Last Christmas, I gave you my heart…but the very next day you gave
it away…
Nick changed the station as he drove
his Lexus, which showed none of the damage he’d done six months before. If it
was only so easy to erase the damage being done to him, he’d do it in a
heartbeat. He bit his lip, unsure of what he was going to do. He didn’t have a
clue. He felt like he never did these days. Looking around, he decided to pull
over. He couldn’t drive anyway till he actually made a decision. Nick hit the
steering wheel as hard as he could, frustrated with himself, with everything in
his life. His ears caught the lyrics of
the new song filtering through the speakers.
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays…
At that, he cut the engine. Hearing a
song that he’d always hated, by a group that had made his career ten times more
difficult for half of it, wasn’t a good sign in his eyes. He hated that NSYNC
song with the fire of a thousand suns, to put it mildly. Nick was supposed to
be driving to the airport, but he wasn’t sure where he was going after that.
He’d been back in Los Angeles for two weeks, thinking he’d just ignore
Christmas alone. Of course, no one would let that happen. In fact, he’d gotten
two offers on how to spend his Christmas.
Going back to the Littrells for
Christmas was a tradition that started when he was only nineteen. His own
family failed him too many times, so Jackie had started making sure he came
home with Brian. So that was the first offer.
The second offer, came from his
mother. He’d gotten the call only a week before, and was almost shocked into a
heart attack. His mother, Jane Carter, acting human? It wasn’t a concept he was
used to. At least, not since he was around fifteen years old and he went from
son to ATM in her eyes. Still, a small part of him missed having a real mother,
despite knowing the fact she would never be one to him again. Maybe there were
no ulterior motives. Maybe she was lonely.
Or maybe she needs more money. He shook
the thought away. Nick knew he’d have to forgive her, and he didn’t have the
longest amount of time to do it. He mused on the idea. Christmas with the
Carters. It sounded like one of those bad holiday comedies where everything
that could, went wrong. Nick decided then it wouldn’t be nearly as fun trying
to live it.
His phone buzzed, and he ignored it,
starting up the car again. Nick didn’t care who it was, and wondered if he
could just fly off to the Bahamas and hide away till the holidays ended. He
knew where he was going to spend Christmas, but he didn’t know how he’d be able
to reject his mother’s offer. Nick knew she’d be upset, and even though she
made his life hell for so many years of his life, he felt bad for doing so at
Christmas time.
Finally he pulled out his phone, staring
out at the late night traffic along the highway. “Hello?”
“Hey little man.”
“Hey.”
Nick sighed, feeling a bit of relief
at it being Kevin. He’d missed him more than he ever had during this last tour.
Kevin left the group nine years before, and Nick had adjusted pretty well.
There’d be times he wished Kevin was there, but overall he’d been okay. Ever
since he’d told Kevin though, it hit him harder than ever not having Kevin
there. The whole idea of that was a bit weird; given that part of the reason he
figured he told him, was because he wasn’t
in the group anymore, and therefore wouldn’t be around him to be coddling him
constantly.
“You’re coming down aren’t you? Brian
told me he invited you.”
“Jackie or Brian always invite me.”
“You should come, he’s worried.”
Nick scoffed as he started up the car
again; it was a bit too nippy to not have the heat on. “He’s been bugging you
to tell him hasn’t he?”
“You should tell him.”
“I will. I tried to, I just…I couldn’t
do it. You haven’t-”
“Of course not, but you should.”
“…I know. I just, need to figure my
shit out.”
“I understand, I’m here if you need
help with that.”
“Thanks.”
“I’ll see you soon?”
Nick nodded, forgetting that Kevin
couldn’t see him for a moment before actually answering. He wondered then why
he even debated about where to go to begin with. It should’ve been obvious to
him the entire time. Home was where your family was, and for Nick, that wasn’t
with those who shared the same DNA. “Yep, I’ll see you there.”
