Chapter 19

He couldn’t sleep, so he watched his children sleep.  They were so peaceful, and it gave him a sense of tranquility, too.  Of course, until his wife was home, he knew there would be no sense of complete happiness for him.  He knew he was imagining her homecoming to be some idyllic fantasy, but the reality was too difficult for him to face.  If she wasn’t somehow traumatized after all this, he would be amazed at her superhuman abilities.  But, she was his wife, and, as strong as he had known her to be, he wasn’t sure if she would escape this unscathed.

“Can’t sleep?”

Brian looked up and found Nick standing in the doorway.  “No, I can’t.  I mean, Regan said that they’re so close to finding them, and I just can’t close my eyes because, if I do, I’m afraid the news will have been a dream.  That she’s still out of my reach somewhere.”

Nick dragged over another rocking chair and sat in it.  “She’s going to be okay, Bri.  No matter what happens, she’s going to make it back here.”

Brian sighed.  “I wish that I could be that positive.  Scott wanted her more than anyone else.  Who knows what he’ll do if he’s cornered.”

Nick reached out a hand and placed it on Brian’s arm.  “Do not think like that.  Don’t think about that because it’s not going to happen. God would not be that cruel.  You believe that don’t you?”

Did he? Brian wondered.  All his life, he’d prayed to God and believed himself blessed in all aspects of his life.  If God were truly as wonderful as he’d always believed, why had He taken his family and put them in harm’s way?  The questions shamed him, but he couldn’t prevent them from circling in the back of his mind.  And now, here was Nick, a guy who believed in God but not to the extent that Brian did, and his faith was stronger than Brian’s was at this point.  There was something wrong with that, Brian thought.  Maybe he really should have more faith.

He looked over at Nick.  “Did I ever tell you how grateful I am that we’re friends?”

“Brian”

Brian cut him off, shaking his head.  “No, really.  You keep me grounded, Nick.  I look at you and everything you’ve had to deal with and think ‘God, I should learn about self-reformation from Nick’.  You and AJ have gone through incredible internal struggles and come out on top.  Nick, I’m proud of you.”

He had to steady himself before he could speak without blubbering.  “You don’t know how much that means to me, Bri.  You’ve always been the older one, the one who was mostly in control and sure of where you were supposed to be in life.  I was the idiot who needed to act out and get arrested before I could figure out who I was.”

“You’re Nick Carter,” Brian reminded him.

“But not just the Backstreet Boy or that singer.  I’m a brother, an honorary uncle, and just a plain guy who’s figured out that he doesn’t have to screw around to get attention.  Hell, I don’t even want the attention anymore.”  Nick shook his head.  “I like who I am, Brian.  Who I am when I’m not fighting with my parents.  I like taking care of Aaron and BJ and the others.  It makes me feel like I’m doing something productive with my life when I take care of them.”

Brian couldn’t help but smile.  “You’ve found you.  I couldn’t be happier about that.  Seriously,” he added at Nick’s incredulous look.  “Kid, you’ve wanted to find who you were since I’ve known you.  You went the sweet heartthrob way, the jackass jailbird way, and the crazy rocker route.  It all brought you back to here.  To you.  You’re exactly who you’re supposed to be, and I love it.  I love you.”

Nick grinned.  “Yeah, I love you, too.  I wish it hadn’t taken me all that time to figure everything out.  I mean, I pissed Kevin off a hell of a lot all those times I got into fights and fucked up.”

“But you ended up here, with us.  Where and who you’re supposed to be.” Brian ruffled his hair.  “But, right now, you’re a dead tired Nick.  Go to bed.”

“You, too,” Nick told him.

Brian glanced back at where his children were sound asleep and then looked at the clock.

“Two A.M.  Yeah, I guess I’ll try to sleep,” Brian muttered, standing and stretching the muscles that were sore after sitting in the same position for hours.

“Hey,” Nick spoke up again as they left the nursery.  “I was wondering.  What do you think of the whole deal with Regan and AJ, and, now, her kid?”

Brian sighed.  “AJ loves her, he’s going to have to accept her kid.  He’s going to have to be able to calmly ask her why she kept her son a secret from him, and then he’s gotta let it go.  I like them together.”

“AJ’s been oozing happiness and goodwill all over the place for the last couple weeks,” Nick thought aloud.  “If she can do that to him then they should be together.”

“For better or worse,” Brian murmured, thinking of his own marriage and how well it worked.

Nick stopped.  “Whoa, wait.  I didn’t say anything about marriage.”

“But you know AJ’s going to think it.  He might already be thinking it,” Brian said.

“Yeah, but, oh damn it! If he gets married, what am I supposed to do?”

