Chapter 26

Regan carefully slit open the plastic wrapping, and, opening the case, slid its contents into her stereo. She hadn’t expected to be doing this in a million years. When the FedEx deliveryman had stood at her doorstep, she’d been surprised, knowing she hadn’t ordered anything from anywhere. Then again, maybe she had forgotten. When she’d opened the box and read the note from Howie, she’d been, well, stunned was too mild a word, Regan decided.

Now, here she was, doing the unthinkable. She was listening to AJ sing his way through a list of a dozen songs. Howie had thoughtfully sent her AJ’s new album, the one that had been released the day before, because he had thought she would appreciate listening to it. Well, she had to admit she was appreciating the gesture because she’d never truly heard him sing before.

Unfortunately, she couldn’t open the album jacket. The cover was already killing her because his eyes kept staring at her, but damned if she would torture herself by flipping through the rest of it. Especially the liner notes. Especially since Howie had stressed that she read the liner notes AJ had had frantically changed in the last week before the album release. Especially because that last move had cost him thousands of dollars to do at the last minute.

Which was why she had put the jacket into a drawer and shut it. If she’d had a lock on the drawer, she would have locked it and thrown away the key. She’d torture herself with his voice because she’d already gone out and bought the older Backstreet Boys albums, but she refused to torture herself with the sight of him.

In the past month, she’d rebuilt every defense AJ had torn down in their time together. It turned out that he’d knocked every last one of them down, and she’d had a hell of a time putting them back up. Regan would never admit to the bouts of loneliness that plagued her at night, or the dreams.

God, the dreams. Regan sat up and tried to focus on the words of the upbeat, rock-edged song AJ was currently singing. If she focused long enough, she could forget about those dreams in which he told her he loved her, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and Jordan. When he’d kiss her, she would feel as though she were floating again, and, on waking, she would hate herself. She did hate herself. If she’d never left him in the first place…No. Regan shook her head. She wasn’t going there. She had to leave him because there was no future there. Who knew how many times he’d told other women that he loved them? Maybe he told every woman he slept with that he loved her. If she believed him, then she really did need a reality check.

Oh, but how she wished that every word he’d spoken were true. That she could go back to him and start a new life. But she couldn’t. Life came first, and, in real life, pop stars did not spend their lives with law enforcement agents. Both of them had demanding lives, and the only way they’d even been able to spend all that time together during the case had been because they’d lived in the same house. Real life had arrived, though, and she…

She was still thinking about him, Regan realized. Because she had loved him—still loved him, she corrected herself. She had to tell herself the truth or she’d never get over him. But she couldn’t go back. And, as far as she was concerned, that was that.

Sighing, she stood and, walking over to the stereo, turned it off. She took the CD out and, putting it back in its case, she put it with its album jacket and shut the drawer on it. She wouldn’t take it out again, she decided. There had to be a line between pathetic and pining, and she was not going to even get close enough to toe that line.

Looking up at the clock, she noted that Jordan would be home soon, which meant that she had to start dinner soon. And call a certain someone, she reminded herself as she picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Thanks for the present, Dorough.”

“Regan!” Howie sounded delighted.

Regan couldn’t help but smile. Damn it, she did miss the guys. “The one and only.”

“It’s good to hear from you! How are you? How’s Jordan? How’s life in general?”

She laughed. “I’m fine, Jordan’s great, and life’s alright.”

“It could be better, you know,” Howie said quietly.

She sighed. “Howie, I’d really like to not go over that, right now.”

“He’s a mess, Regan.”

“No, he’s not,” she stated firmly. “He just released his solo album, he’s on top of the world. I’m the furthest thing from his mind.”

Howie sighed and shook his head on the other end of the line. How could such a smart woman be so stubborn? he wondered.

“So, I got the delivery you sent me,” she continued. “I listened to it. Well, almost all of it,” she admitted.

“Yeah?” He was surprised she hadn’t chucked it out the window.

