gotten smashed off of the road. He also recalled
how Leighanne hadn’t been the only one with him in the car that afternoon. The screaming he had heard earlier…
BAYLEE!
His baby boy had to be okay. He had to be. God
wouldn’t be that cruel, would he?
Brian didn’t know God personally, but he had heard a great deal about him. God
never striked him as being a heartless bastard who
didn’t care about his children. No, Baylee is alright. He’s not dead. He’s
okay. There’s nothing wrong with my son. He was so sure about it. It wasn’t
until he heard his boy screaming behind him again that he started to doubt his
theory.
“Bay…”
He couldn’t see him, couldn’t reach him in any other
way than with his voice.
“Bub, it’s alright.”
It was a lie, he knew it was, and Baylee probably did
too. I’m a bad liar.
“D-dad?” Baylee had never called him ‘dad’. It was
always ‘daddy’ or even ‘Brian’ whenever he thought he needed to call his father
by his first name. But Brian didn’t mind, he was relieved to say the least to
hear his son’s voice again, even if it sounded extremely weak and frightened. He is not dead!
“Baylee, it’s alright, I’m right here okay?”
“D-dad…”
“That’s right, are you okay?”
“Owwww…”
He didn’t need ten years of parenthood experience to
know that that meant that the kid wasn’t okay. He desperately wanted to reach
his child, to turn around in the seat, to look at his boy and make sure he
wasn’t hurt badly. But he just couldn’t move.
The stupid goddamn freaking TREE
was in the way!
That moment Baylee was screaming again. Screaming in
pain, he realized. Brian completely panicked. He couldn’t really feel the pain
anymore when he started to twist and turn in his seat. Somewhere a voice in the
back of his mind screamed at him that he was only making matters worse for
himself, but at that very moment he couldn’t have cared less. Baylee needed
him, if he didn’t help his son right now, he wasn’t worth to carry the name ‘daddy’. He could feel the branches of the tree in his
chest, felt it tugging deep within him as he tried to face his baby boy. It
hurt. It’s supposed to hurt, dumbass. Finally
he was rewarded for his efforts, when he saw the frightened, bloodied face of
the little boy.
“Dad!” Baylee screamed. “Help me!”
It took all he had to keep his composure in front of
his injured child. Brian should be strong, he should be able to help Baylee. He
faintly reached his right arm to the backseat and soon his son’s sweaty palms
accompanied his fingers. Brian couldn’t
tell his little boy that it was going to be fine, Brian couldn’t lie to his little boy. He had known from the
first glance he got at the boy’s little body that Baylee was not going to be
okay. There was more blood on the outside of the child than there was on the
inside. Baylee was suffering, he needed comfort, guiding words of wisdom. Brian
didn’t know if he could be the one to provide that. Baylee wasn’t going to
survive, he couldn’t tell him it was fine, because it wasn’t, but what else was
there to say?
“Baylee, listen to me, it’s going to be alright.”
“Daddy, I’m scared, it hurts so much…”
Brian closed his eyes. He couldn’t do this. God couldn’t do this!
“I know it hurts baby boy, but it will be over soon, I
promise alright?”
“Am I gonna die? I don’t wanna die Daddy, I’m scared,
I’m scared!”
He heard the boy screaming and crying, just like he
had done night after night in his dreams. But
this is real… do you know that for sure?
Brian sighed and suddenly found the inspiration he was
so desperately searching for. The words from his mouth had been used before, by
his mother and grandmother when he was five, looking straight in the face of
death.
“Don’t be scared, baby… don’t be scared to die. It’s
not the end, you know that right?” He could see Baylee barely nodding.
“The pain is gone daddy, am I better now?”
The blond Backstreet Boy swallowed hard and the tears
finally found their way out of his eyes.
“No Baylee.”
“I’m going to die, aren’t I?”
“Yes, Bubba, but you’re not gonna die alone, I
promise. I’m gonna be right there with you the whole time alright?”
“Am I going to heaven?”
“I’m sure, Bub.”
“You promise?”
“With everything I am…”
“Will Mommy be there?”
“Yes Baylee.” He wasn’t sure how Baylee knew his
mother had passed away, but Brian was sure that heaven was the place to look
for her.
“Okay…” He could sense the calmness in his son’s voice
and it send chills over his entire body. Baylee
has accepted his fate.
He squeezed his son’s hand as tight as he could to let
him know he wasn’t alone. It was the only thing he could do. He wished he could
hold him in his arms. Kiss him goodbye.
This is not fair…
“Daddy?”
“Yes, bub?”
“Don’t call me Bub”
“I’m sorry”
“Daddy?”
“Yes, Baylee?”
“Will you sing for me?”
“Now?”
“Yeah…”
He wasn’t sure he was able to sing. But he would do
anything his son asked him to, he always did.
“What do you want me to sing?”
“I don’t care.”
“Alright.”
‘’Hush little Baylee,
don't you cry,
Daddy's gonna
sing you a lullaby,
Everythings gonna be alright,
The Lord's gonna
answer your prayers tonight.
Hush little Baylee,
don't you cry,
Daddy's gonna
sing you a lullaby,
Everythings gonna be alright,
The Lords gonna
answer your prayers..’’
Brian fell silent. He couldn’t hear the ragged
breathing off his son anymore. He squeezed his hand, but found that the little
fingers had gone limp in his hand.
Silence swallowed him. The smell of blood still in the
air…
It's just a
nightmare, you can wake up now...
No…
***
