Chapter 3

I don’t know how long I’d been asleep when the disturbing thoughts crept into my brain. I heard voices, saw images, and felt things just as I had that fateful night three years ago.

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"Oh God! Honey I’m so sorry," Howie’s voice is just as clear as it had been when he had actually said those words. We had just made love for the fourth time and things weren’t going as well as they had.

"How could this happen?" I hear myself saying.

"It just broke, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to tell you."

We’re in a hotel room in Dallas. It’s April of 1998. I lay in the fetal position on the bed, crying uncontrollably. Howie puts his hand on my shoulder and I go off.

"Don’t touch me!" I cry.

"Maggie, please don’t be mad," he says softly.

"What am I going to do?"

"You mean what are we going to do."

"No! You’ve got nothing to worry about."

"Why, because I’m a guy?"

"Yes, that’s exactly why."

"You’re not being fair, Maggie. It’s not like I meant for it to break." I get out of bed and get dressed as quickly as I could.

"I gotta go. I can’t stay here."

"Maggie, please stay so we can talk."

"What’s there to talk about? Your life’s not ruined." I finish dressing and walk toward the door. Howie steps into his boxers, blocks my way and grabs me with both arms.

"I’m not letting you go, Maggie," he says, his voice cracks like he’s going to start crying too. Just then we both collapse to the floor, crying.

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I tossed and turned, trying to shake that scene out of my head. When I finally got rid or it, another equally disturbing image took its place.

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I’m in the bathroom of the dancers’ dressing room right before a show. I’m sitting on the floor, holding the plastic stick from the pregnancy test in my hands. Stacy stands with her back against the door so no one could come in. A little pink line has just formed in the little window. My hands start shaking as the stick falls to the floor. There’s a loud knock at the door.

"Ladies, are you all right in there?" Fatima!

"Uh…yes," Stacy mutters. There’s a pause before Fatima speaks again.

"Five minutes to show time, places please."

"We’ll, be right out," says Stacy nervously. Tears begin to stream down my face, ruining my make up.

"I can’t let her see me like this," I whisper.

"Stay right were you are," says Stacy, leaving the bathroom. I can hear her talking to Fatima outside the door.

"Maggie’s not feeling well, I don’t think she can do the show tonight." God Bless you, Stacy!

"Why are you just telling me this now?" Uh oh.

"She tried to make herself feel better by drinking some water, but she just threw up."

"Okay, okay, I guess I’ll just have to take out one of the male dancers. Probably Jaime. You’re going to have to dance with Howie."

Hearing Howie’s name makes my stomach flip. Now I really feel nauseous. After Stacy and Fatima’s footsteps fade, I get up off the floor. I slowly open the door to see if anyone’s still in the dressing room. When the coast is clear, I change out of my costume and into my street clothes. Just as the dancers are going onstage, I slip out the back door and call for a cab on my cell phone.

When I get to the hotel, I pack all of my belongings, call the airline and book a flight home. I have forty-five minutes to get to the airport.

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I woke up in a cold sweat, breathing heavily. I went over to the dresser where the coffee maker was. I picked up the coffeepot, brought it into the bathroom and filled it with water. When I came out of the bathroom, Howie was awake and sitting up in bed.

"You okay?" he asked. Without answering, I walked over to the coffee maker and poured water into it.

"Maggie, did you hear me? I asked if you were okay."

"Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?" I replied as I put a coffee filter in the basket and turned on the coffee maker. My voice was shaky.

"Well, I was finding it hard to sleep with you thrashing around next to me." I took a deep breath, sat down on the edge of the bed and watched the coffee drip into the pot. He put his hand on my shoulder and I brushed it off.

"Maggie, tell me what’s wrong."

"Howie?"

"Yes?"

"If I hadn’t gotten pregnant and I stayed on the tour, how long do you think we’d have been together?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"Just answer it."

"I would if I knew the answer," he said. I took a deep breath, walked over to the coffee maker and poured some coffee into a cup. I walked back over to Howie and handed it too him. He took it and set it on the nightstand.

"Okay, let me ask you this. If I had the guts to tell you I was pregnant, what would you have done?" I poured a cup for myself and set it on the dresser.

"Maggie!"

"Would you have been a man and taken responsibility?"

"Oh, you mean like I’m doing now?" he said sarcastically. Just then Danny sat up in his cot.

