Chapter 24

She had to fight for breath as fear clogged her throat. Too many images, too much pain. It seemed to assail her the more she delved into it. Her insides felt as though they were being ripped apart again, and she knew she’d rather die than go through this repeatedly. Squeezing her eyes shut, Sienna wrapped her arms around herself and rested her head between her knees and took the deep breaths the therapist advised.

After a few minutes, the pressure in her chest eased, and she was able to sit up again. She looked up at Dr. Lewis through eyes brimming with tears. I will not cry, I will not waste my tears, Sienna repeated in her mind, trying desperately to hold them back.

“I know this is difficult, Sienna,” Dr. Lewis spoke gently. “This is, however, the only road to recovery. You need to be able to face what happened to you and know that it wasn’t your fault. That there’s nothing for you to be afraid of any longer.”

Sienna took another slow, deep breath. “I know,” she said finally. “I know it’s not my fault that this happened. I told him I’d do anything so long as my children were safe, but it was his fault that the—the rest happened. I just…I just want to stop being afraid and be comfortable around the men in my life.”

The doctor nodded. “Of course, you do. It’s understandable that you’d be leery of men at this point. It’s only been three weeks since your return, and this is the third time we’ve met. However, I have to tell you that you’re at a much better place in your recovery process than many women that come in here. Often, women believe it didn’t happen, they try to block it out, and they don’t want to talk about it.” She paused. “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but you are. This pushes your recovery along far more quickly.”

“How long will it take? Like you said, I’ve already been home three weeks, and, apart from physically feeling better, I can’t get past these nightmares,” Sienna sighed. “I’m afraid to sleep because I don’t want to see it, feel it again.”

“Again, that’s understandable. Do you think you can tell me about the last time you had a nightmare?”

Sienna lifted her gaze from her hands to the doctor’s kind eyes. Dr. Lewis was a relatively young psychologist, who had been nothing but kind and supportive during the visits, although she was firm when it came to enabling Sienna to speak about her experience. She was glad that Liv had helped her find a doctor she could trust, and Dr. Lewis with her kind eyes was perfect.

However, Sienna also knew that it would not be up to the doctor to help her resolve her emotional and mental turmoil without knowing everything that was going on. Sienna had to give her details of the events that continued to affect her recovery, her journey back to normal life.

Now, she concentrated on the compassion she found in blue eyes and made herself speak of the incident just the night before.

There was no point in running, not when the door was locked, and Scott was approaching her, the vicious gleam apparent even more so this time. Why didn’t he just kill her if he despised her so much to degrade her day after day, Sienna often found herself wondering. God knew, death would be a welcome relief from the constant pain.

Before she could draw another breath, he’d grabbed her by the shoulders and shoved her to the ground. Though she struggled, lashing out with arms and legs, the blinding agony, the searing pain came anyway.

Sienna woke, gasping for air and unable to move. Panicking and thinking that she was still trapped, that somehow he was back, she tried to suppress the screams. When she realized that she was no longer trapped by Scott but by the blankets tangled around her legs, the relief coursing through her helped her heart rate level.

It’s done, it’s over. He’s dead and can’t hurt you anymore, she kept reminding herself, trying to believe it. To fight off the dark, she reached over and slapped on the bedside lamp. The room was bathed in golden light, and Sienna began to relax amidst the familiar surroundings of the room.

When the door burst open, her heart bounded into her throat as Brian hurried in.

“What happened? Are you okay? Was it another nightmare?” he asked anxiously and, not thinking, went to put his arms around her.

Sienna shrank back and pulled the blankets around her like a shield. Brian straightened and took a step back from the bed, the motion sending an ache through her. She didn’t want him to back away but couldn’t bear him too close. She could see her pain reflected in the clouded blue depths of his eyes and hated herself for hurting him.

“Yeah,” she managed to speak through the misery that filled her. “It was another nightmare.”

Brian sighed, and she watched his fists clench, unclench. She knew he wanted to fight them off for her, but her personal demons were her own to battle.

“Do you need anything? Water?” he asked finally.

