Chapter 25

“Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out…Fuck.”

Why the hell am I so nervous? AJ wondered as he stood in front of the door. It wasn’t like he hadn’t done this before. In fact, he’d been doing this for the past three weeks, ever since he’d left Kentucky. This time should be no different, but he was terrified standing in front of this door.

“AJ?”

He spun around and grinned, hiding his surprise. “Well, thank God!”

Kevin grinned back. “I couldn’t let you do this alone, even if you did do your whole album alone.”

“Yeah,” AJ smiled proudly, thinking of the thousands of discs that had gone on sale that day. Of course, Kevin would always know how all the guys were feeling. “But, you’re right, I’m glad you’re here. I’ve been fine on all those other shows, but this one has always been different.”

Kevin gestured towards the door. “They’re gonna love you out there. You’re such a ham, Alex. Trust your instincts.”

“AJ? They’re going to call you out in one minute,” a harried technician called out, leaning out of the taping room.

“Thanks,” AJ answered, then, squaring his shoulders, turned to face the door again. “They know you’re here?” he asked Kevin.

He shook his head. “Nope. Wanna make it a surprise?”

The terrified look suddenly disappeared, a smile replacing it. “Do I want to breathe? Yes, we’ll make it a surprise. They’re going to love it. They’re going to love me,” he assured himself, trying not to be nervous.

“Let’s welcome AJ McLean!”

“Good luck,” Kevin patted AJ’s back as the younger man stepped through the door, and applause exploded into the hall where Kevin stood. He smiled to himself. AJ would be fine.

“Kevin?” Another member of the technical crew hurried over. “We need to get you into makeup if you’re going out there.”

He glanced back towards the door, now shut, and, turning back to the woman, smiled and nodded.

AJ hugged and patted his way up to the stage and approached the host.

“Welcome back to TRL, AJ,” she greeted him enthusiastically. “We’re thrilled to have you here as you can tell from the all the screaming.” She gestured towards the audience then over to the window.

AJ wandered over to look down at Times Square and grinned at the die-hard Backstreet fans that would always support him, though he secretly hoped that he had his own fans, ones that had fallen in love with his music. Waving down at the banner-strewn crowd, he turned back to the ones in the studio.

“It’s great to be here,” he told Vanessa, the MTV VJ. “Thanks everybody for still loving me. And, of course, the rest of the guys.”

“Of course, we would,” Vanessa grinned. “So, let’s talk about what’s happening today…”

Her voice was drowned out by the screams, but they managed to talk about his new album and sounds. In between questions from both the fans and Vanessa, the top ten was played, and AJ was pleased to see that he’d landed in the top third spot. He hadn’t counted on even being in the top ten, but he was proud of that spot.

“So, um, if you guys can stand the excitement anymore,” AJ spoke up after his video had played. “I brought someone special with me.”

When the screams began again, ranging from audible “BRIAN!” to “NICK!”, AJ winced but laughed.

“Can I bring ‘em out?” he asked Vanessa.

She nodded, surprised. “Absolutely! Let’s see who it is!”

AJ grinned. “All right, everybody! Put your hands together for my one and only big bro! Kevin, come on out here!”

As the cheering ensued again, Kevin walked casually into the studio and made his way through the audience to where AJ stood with Vanessa.

“Hi,” Kevin greeted everyone. “How’s everything going?”

When the screams re-erupted, Vanessa shook her head. “You Boys always cause amazing chaos even after so many years! It’s incredible! How are you, Kevin?”

“Good, good. I’m really proud of AJ, which is why I’m here today.” He turned towards the camera. “Everyone out there, go buy his new album! It’s out today!”

“Thanks, Kev.” AJ grinned.

“Any time.”

“Awww, aren’t these two just great!” Vanessa gushed. “Well, guys. I guess we’ll hit you with the big questions now that two of you are here!”

AJ shrugged. “Bring ‘em on!”

Vanessa smiled. “All right. So, we know you guys were supposed to have your own tour that should have begun right around now, but it was postponed because Brian’s family was kidnapped, right?”