“Yeah,” she sighed. “It’s good. I’m proud of him, and I think it’s going to be a hit.”

“I hear a but.”

Regan sighed again. “I put it away because I need to get over this, Howie. I can’t and won’t keep putting myself through an emotional wringer over this. I’m moving on with my life.”

“Are you, really?”

“Yes. Yes, I am.” She blew out a breath. “Howie, I’m grateful you thought it would be important for me to have his work, but, the fact is, whatever you’re expecting to happen down the line will not happen.”

“Meaning?”

“Are you trying to make this difficult for me?”

“Like I said, he’s a mess. If you’re not, then I guess I underestimated your feelings for him,” Howie murmured.

She squeezed her eyes shut. “I felt a lot for him, Howie. However, I’m not going to listen to the album and, hearing his voice, decide that I can’t live without him. I’m not going to fly across the country to go after him because we—are—done. End of story, Howie.”

“So that’s that?”

“Yeah, that’s that. I care about all of you, Howie, so I’d love to be friends still, but I just can’t be with AJ.”

There was a long silence, and Regan held her breath. “Okay. I love AJ, and I’ve come to love you, too. So whatever happens, I’ll back out of trying to help get you two back together. I promise.”

“Thanks, Howie.” She smiled. “I love you, too.”

“Good.” There was a wailing sound in the background. “Listen, I’d love to chat, but Ryan’s decided it’s time to wake up, so I gotta get going.”

“Aww, domestic Howie. How adorable,” Regan cooed. “Give him a kiss for me, and say hi to Liv, too.”

“I’ll do that. Take care of yourself and tell Jordan I said hey, too,” Howie told her.

“Okay.”

“Goodbye, Regan.”

“Goodbye, Howie.”

Setting the phone back into its receiver, she stared out the window at the patch of lawn she had, not really seeing it. She’d lied to Howie because she’d never get over AJ. She loved him, and that love was showing no signs of disappearing any time soon. No matter how hard she tried.

***

Sienna opened the door to Dr. Lewis’ office and stepped through, Brian following her at a safe distance. This was it, she thought and steeled herself as she walked up to the receptionist’s desk.

Brian looked around at the tastefully decorated waiting area, which was completely empty, and settled into a cushy chair. He watched Sienna twist her wedding ring around and around on her finger as she spoke to the woman behind the desk. He could see the strain on her face, in the laugh she gave the other woman, and in the look she gave him as she made her way towards him. She sat in a chair one over from him, and he tried to ignore the barb that action shot into him. He knew she was still wary of him, but he hoped that today would begin to slowly change that.

“Dr. Lewis is almost done with her patient,” Sienna explained, staring hard at her hands, unable to look up at him.

Brian nodded. “No problem.” When she continued to gaze at her hands, he sighed. “Baby, it’s going to be okay. I promise, there is nothing to worry about.”

She looked up at him, hazel eyes tinged with sadness. “I wish there wasn’t, Brian. But you’ve never had to hear this before. I don’t want this to hurt you.”

It already does, he thought. “I’m tougher than you think,” he told her. “I’ll be okay, and we’re not here for me. We’re here for you.”

Whatever she had been about to say, Brian would never know because the receptionist called out to them.

“Mr. and Mrs. Littrell, you can go on in. Dr. Lewis is ready for you.”

Thanking her, they made their way down the short hallway to the therapist’s office. As they stepped in, Brian took in the quiet, comfortably decorated room. One wall was lined with bookshelves full of thick, important-looking texts, while the opposite wall was decorated with scenic paintings. The room smelled faintly of vanilla, and he could see a flock of geese settled on the lawn outside the lone, bay window set in the far wall.

Taking it all in, he looked at the woman gesturing Sienna into a seat. Dr. Lewis had short, brown hair that settled on her very competent-seeming shoulders, and her direct, blue eyes had focused on him.

“Hello, Brian,” she greeted him, holding out a hand. “I’m glad you could make it today.”