She shook her head. “No, nothing.” She sighed. “Brian, I’m okay. I’ll be okay. You should go back to bed.”

“You’re not okay,” he whispered. “Not if you’re still having nightmares.” He turned to face the window, but she could see the stiffness in his features. “I hate that you keep having them, that I can’t do something to fix them.”

She wanted to reach out to him, to tell him she would be okay—eventually. But the same fears kept her from keeping him close. “Please don’t, Brian. Please don’t think that you’re not doing anything to help because you are.” She waited until he turned back to face her. “I love you, and that’s going to get me through this.”

He ran a hand wearily over his face. “God, Sienna. I love you, too. I love you so much, and it kills me to see you suffering. To not be able to protect you from the past.”

“Brian, you give me the strength to get through this. Knowing that you’re there to help me through this is enough. Please believe that.”

His eyes met hers. “Okay. All right, then.” He sighed. “I guess I’ll go, let you rest. If you need anything…”

“I know, I’ll call for you,” she promised. “Go to sleep, Brian. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

But for how long would that love last? Sienna wondered as she watched him go. How much would he handle, how long would he wait before it became too much, too long? Before he needed to get out?

“That’s taking a step backwards, Sienna,” Dr. Lewis broke through then. “Your husband loves you, and you shouldn’t think he’ll walk out because you can’t give him something. From what you’ve told me, he is supporting you and is available to take care of you in any way that he can. That doesn’t sound like a man who will leave—and you should dispel those doubts of yours, too.”

Sienna nodded. Of course, the doctor was right. Brian had shoved his own life on a backburner to be around to take care of her. Knowing he couldn’t hold her, he’d taken steps to help her be more comfortable by doing little things that would help her relax. They would take the kids for walks, and he’d helped her weed their gardens that had been neglected during her absence. At night, he’d sometimes pop a movie in and make her popcorn. Though he wouldn’t sit next to her, he’d still be close enough so she would know that he was always there should she ever need anything.

Ashamed at her own doubts, Sienna made a mental note to be better and do something for him, too. She looked up at the doctor again.

“You’re right. I think my mind is so scrambled, and it makes me think of the worst possible scenarios. Brian,” she thought of him with a smile, “wouldn’t leave. Not in a million years. I’m sorry I even doubted it for a moment.”

Dr. Lewis placed a hand on Sienna’s arm lightly. “Have you told him what happened? Have you been able to tell him what you’ve told Agent Daniels and myself?” When Sienna shook her head, the doctor sighed. “Perhaps, the next time, you should bring him with you. I think he needs to hear it, Sienna. It’s going to help both of you to know that the other fully understands the extent of the experience.”

Sienna sighed. “I’ll ask him, and he’ll probably come. He’ll do just about anything as long as it helps me.”

She tried not to think that she would be too terrified to repeat the horrors aloud in front of him because she was afraid, once he knew the full story, it would hurt him too deeply. It already hurt him to know she had nightmares. How would he react once he knew everything?

“Good,” Dr. Lewis smiled. “I think that’s all we’ll do today. I can’t promise the nightmares won’t return, but I can promise you that, once you are able to fully accept what happened, they will gradually disappear.” She patted Sienna’s hand. “We’ll make an appointment for a few days from now and you’ll bring Brian.”

Sienna stood. “Thank you. I think it helps to feel the pain again because it isn’t as bad as it once was.”

“That’s progress then,” the doctor replied with a smile. “I’ll see you in a few days.”

***

I feel these four walls closing in

Face up against the glass

I’m looking out

Is this my life I’m wonderin’

It happened so fast

How do I turn this thing around?

Is this the bed I chose to make?

There’s greener pastures

I’m thinkin’ about

Wide-open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair

To face the fear but not feel scared

Sienna walked into her shop, the haven she’d created for herself and stood absorbing the feel of it for a moment. She’d created this place seven years ago out of her love for flowers and her desire to share them with others. In that time, it had become a huge success and business boomed. Now it doubled as a florist and a mini greenhouse where customers could buy flowers and herbs to plant in their own flowerbeds, and she couldn’t be more proud of it.

