Chapter 19:
Brotherhood
Kevin's relentless pounding began to give me a
headache so after a few minutes I decided to let him in. I opened the door
enough to just be able to stick my head out but it was useless because the
minute that door opened, Kevin pushed his way inside actually knocking me down.
"Why the hell didn't you answer me? Do you have ANY idea how worried we
were about you?" He screamed at me as he gave me his hand and helped me
up.
"And what the hell was all that banging
and screaming about? I thought someone was killing you or something!" I looked
into his menacing green eyes and relaxed when I saw the deep concern that was
reflected in them. Concern was better than anger when dealing with Kevin.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to be worried. I was just yelling at my
cell phone."
"I see it must have lost the battle
then" Howie said as he entered the room with Joe. I was trying to make
sense of what D had said so to help me he pointed at my cracked phone that was
now lying on the floor. I just nodded and smiled suddenly feeling a little too
uncomfortable to be the center of all the attention. I used to enjoy that, but
ever since I had made my way back to BSB, being the center of attention meant
that everyone was mad at you.
Joe looked at the three of us like we were all insane before looking at me to
give him some kind of sign as to whether I wanted him to leave or not.
"Joe, sorry they came and got you for no reason, go eat some lunch or
something." With that being said he left the room, leaving me with my two
eldest bandmates.
Howie reached down and picked up my phone noticing that there was still some
broken glass on the floor. "Um...what else did you break Nicky?" He
asked me while cleaning the last few pieces of glass. He looked in the garbage
can and said "Oh, I see..nevermind. Looks like the score is Nick one,
phone and glass nothing!" he laughed at his own awful joke and sat on my
bed.
Kevin continued to stare at me until it made me uncomfortable. I was the first
to break eye contact and sat down next to Howie. Only after I was seated Kevin
moved a chair right across from me as if he wanted the staring match to
continue. I was getting angry now.
"So what the hell are you guys doing here anyway? I thought we had said
all that needed to be said at our little meeting, unless you have a whole
nother list of complaints you want to pass my way!" I was trying to be as
sarcastic as possible. Nobody laughed.
"Nicky, we know what we said hurt you before. We" I cut Howie off
right there. "Howie it was them not you, you didn't say anything. Do you
want to now? is that why you're here?" I knew he was only trying to help
but it was always easiest to attack him when I was mad mostly because I knew he
would never lay a hand on me. I wasn't expecting what came next.
"Yes, actually, sure why not, let me have my say. I kept quiet in that
meeting today because I didn't want them to blind side you. I did agree with
one thing that was said though," I was speechless, Howie's tone was loud
and intimidating. "I agree that you should have done something just for
you! Never put business first, if that had meant telling us to screw off to go
to college, than that's what you should have done!" He then grabbed me by
my shoulders and actually SHOOK me when he said "And another thing kid,
how can ou possibly think we don't care about you? I am personally offended by
that!" He then pulled me into an embrace. He hugged me so tight that I
started to cry. Two minutes later there was another warm body hugging me from
behind and I suddenly felt so safe that I wanted to fall asleep.
We broke from our embrace and I suddenly felt like an idiot because I had
cried. Kevin handed me some tissues and I gratefully accepted them. He sat next
to me putting his arm around me. "Kiddo, we never wanted you to quit. You
have to understand that. we love you Nicky and we really didn't mean to hurt
you. That wasn't the intention." I looked over at Kevin and said
"Then what was the intention? You guys must have known that by saying that
stuff I would get all upset!" I looked over to D for some kind of answer.
He was looking at Kevin.
"Yeah Nick we figured that what we said would upset you but we had no idea
how you were feeling."
That made me sit up a little straighter.
"I know you didn't know how I was feeling because since February, you guys
haven't much asked." I felt the need to stand up so I did and began to
pace around the room. "I know you guys were mad at me for doing this but
it's something I had to do" I looked over at Kevin "That's why maybe
I should quit. I can't deal with you guys resenting me and not being happy for
me. It hurts too much. I'm tired of hurting too much."
