Chapter 23

AJ was ready to swear down the roof of the airplane. He was impatient to get off the plane and get back to Brian’s home to see Regan, to convince her that they could still be together even though the investigation was finished. He was sure it wouldn’t be that difficult because he loved her and Jordan and was willing to spend as much time as possible in Washington, DC with them. Heck, he thought, he’d move there if that’s what it took to keep her in his life. He absolutely could not lose her. Not now that he’d finally found the person he’d waited for his whole life.

Unfortunately, he was still stuck on the passenger jet, which was standing on the runway at the Lexington airport. There was no open gate to pull into, and they needed to wait for one. As his impatience grew, he tried to think of the past three days in New York. Jive had wanted him to hand over an outrageous amount of his royalties to them, but, after much negotiation, he’d gotten his way. They’d also scheduled the photo shoot for his album, and AJ had finally been able to escape the tediousness of it all to get back to where he wanted to be.

When the jet began to move, he suppressed the urge to jump up and dance. He was getting closer to his dream, and he considered the movement towards the terminal symbolic of his life. When they’d finally disembarked, AJ nearly ran towards baggage claim and, grabbing his small bag, burst out the doors, nearly running his mother over.

“Alex, honey!” Denise steadied herself. “Goodness, where’s the fire!”

AJ grinned and threw his arms around her. “Sorry, Ma. I just wanted to get the quickest cab back to Brian’s. I didn’t think anybody would be here to pick me up. Besides,” he stepped back, “I thought you’d be back in Florida by now.”

Denise shook her head. “I was just waiting for you to get back. I couldn’t leave without seeing my son, now could I?”

They began walking towards the parking garage, and AJ pulled his hat lower and his collar higher so no one would recognize him. Since he’d realized wearing sunglasses made him more recognizable, he’d quit wearing them as part of the disguise.

“So, how are Si and Brian doing? Does he know what really happened, yet?” AJ wondered.

Denise shook her head as she opened the car door. “Yes, I think he knows. I don’t know how they’re going to get past this, but I think they can do it. If ever there was a couple more devoted to each other than those two, I haven’t seen it yet.”

AJ had to smile. Yeah, Brian and Sienna were definitely made for each other and would make it through this obstacle, too. He slid into the car. “I wish I could turn back time and make sure that I didn’t leave the room when I was with Si and her kids that day. They would have been okay then.”

His mother turned to him and cupped his face. “Honey, I think everyone’s told you this a million times, but it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t Brian’s fault or Sienna’s fault, either. All the blame belongs to Scott. He chose to hurt an innocent family, and I hope he’s burning in hell at this moment.”

AJ blinked at the vehemence in his mother’s voice. It wasn’t often he heard it because she only used it when she was really angry. He grinned. “Okay, Ma. It wasn’t my fault, and I’m going to really try to get over the guilt complex. I promise.”

“Good,” she smiled and turned onto the highway.

When they pulled up to the Littrell home, she turned to him again. “Do you want me to wait for you to get your things or are you planning on spending another day or so with Brian and Sienna?”

AJ shook his head. “Nah, I just need to get my stuff and talk to Regan and Jordan.” When Denise’s smile disappeared, he frowned. “What? What’s wrong?”

Denise sighed. “I’m sorry, hon, but Regan and Jordan are gone. They left the day before yesterday.” When his face fell, she reached out and squeezed his hand. “She left you something, though.” Handing him the envelope, Denise watched as he pulled it open and read.

Dear Alex,

You’re probably going to be angry to know that I’m going home. The case is done, Sienna’s home, and I’ve done all I needed to do here. Besides, Jordan needed to get back to school. I know it’s not fair leaving when you’re still gone, but I needed to leave. The last month was something out of a dream, and I’ll never forget it. Just as I’ll never forget that you told me you loved me.

I’m not overlooking or dismissing your feelings, but we’ve only known each other during a very hectic and stressful month. Everyone was an emotional mess, and we reached out to each other to get through it—which is a very common thing in such cases. Usually, though, when everything settles down, people end up regretting rushing into things. AJ, I don’t want us to be something we regret, so I want to leave on a good note—with no anger, no recriminations. You’ve made me feel alive again, and, for that, I will be forever grateful.