In her absence, Marlena had run the shop perfectly, and Sienna hadn’t had to worry about sales declining because, due to curiosity over her kidnapping, more people had come into the shop. Now, during the busiest season when everyone needed flowers to plant in their gardens, the shop had a steady flow of customers.

Brian hadn’t wanted her to return to work so soon after the ordeal, she remembered. He’d gently, but firmly insisted that she needed to give herself time. When she’d remained adamant about returning, convinced that it would steady her, he’d backed off. She knew he’d let her go because he didn’t want to frighten her by arguing over it, and she hated that it had come to the point where he treated her like fragile porcelain. Deep down, she wanted their relationship back to the way it had been where they were friends, lovers and could argue easily and make up just as easily. Emotionally, she couldn’t return to that because she knew she’d flinch during an argument if either of them yelled at the other. The yelling reminded her too much of Scott, and she knew that Brian would automatically concede any argument to her if he thought he’d hurt her.

“Sienna?”

Sienna turned to face Marlena, who was watching her with concern clearly etched across her features. She walked to where Marlena stood behind the register.

“Hey.” Sienna smiled. “Sorry, I guess I just spaced out there for a minute.”

“Don’t worry, it’s not like I’ve never done that before.” Marlena grinned. “So, how was the session?”

Sienna’s smile disappeared. “It’s hard to go through it again and again, but I really think it might be helping. Dr. Lewis thinks I’m recovering quickly. Which is good because then I won’t have to keep putting up barriers between myself and the men I love.”

Marlena frowned. “Si, who are you recovering for? Yourself or Brian and your family?”

“What do you mean?”

Marlena opened her mouth but was interrupted by a woman asking about gerbera daisies. When she’d taken care of the customer’s concerns, Marlena turned back to Sienna.

“I meant, why do you want to get past this? Is it so that you won’t have those nightmares anymore and can get on with living your life or so you can give your husband, Shane, and your uncles the comfort of being able to be around you again?”

Sienna opened her mouth to say something then stopped. Her brow furrowed and her face turned thoughtful.

“I don’t know,” she said after several long moments. “I really don’t. I don’t want the men that love me to feel as though they need to be extra careful, and I want Brian to be able to comfort himself by being able to comfort me…”

“That’s not recovering for yourself, Si,” Marlena broke in. She placed a hand on Sienna’s arm, forcing Sienna to look at her. “Listen to me, I’ve never had to deal with what you’ve gone through, but you have to do this for yourself. Don’t rush yourself to get over this so you can please other people. They'll love you no matter what, and they’ll be happier if you truly heal, instead of just doing it for them.”

Sienna sighed. “I know, I know that. It’s just hard to see Shane and Brian look so hurt when I can’t hug them and freak out when they’re too close. I hate that I’m the cause of that pain.”

Marlena shook her head. “Brian loves you and would rather you heal. He knows how to deal with his own pain and put it aside to be what you need. You’re the most important person for him right now. As for Shane,” Marlena smiled a little. “He’ll be okay. Yeah, it bothers him, but he understands enough to want you to heal instead of molding yourself to be the old Sienna.”

“Okay.” She sighed again. “I’m not doing it for them solely, either. But yeah, I think you’re right, and I’ll try to change my focus.”

“Good.” Marlena squeezed her shoulder. “You’ll get through this. We’re all here and rooting for you.”

Sienna smiled. “Thanks.” Looking down, she spotted something sparkling. “Marlena!”

“Sienna!” Marlena grinned. “What? What did I do?”

“It’s more of a what you haven’t told me,” Sienna told her. “Like what’s on your hand?”

Marlena smiled happily at the gleaming jewel on her left hand.

“Shane proposed three days ago,” she announced. “It was the two year anniversary of the day he told me he loved me! God, we’re getting married! Can you believe it?”

Sienna grinned. “I’m not surprised, except for the fact that you waited three days to tell me!” She hugged Marlena. “I’m so happy for the both of you! I can’t believe he didn’t call me to tell me before he proposed. And I can’t believe you two got back together while I was gone! I wanted to be the one to get you together.”

Marlena shook her head. “You being gone got us back together. You know the story, and he’s had the ring since last year.”