Kevin shifted his weight, trying not to be nervous about where this seemed to be going. “That’s right.”

“Okay. Well, I’m sure we, the fans, would love to know when the tour will be starting up again, and how are Brian and his family doing?”

AJ nodded. “Okay, well, we’re discussing when to restart the tour. We’re just trying to be supportive of Brian right now. He needs to spend time with his family, and we’re giving that time to him. I think all of us needed some time to recover from those crazy six weeks, too. Besides, I’m having fun doing my own promoting,” he added.

“Of course,” she agreed.

“As for how Bri and his family are,” Kevin continued. “I think Brian and Sienna are taking time to recover. Their children are young enough that they don’t really know what happened, but I think it’s just going to take the parents some time to get past the trauma. Because, when you get right down to it, the kidnapping was a horrifying thing to happen to anyone. Sienna and Brian just need time to feel safe and secure again. And all of us are very supportive of that,” he added.

“That’s good to hear! Well, let’s check out the number two video,” Vanessa changed the subject, noting the hesitancy in the two men. When the video was playing, she put her microphone down and leaned towards them. “I’m sorry if that was uncomfortable. They were questions I was given to ask by the superiors.”

Kevin waved it off. “Nah, it’s not a problem. We really are discussing what to do with the tour, but, when it comes to Brian, we think it better for him to answer those questions. Right now, for obvious reasons, he’s not comfortable talking about it.”

“Right,” Vanessa nodded then assumed the host role again as the cameras began rolling. “Well, we’re back, and, instead of just AJ, we get two Backstreet Boys! So, we’ve got an audience member who has one last question for AJ. Where is she?”

When the young woman with the question stood to face AJ, he smiled at her.

“Hi,” her voice wavered. “I’m Natalie, and I was wondering if you were dating the FBI agent that investigated the whole kidnapping case. I saw some pictures and was just wondering because I think you guys make a really cute couple!”

AJ knew the color had drained from his face, but he managed to smile. “Pictures, huh? Well, I didn’t know there were any out there, but the answer to that question is no. I’m not with anyone, right now. In the past, there may have been a little something with her, but it was no biggie,” he lied.

It was the first time he’d knowingly lied to his fans since leaving rehab, and it left a bitter taste in his mouth. Regan was everything now, and he couldn’t even publicly acknowledge that because she would be embarrassed and questioned by her own superiors.

“Okay, thanks! Oh, and I bought your album, and it rocks!” Natalie sat down again with a smile.

AJ had to smile at her enthusiasm. “I’m glad you liked it! That just made my day,” he laughed as she couldn’t hold back the shriek of excitement.

When the attention turned back to Vanessa, Kevin placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it supportingly. AJ acknowledged it with a slight smile.

“Thanks for the question, Natalie,” Vanessa said and turned towards the cameras and the teleprompter. “Well, that about wraps it up here on TRL. We’ll play the number one video, and everyone go out and buy AJ McLean’s new CD! Go get it!”

***

AJ settled into the backseat of the car that would take him to his next interview at the Z100 radio station. Kevin slid in next to him, while Johnny hopped in the front.

“Well, that was interesting,” he began but, at AJ’s sullen look, stopped.

Kevin shook his head. “You know fans are everywhere, Alex. They’ll take pictures of you from behind bushes. Maybe one of them caught you guys at the landing strip when you kissed her. Anything’s possible.”

“Maybe,” AJ muttered. “Doesn’t mean I have to like it. I hated saying that she wasn’t a big deal, but I had to say it to protect her.”

“Yeah,” Kevin murmured. “Guess the Bureau wouldn’t be too thrilled knowing their agents were having flings with witnesses in cases.”

“Damn it! It wasn’t a fling, Kevin!” AJ exploded. “I love her! I wanted to sing that out to everyone right then and there, but I couldn’t. And I hated doing that, but I have no choice. I have to pretend like nothing happened because I don’t know how to get her back.” He slumped back into the chair feeling helpless.

Kevin patted his arm. “If you love her that much, you’ll figure out something.”