You once asked me what my favorite movie was. “Shakespeare in Love” would be my answer. In the end, both lovers chose duty over desire because they knew that life is often unfair and love isn’t always enough. We’re in that boat, too. I know you’ll be angry when you read this, but I hope you’ll understand.

I wish you the best of luck in everything because you deserve it. One day, I hope you’ll be able to forgive me for leaving you like this. There’s someone out there for you, someone who’ll be able to love you the way I can’t. Find her and don’t let her go.

Always,

Regan

“Understand?! What the hell am I supposed to understand and accept about the fact that she’s gone? That she wasn’t willing to stick it out and see if it worked?”

AJ paced the kitchen while Sienna sat at the kitchen table and Brian leaned against the counter, ten yards separating them. They watched as AJ vented his frustration and knew that there really wasn’t anything they could do. When his worried gaze met Sienna’s, she shrugged at Brian and realized it was the first time they’d made eye contact in three days, while she’d been home only four days.

“AJ,” Sienna began, her quiet tone cutting through his edginess. “I think she was trying to spare you any future failure. She might be right about the whole emotional factor. Things happen you can’t predict, and even the strongest of relationships doesn’t always survive.”

She avoided Brian’s questioning gaze. After all, the man she loved had been avoiding her whenever possible, and she was nearly certain he’d given up on their marriage. That he was disgusted by the fact that Scott had put his hands on her and didn’t know what to do with her now. She tried to push those thoughts out of her mind and focused on AJ.

He shook his head. “No, absolutely not! I refuse to believe that we wouldn’t have worked out in the long run. Damn it, I love her! But what does she say to that? Some crap about duty over desire and love not being enough. She didn’t give us a chance to find out if we might have made it, or if our love could have lasted!” He stopped then and snatched up the letter again.

“Maybe she’s just afraid to let go,” Brian suggested. “Love’s not easy, either.”

“Afraid?! She killed Scott when he was aiming for Sienna, but she can’t face a relationship?” AJ wondered incredulously.

Sienna shook her head. “AJ, that’s not what happened. Scott wasn’t aiming for me, he had it on her. She was hit, too. I thought she told you.”

The color drained out of his face, and he dropped into a chair. “No, she didn’t tell me. She was hit?! But she seemed okay that day.”

“They dug out the bullet in the house, but she had to get stitched up here after taking my statement. I don’t think she wanted to worry you. Most people want to spare their loved ones from pain, you know.” Sienna watched him carefully.

Loved ones? Was it possible that she was in love with him, too? AJ scanned the letter again, trying to find an indication of the emotion.

“Oh, man, oh, Jesus,” he murmured.

Brian went to his side. “What’s going on? What happened?”

AJ looked up at him and over at Sienna. “She never told me that she loved me, but she wrote that love might not be enough. Does that mean—does she, God, do you think she’s in love with me, too?”

Sienna opened her mouth, but Brian spoke instead. “I think it’s very possible that she loves you. When I told her that she should stay and that the two of you should figure out what was going on, she looked sad and said that she had to go because she couldn’t hang onto something that might fade when the drama’s over. She said something about it being not because she didn’t love you but because you two have only known each other a month.”

“So she loves me?” He clung desperately to that hope like a man hanging onto a lifesaver.

Sienna nodded. “It’s probable. She said she didn’t fully get over what happened with Jordan’s father until you.” She watched AJ pale then smile a little. “What do you really want, AJ? More than anything?”

“Regan and Jordan,” he answered without hesitation. “I can see my life with them years down the line, but I’m terrified to think of it without them. How crazy is it that love can do that to you?”

Sienna smiled, too. “It’s love. It’s supposed to be crazy.” She paused. “If you want them that badly, then go after them. Don’t let what she said stop you because she’s scared of giving in and losing everything. Go after them.”

“Brian?”

Brian nodded, unable to look at Sienna. Was she pulling away from him? Was she ready for them to be over? What had she meant by the strongest relationships not working? He shook those thoughts off and looked at AJ.

“When you love someone, you have to do everything possible to hold onto them. So, yeah, I agree. Go get her, buddy.”

