Chapter 28

Brian hurried into the Cedars-Sinai CCC, not really noticing any other signs in the hospital except the one for the receptionist.  Turning down a corridor, he found the front desk and hurried up to it.

“Hi,” he greeted the receptionist, an older woman with graying hair and tired brown eyes.  “I’m here to see a patient.  Kelly Monaco,” he added, anticipating the woman’s question.

She pressed a few buttons on her keyboard and frowned at the computer screen.  “I’m sorry,” she began, looking back up at him.  “But only family is allowed up to see Ms. Monaco at the moment.  The patient’s requested privacy.”

“He’s family,” a woman’s voice spoke behind him.

He turned around to find himself facing a striking woman in her late twenties, dressed in torn jeans and black tank top.  Who? he couldn’t stop himself from thinking. 

She turned to the receptionist.  “It’s alright, he’s welcome to come up,” she reassured the woman in a soft British accented voice. Turning back to Brian, she gestured him towards the bank of elevators.  “Come on.  Kelly’s been waiting.”

Brian followed her wordlessly, and they piled into the first elevator that showed up.  On the ride up to the fifth floor, he couldn’t help but begin to worry about what could possibly be wrong with Kelly.  Her privacy was being well-protected, but why? What could be so wrong?

As the elevator doors opened and they stepped out, the woman turned to him.  “Do you know why Kelly’s here?”

He shook his head, and she frowned.  “Okay, well, then.  She’s in room 524, just down that hallway.”

Nodding slightly, he followed the hallway she’d pointed him down.  When he reached 524, bracing himself for the worst, he pushed open the door and stepped in.

The first thing that hit him was the hospital smell.  He hated it because it always smelled like death, and it would always remind him of his own hospital time.  Trying not to dwell on it too long, his gaze shifted from the room’s furnishings to the woman propped up in the bed.

Her eyes were shut, and Brian could see a catheter on the back of her hand, an IV tube hooked to it at one end, to a bag of clear liquid at the other.  Machines around her beeped along, keeping track of her heart rate, among other vital signs.  She’d lost weight since the last time he’d seen her.  Her skin was pale, nearly translucent, and there were dark circles beneath her eyes.  But what struck him the most was her dark hair, once thick and flowing to her shoulders, had been chopped short and seemed thinner than he remembered.  What was going on?

“Brian?” Her eyes fluttered open. 

He gave her a big smile and moved to perch on the bed next to her.  “Hey,” he greeted her gently.  “How are you feeling?”

She gave him a small smile.  “Not so great.” She paused.  “I know you want to know why I’m here.  Why I look like this.” She gestured to herself.

He held her hand and gave it a comforting squeeze.  “I do,” he admitted.  “What’s going on, Kelly?”

She clutched at his hand.  “Promise me you won’t get angry that I didn’t tell you,” she whispered.

The confusion grew.  “Honey, I could never be mad at you.  I promise.  Tell me what’s wrong.”

She sighed.  “Do you remember how I told you that I’d miscarried my baby?” At his nod, she continued.  “The doctor ran some tests to find out what had gone wrong, and she discovered that I had cervical cancer that had spread and disrupted the pregnancy.” At his alarmed expression, she squeezed his hand.  “I hadn’t had a pap smear done in a while, Bri, so it was partly my fault that it hadn’t been caught sooner.  Since then, they removed the majority of my, well, my system.  Which is why I can’t have children,” she explained quickly.

Brian nodded, remembering that Sienna had gone through the same procedure at around the same time Kelly must have.  “Okay,” he said.  “But if they stopped the cancer then, what are you…unless they didn’t stop it,” he realized.

Kelly gave him another small smile.  “I went back a couple weeks later because I hadn’t been feeling well, and they found that the cancerous cells had gotten into my bone marrow.  The doctors still aren’t sure when or how that happened, but it had turned into leukemia.  It wasn’t too bad.  In the beginning.  I had chemotherapy, lost some weight when I vomited, had ridiculous amounts of medicines tossed into me, and tried to keep going with my life.” She sighed.  “It was working really well, until the days before I left your house.”

“That’s why you were in bed!” Brian remembered.  “You weren’t feeling well.  It was the leukemia, wasn’t it?”

She nodded.  “The meds had stopped working, and, since I left Lexington, I’ve been here.” She tugged at her short locks.  “Losing my hair, among other things.”