Brian grinned.  “At being the only unmarried one of the five of us?  We’ll find you somebody, Nicky.” His grin disappeared.  “Hey, why haven’t you dated anyone in the last couple years? I mean, the last woman you were with was Paris, wasn’t it?”

Nick sighed.  “Yeah, it was.  I don’t know.” He shrugged.  “I just haven’t been interested in anyone after her, I guess.  It’s no big deal.  If I find someone, that’s great.  Women don’t have to be the main focus in life anymore, right?”  He looked to Brian for confirmation.

“No, but it would be nice to see you all settled down, Nick.  Not that it’s not good to see you happy now,” Brian added quickly.  “You know what? It doesn’t matter.  You’re right.  When the right person comes along, it won’t matter what you’ve done to find her in the past. You’re good exactly the way you are.  Go, now.  Go on to bed.” Brian gestured him towards the stairs, down to the den where Nick had taken up residence.

Nick shook his head.  “I’ll see you in the morning, Bri.”

“In the morning,” Brian agreed then turned to head towards his own room, which awaited him.  Empty. Alone.

***

Regan pressed her face into her pillow and fought the urge to scream.  It was four-thirty in the morning, and she had been awake since eight the previous morning.  She’d tried counting sheep, humming to herself, and listening to the steady breathing of her son, who was currently curled up on the bed next to her.  But nothing would help her fall asleep.  It was the sheer adrenaline of knowing she was so close to finishing out a case that kept her up.  Otherwise, she would have followed her son into dreamland hours ago.

Jordan.  Regan propped herself up on one elbow to look down on her son’s peaceful face.  She knew her life had truly begun the day he had been born, nearly nine years earlier.  How she could have contemplated giving him up, she still couldn’t understand to this day, but she was grateful to have him.  He centered her when her life became too crazy for her to understand.  Coming home and seeing his face, sitting down to help him with his homework, and just being both mother and friend to him was her greatest joy in life.  And now, here he was, with her.

Jordan loved all the new people he’d met earlier.  He’d excitedly recounted every virtual battle he’d beaten Nick in and conveniently left out the ones in which Nick had creamed him.  Howie’s spaghetti had taken a number one spot on his list of favorite foods, and Brian’s dogs were the “coolest pets ever”.  Regan smiled, remembering the way he’d told her about how AJ and the other guys were singers and traveled all over the world.  He’d loved AJ’s tattoos, thought them really neat, though not what he’d want for himself at all.  She could tell that AJ and the other men were starting to take role model status in Jordan’s mind and didn’t really mind it because they were good men, all of them.

She tried not to think of AJ.  Of the other man who had become so precious to her so quickly.  But, she’d hurt him, and he’d lashed back. She understood why, but it stung no less.  The case would be over soon.  She could feel it instinctively, as she often felt when she was near to closing others.  Perhaps it was best that she’d managed to sever their relationship before distance and circumstance had done it for her.  Regan knew he cared for her, maybe even loved her.  That thought filled her with such longing, and she wanted to cry.  She wouldn’t, though.  She’d shed enough tears, and she wouldn’t cry now.  Maybe sometime later.  When enough time had passed for her to be able to look back on what she knew was a turning point in her life.

He’d taught her to love, to open her heart.  He’d proved that she had a heart that could be opened to love.  Years ago, Jordan’s father—no sperm donor, Regan corrected herself—had destroyed her.  Now, she knew that she had rebuilt, recovered, and could be complete. She didn’t have to be afraid or ashamed, and she would always, always be grateful to AJ for that.

Turning back to look at the clock, she figured it would be better if she simply got out of bed now.  She was set to leave Lexington at eight that morning, just over three hours from now.  There was no point in her pretending to sleep when she knew she would soon have too much adrenaline running through her to feel exhausted.  When all this was done, she would take her son home and crash for three days.

Looking down at Jordan again, she brushed a kiss on his forehead and slid out of bed.

Half an hour later, she paced the office.  Everything she’d need was packed.  Her notes, the warrants that had been faxed to her the night before, and her gun—the piece that AJ had criticized her for.  No, she reminded herself, she would not think of him now.  If she did, it would break her concentration, her focus, and at such a crucial point in her work, she couldn’t afford to be distracted.

Knowing there was nothing more she could do, she walked back through Brian’s home and through the sunroom, the initial crime scene. There was no longer caution tape over the doorway, the glass had long since been repaired, and she could see the first hints of sunrise at the horizon.  Pushing open the door, she stepped out and onto the pebbled walkway that wound its way through a garden beginning to bloom.