AJ grinned, ideas of how to do so racing in his mind. “I think I will.”

***

Sienna sat in a rocking chair in the nursery. Luke had fallen asleep an hour before, but she continued to cradle him. Her mind was full of doubts—all directed at her marriage. Was it crumbling? Had her own fear of being touched and Brian’s reaction to the news of Scott violating her destroyed their marriage? She didn’t know and was afraid to ask Brian. Terrified that his answer would be yes.

“You’re going to have to talk to him eventually. Tell him how you feel, too. He loves you, and he’s going to be able to help you through this. If you don’t tell him, you’re going to drift apart.”

Regan’s words echoed in the darkness, and Sienna sighed. It didn’t require a psychiatrist to tell her she was hedging, waiting for him to come talk to her. And if he didn’t, maybe, by the time she got around to reaching out to him, it would be too late.

No! Sienna stood and placed Luke in his crib. She would not let Scott destroy what she and Brian had spent so much time, care, and love building. Her marriage was not going to be wrecked, and she was going to make sure of it.

Checking on the twins, she made sure they were sleeping then went to find Brian. He hadn’t been sleeping in their bedroom but in a guestroom down the hall. The door was ajar, and she could see that the lights were still on. She knocked lightly then pushed the door open.

Brian looked up from the papers he was studying and watched Sienna step into the room and look at him warily. Giving her a small smile, he set the papers aside on the bed next to him and slid his reading glasses off.

“Hey.”

Sienna moved to sit in an armchair in the corner of the room, afraid to get near the bed. “Hi.”

This was good, Brian thought. If this was all they could say to each other after five years together, then he was terrified that they really were going to fall apart.

“Are the kids sleeping?”

“Yeah, for a while now.” She smiled, thinking of how lucky they’d been in having three babies who fell asleep easily.

“Good. That’s good.” He wondered why she’d come to seek him out. He wasn’t in their bedroom because he wanted to give her that space, but

“Brian? Can I ask you a question?” Her voice cut through his thoughts.

“Yeah, of course.”

She twisted the wedding ring she wore on her finger, a sign that she was nervous, Brian knew and wondered what was to come.

“I—you’ve been avoiding me for the past couple days. I mean, you don’t stay in a room too long when I’m there, and you haven’t been into our room since I came home,” she rushed to get the words out, afraid she’d lose her courage. Her eyes finally met his. “Why? Are you disgusted by the fact that Scott—that he…”

“That he hurt you in the most horrible way possible?” Brian finished for her. He moved until he sat at the edge of the bed closest to her. But not too close, he reminded himself. “I’m not disgusted with you, baby, I want Scott to be alive so I can rip him to pieces for touching you. For putting those bruises on you, for making you afraid to be near me.” She looked down at her hands as he watched her. “Sienna, you know I love you more than anything. It hurts to know you suffered so badly and that I can’t be with you to help you get past the fear. But if you want me to leave”

Her head whipped up. “Leave? Why would I want you to leave? I need you here, Brian. I know I can’t get close to you, right now. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want you here. I thought you didn’t want to be with me anymore,” she whispered.

“Oh, Jesus,” he murmured. “Sienna, I want to be here, need to be here. It doesn’t matter that you need space, just as long as you don’t leave me. As long as we don’t give up on us, we can make it through this.”

“No matter how long it takes?”

He shook his head. “I love you, and I promise I’ll wait and stand by you as long as it takes. Whether it takes months or years. As long as you want me here,” he added, hoping she still did.

He didn’t want to leave, he wasn’t disgusted, he loved her. The thoughts swirled through her mind, relief chasing them all. Why had she ever been stupid enough to think he would want to leave her after all they’d been through and all they meant to each other?

Smiling, Sienna looked up at Brian. “I want you here, and I’m glad, so glad that you’re not turned off by everything.”

Brian shook his head. “I couldn’t be turned off by anything,” he promised. “Whatever you need, I’ll be here. I guess Regan was right when she said we just needed to talk it out. I was afraid you wanted to go, and you were afraid I wanted out. God, we couldn’t have been more wrong.”

“I love you, Brian,” she told him.

His heart doing a happy dance, he smiled. “I love you, Sienna.”

***

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