"Mama, I have to go to the bathroom." I started to walk over to him, but Howie beat me to it. He took Danny by the hand and led him into the bathroom. While Danny used it, Howie stood in the doorway looking at me.

"Let it not be said that I don’t take responsibility," he said. When Danny was finished, Howie held him up to the sink so he could wash his hand. Then he carried Danny back to the cot and tucked him in.

"Now, go back to sleep," said Howie, kissing Danny’s cheek. Danny closed his eyes and went to sleep. Howie picked up his cup of coffee and took a sip.

"No cream or sugar?" he asked.

"Sorry, I usually take mine black," I said taking his cup from him.

"Of course, everything is always about what Maggie wants," he mumbled, looking at the floor. I stood there looking at him for a minute before adding cream and sugar to his coffee. Then I handed him back his cup.

"Look, I’m sorry I put you through the third degree. I just got a little freaked, that’s all."

"So, your bad dream was about me."

"It wasn’t a dream, it was a flashback."

"Care to talk about it?"

"Well, it was basically a replay of the time I found out…"

"…that you were pregnant."

"Yep"

"You know there was talk after you left the tour that you had a nervous breakdown or something. I was afraid that you were pregnant but I wasn’t sure, so I didn’t say anything."

"Stacy was the only one who knew for sure."

"Doesn’t surprise me."

"Look, it’s late, we need to get some sleep."

"What about the coffee?"

"Oh yea, stupid of me to make it huh?" Howie laughed. I picked up his glass and mine and set them next to the coffee maker. I then turned off the coffee maker and climbed back into bed next to Howie.

A rush of cold air interrupted my blissful state of unconsciousness. I opened my eyes and saw Howie standing over me wearing jogging pants and a t-shirt. When I tried to pull the covers back up, he yanked then back down again.

"Rise and shine, Diva!" he laughed.

"What time is it?" I moaned.

"6:45. That means you have fifteen minutes to shower and get ready, Miss Thang. Remember, this was your idea."

"How long have you been up, Crazy?"

"Since 5:00. I took Danny to my mom’s house at 6:00, had breakfast with them and then came back and gave you my own personal rude awakening." He had that smirk on his face that I both hated and loved.

"Do I get breakfast?" I moaned.

"You’ll grab something downstairs on the way to the gym." I got up slowly and made my way to the bathroom.

"Tick Tock!" yelled Howie, laughing his stupid shrill laugh. I couldn’t get mad at him, though; it was my idea to work out. Howie stood in the bathroom door and talked to me as I showered.

"Guess what Danny and my mom did when I left?"

"What?"

"Danny sacked out on the sofa and my mom went back to bed," he snickered.

"If you don’t want to get sprayed, you’ll get the hell out of this bathroom, NOW!" His crazy laughter faded as he went back into the other room.

When I came out of the shower, I quickly pulled on my lavender spandex shorts and tank top. Then I French braided my hair. As I tied my gym shoes, I noticed Howie staring at me.

"And don’t think I’m letting you off easy just because you look good either," he laughed. I rolled my eyes and started out the door. Howie followed, the bodyguard met us at the elevators. We took an elevator to the main floor where breakfast was being served. I only had time to spread butter on a piece of toast before Howie grabbed my arm and dragged me back to the elevators. People stopped and stared at us. We must have looked pretty crazy: Howie dragging me by the arm while I had a piece of toast sticking out of my mouth.

The three of us got back into the elevator and took it to the second floor where the gym was. I took the toast out of my mouth to talk to Howie.

"You didn’t even give me a chance to grab a drink."

"No time."

"So what am I going to wash this toast down with?"

"There’s a Gatorade machine in the gym," said the bodyguard.

"Thank you," I told him as we got off the elevator. The gym was at the end of a long hallway. I quickly finished my toast, wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and then wiped my hand on Howie’s shirt.

"Good God, Woman!" he laughed, "where are your manners?"

"Back downstairs because someone wouldn’t even let me grab a napkin," I teased. Howie smiled at me as he brushed the crumbs off of his shoulder.

"You are evil!" I laughed. Howie’s face twisted into mock disgust.

"Oh yea, well you’re FAT!" He shouted and then ran down the hall. I followed. We laughed the whole way because we both knew that wasn’t true. When Howie got to the glass door of the gym, he ran right into it and I ran right into Howie. Neither of us could stop laughing.