“Right. I’m stuck on the media circuit, right now. Johnny’s not gonna be off my back for another two weeks, right man?”

Johnny turned around. “It might be better to just give her some time, you know. The next two weeks might give you more time to think about what to do.”

“Like three weeks hasn’t been enough?” AJ muttered.

Kevin shook his head. “The two of you had something very intense going on in a very short amount of time. I think three weeks hasn’t been enough for you to get over that anger you have over her leaving before you could stop her. So it’s best to just give it a little more time. Besides, you need a game plan—one that’ll sweep her off her feet.”

“Maybe,” AJ murmured again. “I just need her back so badly. I’m willing to do anything.”

“Like laying your heart on the line?” Kevin wondered.

AJ shook his head. “Already done that. She knows I love her, but she still left! I have to figure out something else.” He sighed as they pulled into the radio station’s parking lot. “Later.”

***

“Hey, what’s up?”

Brian looked up as Mac slid into the chair across the table from him.

He managed a smile. “Thanks for coming, man,” he began. “I just needed to talk to someone about everything that’s been going on because I really don’t know what to do.”

Mac frowned, his brown eyes filled with concern. “What’s wrong? Are Sienna and the kids okay?”

Brian sighed. “The kids are great, they’re fine. It’s just…”

“Is everything okay between you and Sienna?” Mac asked. “Is she okay?”

Brian sighed again. The world outside the sometimes-suffocating Backstreet circle did not know the full story of the kidnapping. To protect Sienna, Brian had refused to share the information of her sexual abuse with everyone, and the others had agreed. Now, Brian knew he’d have to share it with a friend. He desperately needed to talk to someone outside that circle, and Regan was out of the question because, much as he may need her help, he knew that it would hurt AJ more to keep bringing her back into their circle.

He’d been friends with MacAllister Jenkins since he and Sienna had first begun taking the twins to his pediatrics clinic. They had become friends easily because Mac was relaxed enough about everything that just being around him gave Brian an outlet from the occasional frustrations of being a father and husband. Plus, Mac didn’t see Brian’s friendship in dollar signs, which had often happened in the past. Brian was grateful for their friendship, especially now.

“No,” Brian replied finally. “No, she’s not okay.” He leaned forward, afraid that someone in the café they were sitting in would overhear. “There’s something you don’t know about what happened during the kidnapping, Mac. Something I chose to keep out of the media, so we could return to normal life quickly.” He sighed. “Unfortunately, it looks as though normal life is out of bounds right now.”

“What happened, Littrell? Spit it out.” Mac raised a brow expectantly.

Brian nodded. “During the kidnapping, while Scott had Sienna, he…he, God, Mac. He raped her.” He stared down into the untouched cup of coffee that sat in front of him. When Mac was silent, Brian looked up at his friend. “Well? Don’t you have anything to say?”

Mac smiled grimly. “You didn’t have to tell me what happened, I kind of figured it out after seeing her when she brought Luke in last week. She got really skittish around me, and I had to call Shelley in to examine Luke.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry, Brian, I really am. I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. It’s just—I don’t know how to help her because she’s nervous around me, too. Every time I get too close, she freaks out and runs in the opposite direction. I don’t know what to do to make her feel safer. And then, God, when she has nightmares, and I can’t take care of her afterwards…I feel like the worst husband in the world, Mac, and I can’t talk to any of the other guys because they just want what’s best for Sienna, but what about me? Aren’t I suffering, too? And I know that sounds really selfish, but that’s how I feel, and I can’t stop wanting to just…” the rush of words died out.

Mac sat back. “Wow, that was quite a bit. Let me think,” he murmured. “So, Sienna was raped, and now she’s afraid to be too close to men. That makes sense, even with you. Yeah, you love her, but she’s just going to need time to get over that fear. And you’re not a terrible husband, Bri. You being worried right now for the both of you is really good. If you shoved aside all your needs for her, you wouldn’t be the guy she loves. And she does love you, she just needs time. You needing her to not be afraid of you is understandable, too. Again, I think you just need to hang in there,” he reiterated.

