Chapter
16:
Aftershock
I ran to my hotel room and locked myself in the bathroom. When I knew I was safely
shielded away from the world, I totally let my emotions out. Rocking back and
forth on the bathroom floor I cried like I've never cried before. I sobbed so
deep and hard that I found myself hyperventilating. Oh my God what have I done?
I said out loud to the empty space. I can't believe I actually
went through with it. During the course of my sleepless night, I had figured as
a worst case scenario, that I would resign from the band. I didn't believe it
actually came to that. At that moment, I wanted to run out of the bathroom all
the way back to Kevin's house to take back what I said. That was if I could
will myself to move, but I was so distraught that all I was able to do
was cry.
I did a lot of reevaluating of my life in that bathroom. I sat there staring at
the walls as I felt myself growing up. In that instant, I became an adult. That
thought made me stop the crying and I sat thinking about the future. What
happens next? Is that it? I had pictured that day so many times in my head but
it had never happened like that before. In every scenario I had ever thought
of, it was never me quitting the band. When J went into rehab, I was convinced
that was it for us. No more Backstreet ever. It was impossible to think that we
would be able to handle all the crap that we would receive as a result of
admitting to be human. Then when AJ first came out of the hospital, there was a
time that he thought that he wouldn't be joining us again. When he had
announced that to the four of us my heart had just stopped. I saw all my dreams
come crashing down and I refused to believe it would come to that. I was right.
It didn't. J had decided that with our help he would be able to get thru the
rough times and our fans also came through letting us know it was okay to make mistakes.
Everything worked out in the end. Maybe this would too.
I was brought out of my thoughts by the ringing of my cell phone. Afraid to
answer it, I just let it ring. I wasn't ready to talk to them yet. Or worse
than that, I wasn't ready to except the fact that it probably wasn't them
calling. I tried to push those childlike thoughts out of my mind. I was an
adult now and there was no time to think like a kid. Oh how I so wanted them to
come barreling down my door and begging for my forgiveness. Come back to us
Nick, we were so mean and awful to you. Will you ever forgive us? as they all
hug me. Like I told Kevin, there's no such thing as a happy ending.
I looked at my watch to see that I had been in the damn bathroom for over two
hours. Jesus Christ Nick, why don't you just move your stuff in here you loser!
I had to laugh at my thoughts even though I was still devastated. It was as if
it was all too much to grasp. I checked my phone to see if anyone had left a
message and I sighed when I saw that nobody had. Why are you so surprised
Carter, you know they wanted this to happen right? I than found myself
disgusted with the thought that maybe they were still at Kevin's celebrating. I
had just made their lives easier by quitting. Maybe they were going to kick me
out. I made the right decision I said as I stood up and sprayed some water on
my face. I ignored the ringing of my cellphone again and walked out into my
hotel room.
I decided to try to take my mind off
things and figure out more about my little psychopath. Now, just how messed up
is your life that the only way you can distract yourself from how miserable you
are is by being obsessed with someone who is sending you threats. My life is
more pathetic than a bad soap opera!!! I thought as I opened my drawer of
"Mizpah fun" That is exactly what
it had become for me. A strange obsession. It got to the point that I wasn't
even scared anymore, just determined to get to the bottom of this and solve a
big mystery. It had become the same as an old "Scooby Doo" cartoon.
I'm not sure why I thought about it that way, the threats were incredibly
disturbing and real, but like everything else in my life at that point, it
seemed
unimaginable.
Almost on cue with my thoughts, I heard a shuffling under my door to see a
letter being pushed through. Then I heard the sound of footsteps running away.
My heart actually stopped beating for what seemed like forever but only long
enough for me to take a quick gasp of air. I ran over to the door and opened
it. Looking down the hall I was met with complete silence so I closed the door
again, picked up the envelope and ventured over to my bed. I felt the envelope
for any possible bulges and when I didn't feel any, I opened it up.
It was another page of newspaper but this time there was a letter from my
Mizpah person glued to one side. The letter was starting to make more sense as
the gibberish slowly was being replaced by real words. I didn't get a chance to
read through it because there was a sudden loud knock on the door.
Instinct made me throw my stuff back into the drawer before slowly approaching
the knocking. I really wasn't ready to deal with one of the boys just yet but
every feeling I had told me it was going to be one of them. Please be Howie,
please be Howie I kept saying over and over again until I willed myself to open
the door.
"Hey sweetheart, can I come in for a minute?" Trish asked as I looked
surprised and disappointed to see her.
"Can it wait I'm kind of
busy" I said as she ignored me and made herself comfortable on my couch.
Why bother asking if your gonna come in anyway? I thought while taking a seat
next to her.
"Busy? Clearly that's the poorest
excuse you have ever come up with. Remember I would be the one to know if you
were busy" she smiled at me.
"Well, I could have had a lady in
here and you could have just walked in on a session of Carter Love 101" I
said in my best sexy voice.
"Yeah wishful thinking
sweetie!" she said as she lovingly rubbed my back.
"Now tell me what the hell
happened at your meeting?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Oh I don't know, maybe because I
have been getting calls from Kevin and Howie for the last hour wanting to know
if you were all right. They said you were VERY upset when you left and you
haven't been answering your phone." She paused long enough to take a sip
of water "So what did you guys fight about?"
"I kind a quit the band" I
said refusing to make it seem like the big deal I knew it was.
"Pardon me? Did I just hear you
right? did you just say that you quit the band?" the look on her face told
me I was in for an ass chewing.
"Yes, you heard me right. I quit
the band." I said as I took her water and gulped some down.
"Are you on crack or something?
What the hell is wrong with you?" she hit me on the back of my head.
"I'm tired of the bullshit Trish
they treat me like dirt and I'm sick of it. So I quit. end of story"
"WHa..what end of story? Are you
insane Nick? you just can't quit the band like that especially without warning
anybody. Jive will have your ass!!!"
"Well they can have my ass if
they want it, after all everyone thinks it's big enough to share right?" I
laughed at myself as I tried to take another sip of water. Trish pulled it away
from my mouth and held my chin so I couldn't look down at the floor.
"You need to talk to them again
Nick. You can't just run away from your problems. Life doesn't work that
way"
"I want it too. I'm tired
Trish"
"I know baby but the lifestyle
you chose, doesn't permit you to runaway. Talk to them kiddo, they're your
friends. They'll understand. Kevin and Howie are worried sick. Give them a
call."
"You're my assistant why don't
you give them a call? Isn't that why I pay you the big bucks?"
"I'm your assistant not your
mommy. I love you to death you know that but you have to be the one to do this.
You can't quit. You're solo album will not see the light of day if you quit.
You know that. Besides who are you without the boys?" I looked at her as I
felt all the emotion flooding back into me.
"That's the problem Trish I have
no idea." I leaned on her shoulder and started to cry. She softly rubbed my arms in loving circles
as she tried to console me.
"Shhhh it's okay. Everything will
be all right. It will all work out in the end. I promise." She kissed the
top of my head and just rocked with me back and forth. As the phone rang in the
background...
***