"Howie Man! This is not the time or the place for acting crazy," the bodyguard said, pointing inside the gym. Howie and I turned and looked at the girl who was working behind the desk. It was Nicole from the pool. She was folding towels and staring straight at us. Taking a deep breath, Howie opened the door and walked in, followed by me and then the bodyguard. The three of us stopped at the desk and waited for her to hand us the clipboard for signing in.

"Good morning," she said, smirking.

"Good morning to you, too, Nicole," said Howie, returning her smirk. I waited as Howie signed his name as well as my name and the bodyguard’s on the clipboard. I glanced over Howie’s shoulder and saw that he wrote José Gonzalez and Mary Calzone. He noticed me looking and winked at me. The bodyguard was listed as Mr. Jones.

As Howie handed Nicole the clipboard, she gave us each a locker key. Howie slid his back to her, telling her we would share a locker. The bodyguard held up his hand, indicating he didn’t need a key either.

Maybe I was imagining it, but I could’ve sworn Nicole gave me a genuine smile as she handed me a towel. Before I had a chance to smile back, Howie grabbed my arm and took me over to the lockers. Howie had left his keys and wallet in my room, so he had nothing to put into the locker. I took off my fanny pack and put it in, but not without taking out a dollar for the Gatorade machine. Howie locked the locker and stuck the key into the pocket of his jogging pants and followed me to the machine. Before I had a chance to decide which kind to buy, Howie pushed the button for Riptide Rush.

"Hey!"

"The purple stuff’s the best," he said, winking at me.

"Oh yea? Well, I’m not sharing."

"One sip only before we start." Just to spite him, I took three big gulps before he took the bottle away and handed it to the bodyguard.

We used all four of the weight machines. I asked Howie to put more weights on the leg press, but he refused, saying we would add weight gradually each day. The bodyguard kept handing me my Gatorade, saying, "here you go ma’am" and taking it from me when I didn’t want anymore. Howie kept calling me Mary, which took some getting used to. I knew it was only so Nicole wouldn’t know my real name and call the press again.

On our way out, Nicole smiled at me again.

"Have a good day!" she said, her voice sounding sincere. Before I could answer, Howie pulled me out the door.

"They get paid to say that, Maggie," he said. We went back to my room where I showered again. I changed my clothes and then we left for Howie’s parents’ house. He opened the sunroof letting in a nice breeze.

"So, tomorrow’s your class with Stacy, huh?"

"Yep."

"What time is it?"

"From 1:00 to 3:00, it’s in our old rehearsal space."

"You mean that place is still standing?"

"Yep."

"Well, if it’s all right with you, I want to take Dan to Disney World."

"Fine with me. Why don’t you two leave in the morning? That way you have more time together."

"Sounds good. So, are you nervous?"

"A little."

"You seriously haven’t danced since you got pregnant?"

"Well, I took an aerobics class at Bally’s but I guess that doesn’t count."

"But no real dancing?"

"No, but in the Fall I’ll be going to college where I’ll major in dance."

"That’s great! What school?"

"Northwestern. I feel funny though, starting college when most people my age are finishing."

"Don’t worry about it. I’m proud of you, Maggie," he said. Howie knew I had always wanted to be a choreographer like Fatima. The thought of Fatima made my stomach flip. Stacy told me she’d be choreographing the video. She insisted Fatima wouldn’t have a problem with it, saying that she personally made space for me in the already full audition schedule. I debated telling Howie about it when we finally reached his parents’ house. Paula and Danny were in the front. Danny ran to me when he saw me.

"Mama, guess what? I have a Nona and an Abuela!"

"You do?"

"Todo estaba bien, Maggie. Danny es un angelito."

"Contigo, sí. Comigo…pues…"

"My son is a good boy!" said Howie. We all laughed.

"Venga adentro a comer," said Paula, leading us toward the front door. Just then, a car pulled up the driveway and parked behind Howie’s car. The door opened and out stepped Pollyanna. Howie waved. Pollyanna waved back but her gaze was fixed on me.

"Hi Maggie," she said.

"Hi."

"Got some time? I wanted to take you out to lunch."

"Maggie was going to eat with us, Pollyanna," said Howie. Pollyanna sighed and looked at Howie.

"There are some things I want to talk to her about."