****
The Littrell house always made Nick
think of Little House on the Prairie, what little he knew of that show. They
lived on a ranch house, not run down, but you could tell it’d been there for a
long time and had a sense of character to it. The acre it sat on was covered
with snow, giving an almost magical quality as the lights that twinkled upon
the roof made him smile. Mature, snow covered and currently leafless tress
lined the driveway, also decked out in lights. Nick had been there so many
times since he was sixteen, Brian’s parents always did their best to help make
up for the lack of a family Nick had. Still, he hesitated actually walking up
the driveway.
It was Christmas Eve, and he simply
stood there, waiting in the cold. His suitcase in hand, he stood before the
house, shivering as a light snowy power came down upon him. He bit his lip as
he stared the house from the sidewalk. Nick wondered if he’d have had an easier
time going to see his mother and siblings.
“UNCLE NICK!”
A nine year old blonde haired version
of Kevin came running out of the house towards him at full speed. Nick dropped
his bags and held his arms out, catching him in his arms. Mason tackled him
over, causing them both to fall back into the snow.
“You trying to kill me Mase?” Nick
joked, ruffling his hair the way Kevin always did to him.
“Dad sent me out, he said you’d run
off if I didn’t tackle you down.” He answered back, laughing.
“He probably would have.”
Nick glanced up, and there stood
Brian, picking up his bags as Nick lay there in the snow, Mason still on top of
him laughing. He rolled off, making a snow angel beside him. Nick glanced over,
starting to do the same, chuckling. “Hey Bri, come join us in the great making
of snow angels! You know you want to…”
Brian chuckled, shaking his head.
“Mom’s got dinner ready, I won’t be missing that.”
Nick’s head shot up. “She’s got dinner
done already?”
“Of course, you think anyone wants to
wait for her feast?”
Mason perked up and was already
running inside the house. Nick simply laughed. The child had his attention
span, and he always loved teasing Kevin about how Kristen gave him a mini
version of Nick to raise again. Silence came between him and Brian as he rose
out of the snow and brushed himself off. It felt awkward and wrong. Nick
grabbed his other bag, following Brian inside. Although neither said anything,
it felt like a whole argument went unspoken between them. Nick knew Brian
wanted him to talk. And Nick knew that Brian knew he wasn’t going to. The silence
got thick with tension without any words at all as the two walked into the
house.
“Nickolas Gene Carter!”
Nick turned, and dropped his bag by
the door as Brian’s mother came to embrace him. She was a little woman,
especially within the embrace of Nick’s tall frame. Shorter than Brian even, he
hugged her tightly, his chin resting on top of her head as he smiled. “Hey
Jackie…”
She pulled back a bit, taking him in
as she examined him carefully. “You’re doing okay?”
He nodded. “Yep, better than I have
been.” Liar, Liar, soon enough my pants
will be on fire…
“Good, you deserve to be happy.” She
looked around. “What, no special someone here with you?”
Nick shook his head, his heart aching
at the thought. He would never have that. “Nah, just single again.”
Jackie Littrell patted his cheeks
gently, giving him a loving smile. “It’ll happen, and that girl will be lucky
to have you.”
Nick just nodded, as she led him to
the dinner table. “Thanks again for having me.”
“You thank me every year Nick, and
every year I tell you you’re family so we’ll have you anytime. Now, sit!”
Smartly, he plopped in the seat she
picked for him, placed right in between the two people he wasn’t up to sitting
next to. Brian was on his right side, and beside him were Leighanne and Baylee.
On Nick’s left was Kevin, with Kristen and Mason at his side. Across sat
Brian’s father Harold, as well as his brother Harold Junior. Kevin’s older
brothers, Tim and Jerald sat there as well with their wives and kids. It always
struck Nick funny that Kevin was the youngest in his family, with Nick the
oldest in his, and in the group the roles reversed. It probably explained their
dynamic relationship.
What also amused him was while Brian
looked very much like his mother, Harold Jr. always made Nick think of what
would happen if he was able to blend Brian and Kevin together in a mixer. With
the same cheekbones as Brian, he had the same facial features as Kevin. Then
when he looked at Jerald, he saw a guy who could almost pose for Brian, while
Tim looked like Kevin without the infamous bushy brows. The Littrell genes ran
strong in that family, always causing Nick to crack inbred jokes around Kevin
when he was younger.
