“And once again, that was, the
Backstreet Boys!”
Nick turned off the TV in the hotel
room. He always got amused by delayed television airings. They were back in
NYC, doing some more promotion for the album.
Even after all these years, seeing himself perform on TV always amazed
him. He got up, stretching till he heard his back crack a bit. He glanced
around for his wallet and groaned when it wasn’t where he thought he left it.
“God damn it…”
He hated this. He did. The doctor had
warned him that he could travel, tour, do his career just fine for now.
However, the unfamiliarity was going to likely throw him off a bit, and that
he’d have to be patient with himself. He
wondered if the drugs were even doing him any good. They had to be right? He
hadn’t forgotten the songs recently, much to his great relief. He’d just been
getting confused on where his things were, something Nick knew he had to get
used to if he was going to pull this off.
He tossed off the blankets from the
bed, stripping it down. No wallet. He checked his suitcases, throwing clothes
around the room. They landed on lamps, the TV, the couch. A pair of underwear
that Nick only wore during performances so he didn’t flash people on national
television caught on the ceiling fan and swung around like a victorious army
flag. Still no wallet. The room looked like a war zone, as if a clothes grenade
had gone off and spared nothing.
“Oh fuck me sideways!”
“That’s a nice greeting.” Nick glanced
over to the now open door. There stood Brian, chuckling to himself. In his hands, he held the wallet. “This what
you’re looking for?”
Nick grinned, trying to look amused
rather than irritated. “Where did you find that?”
Brian raised a brow. “In my sock.”
‘How the hell did it end up in his sock?’ Instead of giving a real answer, he simply laughed. “So my telepathy
was off and it landed in your sock instead of mine.”
“Something’s off anyway.”
Nick simply responded by sticking his
tongue out at him. It was simpler and easier than saying what was really going
on. He had no idea how he was going to get Brian off his back, but he knew he
needed to do a better job making everything seem normal.
“So where you off to?”
“See Kevin, we’re supposed to meet up
after his show tonight.”
As Nick grabbed his wallet from Brian,
he hugged him. Brian hugged him back just as tight, before pulling away and
giving the younger man a long stare. He simply smiled casually, hoping to trick
the hardest Backstreet Boy to fool besides Kevin. He figured it was something
in those Littrell genes of theirs.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah, come on. Even you said
yesterday I seemed to be back to my old self again man.”
It was true, as Nick fought to use
more memory tricks and the drugs went through his system, it felt easier to
keep everything under control. It was nothing close to what was once normal,
but enough of a difference to keep everyone fooled for at least the moment. He
finally had the dance steps down, he was using the GPS system regularly to keep
himself from getting lost, and as for songs, he was listening to them and
singing along twice as much as he used to so that he’d keep the lyrics in his
head. It was the little signs that were still around, little signs however, he
could tuck away easily.
“Alright…I just got a feeling
something’s up. I’m here if you need to talk Nick, I mean it.”
It was statements like that, that
tested him like nothing else. He felt like scum when he simply replied, “I know
Brian, I know.”
****
He waited outside the theater,
enjoying the anonymity the nighttime gave him. Nick gave an almost contented
sigh as he took a long look around. Broadway was lit up, dazzling with Neon in
a way no other place could. Nick loved New York City, not to move to, simply to
visit. The night had cooled in an unseasonable manner, causing him to turn up
the collar on his leather jacket to fight the chill and curious glances by
those passing him by. He’d seen the show, where Kevin owned his role as Tom
Collins in “Rent”. In truth, Nick was amazed every time he saw him act, at how
natural Kevin was upon the stage. It was nothing like he’d done before theater,
and that included the Backstreet Boys as much as that still stung. As the cast
filtered out from the theater, he grinned when Kevin caught his eye.
