Nick
“For what beauty lies there in death?”
He listened to the reverend’s voice as he preached,
but he didn’t really get what he was saying. The funeral had been beautiful so
far. They really did a nice job in arranging everything. He smiled sadly as the
Baptist church played favourite songs for either mother or son. They didn’t allow fans in there and he was
glad for that. Nick Carter didn’t want any outsiders to be witness of this. He
knew Leighanne nor Baylee would have appreciated it. Neither would Brian.
Brian
There was something missing at this funeral. Someone to be exact. Someone who was
lying unconscious in a huge hospital bed, hooked up to God knows how many
monitors. Someone who had no idea what was going on. Someone like Brian.
Someone who was oblivious to the death of his family, oblivious to the world,
to everything.
It had been four days since the world had come
crashing down. Nick didn’t think he’d have any tears left, but he did. They didn’t deserve this. Nobody deserves
this. He felt as though he could never be happy again. Just imagine how Brian must feel when he wakes up. If…
Doctors had made it perfectly clear that it was a
miracle that Brian was still alive. He wasn’t expected to stand a chance when
he had arrived at the hospital, the tree branches still protruding from his
chest. Kevin had seen it. He had been the first one that was called. Well, they
had called Brian’s parents first, but Kevin was the first to arrive. Nick had
heard him say that he had seen Brian with a tree in his chest. It was right
after they brought Frick from the trauma room to the OR. Nick had thought that
that wasn’t right. There was no way one was able to keep a tree in his chest. Especially not Brian, who had always complained
that his chest was way too small for his taste. Kevin had been really upset, so
Nick didn’t push it. Later he had understood that there had been a huge tree
branch stuck in Brian’s chest. Rescuers and paramedics hadn’t removed it when
they got Brian out of the totalled Jeep. Nick was thankful for that. Thankful
that they had taken the time to cut the branches off best they could. He knew
that Brian would have bled to death if they hadn’t done that.
Leighanne had been abused most by the tree, but
doctors said that she probably died before they even hit the forest line. The
broken neck was proof of that. When the Jeep got smashed from the road by the
truck it had tumbled down the hill right into the forest line. The truck driver had become unwell behind the
wheel and hadn’t stopped when he should have. He had come to the hospital and
couldn’t stop apologizing. That he had been diabetic his whole life. That he
hadn’t seen the Jeep coming from the right side of the road. The man had been
hysterical. Saying he was sorry over and over. Nick thought he should just
stop, he didn’t need to apologize, it hadn’t even occurred to him to blame
someone for the accident. Because it had been just that: an accident. He wished
it had been more than that. Wished he could actually blame someone else besides
God.
He remembered when the doctor had come to speak with
the group of anguished people after 12 hours of surgery. There had been a lot
of complications. Brian had been hurt worse than they’d initially thought. The
branch had gone straight through his lung after breaking several ribs and had
grazed his heart. The doctors had fought to fix the damage, but Brian had flat
lined in the OR. They had discovered that there was a bleeding in his stomach.
Against all odds Brian’s heart started beating again and he made it through the
operation. They had been able to fix the internal damage for now. But because
his heart had stopped Brian had slipped into a coma from the lack of oxygen to
his brain. Nobody could promise Nick
that Brian would be alright.
“Jeezus Christ! Earth to
Nick!”
Nick looked up sharply. AJ was looking at him in an
angry way. These days it wasn’t difficult to get AJ angry.
“What?” These days it wasn’t difficult to get Nick
angry either.
“It’s over, we have to go.”
“Oh.”
“Look Carter, I know you don’t like funerals, but
can’t you just pretend like you
care?”
Ouch! That hurt. He wanted to say something nasty
back, but when he looked at AJs expression he fell
silent. There was so much pain and sorrow in AJs
eyes. He had even taken his sunglasses off. Of
course, at a funeral, where everybody wears sunglasses, AJ is the one that goes
without. He knew AJ was looking for a fight. Anything to replace the
numbness they all felt.
“Whatever man. I just wish we could have waited so
that Brian could be here.”
“Rok’s dying!”
He left AJ standing in the rain as he walked away. What an appropriate weather. He wasn’t
going home though, he was going to the hospital.
Nick hadn’t given up on his best friend yet, even if
AJ and everybody else had. Frick had come this far, why go back now? The
youngest Backstreet Boy had spent a lot of time in the hospital lately. He had
been by Brian’s side every day since the accident. That is, if he hadn’t any
other obligations like announcing the accident to the public. After what had
happened with AJ over ten years ago, he had promised himself never having to do
such an emotional talk on national television again. However management
insisted. There were going wild rumors about the
tragedy around. Some even claimed that Brian had killed his family in a flash
of insanity. Nick and the other band members couldn’t stand to hear those lies
anymore so they had reluctantly agreed to do press conference.
“Is Brian gonna
be alright?”
“We don’t know
yet.”
“What’s gonna
happen with the group?”
“We don’t know
yet.”
It had been pretty pointless. They weren’t able to
provide very much information. But at least the fans and press knew what
happened now so they wouldn’t write about Brian’s temporary insanity anymore. The fans had been shocked, to make it
an understatement. Most of them had been crying for Brian and his family. Some
had just the same stunned expression as he had seen in the hospital’s waiting
room that day.
