Nick
Had he said something wrong? Nick couldn’t remember
it. Whatever it was, he hadn’t meant it. He watched helplessly as he saw Brian
curl up and shut out the rest of the world. He had been overjoyed when he saw
Brian open his eyes, it had felt just as ecstatic as when he heard Kevin wanted
to re-join. Brian is going to be fine. It
had made him forget about all the bad things that had been going on. As he
looked at his friend now, though, he clearly remembered that depressive
morning.
“Brian, you okay man? Are you in any pain?”
He didn’t get a reaction out of the blond at all.
Brian just stared straight ahead as if he couldn’t even see anything.
“Rok?”
“They’re dead, aren’t they?”
Well, he really hadn’t seen that coming. How could
Brian possibly know? He had just awoken from a coma. Nick had rehearsed this
conversation over and over in his head, but hadn’t expected to be the one to
get surprised.
“I’m so sorry, Brian.”
“What are you sorry for?”
Nick looked at his friend quizzically. Did he really
have to say this? When he looked into his eyes he saw that Brian already knew
what happened, but needed to hear it or it wasn’t real.
“There’s been an accident, Bri. You’ve been asleep for
more than four days. Do you remember anything?”
“No.” Liar.
“Cover your eyes,
if you can’t stand the sight, walk away
Cover your ears,
so you don’t have to hear, walk away”
Nick told him everything he knew. Brian didn’t move an
inch, didn’t flinch, didn’t even blink. Nick suspected that the story he was
telling his friend was more of a confirmation than actual news. Does Brian remember? Nick found it hard
to believe, but then again, what if Brian had been awake right after the
accident? It was a thought that occurred to him just now. It made sense, it
would explain why Brian seemed to know his wife and kid were dead and why he
didn’t seem shocked, just sad.
“Cover your
nightmares, just put them away
Cause if nobody
knows them, they might go away
Walk away, walk
away, walk away, without me.”
When Nick was finished he looked at Brian for a
reaction. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say that his best friend was
carved out of stone. Nick wasn’t even sure the Backstreet Boy was breathing.
“Bri?” he asked carefully.
Brian nodded, as if he awoke from a trance. He slowly
turned around to face Nick and then he closed his eyes.
“Nick?”
“Yeah?”
“Would you mind leaving me alone?”
“But…”
“Please, I want to be alone, I’m tired.”
“Brian, I…”
“Just GO!”
If it wasn’t for the weakness in Brian’s voice and for
the helpless way he lay in the hospital bed, Nick would have thought his best
friend capable of starting a fight. There was so much anger and hate in Brian’s
eyes that Nick had to take a step back. He knew the anger wasn’t directed at
him, but probably at the world and most likely at God, but he couldn’t help but to be a little scared, as he had
never seen Brian react this way. He had wanted Brian to yell, scream or cry
after what Nick had told him, he had never expected this composed, silent anger
that radiated through the room.
“Alright, but Brian, do not shut me out.”
“GO!”
The short blond was wheezing now, gasping for air.
Nick didn’t want him to panic, didn’t want anything to be wrong with his
friend, but he didn’t want to leave him in this state either.
“Okay man, I’m going, just take it easy, okay? I’ll be
right outside if you need me.”
Brian didn’t answer. He seemed on the edge of panic,
of sanity. How can I leave him this way?
He didn’t have a choice, he knew that, but he feared what was going to happen
when he exited the room.
When he entered the hallway, he could see Harold and
Jackie sitting in the waiting room. Looking up, they smiled at him when he made
his way over towards them.
“How is he?”
How is he? Nick didn’t actually know. He’d left him in despair
and was sure he was making a big mistake. This wasn’t right, he needed to go back.
When Harold saw the expression in Nick’s eyes, his smile disappeared.
“What’s wrong, he woke up, right? They told us on the
phone…”
“Yes, he woke up.”
“Well, did he say anything to you, do anything?”
He kicked me out.
“No, not much.”
“Did you tell him what happened?” I did and now he doesn’t wanna talk to me.
“I…”
He didn’t get the chance to answer. They heard a long
scream coming from the room that could only be one thing. Brian.
“Shit!”
Nick ran like hell, he shouldn’t have left him alone,
he shouldn’t have. It was wrong in so many ways. Brian wasn’t in his right
mind. He had had no business sending him out like that. He made up a million
scenario’s about what he was about to see. All of them involved a hysterical
Brian and loads of blood.
None of that happened though. When they came into Brians room they could see him sitting with his head in his
hands, screaming at something they couldn’t see. It took a few minutes for Nick
to realize Brian wasn’t awake. So he
hadn’t been lying when he said he was tired.
Nick should have known Brian would have liked to be
alone with his thoughts, to sort things out for himself. He should have known
that the moment Brian would fall asleep, a nightmare would occur. Not only
because of what happened, but also because Brian wasn’t a stranger to
nightmares. Nick wasn’t sure if Brian was aware that Nick knew about them, but
because he had spent a long time being Brian’s roommate when they were younger,
he knew that Brian had them almost every night. Brian had never told him about
them, saying it was just a dream whenever he woke up screaming and Nick asked
about it. Nick would always joke and ask if he had seen a huge spider in his
dreams. That would have surely freaked him
out. But secretly he had been worried about his big brother. It seemed to
take a lot out of the already fragile Backstreet Boy and it would shut him up
for the rest of the day. He didn’t know Brian still had them, they hadn’t
shared a room in too long. Hell, they didn’t even share a bus anymore. But some things never change.
While they tried to calm the screaming and crying boy
in the bed, Nick tried to pay attention to what Brian was rambling.
“Baylee…”
“It’s alright baby, you’re okay now.” Jackie didn’t
have a clue on how to comfort her child. She didn’t think she had any right to
tell him that it was alright. She couldn’t imagine the loss of her husband, her
children. She had the blessing to see them grow up, turn into popstars and businessmen. She had had her husband by her
side for more than fourty years. She didn’t know what
Brian had done to deserve this. She had heard a friend of hers say that losing
a child was the worst pain in the world. Nothing could compare. Jackie had come
so close to that loss more than thirty years ago, she remembered the pain, the
despair and the sorrow. But she also remembered the hope. There was no hope for
Brian.
It was Harold who was finally able to wake their son
up. He had taken him by the shoulders and shook him awake. Nick wasn’t sure if
it was the right thing to do, seeing as Brian was in the hospital with internal
injuries and what not, but it seemed to work as Brian’s eyes snapped open.
“LET ME GO!” Brian screamed at his father. Harold
didn’t move.
“Wake up son, it’s just a nightmare. You can wake up
now, boy.”
“No, let me go, I have to save him, I have to stop
it.”
“Brian, it’s over, kiddo. There’s nothing you can do
anymore for them.”
“No! You don’t understand, I have to stop it, I’m the
only one that can.”
Nick watched helplessly as he saw Brian struggling in
his father’s arms, trying desperately to get away, to get something done, to
escape the hell he had been put in. The desperation on Brian’s face was too
much, and Nick flew out of the room. He couldn’t take this. This wasn’t Brian.
This wasn’t the strong, confident and caring big brother he had grown used to.
This broken, desperate and fragile man wasn’t the brother that would take care
of Nick. And that’s why Nick ran away. That’s why he left his hero crying in
the hospital. Even though he knew how wrong it was.
***
