Chapter 15:

The Meeting

I awoke the next morning with butterflies in my stomach. I had a very hard, restless sleep and I was completely dreading this band meeting today. In a way, I was glad that Kevin had warned me about the issue I was going to face, but in another way, I really wish he hadn't said anything at all. I even contemplated calling in sick and skipping it all together but figured in the
end that would only make things worse. so off I went to deal with whatever the guys were going to throw at me.

Joe and I made our way down to the car to take us over to Kevin's house. I hadn't been there in a while and I had almost forgotten how beautiful the place actually was. When we pulled into the long private drive, I took in the view of his mansion and smiled. if anything spoke Kevin's name this place certainly did. It was a huge stone brick mansion that had Ivy hanging from it's walls. You would think it was a university by the way it looked. the walkway was lined with all different colors of roses. That had to be Kristin's thing. It was Kevin's idea for us all to get a house of some kind here in Los Angeles because this was where we spent most of our downtime and recording time. AJ had almost immediately taken his cue from Kev and within a few months of the suggestion, had bought a place with Sarah only about fifteen minutes away. Howie was the next one to get a condo here even closer. Brian was reluctant at first. Leighanne didn't like the idea of ever calling LA home which I thought was retarded because she's an actress, but anyway, once he convinced her that they would only use this place for work, she agreed and they had moved in almost next door to Kev. as for me, I never bothered. I have a problem with buying houses unless I plan on living in them long term. Why waste the space. Let someone else buy it who will use it more than me. I have thought about renting an apartment but as of right now, hotels will suit me fine.

I exited the car and walked up to the huge front door and rang the bell. After a small eternity at least that is what it felt like, Kevin opened the door looking disheveled.

"Hey Nick, you're early" he said as I took in his appearance. He looked like he hadn't gotten any sleep at all.

"Sorry man, we left a little early anticipating traffic. You can park me in front of your t.v. while you get ready if you want." We walked through the main hallway and he stopped to look at himself in the mirror.

"Wow I really do look like shit don't I?" he said more to himself than to me. Then realizing he never responded to my statement he went on "No that's okay, the other guys are here anyway." That was odd. he acted so surprised to see me but everyone else is already here. The sickening reality hit me that they probably started this meeting without me and it was probably because it was about me.

Right then and there I wanted to just turn around and leave but I instead just followed Kevin all the way into his dining room. When we got there the other three guys were sitting there eating breakfast and having coffee. The tray of bagels was already half gone and the coffee was nearly empty. Yup they have been here for a while I thought as I greeted them and sat down.

"Hey Nick is early again, this is amazing!" AJ said trying to make a joke.

"Yeah or late depending on which meeting we are talking about" I said with a slight tinge of annoyance in my voice. I was going to be damned if I was gonna let them think that I didn't know they were talking about me when it was obvious that they were. I must have hit a nerve because the room was silent. I was getting really good at being the conversation breaker around here.

"Would you like some coffee or a bagel Nicky?" Howie asked trying to break the tension I had just caused in the room. I shook my head and sat down. I was hungry when I got there but suddenly lost my appetite.

''Well, okay, since we are all here, why don't we get started." Kevin said as he pulled out some notes. Kev was so anal when it came to our meetings. I had to laugh. He took them entirely too seriously. Even at meetings with Jive when our assistants were there, he would still take notes. He lived to be organized. I laughed out loud.

"What's so funny?" he asked me raising his eyebrows slightly. He then smiled because he knew the answer.

Kevin rambled on and on about all things Backstreet and I tried my hardest not to drift off into lala land. Kevin's voice is so relaxing to listen to that one can't help be hypnotized by the lazy quality of it. He would get so mad at me when I would zone out in meetings and interviews but the only time I was prone to do that was when he was speaking. I would come back to reality
long enough to catch bits and pieces of what he was saying and from what I could tell we were discussing album titles and song selections. everyone was giving at least one title for the next album and we were supposed to think about it and be ready for today. naturally I hadn't even remembered that 'assignment' and was thinking about as many titles as I could come up with
before Kevin got to me.

" Okay Nick, what did you come up with?" as he said that, it just came to me.

" How about something simple like BSB or maybe even just Backstreet. We are toning down our image right? well why not make the name as simple as possible."

"Huh, I kind of like that. The kid has a point. We'll definitely keep that in mind." wow did I actually do something right? and was that AJ that actually gave me a compliment? bizarre. Kevin then continued on about song selections and only one of the six songs he and I had worked on was voted to go through to Jive as a demo. We were both disappointed but that's how it goes
in a band. We were just about to adjourn when what I was dreading happened.

"Okay, well before we end this very productive meeting, Way to go gentlemen, I know there was one more thing we had wanted to discuss so I'll give the floor to you AJ" that being said Kevin sat back down after giving me a sympathetic smile. Oh shit, here it comes! I thought as I took a deep breath and made eye contact with J.AJ started to play with his coffee mug as he began. Never looking directly at me.