As she followed the path, it led her through gardens she knew Sienna would tend to once she was home.  She could see the beauty that the beds of flowers would soon exude.  Tulips had already sprung up and, though closed now, they’d open in the sunlight.  Soon, the gardens opened up to a large, free form pool, which was currently empty.  She noted a small waterfall and a built-in hot tub set a few feet from the pool on higher ground.  Shrubbery and more flowerbeds surrounded the pool.  Beyond this area, the path led to a fork.  One way led towards a large greenhouse while the other led out towards the rest of the property, out towards the grove of trees that sheltered the rest of the backyard and shielded from sight the gate that Scott had driven through to capture his victims.

Regan pushed thoughts of the investigation to the back of her mind.  She needed to put it aside for a few minutes before she dove into it. Today was going to be an important day, but she needed to be mentally prepared for it.  From previous experience, she knew that if she didn’t give herself a break from it, it would slowly eat her up inside until, when the case was over, she couldn’t function.  So, she would not do that to herself this time.  Especially because once this case was over, she would have to deal with leaving AJ behind, too.

When she turned to look back at the house, dark except for the trail of lights she had left on in the first floor, she could see a figure standing on the back steps, watching her.  Without seeing his face, she knew it was AJ.  She watched as he came down the steps and followed the same path she had until he reached her.  Not knowing what to say, she spoke the first words that came to mind.

“It’s early for you to be up, isn’t it?”

AJ shrugged and zipped up the hooded sweatshirt he wore along with ragged sweatpants.  “I couldn’t sleep.  I heard you come out here, so I thought I’d see what you were up to.”

“Well, now you know.  I was just taking a walk, waiting for the sun to come up.”

He looked past her shoulder at the horizon.  “There’s still some time until that happens.  When do you leave?”

She sighed.  Of course, he was angry, he wanted her gone.  Unable to meet his eyes, she began to walk further out on the path.  “Eight o’clock.  I have a flight at nine.”

“Cutting it close, aren’t you?”

She shrugged.  “It’ll be fine.” Knowing he was following her, she stopped and turned to face him.  “Look, you should just go on back in and go back to sleep.  I’ll be fine.”

He watched her for long moments.  Then, letting out a frustrated breath, he shook his head and turned back towards the house.  After taking five steps, he stopped and came back towards her.  She couldn’t see his eyes in the dawn light and wished she could.

“I want to clear the air,” he said finally.  “I said some ugly things to you.  Things I didn’t mean.  You’re a great mom, and it’s apparent from the way your kid adores you and the way he’s so well-adjusted.” He paused.  “I shouldn’t have said that whole bit about your ability to handle a gun.  It’s part of your job, and it was logical for you to have explained it to Jordan in case he ever saw you use it.  I’m sorry.”

She managed a tight smile.  “It’s okay.  You were angry because I hadn’t told you about Jordan.”

“Why didn’t you?”

There was no anger in his tone, just bafflement.  She tried to pick and choose her words carefully and couldn’t look at him.

“I was afraid that you would see me differently if I did.  What’s between us was so new, and I didn’t want to mar it by throwing my kid into the mix.  I didn’t want you to walk out because you couldn’t handle it.”

“Handle what? The fact that you have a kid?  Regan, it just makes me see you as more, so much more than just a kickass FBI agent. You’re a mom, raising your kid on your own.  That makes you so much more attractive in my book.  I admire you for doing such a great job, which you can see in how amazing Jordan is.  My mother raised me on her own, too.  How could I not admire you for doing what my mother did?”

She hadn’t thought of it that way up until this moment.  “But you were angry with me,” she reminded him.  “If you admired it, why were you so pissed off?  Because I lied,” she answered herself.

AJ shook his head.  “Damn it, Regan.  Why can’t you give me a little credit? There I was, saying hi to your mom—Christ, your mother. And, all of a sudden, in walks this kid who’s got your eyes, nose, and mouth, and I was stunned.  You have a child, this new piece to the puzzle when I hadn’t even finished putting together what I already knew of you, and there’s your son.  Anger was the easiest of emotions to feel.  You hadn’t told me about your son, so what was I to think? I’d shared all of me with you, but you couldn’t give me the most important piece of you.”

Regan felt ashamed.  He was right.  He’d given himself to her fully, but she hadn’t been able to trust him with her son.  She had been wrong to think he wouldn’t understand her.  He understood better than most other people who knew of her child.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.  “So sorry.  You’re right.  I didn’t trust you the way I should have.  I hope, one day, you can forgive me for it.” She looked back up at him.  “The last month was incredible, AJ.  I want to thank you for that, and I’m sorry that I ruined it all.”

He shook his head, confused.  “What the hell is going on?  Are you breaking things off with me?”