Brian buried his face in his hands. “I’m horrible, aren’t I? All I want is for none of this to have happened, and I dread waking up each day because I know I’m going to see that fear in her eyes again. I just want my wife back,” he moaned.

“I’m not going to tell you that you feeling this way is normal because I’ve never had to deal with something like this before, either. I think it’s okay for you to feel helpless because, if it were me, I would definitely feel the same way,” Mac assured him. “Just keep doing what you’ve been doing to help her, and you can always call on me to vent or whatever. We can play a nice, long game of basketball where I’ll proceed to destroy you.”

Brian laughed, as Mac had hoped he would. “Yeah, right! You beat me? That’s never happened yet, and it’ll never happen in the future.” His smile disappeared again. “I guess there’s really nothing much I can do at this point, huh?” He acknowledged Mac’s nod. “She’s going to see a therapist, and the therapist suggested that I come with her the next time. Which is tomorrow,” he added.

“For what?”

“Sienna wasn’t the one to break the news to me about the rape, Regan was. I haven’t heard what happened in Sienna’s words, and the therapist thinks it might be good for both of us to be there to hear it all. That it’s somehow going to help our mutual recovery process,” Brian muttered. “I don’t need the recovery, Sienna does. I just don’t think I can do it because I already feel guilty as hell that anything happened. I’m afraid I’m going to break down when she actually says everything out loud. How would I be helping her then?”

“You ‘breaking down’ is exactly why you’re in the recovery process, too,” Mac told him. “I think it’s a good idea for the two of you to do this together. Maybe you’ll help her get over her fear of you.”

“Maybe,” Brian murmured. “I really hope so.”

Mac sighed. “There’s only one way to find out.”

Brian nodded, meeting his friend’s eyes. “I have to go tomorrow.”

***

Sienna slid into the passenger side of Brian’s car and gave him a small smile. It was the first time she’d been in a car with him since she’d been home, and she was already fearful of how close they were sitting. Just get over it, Si. Remember, he’s your husband. He loves you, she chanted the mantra in her head.

“Ready?” Brian asked as she buckled the seatbelt.

She nodded. “Yeah, let’s go.”

They drove in silence for a few minutes, and guilt began to overcome her. He was coming with her to the therapist’s office to hear what, for him, would be difficult to hear because he’d never heard it before. In a way, she was better equipped to deal with the experience because she relived it in her head repeatedly awake or asleep. But Brian had never heard the details of what she’d been through, and she felt guilty for putting him through this without giving him any sign that things would be okay if he helped her with this.

Sienna turned to study his profile. She’d always loved to trace his features in the dark after they’d made love, and he’d always laughed and asked her what she was doing.

“I’m memorizing every inch of this face,” she murmured, her eyes closed as her fingers moved over his features.

Brian kissed her fingers. “I’ll always be here, why do you need to memorize it? You can have this face whenever.”

“Yeah, I know.” She opened her eyes to see the smile gleaming in his. “I just want to remember everything. Just in case.”

He shook his head and pulled her down so her head rested in the curve of his shoulder. “I’ll never leave, Sienna. We’ll always be together. I love you.”

“I love you, Brian,” she spoke now.

Taking his eyes off the road, he turned to give her a puzzled smile. “Baby, I love you, too.”

Sienna shook her head. “No, really. Thank you for doing this. I know it hurts you, but thank you. I feel so blessed to have you by my side in this, even if I can’t give anything back to you.”

He smiled again, a wistful look flickering in his eyes. “You told me you loved me. What more could I need?”

Sienna nodded then turned to stare out the window at the passing buildings. She hoped that love would be enough to carry them through the next few hours. When she saw the office complex that housed the therapist’s office, her heart began somersaulting. We can do this, we can do this, her chant changed as she closed her eyes to pray with all her heart that she and Brian would be okay.

“Sienna?” Brian parked the car and turned it off. He waited until her eyes opened. “We’re here.”

She nodded, then, taking a deep breath, pushed open the door.

***

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