"Um, this is hard but it's something we have been talking about for the last month. We weren't sure if we should confront you about it but after you disappeared last week, we thought it was time." He then looked up at me as if he wasn't sure I realized he was talking to me. Once he saw me gazing at him, his eyes dropped back down to his cup. "We don't think you are really taking this band seriously anymore Nick. We have been concerned ever since you went solo pretty much behind our backs and since then we have definitely not been your first priority." I was listening but found my own eyes going down to the floor. This was going to be rough. " We have been working more as a foursome then a five some. We have covered for you when you have just been too irresponsible to show up for things and I for one am tired of it."

" Nick, it's one thing to go solo but then to just up and leave without telling anyone is down right rude." I didn't look up but the voice belonged to Brian. "We had a lot of stuff planned this past week and we couldn't do half of it because you weren't there." He paused for a second before going on "We have decided that maybe you shouldn't have such a big part on this album. You could maybe just be in the background and leave the solo parts to the four of us. That way if you take off again, we won't be screwed!"

There was silence again but I was still afraid to look up. I said while still staring at the floor "Do you all feel this way?"

"Yes Nick we all do." That was Kevin "You just can't keep wanting to do your own thing and expect us to cover for you. You're not a child anymore." I nodded in agreement. There was nothing to really argue with. I looked up and made eye contact with Howie. The only person who had kept quiet to notice he had his head down too. I then looked over at AJ as he once again took his turn. "You know Nick, I'm sad to say this but you have disappointed us all. I never thought you would have put anything other than the band first and I am sad it has had to come to this." There it was again, the feeling of sadness hitting my heart like a ton of bricks making it even hard to take a deep breath. " Do you have anything you want to say to us?" Brian asked me. I know they were expecting an apology of some kind but as I opened my mouth to speak, I wasn't actually sure of what I was going to say.

"Yes, actually, I do" I paused for a minute to get my thoughts organized in my head and then I went for it. "First of all, I wanted to say I am sorry, I'm sorry for leaving at the last minute. You were right Brian. That was rude. I didn't even know I was going myself until the night before. It's no excuse I know but still for that I apologize." I made sure I made eye contact with Brian as I said that. He looked up at me and smiled. Then I continued

"I'm sorry for being distracted and you're right too J, I haven't been putting the band first." I then sighed as I knew what I had to say next was going to be one of the hardest speeches I would ever have to make. " Most of all I am sorry for thinking that I could count on you, my brothers, to understand how extremely important this solo thing has been to me." Just then, Kevin tried to interrupt me but was suddenly hushed by Howie. "We spoke our concerns, let him voice his."

"Thanks D. You know, I love you guys more than anything in the world. We share a bond even greater than I have with my own family. You have all helped to raise me and I can't even express how important each and every one of you are to me. I have tried on several occasions to let you know, but I'm not sure if you guys actually get it. Now I know you don't. If this was any one of you, I would be behind you one hundred percent. I would be the first person signed on to your fan club, as a matter of fact AJ, I WAS when it came to Johnny No Name. All through the ten years we have been together, I have supported each one of you in your lives. When you Brian and you Kevin, decided to get married we all agreed as a group to take some time off for you to get things in order. No one complained or whined we just did it. When J needed to go to rehab, we put our lives on hold. Again, who cares about the band. You came first. No questions asked. D has never asked for much but I'm sure if and when the time does come that he needs something, we will be there for him because we love him. Why don't those rules apply to me? I have asked myself that question since I was fifteen years old. I was called a baby when all I yearned for was to be at home like any other teenager boy. I was told I couldn't go to college after getting pamphlets to several Universities after I unceremoniously graduated from high school. I was told that I couldn't let the world know I had a girlfriend because the teeny boppers would care to much. My whole life has been about not putting me first. EVER! Well, I did something stupid and I decided to follow at least one dream that was just mine. Nobody else's. I was so excited, I couldn't wait to tell everyone especially you Brian. I knew if anyone was going to be happy for me it was going to be you. But I was wrong. You weren't happy."

Now that I knew they were listening to me I started to make eye contact. I stared at Brian. "Did you know how important this past week was to me? This was my wife, my first born child, my baby." I felt tears forming in the corner of my eyes so I looked back down at the floor. One thing I didn't want to happen in this meeting was me crying. No way in hell was I going to let that happen. "All I wanted was your approval. I wanted you to be a little happy for me. At all the interviews I did every one of them asked how do the guys like your new stuff? I had to lie over and over again because I was too embarrassed to say they didn't even care to hear it. None of you even asked about how things went. How could I have been so stupid all these years to think you guys actually cared about me? It's always been about business hasn't it? I've been so naive. God, all I've ever wanted and needed was your approval. If one of you said I'm proud of you, it would have made my entire life. The thing is, I still love you guys and I still care about what you think. Isn't that dumb!" I laughed still looking down at the floor. "I've decided that I'm gonna quit. Not now, so don't worry, I know you don't want any bad press and I want your new album to be a success. I'll wait until after the last single is released before I make the announcement. I will sign anything you want me to. I don't care about money. I never have." I laughed again this time looking up to be met with four pairs of unbelieving eyes. " I only stayed this long because I loved being with you guys." I smiled as I said "But like Kevin said, I'm not a child anymore and I know there is no such thing as a happy ending. No hard feelings."

When I was finished, I quickly excused myself from the table only to be met with complete silence. After I left the room I felt the tears escape my eyes and run down my cheeks. Without looking back, I walked out the door and headed for the car...

***

Next

Back to index