Now she was confused, too.  “I—well, I just thought, you know, that you were angry with me.  That you didn’t want to be with me anymore.”

AJ took her hands.  “You’re wrong.” He laid his lips on hers gently.  Regan closed her eyes and felt the relief and little sparkles of excitement his kiss kindled in her blood.  “Does that feel like I’m breaking things off with you?” he asked, leaning back enough to see the dazed smoke of her eyes.

She managed to shake her head.  “No, I…AJ, you make my head spin.”

He grinned.  “Good.” He cupped the back of her neck and brought her lips back to his, feeling his blood heat and race from having her in his arms.  No other woman, AJ thought, no other woman had made him feel quite like this before.  He’d never felt as though he couldn’t breathe when she was near, as though, each time he saw her, he needed to grab onto her and sink into her warmth.  Only Regan. Always Regan.

Opposites attract, chemicals react

But when I look at you

Deserts need the rain

Fires feed the flames

Can’t deny what’s true

“AJ.” Regan pulled back far enough to catch her breath and look into his eyes.  “I can’t wait.  I need you,” she murmured, dragging his mouth back to hers.

“Then we won’t,” he whispered against her mouth and yanked her jacket down her arms as she slid the zipper for his sweatshirt down.

Can’t help the way I feel

Cause you got me

All these elements are real

They come from deep within me

His fingers fumbled as he tried to unbutton her blouse, and he swore, making her laugh.

“Christ, why the hell do you have so many buttons on this shirt?”

She pushed aside his hands and unbuttoned it herself, shrugging out of it.  In the dim light, he could make out the goosebumps that rose on her skin and pulled her close to him.

“You’re cold, baby,” he murmured as her lips traveled over his shoulder.

“No, I’m not.  Not with you here.” Her lips returned to his as his hands roamed over her, unhooking her bra and tossing it to the ground alongside the rest of their clothing.

Unable to wait, he lowered her to the grass.  She could feel it tickle her bare back and arched up to meet his lips.

We don’t have no walls

Beauty of it all

Is waiting in your eyes

Breathing on my skin

Just let me take it in

Under an open sky

His hands were everywhere, and she could feel the pressure building within her.  When his mouth roamed over her, following the path his hands had taken, she could only clutch the grass in her hands to keep from floating off the ground.  She could see the stars, the ones in the sky and the ones in her head when his fingers shot her over the edge.

Surprised, she arched up and, gasping, called out his name.  The pleasure of it ran through his blood and had him driving her to peak again.  Knowing he wouldn’t be able to hold on much longer, he cupped her face in his hands and locked eyes with her clouded ones.  He saw the shock, the pleasure in them when he plunged into her.  He could feel her muscles go limp but dragged her with him.  The need for her, for Regan was a primal beat in his blood—one he knew would die when he did.  As the first rays of sunlight bathed them in golden waves, he crushed his lips to hers again and whispered the words that had been caged up in him too long.

“I love you.”

I would move heaven and earth

For this fire, for this ocean

I’d fight for you

Let this emotional wind take us higher

Where there’s nothing we can’t do

I love you

This power is greater than

The forces of nature

***

AJ couldn’t help but whistle as he walked down the hall towards the kitchen.  Five hours earlier, he’d made love to Regan outside, on Brian’s lawn, as the sun had risen.  Later, he’d pulled her close to him and watched the world come to life around them.  She hadn’t mentioned or acknowledged the fact that he’d declared his love to her.  Of course, he’d picked a ridiculous time to say it, but the words had popped out before he’d thought he’d been ready to say them.

In order to cover up for it, he’d asked her about Jordan’s father.

“Why do you want to know?” Regan wondered.  “It was a long time ago, and he obviously doesn’t matter.”

AJ shrugged and rubbed a hand over the goosebumps trailing down her arm.  “I just want to know if he’s important to Jordan or not.”

Regan shook her head.  “He doesn’t matter.  He’s not important.  We consider him a sperm donor, and Jordan is happy without a father.”

“You think I won’t understand,” AJ murmured.  “But I do.  I never knew my dad, and he doesn’t exist for me, either.  I can understand exactly how that works.  It’s enough to just have a mother who loves you.  You and Jordan are lucky to have each other.”

She kissed him.  “Thank you,” she whispered.  “For caring, for understanding, and accepting this.”

“Always, babe.”

She’d left Jordan behind, and AJ had figured it was time to find the eight year old.  He wanted to know Jordan, to care about him as much as he did the child’s mother.  Besides, there was no one for Jordan to hang out with while Nick and Brian were gone.  Brian had been unable to sit around the house, and he and Nick had taken the twins and Luke to a park for fresh air.  Meanwhile, Denise had come over to make lunch and just be around in case anyone needed anything.  AJ knew she was in the kitchen and headed in that direction.