She had leukemia and hadn’t told him the entire time she had been staying with him, taking care of him, helping in the little things he’d needed help with during the kidnapping nightmare.  When she should have been taking care of her health, she had put it aside for him. Brian couldn’t help but feel torn between hurt over the fact that she hadn’t told him, anger that she’d let herself worsen when she should’ve been taking care of her herself, and worry that things were obviously not good at the moment.  Knowing that heaping the anger and hurt on her wouldn’t be fair in the current situation, he stuck with the worry.

“How bad is it? And don’t hide anything this time,” he warned her.

Kelly looked down at their linked hands.  “It’s bad.  I’m afraid that I…Brian, I’m afraid I won’t leave here. Alive, anyway,” she whispered.

When she looked back up at him, he could see the fatigue, the pain, and the tears shining in her eyes.  She couldn’t die, he thought fiercely.  He wasn’t going to lose her, but he was terrified all the same.

“The doctors are going to keep you alive, Kelly.  We just have to keep praying, and God will hear those prayers,” he added firmly.  “Oh man, how was I so stupid?” he murmured, realizing something.  “I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out when I got to the hospital.  Cedars-Sinai Comprehensive Cancer Center.  Listen,” he looked into her eyes.  “This place specializes in helping people get rid of cancer.  We just have to trust God and your doctors, and, before you know it, you’ll be in remission.”

Kelly tried to smile, but she couldn’t quite stop the tears from falling and buried her face in her hands. 

“Baby,” he murmured and, leaning forward, held her as she wept fearful tears.

***

Shane was trying to understand and failing miserably.  “So, you’re not afraid of me touching you? Like, I can hug you, now, and you won’t freak out?” When she nodded, he frowned.  “But Brian still scares you? Si, how the hell does that make sense?!”

Sienna frowned at the cookie she was eating.  She still didn’t understand what was keeping her from reaching for Brian when everything was back to normal between her and Shane.  It would have made perfect sense if she had been wary of Shane and okay with Brian, but this just didn’t make sense. 

“I don’t know, Shane,” she murmured.  “It’s like, if I even think about reaching for Brian, my mind turns off, and I start freaking out.  He’s usually not even there when that happens! I don’t understand what’s wrong with me.”  She sighed unhappily.

Shane reached over and held her hand.  “Si, you should talk to your therapist.  She’ll know more about why you’re able to get physically close to me and not Brian.  And why you called me instead of your husband when you were scared,” he added.

She turned her hand over so their fingers linked.  “I know.  I’ll call Dr. Lewis tomorrow,” she assured him.  “I called you because you know me inside and out.  You know what’s going through my mind before I do.”

“Only because I’ve known you since we were babies.  You’re my sister, and one of my best friends. Heck, if you were a man, I’d ask you to be my best man at the wedding,” he told her with a grin.

“That’s right!” She lit up.  “Your wedding’s coming up! I’m so excited for you and Marlena!  You’re going to be so happy together, and I can say, ‘Yes, ladies and gentlemen, ‘twas I that brought them together’.” She grinned at him.  “I’m glad you picked Marlena and not one of those Irish floozies from the pubs who were posing for you all the time.”

He tweaked her nose.  “Some of them were not floozies.  Sinead was a U of Dublin graduate, you know.  She could talk about James Joyce anytime at all.” He wiggled his brows.  “And when I mean anytime, I mean anytime.”

Sienna smacked him.  “Shut up! I do not need to hear about sex with the Irish floozies.” But she couldn’t help but laugh with him.

It felt good to be back to normal with Shane.  All her life, he’d been there for her like no one else had truly been able to.  Liv was her best friend, the woman she could share everything with, but Shane had been her rock from the time when they hadn’t even known how to talk.  Being terrified of him had been horrible because she hadn’t been able to reach out to him and let him comfort her.

“What are you thinking?”

“Hmm?” She looked over at him.  “Oh, nothing.  Just that I’m glad we’re back on the same level again.  I’d missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” he told her.  “Knowing that, that…well, the word ‘man’ is too good for what he was.  That beast.  Knowing what that beast did to you and not being able to talk to you was awful.  But we’re going to be okay now.”  He squeezed her hand reassuringly. “Everything is going to start to get better now.”

Sienna nodded at him, but she couldn’t help wondering if things were ever going to be completely back to normal between her and Brian. She loved him and knew he loved her, but, no matter how much she believed in the power of love to conquer all, she was no longer certain that everything could be fixed with love.

“Yeah, everything’s going to be better now.”

***

“What about a bone marrow transplant?” Brian asked after Kelly’s weeping had subsided.