Brian shook her hand. “It wasn’t a problem. I’d do anything for Sienna, whatever it takes to help her.”

Dr. Lewis smiled. “That’s wonderful to hear. Why don’t the two of you have a seat?”

They nodded and settled into two of the three armchairs set in a circle in front of a large, mahogany desk. The therapist lifted a notepad from her desk and settled into the empty chair. She turned to look at Brian, humor making her blue eyes twinkle.

“Before we start, I have to tell you, Brian, I didn’t think I’d ever meet you,” she began. “And I’m definitely going to sound like a crazed fan, but you and the other Boys have always been one of my favorite artists. So I’m really excited that you’re here, even under the circumstances.”

Sienna couldn’t help but laugh at the surprised look on Brian’s face. “I don’t think he expected you to be a fan,” she told Dr. Lewis.

The other woman chuckled. “No, but surely you must know that you have fans in all shapes, sizes, and occupations?” she asked him.

The surprised look disappearing, Brian grinned. “I should, shouldn’t I? In fourteen years of performing, almost nothing surprises me anymore. But you managed to do it!” He shook his head. “Well, I’m glad you weren’t an *N Sync fan. We’d be doomed then.”

“No, of course not,” Dr. Lewis assured him. Her demeanor became more professional then, and she turned to Sienna, a serious look on her face now. “Well, let’s just get started, shall we? Sienna, you know what’s going to happen, so let me explain how we do these sessions to Brian.” She turned to him. “Sienna’s going to recount her experiences—everything that happened from the moment she and your children were kidnapped to the end. It will get difficult at points, but you cannot stop her. It may hurt, but you need to let her get it all out. If at any point it gets to be too much, step out into the hall, but don’t interrupt her retelling. There’ll be time for questions afterwards. Is that clear enough?”

Brian took a deep breath. “Yeah.” He nodded. “I understand. Let’s just get this started.”

Dr. Lewis nodded. “Okay, Sienna. You know what I’m going to ask you, so…”

“So I’ll start,” Sienna finished. “Okay.” Deep breath. “AJ was over that day, and we were sitting in the sunroom, watching the babies as they started to fall asleep. I had taken the day off for Brian’s birthday, my own personal celebration. I decided to take a nap, and the next thing I knew, I heard glass shattering…”

Brian listened and tried not to let his inward cringes show. As she talked about how Scott had left her and their children with no food, he had to stop his fists from clenching. He couldn’t show outward emotion, he was sure, because it would distract Sienna. So, he kept it on the inside.

Unfortunately, when her voice wavered as she slowly made her way through the first time Scott had blackened her eye and forced himself upon her, he could feel his heart break again. And again. He hadn’t been able to protect her, was all he could think. He’d gone off to sing, knowing there was a lunatic threatening his family, and he’d left her open to harm. Everything that had happened was his fault, too. No matter what anyone told him, he knew he would always partially blame himself for her nightmarish experiences.

Sienna could feel the pressure building up, the phantom pain beginning, and knew she’d break apart soon. It always happened, so why would this time, even with Brian there, be any different?

She squeezed her eyes shut as she tried to keep her voice steady. “He was going to kill the twins because he knew that I’d somehow gotten a message to Brian about who had taken us…” her voice trailed off.

“Sienna, keep going,” Dr. Lewis gently urged her.

Eyes still shut, Sienna nodded, her head bent and her body curling up as if she were cringing against the next blow. Brian desperately wanted to take her into his arms and knew that would never work.

“I knew I had to stop him, so I…I told him that, if he sent the twins back, we would definitely be able to be alone then and escape more easily, even if people knew who he was. He agreed to send them back, but, that night, he…oh, God…he was…” her voice turned into a moaning sound. “I can’t, I can’t,” she moaned as she rocked herself. “I couldn’t stop it…” And she dissolved into tears as the sobs wracked her body.