They both looked a little shocked by the last statement, like they didn't
realize that maybe I had a tough year. On cue Howie said "Why do you hurt?
What's wrong Nick?"
I laughed, "Well...D. It's not easy
making a huge decision with essentially no support. It's not easy..it hasn't
been easy...losing you guys." Even saying those words hurt. I didn't want
to lose them but I had. They did everything as a foursome now and what's worse
they looked happy doing it. somehow I felt out of place. I just needed to admit
that to them as well as myself.
Feeling the need to start crying again I opted for the safe very Nick thing to
do, put on the TV and flip through the channels. That didn't last long because
Kevin immediately shut it off. "You haven't lost us Nick, we have been
right here all along." I wanted to stop him afraid that he would burst
into song but I let him go on anyway. "You have been shutting us out of
your life, not the other way around."
I never thought about it that way before.
Kevin sat on the floor across from me, put his
hands on my legs and went on "How many times have I called you since our
break? And out of those times how many did you actually return?" I thought
about it and could honestly say maybe once. Howie than took over, "I know
we have all tried to get in touch with you only to be blown off, that hurts too
you know"
I gave a sympathetic smile before saying almost under my breath "Not Brian"
I sat back on the bed feeling like a lost child. "I didn't realize that I
had blown you guys off. I was just confused. I didn't want to be yelled at or
lectured to. You were all doing your own things and I somehow just didn't fit
into the mix anymore. You all grew up without me. I know that makes me sound
like a baby but I can't help how I feel." Kevin stood up only to plop down
next to me on the bed and firmly put his arm around me. I looked at Howie who
had taken a place on the floor sitting with his legs crossed pretzel style.
"I didn't do this for spite, I know
that's probably what J and Brian think, I did this because I needed to. I
needed to grow up a bit out of everyone's shadow. this album has helped me to
do that. It really has. I hate the fact that you guys aren't happy for me or
proud of me. I guess I do know you care, But I need you to be happy for me.
Even if you have to lie about it. I can't let this album be the reason you guys
start to hate me." I looked down at the floor. I was done and just waiting
for the lecture. It never came.
Kevin stood up and walked over to the door. I thought I made him mad enough to
storm out or something but he was just stretching. "Nick, we should have
told you this... I should have told you this when I visited you last night, but
I didn't even think about it. I'll tell you now though because I think you need
to hear it. Yesterday morning when we were all in the studio working, Glenn had
the radio on very softly in the background in the control room. It's not because
he wanted to hear Sk8ter Boi, It's because Brian wanted to hear what you had to
say."
I thought to myself oh great he must have loved my comment about the guys not
even hearing the CD. Maybe that was why they attacked me today. They were angry
or something...I came out of my thoughts and back to what Kev was trying to
tell me.
"We worked all morning but when the station announced you were there, we
stopped. We listened to your interview and we laughed when you were funny and
we were silent when you were serious. We listened to every word you spoke and
when you said that we hadn't heard your stuff yet and the way the stupid ass
radio guy made you feel, we hurt for you. When your song came on and you
sounded so happy, we high fived, clapped and cried. All for you Nick. Why?
because" Kevin started to choke up as he continued, "Because we were
so proud of you. We are so proud of you. All of us. You sounded so mature and
professional and happy. I like that on you. When your song was over we opened a
bottle of champagne and toasted you. Brian said way to go little Bro" Then
we went back to work.
I was speechless, me Nick Carter totally speechless. I finally contained my
emotions enough to get out "You...did that..for..me?"
Howie answered "Of course we did Nicky. We are a brotherhood. You are and
always will be a member of that brotherhood. The aby of the family. the baby
who has grown up but maybe needs some more growing to do. Take your time with
that Nick. You've had to grow up too fast." We then embraced in another
group hug.
Getting up to leave, Kevin said "I hope you reconsider your decision to
leave us Nick, we want you to stay. Sleep on it and give us a call in the
morning.""Yeah, don't blow us off." We all laughed at Howie's
words. We hugged again and I walked them to the door.
When they left I stood in a happy disbelief, thinking they did that for me?...
***