He looked around in the ICU, the place seemed
abandoned of nurses. Fine, I don’t need
them anyway. He headed straight to Brian’s room. He remembered the first
time he walked in there. He had been scared of what he might have to face.
He had stared at
the person in the bed, unbelieving. He looked nothing like his best friend. He
was pale and still. Brian was never still. He was supposed to be this big ball
of energy, bouncing off the walls, even when he hadn’t had any coffee yet.
Hell, even in his sleep Brian had more energy than anyone else. It was insane.
This wasn’t Brian. He had begun to suspect it was a huge practical joke. Brian
really had him this time. But don’t you
worry, Littrell, I’ll get you back.
It was as he
looked closer that he couldn’t deny it much longer. The face of the man in the
bed did resemble Frick’s, although it was a bruised and broken version of the
Brian he once knew.
“My God, Brian,
what did they do to you?” he had whispered when he glanced at all the machines
working to keep Brian’s body alive. His gaze lingered on the breathing tube
down his throat. He looks like his
gonna shatter in a million pieces if you
touch him. So Nick hadn’t touched
him, afraid to hurt his friend more. This isn’t happening…
Nothing had changed when he stepped into the dark
hospital room. It had been four days and Brian hadn’t moved one inch. Maybe I should get some coffee in him,
usually works every morning.
“I don’t believe in God.”
Silence was the only response he got. Nick sighed, he
had to go on.
“I don’t believe in God, Brian. I’m sorry. I tried, I
really did. There is just too much shit happening in this world. Now I know
what you would say. Well I don’t exactly know, but I imagine it would be
something like: you have to have faith
when the world falls to pieces. And you know what? You would be absolutely
right. The world could fall to pieces. I don’t care. But not my world, not our world!
I don’t want to believe in a God who let’s wives and children die without being
able to say goodbye! The funeral was today, Frick, and it was beautiful. It was
beautiful, but it wasn’t right! It’s not right to bury a nine year old kid, goddamnit! It’s not right to bury him and his mother
without you there…”
He was crying now, holding tightly onto Brian’s limp
hand. Brian looked like death. If it wasn’t for the heart monitor beating
constantly he would have sworn Brian was dead. Maybe that would be better. It was in the late, dark hours of the
night that he wondered if Brian wouldn’t have been better off dead. He had no
idea how Brian would react to the death of his family, but he could imagine it
wouldn’t be nice. Brian was a family man, had had always just one single wish,
to be happy with his wife and kid. And now…
“I don’t believe in God. I can’t. There’s only one
thing I believe in. I don’t believe in God, Brian, but I believe in you. I know you can get through this
Frick.”
He didn’t know who he was trying to convince more,
Brian or himself. His entire body was shaking as he laid a hand upon Brian’s
chest. He needed Brian. Whenever his world had gotten shattered, Brian would be
there to tell him it was okay. He had taken him for granted, shoved him away,
but Brian always got back. He had never left him, and Nick would be damned if
he was going to let him now.
“You have to fight, Frick. I don’t know what I would
do if you left. There’s no Frack without
a Frick, remember?”
He couldn’t imagine life without Brian. He had known
him since he was 13. Brian had been the only person in the entire world who had
accepted him like he was. If Brian had decided he wasn’t going to fight, then
Nick would fight for him. He would trade places with the wounded Backstreet Boy
in a heartbeat. Just come back, please?
“I need you Brian, I always do. You can’t just leave me
here, I don’t know what will happen if you went away. I need you to look out
for me. I need my big brother back.”
Nick had always wanted a big brother. Someone he could
look up to. Someone he could call his hero. Brian had fitted that image
perfectly. As Nick had grown up he had been Brian’s shadow, studying him,
copying him, wanting to be just like Brian. He knew Brian had always wanted a
little brother. Someone he could take care of. Someone who would love him no
matter what he did. Brian had been a carer, a giver, a man who was happy when
other people were happy. That was probably why they had fitted so perfectly
together. Nick needed someone to guide him, to take care of him and Brian
needed someone to take care of.
“I know you’re so terribly sick, Frick, I know you
probably can’t even hear me. But I need you to wake up, to show me how it’s
going to end. And it’s going to end well, you hear me? I need you to take care of me, of Kevin, of Howard, of
AJ. I need you to guide me. Where am I going to end up without you? I need you
to be there when I ask Lauren to marry me. Yeah, you heard right, Nick Carter is gonna get married. I
haven’t told anyone else yet, so can you please keep it a secret?”
He smiled to himself. He had thought about it at the
funeral actually. Life is short, why not
marry and have kids?
“Listen Brian, I’m gonna walk in your footsteps, I’m
gonna be an honourable husband, a devoted father, just like you were. But I
need you there beside me. I need you to make me believe in you again. I realize I’m asking an awful lot of you, but your life
isn’t over yet. Just please come
back…”
He was crying
uncontrollably now. Sobbing into Brian’s chest he forgot about his intentions
to go home. He would stay here. He would stay until he saw Brian open his
beautiful blue eyes again.
***
