Chapter 23

With both Brian in Denver and Olivia on her honeymoon, Sienna didn’t know what to do with her spare time. Marlena and Faith had become good friends and offered Sienna to join them for dinners, movies, and anything they were doing. Because being with them made Sienna feel impossibly old, she thanked them politely and excused herself. That led to moping around her home and talking to Brian on the phone as often as was possible.

One day, her Uncle Jacob, her mother’s youngest brother and Faith’s father, asked her to join his family for dinner. She did, reluctantly, but ended up enjoying being with her family. After dinner, Faith went out for dessert with Marlena, and Sienna spent time talking to her cousin Derek about his plans for college. When he left to study for finals, Sienna found herself drinking coffee with her aunt and uncle.

“So, you’ve been seeing Brian Littrell for nearly a year now, huh?” Aunt Lucy asked her. “That’s an impressive amount of time.”

Sienna shrugged. “Not so impressive. You and uncle Jacob have been together for twenty five years.”

“Yes, we have,” Jacob grinned. “But what your aunt is too subtly trying to ask you is what are your feelings for him? You’re nearly twenty-seven years old, honey. Are you thinking about any further commitment?”

Sienna sighed. “I don’t know. Really, I can’t tell you if we’re going to make any further commitment. I can tell you that we both enjoy spending time with one another, and he really didn’t want to leave for over a month to record for his two albums. I,” she paused. “I’m in love with him. I’m in love with him,” she repeated. “I don’t know what his feelings are, but I wish I knew,” she whispered.

“Oh, honey,” Lucy put her arms around her niece. “I’m so happy for you, and, of course, he must love you back. How could he not? Is something lacking in you?” she asked Sienna, who shook her head. “Men always take a bit more time to realize their feelings.” She ignored her husband’s protest. “It took Jacob fifteen months before he admitted it. Besides, I’ve seen the way Brian looks at you. He cares about you more than just a casual relationship,” she assured Sienna.

“I hope so,” Sienna murmured. “I sure hope so.”

When Olivia and Howie returned from their honeymoon two weeks after their wedding, Liv called Sienna and nearly burst her eardrums with her excitement over the new house. So, Sienna went over and admired the two-story, seven thousand square foot home with the rest of the ten acre property. The second she stepped into the home, she knew it was loved. Brian had been right, she thought. Howie did know his wife and had bought a home that made her happy. Especially the kitchen.

Life went mostly back to normal after their return, except that Brian was still not home. Sienna spent her time organizing the new section of her store. She had decided to cultivate flowers and other plants, place them in recyclable holders, and sell them. Customers would then be able to take them home and replant them. She had turned one corner of her shop into a sort of mini-nursery. Since that area of the shop was generating a lot of income, she figured it had been a good idea.

She had also begun ordering and selling gardening tools, fertilizers, and garden ornaments. Little wind chimes hung and tinkled when customers played with them, while brass pots and figurines sat in another corner.

In early July, Brian called to apologize and say that the Boys needed to be in Sweden to record with Max Martin for the next three weeks. Martin was very busy, and this was the only time he could squeeze them in. Sienna understood, though she wished he didn’t have to. She and Liv ended up commiserating together, though, which made her feel better.

Three days before her birthday, as she worked behind the register while Marlena helped customers in the nursery section, Sienna stretched and tried to wake herself up. Since she had gotten out of bed that morning, she had felt tired, achy, and her stomach had been in knots. She didn’t understand why she felt sick, but she made sure to smile at everyone to cover up her illness.

Liv walked into the shop before heading to work and, calling out a hello to Marlena, headed to the register to see Sienna.

“Hey, what’s up?” she said to Sienna.

Sienna sighed and sat in a chair behind the counter. “I’ve been feeling so tired today. My stomach feels like I ate something wrong, but I don’t know what it could possibly be,” she told Liv.

“Did my cooking make you sick?” Liv worried, remembering that Sienna had had dinner at her house last night.

Sienna shook her head. “I don’t think so. It’s just…” she broke off and doubled over as she felt pain stab through her.

Liv was around the counter in an instant. “What’s wrong? Sienna, where does it hurt?”

But she could barely speak from the pain radiating through her. It felt like her abdomen was on fire and was being pulled apart with thousands of tiny knives. When she heard Liv gasp and yell for Marlena to call 911, Sienna opened her eyes and saw the blood darken her baby blue skirt and run down her legs to pool on the floor.

Liv crouched in front of her. “Sienna. Sienna, look at me.” When she did, Liv squeezed her hand. “Sienna, could you possibly be pregnant?”

The shock of the question nearly cut through the pain, and, because she really didn’t know, Sienna shook her head. Before Liv could say anything else, a buzzing filled her ears and the world went dark.

“I told you she was bad news, man,” AJ told Nick. “Paris is a party girl. You can see it when you look at her. But, no, you went and got yourself tattooed with her name.”

Brian shook his head. “Sorry, Nick, but I agree with AJ. The whole tattoo deal spells death for a relationship. I mean look at all those people who got their partner’s name tattooed on themselves. Within days, they broke up. What do you plan on doing with that tattoo now?” he asked, gesturing towards Nick’s wrist where “Paris” was scripted.

