It was the last night of the tour, and Nick was
nervous. It wasn’t so normal, for him to be this on edge. But this night felt
different. It was the end of an era, though the fans wouldn’t know that just
yet. Because of that though, he wanted to give them one last night to remember.
And he planned to. He was dressed and had just gotten through with the makeup.
He stood just behind the curtain at the stadium in Budokan. He sighed. It was
frightening, picturing a life without performing, when he’d done nothing but
that since before he’d even joined the Backstreet Boys. It was who he was.
Without that, it felt like he didn’t need this disease to take his essence
away, because he was doing it himself before it could.
There was just something to performing that gave
him the biggest rush of a lifetime. Every time it felt like it was the first
time. It never was able to get old for him, going out there, playing to the
crowd. The crowd screaming in excitement was the biggest high he’d ever been
able to find. It was far more addictive than the drugs or the alcohol ever
could’ve dreamed of being. He wanted to kick himself for all those mistakes.
He’d wasted so much time. It wasn’t till he realized it was all being taken
from him to finally quit it all without a look back. There was so much not fair
about it.
“Nick?” he heard Brian call, he smiled, coming back
to reality. He was waiting with the dancers and the crew, his hair still a
faded neon green. Nick grinned, in the past few nights Brian hadn’t managed to
get it out completely yet.
He headed over, joining the circle. Brian’s arm
came over his shoulder on his right, and Nick suddenly fought the urge to cry.
This was the last time they’d do the prayer circle they’d been doing for the
past twenty three years. Nick had always known it couldn’t last forever,
nothing could. But the end was too soon. AJ’s arm wrapped over his shoulder
from the left, and Nick swallowed it all back. He could dwell later. Now was
the time to enjoy it as much as he could. Until his memories faded away, he
knew he’d be holding on to this. He’d told them they could go on without him,
but they it touched him that they decided not to. The five of them had an a
farewell album they were going to record back home in the States, but this
would be the last Backstreet Boys concert any of them would ever do.
“Lord we thank you for our final show…” Brian
began. “And we ask we bless those here and help us put on a good show tonight.
We ask that you keep us all healthy and happy, and help those who aren’t become
so. Amen.” None of the others noticed it, but he saw Brian’s head lift up and meet
his gaze a moment before everyone else’s.
They all put their hands in. Nick stared at Kevin,
a permanent smile upon his face. “Backstreet!” They chanted. The circle of
people dispersed. Everyone went off to do their various tasks. All that
remained, standing in a circle reminiscent of the early days, were the five
members of the group.
It felt right though, having the five of them for
the last hurrah. That was part of the surprise. Nick had been able to convince
Kevin that on his sole night off, he should join them on stage for the final
concert. Even though he’d protested, Nick believed Kevin agreed with him. This
was how it should end. As the music started, and the dancers ran out on the
stage into place, Nick couldn’t help feeling somewhat content amongst the
melancholy of it all. If there was a way to go out, as a group in terms of
performing, he didn’t mind this. This would be the way he’d choose it. The five
of them were together again. They were on top.
And despite everything, in that moment, they were
happy.
***
“We love you Budokan! That’s right, there ain’t no
party like a Carter party cause a Carter party don’t stop!” Nick screamed as
after running out on the stage one last time. They already did two encores but
he loved the rush so much he didn’t want to let it go. He didn’t know how he
could stop it from being so, but he felt like he needed to hang on to this. He
felt an arm grab him, forcing him to finally give up and go backstage.
“Nick…” AJ said laughing as the two headed back to
the dressing room. “You were enjoying that way too much.”
“I know…but it’s…it’s not like I’m gonna get
another chance. This is it.”
“But…but the doctors may find a way to help you.”
Now that AJ had come to accept what Nick had, he’d
found something new to be in denial about. Nick’s chances at a recovery. He
loved him, he really did. The problem was that it upset him more than anything
to hear AJ say those words. While his friend thrived off of the idea the false
hope provided, Nick on the other hand felt like it was killing him softly.
“AJ…”
“Hey, you never know right?”
He cracked a smile, weak though it was. “Right.”
They headed backstage, back towards the dressing
rooms. There, Nick would have a moment of peace away from the others. He needed
some time alone to really absorb the fact that it was over. He knew they would
still have that farewell album. Still, their performances as a group, all those
years together singing at the drop of a dime, had come to an end. Nick walked
towards his room, opened the door and closed it softly behind him. He sat in
his chair, staring at the mirror before him on the wall.
At least now I can dye my hair back to normal, he mused.
Suddenly, a big smile grew upon his tired looking face. His features lit up,
and a sparkle appeared within his eyes. The concert had been fantastic, a good
end to a crazy ride. He sighed.
In his mind, he could still hear the fans
screaming “Backstreet Boys! Backstreet Boys!”
***
Sunlight seeped into his vision, momentarily
blinding him. Nick awoke with a start, rolling over and falling to the cold
floor of the room with a solid thud. Groaning, he rubbed his now sore head that
had slammed into the nightstand on the way down. He tried to get up and found
himself tangled within a massive mess of sheets. As he struggled to get free,
he glanced around; he was faced with something he hadn’t expected.