Unable to stand it, Brian stood and, ignoring Dr. Lewis’ protests, went to gather her into his arms. The second his hands gently gripped her arms, Sienna stiffened. She looked up at him, and Brian felt fear slide icily down his spine. There was something wrong, and the fury in her eyes was something he’d never seen before. Before he could let go, she’d wrenched herself out of his hold, slapping a hand across his face. He registered the blow and the sting on his cheek but was more shocked by the wrath he saw on her face.

She didn’t see Brian, she saw Scott. She saw the blond hair, the evil brown eyes, and that smirk that had always appeared on his face after he finished with her. The fury bubbling through her now was what she’d lacked in the past, but she could lash out at him now.

“Don’t you dare touch me! I hate you for doing this to me! I hate myself for ever having been with you, so you could turn it on me later! I hate that I let you touch me and never fought back! Did you enjoy yourself? Do you get your kicks out of harming the innocent?”

This was a Sienna Brian had never seen before, and, as each word she spat at him was a knife in the heart, he took a step back. The fury was boiling out of her and not even Dr. Lewis could stop it. It had to run its course, and Brian let it hit him repeatedly.

“I hate you, I hate you,” Sienna repeated, her voice faltering now and tears spilling down her cheeks. “I hate you for doing this to me…” Her voice trailed off, and she sank to the carpeted floor, weeping heart-wrenchingly.

Brian didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t hold her because he was terrified now. From the look on the therapist’s face, this was something she hadn’t expected, and he was deathly afraid he’d set his wife back several miles on her road to recovery.

“Brian,” Dr. Lewis placed a hand on his arm. “Could you step out in the hall for a bit? Please.”

He helplessly watched Sienna then turned to look into the doctor’s concerned eyes. “Okay,” he whispered.

Closing the door behind him, he leaned against the wall and slid to the floor, burying his face in his hands. What had he done? He’d wanted to stop her tears, but her reaction hadn’t been the usual fear. This reaction had terrified the hell out of him because he’d never seen her fury in the five years they’d known each other. Sure, she’d gotten angry before, but this was something different. This rage had shot daggers at him from her eyes.

He lifted a hand to his face where the sting from her blow was beginning to make itself known. When he pulled his hand away from his cheek, he found blood on it. Surprised, he wondered if maybe her nails had scratched at it. Not caring about his shirt, he rubbed his sleeve across his face and watched as large patches of blood stained the shirt.

Realizing that something had changed—for the worst—in the therapist’s office, he began to tremble. Somehow, he knew that whatever had happened before today hadn’t affected his relationship with Sienna as today would. The prospect terrified him, but he was unable to think about it further because the door to the office opened, and Dr. Lewis stepped into the hall.

Kneeling next to him, she gave him a grim smile. “You’ll need proper bandages for your face, Brian.” She sighed. “What happened in there…I don’t think I’ll know the results of it until the next session.”

“She thought I was Scott.”

“Yes, she did. She was finally able to fight back, so I’m hoping this will be a step forward. She was able to face her fear and stand up to it. I’m sorry you got caught in the cross-fire.”

He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. If it helped for her to be able to fight back using me, that’s fine. I’m just afraid that this will change something in our marriage—and not for the better.”

Dr. Lewis sighed again. “That will be something the two of you will have to weather on your own.” She patted his shoulder. “I think you can help each other through this, though. You’ve already helped her, you know. Especially today.”

“I hope so,” he whispered.

Dr. Lewis stood. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for the two of you to go home in the same car, so I called Mrs. Olivia Dorough. She’s coming to pick Sienna up, and you should probably go get those scratches tended to.”

“Yeah,” he murmured, feeling the blood sticky on his face. “I guess I’ll see you at another session then?”

“I’ll let you know if we need it,” she assured him.

He nodded. “It was a pleasure meeting you. Even under the circumstances.” He glanced back at the closed door that hid Sienna from him. “I hope I can figure out how to help her.”

“You can.”

He nodded again and headed out of the office. He really hoped that being able to lash out at him helped Sienna get past part of her fear because he knew that, if it pushed her recovery back, he’d never forgive himself.

***

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