“Nick?” She stared down at him, with the soft doe
eyes he once loved more than anything. She held the coffee out to him, with the
oddest expression. He really couldn’t blame her. What was she supposed to
think, him in nothing but boxers, sitting on the toilet holding the phone and
looking panicked? Now, granted, he knew she expected him to be odd. Still, this
was a new level of strangeness, even for him.
“Hi Lauren.” He said once again, at a complete
loss for words. He felt like at least if he repeated himself, it would still be
better than the silence making everything that much more awkward.
Jesus Nick, come up with something new to say.
“What are you doing?”
He sighed, trying to figure out just how to come out
and ask how long he’d been at her place. And if he’d told her why he came.
Somehow, he had a feeling she wasn’t going to take those questions all that
well. Nick took a death breath, standing as he took a sip of the coffee.
“Okay, this is gonna sound weird…”
She raised a brow at him. “I became used to weird
from you a long time ago.”
Nick nodded, wearing a sheepish grin. “I know, but
this is weird even by my standards. So, um…when did I come over? It’s just…” He
couldn’t even finish. How could he explain his actions before even knowing what
they were?
“When you came over? Jesus Christ Nick, were you
that plastered last night?” She replied, looking hurt as she leaned up against
door. A bit of the wife beater she wore rode up, revealing a perfectly tones
tummy. He bit his lip, wanting to just take her then and there. It had been
awhile, and he knew soon he wouldn’t be able to anymore, making it that much
more tempting.
So it was last night and I fucking drank.
Idiot! You’re still on the medication you fucking dumbass! He
shouted at himself mentally. He really was trying to quit with all the bad
habits, he knew it would do no good. But then, it had probably been a bad few
nights. Depression was a constant companion now, making that goal far more
difficult than it had once before.
“Look…Lauren…”
She shook her head, walking away. Nick set the
coffee aside and walked after her. Despite their breakup, despite their
differences, he knew she didn’t deserve to be hurt like this. He wasn’t sure
what had happened, but now he was getting the general idea. Why he’d gone to
her place he still had no clue, but maybe it was because he knew she’d still
welcome him. In spite of everything.
“I can explain everything!” he called out. Brian
was right, he was going to have to tell her and pray she didn’t tell the world.
It wasn’t like her to do that, but he knew what he was doing to her wasn’t
fair, and that if she did tell, he’d deserved it. Lauren came to a sudden stop,
turned towards him with her face contorted with rage.
“I should’ve known you hadn’t changed. You’re
still doing the same dumb shit. You’re still too terrified of any real
commitment. I mean God Nick! You show up at my door, and I thought you were
just a little buzzed. You tell me you need someone, that no one else gets you,
that you missed me all this time… I mean god damn Nick! When the hell are you
gonna grow up?!”
He bit his lip. All of that was true, and all it
took was some alcohol and Exelon to really bring it out of him. What could he
do now? He couldn’t say he didn’t mean it, that he was too trashed by the
combination to control what he was saying. Nick was about to tell her the
truth, but now, the truth didn’t seem good enough.
“Don’t you have anything to say? You said you
could explain!”
Nick scoffed with a roll of his eyes. “I can, but
you wouldn’t believe me anyway.”
I’m such a chicken shit. I’m still trying to
bullshit my way out of this. Way to go Nick.
“Try me.”
Wishing he was wearing more than just those
boxers, Nick strengthened his resolve. He was getting to the point where hiding
it wasn’t going to be an option for much longer. Already it was getting him
into more trouble, leaving him in situations he couldn’t get out of because he
had no idea what had occurred to begin with.
What really sucks is I can’t even remember
getting laid. Or if I even did.
“Nick? I’m waiting...”
“Fine, you want to know?”
“Yep, let’s hear what excuse ‘Nothing is ever MY
fault’ Carter has for messing with my emotions every which way, today! It better
be good, that’s all I’m saying.” She crossed her arms beneath her large bosom.
Nick’s eyes traveled there, resting upon them even with Lauren giving him one
of the deadliest glares he’d ever encountered.
“Well…”
***
“I can’t believe she gave you a black eye!” AJ
snickered as he drove Nick back to his place.
“Dude, she didn’t believe me at first.” Nick
explained, tenderly touching the area around his eye, and checking out his hair
out in the rearview mirror. At least he had managed to dye it back to its
natural color. Not that he could remember doing it.
When he told her, she actually punched him. And as
much as that hurt, surprising as it was, the fact she actually did it shocked
him the most. Of all the ways she could’ve reacted, that hadn’t been one of his
predictions. Unlike every other girlfriend he’d had, she never once got like
that during their relationship. What really got to him, was how Lauren took it
even worse once he showed her the medication as proof.
“How’d she take it once she did?”
“She started crying. That’s why I didn’t want her
knowing. Fuck man, why the hell did I end up back over there? We’ve been broken
up for about two years now.”
“Because you still love her man, and when you got
fucked up, you went back to her. She didn’t know, and she was able to comfort
your dumb ass.”