Aren’t we supposed to still be in Japan? The
tour had ended a couple days before, but they’d decided to stay a week after to
just bond together. Even though it wasn’t the last time any of them would see
each other, it certainly had felt like one last time. Kevin had been the only
one to leave, as he had obligations with the show he was doing.
So why was he here? He was met with a familiar
vision, the apartment he’d come to love once. Before the destructive end of a
relationship he hadn’t been ready to move to the next level. So why was he back
here? Nick knew he had probably forgotten leaving Japan, seeing himself here
had answered that question, as frustrating as it was. He knew he’d have to call
AJ or Brian later and ask how long they’d been back. The apartment still looked
the same, airy and attractive with various shades of browns and blacks. The
biggest difference was the lack of any pictures featuring the two of them
together. At one point, her room had been filled with them.
Why Lauren though? Why was he even here?
It’d been almost two years now since they’d broken
up. Almost a year since he’d been diagnosed as well. Not that that was an anniversary
he wanted to celebrate. Neither was, actually. Nick stood, finding himself to
be wearing nothing but a pair of boxers sitting low upon his hips. He swallowed
back hard, trying to figure out just what happened and how the heck he’d gotten
there.
“Nick?” He heard her soft voice call. “Are you
up?”
“Fuck a duck…” He muttered, trying now to find his
clothes. They were nowhere to be seen in his immediate vision.
“Nick?”
“I’ll…be down in a second…” Finally spotting his
pants almost completely obscured by the blankets he’d tossed off before falling
from the bed, he almost did a victory dance. Reaching inside, he grabbed his
cell phone and bolted for the bathroom. Once inside, he shut the door, once
again trying to process his situation.
I’m in Lauren’s apartment, wearing nothing but
boxers, and woke up in her bed. I have no idea what the hell happened cause I
can’t fucking remember it. What the HELL do I do?
So he did what he’d do anytime he was stuck. He
called Brian.
“BRIAN!”
“Geeze Nick, you wanna make me deaf?” He replied
amidst a yawn.
“Sorry! It’s just I have a situation!”
“You always have a situation. I think you’re the reason I’m going
bald.” He joked.
“Got the green out of your hair yet?”
“Yes, it took me about a week after we got home
though…hey, your situation? I can hear you laughing at me!”
“How long have we been back?”
“About a week and a half…Nick are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” He sat on the toilet seat, feeling
more awkward with every moment. “Look, I’m at Lauren’s…”
“Don’t you think getting back with her is a bad
idea? With, well you know-”
He ran his free hand tiredly through his ruffled
hair. Nick suddenly wondered if he’d dyed it back to blonde yet. He couldn’t
remember and he hadn’t looked in the mirror. It felt utterly strange not having
a clue about something like that.
“Yeah I know it’s not a good idea!”
“So why are you there?”
“I don’t know! That’s the problem! I don’t fucking
know!”
He could hear some noises from Leighanne and
Baylee in the background. Nick smiled a bit. He needed to go visit Baylee again
and bond with him while he still could. It might help him relax too. “Wait, so
you don’t know why you’re there?”
“No! I woke up, almost completely nude in her bed.
Last I remember was a couple days before we left fucking Japan!”
A knock came at the door. Nick groaned. Could this
morning get any worse? Or for that matter, could it get any more complicated?
Why did his life always have to attract the weird, strange, and randomness most
people never had to deal with? He’d never understand.
“What do I do?!” He hissed into the phone. Brian
was his buddy. Brian almost always knew the answer. When he didn’t, that was
when Kevin knew them.
“You’re going to have to tell her. Explain. She’ll
have to understand you didn’t realize what you were doing. Whatever that was.”
“I can’t do that!” He almost screamed, forgetting
just for a moment she was waiting on the other side of the door. Nick couldn’t
handle this, this was too complicated. All he wanted was simple. Was that
really too much to ask for, given everything he was forced to deal with?
“Nick, what are you doing in
there?”
“I haven’t even told my family yet!” he whispered
anxiously.
“You’re going to have to tell her something. At
least with the truth, she’ll be more understanding. You knew you couldn’t hide
this forever.”
“But…” Nick felt like screaming and throwing his
phone at the wall. He always felt destructive lately.
Suicide would’ve been way damn easier.
“Why do you always have to make sense?!” He
whined, instead of saying what he really thought. Kevin telling the others what
he’d said before had them on edge enough.
“Sorry buddy.”
The door opened just as he shut the phone. He
stared up at Lauren, still wearing nothing but his boxers, sitting on the
toilet looking utterly panicked. She was as beautiful as ever, and part of him
still missed her. He missed her knowing it could never again happen, and not
just because they wanted different things this time. She raised a brow, holding
a steaming cup of coffee.
“What the heck are you doing?”
He gave a sheepish grin, having no idea of what to
say. “Hi Lauren.”
***