Nick shrugged. “I don’t know. Man, I thought it might work, but I guess not. I guess not all relationships are meant to work, huh?”

“Tough luck, kid,” AJ told him. When he noticed Max waving at them and pointing to Nick, he nudged Nick. “Max wants you in there. Guess it’s your turn,” he added when Kevin stepped out of the recording booth, finished recording his part of “Climbing the Walls”.

Kevin held the door open for Nick, then sat down with the rest of them. “What’s wrong with him?” he asked, gesturing towards Nick.

“Paris dumped him,” Howie answered. “Guess we’ll be seeing that on the tabloids, now.”

Brian shrugged. “It comes with the celebrity territory. Sienna wasn’t so thrilled about finding herself in Star. They wrote about how she had a secret love child with a past boyfriend and was trying to foist it off on me. They had a picture with her and a kid, too. Turns out the picture was taken when she was watching her cousin’s son.” He shook his head. “Oh well. I have to go call her, now. See if she got the birthday present I sent her.”

He walked down the hallway and stepped into an empty practice room. Pulling his cell phone out, he dialed her number and waited.

“Hello?” Sienna answered the phone in a wavering voice.

Brian smiled. “Sienna, baby, Happy Birthday! Did you get the present I sent?”

She took a breath and controlled her voice. “I like the necklace,” she told him. “Although, I really didn’t need it. You shouldn’t have bought one with emeralds on it.”

“I really did. It reminded me of your eyes, so I bought it,” he told her.

Sienna realized that she really couldn’t control her voice or the sobs that were building up in her throat. “Brian,” she whispered. “I have to tell you something.”

Brian frowned, wondering why she was whispering. “Okay, tell me. Is it something bad? Are you all right?”

“I-I was working two days ago and had a really horrible stomachache. Brian, I had a miscarriage,” she choked out.

He froze, the phone still at his ear. “A miscarriage?” he repeated numbly. How could she have been pregnant? He wondered. Then remembered that they hadn’t used protection that night. “Sienna. Are you okay?”

“It was bad,” she managed to say. “I just came home from the hospital this morning.”

He glanced at his watch and calculated that she had been home for a few hours. “Sienna, I’m coming back,” he decided.

“Brian, I didn’t know,” she began sobbing. “I didn’t know I was pregnant. If I had, I would’ve done something better. I didn’t know,” she moaned.

Brian felt his heart break as he listened to her weeping. “It’s okay,” he tried to soothe her. “It’s all right. I’m going to be there as soon as I can,” he promised her.

“Brian,” she stopped him before he hung up. “Hurry back,” she whispered. “I love you.”

Brian absorbed the elation that broke away some of the pain he felt. Unable to say anything, he hung up.

Hurrying back to the others, he grabbed his coat. Then, he stopped and buried his face in his hands.

“Brian?” Kevin was up in an instant with his arm around Brian’s shoulders. “Hey, cuz, is everything okay?”

Brian shook his head and looked up at his closest friends with tears shining in his eyes. “Sienna had a miscarriage,” he managed. “She didn’t know she was pregnant, and now she’s not.” He took a deep breath. “I’m going home. I’m sorry guys, tell Max I’ll record my part for “I Still…” in L.A. I need to go home to be with Sienna.”

AJ nodded. “I don’t know why you’re still here, pal. Go,” he added, nudging Brian out the door.

When Brian had gone, Nick stepped out of the booth and looked around. “Where’s Brian?”

Kevin sighed. “Brian called home and found out that Sienna miscarried their baby. He went home.”

“Holy God,” Nick whispered and sat in a chair. “Is Si okay?”

Howie shrugged. “I don’t know, he didn’t say. Let’s pray that she is.”

Brian pulled into Sienna’s driveway and tried to compose himself before getting out of the car. If he was upset, he wouldn’t be able to be strong for her. He had managed to catch the first flight to New York and, from there, the next flight down to Louisville. He’d had Harry pick him up and drive him home. At home, he had indulged in a good cry, then he’d hopped into his car and made it to Sienna’s house.

When he rang the doorbell, Liv opened it and smiled in relief when she saw him. “Brian,” she hugged him. “I’m glad you’re here. She needs you. She’s upstairs, in bed. She has to be in bed for the next two days. I’ll be downstairs if she needs anything.”

“How long have you been here?” he asked her.

Liv shrugged. “Since she came home from the hospital.”

Brian lifted his brows. “Go home, sleep. I’ll take care of her.” Liv nodded and watched him bolt up the stairs.

When Brian entered her bedroom, he thought Sienna was sleeping. She was curled under a blanket. The shades were down, which kept any sunlight out. He tiptoed towards the bed and sat down next to her.

“Oh, baby,” he whispered as he brushed a hand gently over her hair. She looked more exhausted than he had ever seen her. There were dark circles under her eyes, and her skin was so pale it was nearly transparent. She woke when his hand touched her hair.

“Brian,” she whispered. “Thank God. Thank God you’re here.”