Nick glanced over at AJ with surprise. His friend
simply laughed. “What? Come on, being around Kevin and Brian so many years
rubbed off on me.”
“Great so country bumpkinism is contagious.”
“I’m so telling Kevin you said that.”
“Shit I’ll just say I don’t remember.” Nick joked,
only to be met with an awkward silence in response. He sighed. “Sorry, bad
joke.”
AJ said nothing.
“I feel like I have to joke or I’m gonna lose my
damn sanity, that’s all.”
AJ smirked, adjusting his shades as they waited
for the light to change at the intersection. “You were never sane.”
“Look who’s talking.”
“Man, just wait till Brian gets a load of you with
that shiner.”
“He’s coming out?”
“Yeah, tomorrow. Farewell album recordings, your
charity and solo album stuff. He said he wants to come along with you for your
promo, just in case.” He could see the frustration in AJ’s face, even though he
didn’t say anything. They must have told him, and of course he lost that as he
did everything else from the past week.
“I can handle going on my solo stuff by myself.”
There wasn’t much, just promotional stops.
The idea of losing days at a time, or a week in
this case, terrified Nick. He could end up anywhere, doing anything, and not
have any clue of how it happened. This time was just luck, having gone to his
ex-girlfriend’s. Someone who he knew wouldn’t take advantage of her, even when
he unintentionally used her. He originally had planned to do all his solo media
stops solo. But now? Now he was just happy Brian decided for him.
“There’s something else I gotta do tomorrow too.”
“What’s that?” AJ asked as they drove down the
roads. Nick glanced out the windows, still missing the calm country home he
felt like he’d never see again in Tennessee.
“I gotta tell Angel. And tonight…I’m gonna call
Jenn. All this shit, fuck, I can’t put it off anymore.” He looked away, his
expression sad and wistful. His gaze focused on nothing in particular.
AJ’s voice brought him out of his thoughts. “Dude,
she doesn’t know? I assumed she knew.”
Nick stared at him. “Are you kidding? Fuck she’s
gonna flip…”
“Little girl, but man she’s scary when she’s
angry.”
“Tell me about it.”
***
When Nick had called Jenn to tell her he needed to
talk to her about the solo album, he hadn’t expected her to actually show up at
his condo. He glanced down at her petite frame. That was the thing about their
manager. What she lacked in height she made up for with intimidation. He knew
she wasn’t going to like what he had to say, and he wasn’t looking forward to
her reaction.
“Okay Nick, you say it’s serious, what’s up?”
“Well, I can’t tour for the solo album. One promo
performance and that’s probably all I can handle. I can’t do a tour though.”
“WHAT?!” She shrieked. “What do you mean you can’t
do a tour? The only reason I was able to sell Universal on the idea of your
charity album was because of the tour profits that’ll come in!”
“I know, but there’s a good reason and-”
“Whatever it is, it’ll have to wait. You have to
tour. End of story.”
Nick felt like ripping his hair out as he watched
the petite brunette before him. Did she think he just didn’t want to tour for
the heck of it? He loved touring, he loved performing. Deciding he wasn’t going
to ever really perform the solo album he put his heart and soul in, it almost
destroyed him. This wasn’t easy for him. And although she didn’t know why, and
therefore didn’t understand how difficult this was, he hated her for not making
this any easier. He stepped forward almost shoving the prescription slip he’d
had to tote around to her.
“Here.”
“What…” Her eyes scanned the piece of paper, and
he could almost determine exactly the moment it hit her. The light in her eyes dimmed,
and the look she gave him was a broken one.
“Tell me this is fake.”
He shook his head. “Wish it was. I found out just
when we were getting ready for the album launch and all that. You know why I’d
mix up new lyrics sometimes? There’s your answer. So…I can’t tour.”
Gently she handed back the slip back to him. “I’ll
fill the suits in.”
He came up and hugged her. It felt weird,
comforting Jenn. Even though she was so tough on them, she’d become close to
the four of them. It was only natural. The anger he had only moments before
dissipated. He rested his chin on top of her head, chuckling. “You make a good
headrest you know.”
Jenn pulled away, swatting his arm. “Watch it
Carter.”
“I’m not ready for it yet, but when I announce it
to the media…I want it to be at my first and last solo performance for this
album.”
“VMAs maybe? It gives you a couple months; I’m
sure when I tell them you’ve got a major announcement...” She said as she
grabbed her purse from the coffee table. Nick couldn’t blame her for wanting to
leave. Everyone would have to cope differently.
A smile slowly grew. Jenn headed for the door and
he nodded. “Yeah, sounds good.”
Nick watched her go before going out to the
balcony. He was lying. Nothing about this sounded good. The fact he was
planning his goodbye to the industry. The fact he was saying far more goodbyes
than he ever wanted to. Tomorrow he’d have to say what was essentially another
one. He’d have to plan everything out with the lawyers now. It just felt odd
and heartbreaking.
After today, he doubted that five year window the
doctors originally gave him. The thought was terrifying. He had been counting
on it more than he realized. There were plenty of signs telling him he needed
to get it together. Nick couldn’t ignore them any longer.
He was running out of time.
***