"Can’t you talk in the house?"

"Howie, relax. I’ll bring her back safe and sound. We’re just going to have a little girl talk, that’s all," she said, raising one eyebrow. Before Howie could say anything, Pollyanna walked over the passenger side and opened the door. She motioned for me to get in. Reluctantly, I did so. Then she went over to the drivers’ side and got in. As the car backed out of the driveway, I could see Howie standing on the front steps staring at us.

"Howie wants to take Danny to Disney World tomorrow while you’re at your dance class," she told me.

"I know, I said it was okay," I replied.

"So, you’re going to try dancing again?" she asked.

"Try being the operative word," I answered. She laughed.

"Well, good luck on your audition." She pulled into a parking lot of a Denny’s and we got out of the car. It took a while for me to decide what to eat even though my options were limited. I finally decided on a grilled cheese sandwich, fries and a cup of cream of broccoli soup. Pollyanna ordered a chicken sandwich.

"I hope you don’t mind me eating meat in front of you."

"No, not at all." The waitress took our drink orders. I ordered a Diet Coke and she ordered a Sprite. About two minutes after she left, the waitress came back with our drinks.

"Howie’s really proud of Danny," said Pollyanna taking the paper off her straw and then putting the straw in her drink.

"I know," I said.

"Did you really think Howie would never know you were pregnant?" she just blurted it out, making me regret accepting her lunch invitation. I only accepted in order to repair the ill will between us.

"He had some idea before I left," I replied, shakily.

"He knew you were pregnant and he tried to contact you after you left." It was true; Howie had called and sent letters. I refused to answer the phone when I saw his name on the Caller ID and I sent his letters back unopened.

"I know you thought it was best just to leave," she continued,
"but you ended up doing more harm than good." Her voice sounded understanding.

"I know that now," I said.

"Howie was devastated when you left. I tried to convince him that you didn’t want to ruin his career."

"That’s exactly why I left."

"It wasn’t that hard to figure out, but you know Howie. Mr. Traditional. He would have done whatever it took to make things right."

"That’s what I was afraid of. I didn’t want us to end up like Steve and Renee."

"It would’ve been different with you. First of all, Howie’s not just some struggling dancer."

"Oh, and I was?" I asked, a little too loudly. The waitress brought our order and looked at each of us kind of funny before leaving the table.

"Okay, that came out wrong. What I meant to say is that Howie had the means to make sure Danny wasn’t neglected like Monica was."

"How?"

"My mom could’ve taken him while you two were on the road, or you could have stayed home."

"Look, when I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t know what I was going to do. I got scared, so I bailed."

"Maggie, I don’t blame you for what you did, but I am upset that you hurt my brother. You didn’t give him the credit he deserved. Yes, he would’ve been upset about it at first, but he would’ve stood by you."

"At the time, he was so into his career, there was no telling what would happen if I stayed. I didn’t want to find out."

"To be honest, when I found out you were back in his life, I was afraid for Howie. I still am, a little. He still has strong feelings for you. Please don’t hurt him again."

"That’s not my intention."

"Good, just so he’s not led to believe he can spend the rest of his life with you. Unless, of course, that’s what you want."

"No, we’re on friendly terms for Danny’s sake, but I don’t see us getting married." I thought it best not to tell her that we had been intimate recently.

"He still has that wedding ring he bought in Chicago."

"He should pawn it or save it for someone else."

"You need to tell him that."

"I will."

"I’ve always liked you, Maggie, our whole family has. Just remember, that when you hurt one of us, you hurt all of us."

"I know." It was the same way with my family. By that time, we were both finished. Pollyanna got the waitress’ attention and asked for the check. I pulled out my wallet, prepared to pay for my share.

"No, put that away."

"It’s no trouble."

"I invited you, so I’m paying."

"Okay, if Howie’s Mr. Traditional, then you’re Miss Traditional," I laughed. Pollyanna laughed with me.

When we got back to the house, Howie and Danny were outside playing catch. Howie froze when he saw us get out of the car. Danny ran over to us.

"Mama, Titi, Mama, Titi," he shouted, hugging Pollyanna’s leg. She picked him up and kissed him on the cheek. Howie walked over to me.

"How was your lunch?" he asked.

"It was nice," I told him. He looked over at Pollyanna who was bouncing Danny up and down. She noticed Howie looking at her and stopped.