As he hurried past the den, a voice stopped him.

“AJ?”

He turned to look into the room and found Jordan sprawled across the floor with a pile of papers and a pencil.  He sat up when AJ stepped into the room and smiled a little.

“Hey, kid,” AJ sat down next to him.  “What’s going on?”

Jordan gestured to the papers in front of him.  “I gotta do all this work because I’m here and not in school.  I ditched the English stuff because I don’t want to read the stories.  But I really don’t like math either.”

“Math, huh? Let’s see what you’ve got.” He reached for the paper Jordan had been working on.

“It’s multiplication tables,” Jordan explained.

AJ nodded.  He’d liked math in school.  Until he’d gotten to algebra, anyway.  Even then, though, he’d been good at it.  Now, he frowned at the multiplication problems and could hear his third grade teacher’s voice in his head.

“Do you know how to do these problems?” AJ asked him.

Jordan shook his head.  “I know how to do the easy stuff.  But this is the long multiplication.”

“Like carrying over to the next column and all?” AJ prompted him and earned a nod and smile from Jordan.  “So, you don’t know how to do the carrying over stuff?”

Jordan nodded again.  “I thought I did, but it doesn’t make sense when I do the problem.  Do you multiply with the carried over number or what?”

AJ got comfortable.  “Well, first of all, you have to multiply the first column the right way.  Then, when you carry the tens place number over, you…”

When Denise walked past the den looking for her son, she stopped, hearing the giggles of a young boy and the deeper chuckles of her own son.  She poked her head into the den and found AJ and a younger boy with their heads bent low over a sheet of paper.  AJ seemed to be explaining something to him, and the child was nodding as though AJ’s words were the words of God.

“AJ?” Denise stepped into the room and was met with two pairs of eyes—one deep brown and the other a smoky hue.  She knew then whose child she was about to meet.

AJ smiled up at his mother.  “Hey, Mom.  I want you to meet someone.” His arm draped around the boy’s shoulders, and Denise watched as the child leaned against her son’s arm.  They looked right together, she couldn’t help but think and smiled at Jordan.

“Mom, this is Jordan Daniels.  Regan’s son.  Jordan, this is my amazing mom.” AJ introduced them.

Jordan smiled tentatively.  “Hi, it’s nice to meet you,” he greeted her politely.

Denise couldn’t help but smile again.  “It’s nice to meet you, too, Jordan.  You look a lot like your mom,” she added and watched the grin bloom on his face.

“Thanks! Everyone says that,” he said proudly.

“Everyone is right,” Denise assured him.  She looked from AJ to Jordan and back again, her heart doing a happy dance.  She looked at Jordan again.  “I was just on my way to find someone who could help me bake chocolate chip cookies.  AJ usually likes to, but I was wondering if you could help me out, too.”

Jordan jumped up.  “Okay! I make them with Gran and Aunt Callie all the time! I’d like to help you, please,” he added, remembering the manners his mother had drummed into him.

Oh you precious, precious child, Denise thought.  Her heart already belonged to him as she knew AJ’s did.  “Of course, you can help me. I’d be honored,” she added.

AJ stood.  “I hope I can still help, too.”

Jordan grabbed his hand.  “Yes, yes! We can make it a big project! Let’s do it together!”

He looked eagerly between the two adults, making them smile.  “Let’s go bake cookies, then,” Denise said and led them out and into the kitchen.

***

While her son baked cookies, Regan sat in a Charleston police station and ticked off the Lawrence properties that had turned up clean. Lexington, Los Angeles, and Boston were empty.  As was the one in Charleston, Regan thought, remembering her own exploration of the estate an hour before.  There hadn’t been a sign of anyone in the home, but she was nearly positive Scott had spent time here on his way south.  One of the phone calls had come from this city, and, after finding a stuffed animal in a corner of the kitchen, she was certain they’d spent at least one day in that home.

“Well, Agent Daniels, I suppose this means you’re headed south,” Police Chief Greg Harris spoke from the doorway of the office he’d loaned her for a few hours.

Regan sighed.  “If they’re not in Daytona, I’m back to square one.  But I’m almost positive that’s where I’ll find Thompson and Mrs. Littrell.”

Harris nodded.  “Good luck, then.  It was a pleasure helping you.”

“Thank you.” Regan stood and gathered her papers.  “If I ever have a case in this city, I’ll be sure to enlist your help.”

“Any time,” he agreed and watched her leave.

Lyrics from “Forces of Nature” by Backstreet Boys

***

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