“Nick…why don’t you say grace for us
this year.”
Nick blinked at Harold Senior’s
request. “Me?”
He nodded, beaming at him. “Sure,
you’re family, and in all these years we haven’t asked you to do the honors.
Would you mind?”
Nick swallowed hard, shaking his head.
“No, sure…I mean, I’ll do it.”
How do I do this when I curse out God every other day for the shit
he’s putting me through?
They all bowed their heads, leaving
Nick with no choice really but to bow his as well and come up with something as
he went. Nick took in a deep breath, and hoped he didn’t end up sounding like
an idiot.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I…we…thank you
for this meal and the blessings you have given us…” He peeked up, trying to
stay calm as he continued.
You gave them blessings, but you cursed me. “We pray that you shall continue to bless us. We thank you um…for
the fact we can all be together, healthy and safe and sound…um…so thanks Pops.”
He raised his head, looking sheepish. He always called God “Pops” ever since he
started believing somewhat again. He hadn’t meant to say it out loud though.
“That was good Nick.” Brian grinned at
him, suppressing a laugh at the “Pops” mention as well. For a moment, it almost
felt like everything was okay. Just for a moment. They all began to eat
contently, leaving Nick lost within his pensive state.
Kevin nudged him; Nick ignored him as
the food was placed upon the table. He
wasn’t going to talk, and now was not the time. Brian nudged him next. Nick
pretended that didn’t happen either as he helped himself to plenty of turkey
and stuffing. Kevin leaned over to say something; Nick turned his head and ate
while trying his damndest to ignore him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw
Kristen and whisper to Kevin. He only caught fragments of it: “leave” and
“alone”. He smirked. He always did love Kristen. Brian leaned over to try and
talk to him as well before he could even snicker at the Richardson couple.
“Look, Nick…”
“Not now.”
“Hey. I wasn’t…”
“I’m full. Thanks, dinner was
fantastic.”
Nick rose, suddenly not feeling hungry
anymore. Besides, he was sure he broke past his carbs limit for the day as it
was. He walked outside, taking in the air. Kevin’s footsteps soon followed. He
knew they were his, without even turning to look. They just knew each other
that well.
“You alright?”
“I’m fine. It’s just hard.”
“Brian’s-”
“Who’s Brian?” Nick asked, with the
hint of a smirk.
Kevin stared at him, trying to figure
out whether he was serious or not. After letting him sweat it out for about a
minute, Nick laughed emptily. “Sorry. Bad joke.”
He rolled his eyes at him. “That
wasn’t funny.”
Nick shrugged. “Gotta laugh at
yourself right? I’m trying. I’m fucking trying to cope alright? It just ain’t
working. It ain’t working and Brian’s constantly trying to figure out just
what’s wrong with me. When what I need for him most is to just back off and act
normal! I don’t want him remembering me acting like an ass. I want him
remembering me as his crazy best friend who’s always causing chaos and living
life up. He needs that, he needs that before my brain fucking goes.”
A hand rested on his shoulder as the
two watched the snow still falling down softly upon them. “What about what you
need?”
“Who cares! I won’t remember it
anyway! This fucking Alzheimer’s will destroy my brain, it’ll make me forget
everything! Who cares what I want! I won’t remember not getting it, so who
gives a damn! God…I just…I’ll handle this easier if I can just go out the way I
want…and…and…”
Nick trailed off when he turned away
from Kevin. There, caught within his vision, and within definite hearing range
stood Brian only several feet away. Frozen in shock and disbelief at what he
just heard as he stared at them. He stood there, unmoving, no reactions. . Nick
screamed, kicking a nearby tree. “Perfect, just fucking perfect. You two talk
about it. I’m going inside where at least your family can treat me normal.”
He stalked inside, slamming the door
behind him.
***