At the age of forty three, Kevin still
managed to fight age the same way Nick had. His raven locks were free of grey
(though Nick credited that to hair dye), and unlike his cousin had a full hair
of hair still. There were more lines along his eyes, only furthering the look
of depth and wisdom he always possessed. His infamous “bushy brows” were still
there, always an amusement to Nick. He had an old comic book that he made once
stashed at home in a trunk. It had been back during the Millennium days, only
nineteen and Nick had an eerie knack for infuriating the oldest member. “The
Tales of Caterpillar Man” had been one of his shining moments where Nick still
swore he made Kevin burst a blood vessel the day he found it laying on Nick’s
bunk in the tour bus.
The two embraced, Kevin still taller
and Nick felt safe for the first time in weeks. There was just this aura around
Kevin, his big brother and substitute father in every essence of the word.
Despite how his anal retentiveness and overprotective side drove Nick’s ADD
driven mind, and hyperactive personality crazy, Nick had always looked up to
him. He’d always looked up to Kevin, wanted to be like him, especially when the
group first started. That’s why he’d always tagged behind Kevin at the
thirteen, having been his shadow. It had been the start of a love/hate relationship
that both men adored but would never admit to it.
Kevin tousled Nick spiked up hair
playfully as they walked along the sidewalk. “How are ya lil man?”
Nick chuckled. “Kev, I haven’t been
little since puberty.”
“You are in my eyes, so how’s the
album?”
“Done and in printing, enjoying your
run? I personally love that you’re a gay anarchist, it’s very AJ.”
The older man laughed his arm swung
around Nick’s shoulders, causing Nick to outright beam. “Everything is very AJ.
Mason misses you, you know, he asks about Uncle Nick.”
Nick paused, forcing the moments ago
natural smile to stay on his face. “Maybe I’ll do a Backstreet Baby day and
just take all the kids out together. Cause everyone wants a piece of Uncle
Nick, and can ya blame em?” He joked, in his attempt to sound as natural as
possible.
“There are times I question my son’s
sanity.”
“Nah, his taste is just loads better
than yours. He got Kristen’s taste.”
The two continued to walk, laughing
into a comfortable silence. Nick used to hate that with Kevin once. He’d never
been able to understand how he could just hang out people, and not talk much.
Now, years later, he understood. It was reaching that level of comfort and
familiarity that you didn’t have to say anything; you just simply enjoyed the
presence of that loved one being with you.
“So what’s wrong?” Kevin asked as the
two kept up their pace, enjoying the peace at night that they never received
during the day.
Nick jerked away, startled. “Wrong?
Nothing, life is good.”
“Brian does fill me in you know.”
Nick mentally cursed out the Kentucky
cousins. Couldn’t they simply communicate just a little less? Make Nick’s life
a little bit easier. He wanted to kick himself for forgetting that, and he
couldn’t even blame the Alzheimer’s for it. It occurred every time, just like
clockwork. Something would be wrong, like he was sick, or bugging him, like his
mother, so he would tell Brian. Or Brian would notice the little signs Nick
couldn’t hide. Then, if Brian couldn’t do anything about it, he’d immediately
tell Kevin, who’d take his own approach to fixing Nick. Kevin’s way almost
always worked, because he was pretty hard to go up against. Resistance was
futile.
‘Why
do I always forget how Bri and Kev team up against me?’
“I’m okay, really.”
Kevin shrugged. “Alright.”
Nick stared at him. “Wait, what?”
“Nick you’re almost forty-“
“I’ve still got five years!”
“Point is, I can’t make you tell me
what’s wrong anymore.” His hand rested on Nick’s shoulder, the intensity that
emanated from his sharp green eyes made Nick want to squirm. The Kevin look,
another tactic once commonly used in the battle to make him talk. It’d been
awhile since Nick had been forced to face it.
“….There, there’s nothing wrong.”
“You’re sure, you should know by now
I’m here for you for anything.”
Nick nodded, feeling more like dirt
with every lie he told. “Of course I know…dude you’ve been there for me more
than my so called ‘real’ family.”
“We are family, how are your siblings
anyway?”
“About the same, Aaron’s still trying
to destroy himself. BJ ignores me. Leslie pretends none of us exist…and Angel…”
He smiled then, bearing the look of a proud father. “Angel’s doing great, her
line is fantastic. She wants me to try and see one of her fashion shows before
the tour.”