He buried his face in her hair, and they both wept for the child they’d created, the child neither one had known existed until it was gone. After a while, Brian kicked off his shoes and, crawling into the bed with her, put his arms around her.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here,” he murmured.

She turned into him and placed her hand against his heart. “You’re here, now. I love you,” she whispered.

His hold on her tightened. “I wasn’t sure if I had heard you right,” he managed to say. “I’ve been waiting to hear that for over a year.”

“What?” she looked up at him, hazel eyes surprised.

He smiled. “I’ve been in love with you for so long,” he told her. “I thought I’d never hear you say those words.”

“Tell me again,” she asked him.

Brian framed her face with his hands. “I love you, Sienna.” He kissed her forehead. “I love you.” His lips found hers, and he sank into the kiss.

Sienna sighed and laid her head against his chest. “I figured out I was in love with you on Christmas Eve. I was holding Michelle and dreaming of what my kids would look like. When I realized that I imagined them with your features without meaning to, I knew I was in love with you. And, now, I lost our baby,” she began to weep silently again.

Brian held her close and stroked her back. “It’s okay,” he murmured. “I don’t think there was anything anyone could have done to prevent the miscarriage. What did the doctors say?”

Sienna sniffled. “They said it could have been anything from too much stress to me not being ready to carry the baby. It all comes down to me not being fit to be a mother,” she told him.

“No,” Brian disagreed. “I think you’ll make a wonderful mother. It just wasn’t our time yet. When God really wants us to have those children, we will.”

She shivered, and Brian held her closer. “You should sleep,” he said gently.

“Will you stay with me?” she asked him.

Brian nodded. “I couldn’t go anywhere else,” he promised her.

The following day, while Sienna slept, Liv told him that she had lost a lot of blood, so she would be weak for a few days. A lot of people had found out that Sienna had had to be taken to the hospital, including Brian’s family. Several people had called to find out what was going on, but no one knew anything.

“Has the media called?” Brian asked her.

Liv sighed. “Yes, yes, several people from different television shows and magazines have called. I kept hanging up. Are you going to have to give a statement?”

Brian shrugged. “I really don’t know. If I can avoid it, I will. I don’t want the world to know our heartache. I don’t want Sienna hurting anymore from people constantly consoling her when she goes back to work. I guess I’ll have to call my manager and find out.”

Johnny ended up calling Brian a few hours later to find out what was going on. None of the other guys had told him anything. Brian related what happened quickly and nearly begged Johnny to make it so that neither Brian nor Sienna would have to reveal what had happened.

“We can arrange something,” Johnny told him. “Just give a statement saying Sienna was ill because of appendicitis. I’ll call the hospital and tell them what’s going on. I’m really sorry, Brian,” he added and hung up.

So, the official statement was that Sienna had had severe appendicitis. If there were still some people that doubted it, they didn’t say anything.

Brian went to see his family later that day, leaving Sienna with Liv and promising her that he’d be back soon.

The instant she opened the door, Jackie asked Brian what had happened with Sienna. She had long since accepted that Sienna was going to be a part of Brian’s life and had warmed to the idea mostly because she did like Sienna.

Brian sat on the couch across from his parents and staring down at his hands, told them what had happened. When he finished, his parents were quiet. He looked up at them and saw his mother dabbing tears from her eyes.

“Oh, Brian, I’m so sorry,” Jackie said. “Poor Sienna, she must be going through hell. My goodness, your child would have been beautiful.”

Brian sighed. “It doesn’t matter now, Mom. It’s gone, and not even the doctors really know why. We figure it was just God’s way of telling us that it wasn’t time for us to have a child yet.”

“Of course not,” Harold said, briskly. “You’re both busy individuals, and you’re not married, either. Do you even know how she feels about you? I’m not saying you don’t deserve a child, kiddo, but I don’t think you’re at the stage in your relationship to have one.”

Brian nodded. “No, I don’t think we are, either.” Though the idea had tremendous appeal to both Sienna and him. “She loves me and I love her, too. I guess it took something like this to make us tell each other how we really feel. I was afraid of getting my heart broken again, and she was afraid I didn’t love her.”

Jackie smiled. “And now you know. How foolish young people are,” she said to Harold. “Tell Sienna we hope she feels better soon, and, if she feels up to it, we can drop by tomorrow to see her.”

Brian nodded and hugged both his parents. On the drive back, he thought again of how lucky a child he and Sienna could have would be. Loving grandparents, family, and, of course, he and Sienna. They would have loved that child, Brian knew. Sighing, he realized that his father was right. They weren’t ready, yet. At least not until they were married. And that, Brian realized, what was he really wanted. He wanted Sienna, needed her, to be his wife. Somehow, he needed her more than he had ever needed Leighanne. He couldn’t imagine life without her and didn’t want to because it was an unnerving idea.

He couldn’t just ask her, now, either, Brian knew. It had taken them both time to tell each other they loved. It would take a little more time to warm up to the idea of marriage. But, he knew that no one else would do anymore.

When he reached her house and she smiled at him when he walked into the room, he knew she was it. The one. The only.

***

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