Chapter 4:
Forgiven
"How many times shall I forgive my brother..." ~ Matthew
18:21
I don't understand this. I just don't. None of it makes any sense
whatsoever. It all happened so quick. One minute he's here with us, and the
next we're on a break out of nowhere while he's in complete other state getting
the help he's needed to get for at least the last year.
He's getting help. And I know it's what had to happen eventually.
But why do I feel so crappy about it then? God, I'm so screwed up right now. I
didn't even talk to him before he left, 'cause I just had to shoot of my mouth
and clock him one the day before... Why am I so damn stupid?
I mean, Kev got all on AJ's case anyway within the next couple of
days. Why did I think it was so damn important to go off on him right then? And
now my hand's busted and AJ's gone...We all hope he'll be back in a couple more
weeks but it's hard to know for sure.
Stupid basketball game. I'm such an ass-hole. Okay so we were all
playin' around the other day. Me, Bri, and AJ anyway. And we had to like, drag
Aje out to the court, 'cause he'd been in a pissy mood since forever. But Brian
thought it'd be good if we'd include him, maybe it'd get his mind off crap.
So we're out there, me and Bri are just shootin' bricks, 'cause we
thought it'd be fun if we let Aje kick our asses. Thought maybe he'd get a kick
out of it and wanna hang out more instead of being by himself all the damn
time.
Well, needless to say, it wasn't working out at all how we
thought. AJ wasn't with us five minutes before he wanted to bail and go
"chill." I don't know what happened, then. I just went off--started
cussing him out, calling him names and telling him all this shit that isn't
even true. Let's just say what Kevin said was mild compared to what I said.
And the next thing I knew, I hit him. Punched him so hard that my
hand got broken. It knocked him back a few steps. But the worst part about it
is that he just kinda stood there and looked at me... God, he's the one with
the temper, he shoulda hit me back! But he just stood there and stared at me,
his eyes tearing from the blow... And then he just kinda walked away.
I was working up the guts to apologize when he came to us a week
ago or so and told us that he needed to go and get help. I never said a word to
him after hit him...I just let him get on the damn plane and didn't say so much
as a word to him!
Anyway, I haven't done shit for more than a week now. I feel like
such an idiot. The only one that knows what I did is Brian, and he's not even
brought it up. He just kinda shook his head when I did it and went after AJ...
It's probably a good thing that he did.
A couple more days, and guess what? Yep. I still haven't done much
of anything. I always say how much I'd love to just relax for a day, but I
never wanted it to happen under these circumstances. But... I feel like even
more of an ass right now, 'cause a couple hours back, AJ called.
I always figured if he were gonna call one of us it'd be Howie. I
mean, why the hell would he wanna say anything to me? But he did I guess. I
feel so shitty. It makes me guilty to think about and more guilty to write it.
He called...because he wanted to apologize.
He wanted to
apologize, and I’m the one who
pounded him and cussed him out. He was like, "Nicky, listen. You had every
right to hit me and say what you did. I've been a prick, dude. And I'm
sorry." I just kinda sat there like a retard and started telling him how
he shouldn't be sorry, and I was the prick, but he just told me to shut up and
hear him out. He didn't just say sorry for that, but for everything. For
letting things get so out of hand and for not handling stuff better. I couldn't
speak. I was done.
I can't tell ya what, but something about him was different. He
sounded a hell of a lot happier, for one thing. A couple weeks ago, I woulda
never heard him tell me I was in the right for punching him, or offering an
apology where none was expected. But he did. I don't know what it is about that
place, but whatever it is, I want some dude. He seems so cool with himself now,
and happy. I just feel like an ass.
AJ, man, if you ever find this...I'm sorry, too. I hope you know
that.
***