"We just talked, that’s all," she insisted. She handed Danny to Howie, gave me a hug and kissed my cheek.

"Bye Maggie, remember what I told you," she whispered in my ear. She waved to Howie and got back into her car. Before backing out, she rolled her window down.

"Bye, Titi," said Danny. Pollyanna blew him a kiss and drove off. Howie went to the front door of the house, opened it, and stuck his head inside.

"Ma, I’m taking them back now," he said. I saw Paula in the front window waving to us. Howie walked over to his car, opened the passenger door and let me in. He put Danny down and opened the back door. Danny climbed in and Howie helped him with his seat belt. When he got into the driver’s seat, he looked at me for a minute without saying anything.

"So, what did you two talk about?" he asked finally.

"Oh, nothing," I said nervously.

"Maggie, don’t mess with me."

"Okay, okay, she told me that you knew I was pregnant and that I hurt you by leaving."

"Well, she’s right on both counts. What did you have to say for yourself?"

"That I left because I was afraid of what your reaction would be." He didn’t answer right away because he was busy pulling out of the driveway.

"I don’t know why you thought I’d be mad at you. Remember when the condom broke and I said it was our problem and not just yours?" His voice rose slightly.

"But you had your career to think about," I reminded him.

"You had a career, too."

"But you had more to lose if word got out that your girlfriend was pregnant."

"Yea, I guess we weren’t exactly in the same boat like Steve and Renee."

"I know, your sister reminded me that you were more than ‘just a dancer’," I said, bitterly.

"Well, that’s all water under the bridge. Did she ask you what’s up with you now?" He sighed heavily.

"I told her about the audition."

"She heard it from me, first."

"Well, aside from that, she warned me not to hurt you again. Which reminds me, there’s something I have to tell you."

"What?" Howie’s voice sounded impatient.

"Remember that ring you bought me in Chicago?"

"What about it?"

"Remember when you said you’d keep it and ask me again?"

"Yes! Maggie what are you getting at?"

"I don’t think I’ll be changing my mind."

"Oh yea, why not?"

"We’re not the same people we were three years ago."

"And?"

"We don’t have to get married in order to take care of our son."

"It’s the right thing to do."

"Yes, but is it really what you want to do?"

"I want to do right by my son, which means making a commitment to you, his mother."

"But how do you feel about me?"

"I never stopped caring about you, Maggie," his voice cracked.

"But did you ever love me?"

"Yes," he said quietly.

"Do you love me now?"

"Maggie, I don’t think we should be having this conversation in front of Danny." I looked in the back seat at Danny, he was asleep.

"He’s asleep. Answer my question."

"Why should I?"

"I need to know, Howie."

"I honestly don’t know if I still love you. But you know something, Maggie? Being with you brings back a lot of memories. Good and bad ones."

"Okay," I prodded.

"I mean we were great together when we were joking and laughing, being intimate. But we’re both stubborn and that made for some nasty fights."

"I agree," I said.

"We’re almost at the hotel. I need to call my bodyguard." Howie pushed the hands free button on his car phone and dialed.

"Be there in ten minutes…I’m not coming up, though. You still need to be downstairs, you know, make sure that they don’t get harassed by ‘you know who’ on their way to the elevator. If they want to go swimming or something, you need to be with them. Okay, thanks man." He pushed the hands free button again to hang up.

"Has Danny asked why we don’t all live together?"

"So far he hasn’t."

"What are you going to tell him when he asks?"

"I haven’t thought of it yet." We pulled in front of the hotel and Howie stopped the car.

"Well, think of something fast because he’s a smart kid. He’s going to start asking questions soon."

"Why is this all being put on me?"

"You’re the mother, he lives with you."

"But you’re the father."

"Which I didn’t find out until six months ago." A car behind us honked his horn.

"Look, I gotta go. He’s waiting for you," he pointed to the doorway where the bodyguard was standing. "Good luck tomorrow with your class and tell Stacy ‘hi’ for me. I’ll see you Wednesday."

I got out of the car without even looking at Howie. I opened Danny’s door, unfastened the seatbelt and lifted him out of the car. I took a few steps toward the door and then turned around just in time to see Howie drive off. When I got to the hotel room, I laid Danny down on the big bed, folded up the cot and put it in the hallway. I figured I wouldn’t need the cot anymore.

***

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