“Aaron will figure himself out, you
did.” Kevin never asked about his parents anymore, it’d become a sore spot for
the Kentuckian. He always got angry and defensive anytime he heard about how
they didn’t appreciate Nick.
Nick sighed, throwing his hands up in
the air helplessly. “I don’t know. He won’t let me help him. At least I had
you, y’all, around me trying to keep me from getting myself killed. Aaron ain’t
got that Kev. Hell I did and it took me forever to appreciate it…” He turned
away, losing his grasp on the control he so desperately needed to have. “…and
now I…”
“You what Nick?”
“Forget it, look I’m tired. I should
just go back to the hotel.” His voice was shaking; he kept his back to Kevin.
He couldn’t do this. Not to him. He
couldn’t tell anyone either. He wanted to handle this alone, protect everyone
from it as long as he could. But Nick knew if he didn’t get away from the one
man who could read him better than anyone else alive, he’d soon crack.
“Just tell me.”
Tears ran down Nick’s face as he
struggled to stay silent. He was so afraid, afraid of what was to come. Afraid
of losing everything the way he knew he would. Afraid of letting anyone get
close, knowing it’d only hurt them in the end. Distancing everyone, including
the four men who’d long ago become his brothers had seemed to be the best
option.
“You can’t tell anyone.” His voice was
horse, broken as it trembled with emotion.
“Nick are you…”
“I mean it, not even Brian. Not
Kristen either…no one. You can’t tell anyone!” He turned back to face Kevin,
grabbing his arms fiercely.
“I won’t.”
“Swear to me Kevin. No one can know.
Not yet. I…I didn’t even want to tell you, but…I can’t. I can’t fucking take
this. I can’t handle this. I gotta tell someone. I…I’m not strong enough to
keep it to myself…and you…you just gotta swear you won’t tell anyone. Not, not
yet.” He was rambling and he knew it. Nick could feel himself falling apart,
and he welcomed it. Somehow he knew he wouldn’t be able to let it happen again
for a long time, and he needed to have it happen now. It felt freeing.
“I swear I won’t tell anyone till
you’re ready. Now what’s going on? What’s got you like this? You’re scaring me
Nick.”
The look on Kevin’s face was one of
pure worry as his brows furrowed together. In other circumstances Nick would’ve
laughed at the way they came together to look like the fuzzy worm he’d always
joked they were. Now however, there was no humor left within him. He breathed
deeply, trying to find a way to say the words he didn’t want to have come. Nick
knew when he said it; it would be more real than it had ever been since the
diagnosis.
“I went to the doctor’s over a month
ago. Cause, things weren’t right…Brian was right in thinking things have
been…been bad…”
“What did he say?”
“They say I have some early fucking
form of Alzheimer’s Kevin! They say I’m gonna lose my mind, my memories,
everything that makes me…me before I’m
even fifty!” He yelled, ignoring the looks of the few people around them. Later
he would be thankful no one recognized him that night. The tears continued to
fall freely, rivers streaming along Nick’s cheeks. “…I’m gonna die Kevin. Maybe
not fucking physically, but where it counts I am. And dammit I don’t know what
to do. They give me around five years…and…I’m scared. I’m just fucking scared
and I need to do so much before it happens…and I can’t tell anyone…”
Kevin’s eyes were watery now, as he
too fought to keep control. Someone had to be the strong one, and that night it
wasn’t going to be Nick. “Why can’t you tell anyone…?”
“Because, I…I want to give them good
memories before I fuck that all up. I’m sorry I have to tell you and not give
you the same. You deserve better…and I’m sorry that I was such a screw up
Kev…sorry you had to babysit me all the damn time…sorry I treated you like shit
sometimes…I’m sorry I…I’m just sorry!”
He pulled Nick into a hug. The two men
held each other tightly, both afraid to let go. It was an embrace of
protection. To keep each other safe from
something neither could fight.
***