“Oh, oh,” Sienna remembered. “Right, I remember when he bought the ring. He wanted me to go with him, but I told him it was up to him to figure out what he wanted. I guess he figured it out. Have the two of you thought about when you want to get married?”

Marlena nodded. “If he’d had his way, we’d be married by now, but we’re going to do it in July. It’ll give me time to plan the best wedding!”

Sienna smiled, remembering how she and Brian had rushed to get married, not wanting anything to come between them again. They’d waited two months then taken the plunge. It would be two years in December, Sienna realized. Two of the most wonderful years. Or they would be, once she could get herself back to normal, she reminded herself.

Shaking those thoughts off, she turned back to Marlena. “So, what have you got planned so far?”

***

Brian set the crinkly brown bags on the counter then turned to set Luke into the high chair. The twins ran around the kitchen chasing each other and giggling hysterically. Brian grinned over at them and checked to make sure there was nothing around that they’d bump into and get hurt. Noting the lack of things that the twins could turn into potential weapons, he pulled out a cup of peas and diced carrots for Luke and began feeding him, which would turn into an ordeal of its own. Luke was notorious for flinging his arms against the spoon and scattering food everywhere. Brian was still working on the logistics of how best to feed his son.

When he heard the front door open, his heart trip-hammered. Sienna was home, which meant another evening of trying to figure out what it was she needed. He was trying so hard to do whatever it took to make her comfortable and happy, but he felt all his efforts were futile. He didn’t expect her to jump into his arms, but he’d been hoping that she would stop looking at him with fear in her eyes whenever he came close to her.

This isn’t about you, Brian reminded himself. You’re not the one who was hurt. Stop thinking of what you need. Of course it’s going to take her time—it’s only been three weeks since the nightmare ended.

Sienna shut the door and waited for the twins to come running into the foyer. She heard their feet pitter-pattering down the hall and laughed as they attached themselves to her.

“Kafe see! Kafe see!” Serena giggled as Sienna lifted her daughters into her arms.

Kara couldn’t be left behind. “Un-unh! Kafe see, Kara! Kafe see!!”

Sienna chuckled. “Kafe see, huh? I wonder what the two of you have been up to today? Where’s Daddy?” she asked them.

“Tikten,” the girls chorused.

Sienna nodded and headed to the back of the house to find Brian cajoling Luke into taking the last peas in the Gerber bottle. Just watching him made her realize how lucky she was that he was such a patient man. He was a wonderful father and husband, and she knew she’d been wrong to think that he’d ever get tired of waiting for her or disgusted by what had happened to her. After all they’d been through in the past, the current mess was a piece of cake. They were together. That’s what would get them through this, she knew.

He looked over at her and smiled when she entered the kitchen.

“Hey, how was work?”

She grinned. That was such a domestic line. “Good. It was good.” She set the twins down so they could dash off. “Did you know Shane proposed to Marlena?”

Brian managed to get the last spoonful of peas into Luke then, straightening up, looked over at her. “Really? That’s great!” He smiled. “When did he ask her?”

Sienna walked over to the counter to peek into the paper bags on the counter. “Three days ago, and she kept it quiet this whole time! Sneaky,” she murmured, pulling a bag open. “Aha! So that’s what the girls were babbling about.”

Brian didn’t move. If he joined her at the counter, she’d back away. He didn’t need that at the moment.

“What were they babbling about?”

She lifted a carton of fried chicken out of the bag. “They kept saying ‘Kafe see!’ Which, of course, means KFC. So, would this be dinner then?”

Brian smiled sheepishly. “I thought about cooking, but after the meeting with Johnny and the conference call with Reunion, I was too drained to make anything. I hope you don’t mind.”

She broke off a piece of chicken and tried it. “Mmm. Nope, it’s not a problem.” She glanced over at him. “Luke’s all done?”

Brian ran his hand over the baby’s unruly curls. “Yep. I’m going to go grab his playpen and bring it in here, so we can watch him while we eat. Do you want to get things set up?”

“Yeah, okay.” Sienna watched him leave the room then crossed over to pick Luke up. “My darling,” she murmured, pressing a kiss to his soft cheek. “Your daddy’s terrified of me, and I have to come up with some way to make him more comfortable with me. Ideas would always be welcome.”

Sighing, she set him back down in the chair and grinned as he began to bang on the table with a spoon. She grabbed plates, glasses, and filled up the twins’ sippy cups with water. When Brian came back with the playpen and began to get Luke situated into it, she chased after the girls and hoisted them into their high chairs.

***

Later, after the children had fallen asleep, Sienna curled up in the den with a book and, after trying to read and failing, she gave up. She couldn’t focus, she knew, because she had yet to tell Brian about the therapy session that he needed to attend. They hadn’t really spoken about how the other was really feeling, and this was one surefire way to get those thoughts out into the open.

Sighing, she set the book down and headed towards the office where she knew Brian was working. Steeling herself, she pushed open the door and stepped in.

“Hey.” She sat in a chair across the desk from him.

Brian looked up at her, surprised to see her there. “Hi. I thought you were just going to read and go on to bed.”

She shook her head. “I was, but I realized we need to talk.” She paused to collect her thoughts and figure out the best starting point. “Bri, I know it’s hard for you to keep your distance when you see me hurting, but I want you to know that there’s nothing I want more than you to hold me. But I can’t.”

He nodded. “I know. Sienna, you know I’ll do whatever it takes to make you comfortable. I meant it.”

“Even if it makes you unhappy?”

“This isn’t about me. I wasn’t the one…I didn’t go through the ordeal; you did. I’ll be okay as long as you are,” he assured her.

Sienna sighed. “Brian, why can’t you just say it? You tiptoe around what happened and call it an ‘ordeal,’ a ‘mess,’ and whatever else. Why can’t you just say it? Scott raped me.”

The color drained from his face, and he turned away to stare out the window. “Because I can’t think about it. It’s over and he’s dead. There’s no point in rehashing it repeatedly.” His voice was flat.

“But that’s why I’ve been going to therapy, Bri. To keep dragging it up. It’s the only way I’ll get past it, and, if that’s truly what you want for me, then you’re going to have to hear it, too.” She paused, waiting for him to look at her. When his troubled gaze met hers, she managed a half-smile. “Dr. Lewis wants you to come to the next session with me. She thinks it’s important that we do this together. That you know what really happened because it’ll make it easier for you to help in the recovery process. I know you don’t want to do this, to hear it, but I need you to come with me. Please.”

Brian stared down at his hands as thoughts careened through his mind. How could he sit there and hear all those horrid events? He could hardly live with the fact that he hadn’t been able to protect Sienna from them in the first place, but, now, she wanted him to hear them firsthand? He wasn’t sure he’d be able to control the guilt then.

He looked up at her, waiting for his answer. She was the love of his life, and he knew he’d never be able to live without her. Whatever it took to make her truly happy again, he would do. So, he’d go with her to the therapy session, and he’d hear the horrors. Then, he’d try to help them move past it.

“On one condition,” he began.

“Condition?” Sienna was confused. He would only help her conditionally?

“Yeah. I love you, Sienna, and I’m willing to do all this for you, so you can get your peace of mind back. But,” he paused. “I can’t handle the fact that you’re terrified when I get within five feet of you. I can’t stand seeing the fear in your eyes, and, you’re right, it hurts me. So, I’ll come with you to however many sessions it takes, however many months or years it takes, only if you can try to get past the fact that I’m a man. It’s me, baby. It’s Brian, your husband. I love you, I’d never hurt you. I just need you to remember that.”

Sienna nodded, blinking back tears. He was right, she knew that, and she would try to get over the fear. She didn’t know if she could actually do it, but for the man she loved she’d do whatever it took to make him happy, too.

“I’ll remember,” she promised. “Thank you, Brian.”

“Don’t thank me,” he murmured. “I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

“Me, too,” she whispered.

How I wish it could be that easy

But fear surrounds me like a fence

I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair

To face the fear but not feel scared

Lyrics “Wild Horses” Natasha Bedingfield

***

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