Wiping the tears off her cheeks, she sighed.  “They think that’s the next route to try.  Of course, I haven’t even told my family yet that I’m here.  That I have leukemia,” she admitted.

His brows shot up.  “Kelly! What the hell were you thinking? Why didn’t you tell them, tell anyone?”

“Because I wasn’t ready to accept it myself,” she told him, looking him dead in the eye with determination gleaming in her eyes.  “There are people that do know what’s going on.  The team over at ABC knows what’s happening, which is why this is all being kept hushed up so well.  I just didn’t want to deal with everyone else’s worry until I could deal with what’s happening to me first.  Please, Brian, can you understand that?”

He was trying to.  Brian remembered how he’d fought the doctors’ diagnosis nearly ten years earlier, terrified to believe that he could die.  He’d kept everything from the other guys, from his family for as long as he could.  When Leighanne had given her ultimatum, he had, out of love for her and fear of losing her in what may have been his last moments, let his family and the world in on the secret.  So, did he understand what Kelly’s dilemma was?  He had to admit that he did.

He gave her a smile, knowing she needed support, not condemnation.  “Yeah, I can understand that,” he assured her.  “But when are you planning on telling your family, so they can start getting tested to see if they could be donors?”

“They’re flying out here tomorrow,” she told him.  “Lia called them, arranged for tickets for them, and told them it was important that I come.  I would have called, but I was having trouble staying awake the last couple days.”

“Why?”

She sighed again.  “It turns out that I’m anemic now.  The chemotherapy combined with the leukemia itself are mutating the new red blood cells that are being produced in my bone marrow and deforming them.  Because of this, they’re able to carry less oxygen throughout my body, so I feel more tired than usual,” she explained.

Hearing her talk was like listening to an anatomy textbook, he thought.  But, God, she was sicker than he could have imagined, and he couldn’t imagine anything happening to her.  Because it won’t, he reminded himself.

“So, who’s Lia?” Brian asked, trying to get off the subject of her health for a moment.

Kelly seemed surprised at the change of topic.  “Uh, I think you met her earlier.  I sent her down to wait for you because only family’s allowed up here.”

He remembered.  “Oh! Okay, got it.  What is she, your assistant?”

Kelly’s reaction was not what he’d expected as she burst out laughing.  “Oh gosh,” she chuckled.  “Lia? My assistant? If she heard that, she’d probably be really offended. Lord, Bri, she’s not my assistant.  Lia’s been like my sister for the last ten years.  She and I have been like you and Nick for the longest time.”

“Oh.” He didn’t know what else to say.  “Um, then I guess it’s good that she’s here to take care of you.”

Kelly nodded.  “Yeah.  I don’t know what I’d do without her.  So, tell me, what the hell happened to your face?”

Remembering the scratches again, he brushed a hand over his cheek lightly.  “Um, you’re not going to believe me if I tell you,” he assured her.

“Try me.”

He sighed.  “You know what happened to Sienna.” She nodded, remembering how he’d called her two days after Sienna’s return and cried it out over the phone.  “Well, she’s been going to a therapist, and I went with her a week ago because the therapist thought it would be good to have a session together…” and he related the rest of that horrible afternoon to her.

When he was done, Kelly reached out and touched his cheek gingerly.  “That’s a lot of damage,” she murmured.  “Have you talked to her about what happened?” The look on his face disappointed her.  “Brian, you need to talk to her.  You told me how important it was for me to tell my family what’s going on, but I think you and Si need to do the same.  When you go home, no matter what happens, sit down and talk it out.”

Brian rubbed his hands over his face wearily.  “I will.  It’s just been hard, but I know we have to talk, eventually.”

“Sooner than later,” she reminded him, and he nodded.

A nurse bustled in then with a tray full of syringes and vials, and, beside him, Kelly groaned softly.

“Ms. Monaco, it’s your favorite time of day,” the nurse greeted her in a cheerful voice, though Brian could tell she was sympathetic towards Kelly.

Kelly sighed exaggeratedly.  “I know, Lisa.” She turned to Brian.  “I am glad you came.  I’ll be here for the foreseeable future, so drop by anytime.”

Brian nodded.  “I’ll try, but, like you said, I have to get back to Sienna and the kids.  I’ll do what I can, though.” He leaned over and kissed her cheek.  “I’ll pray for you, and call me if anything happens, whether it’s the transplant or whatever.  You will get through this,” he said firmly.

She smiled.  “Thanks, Brian.  I’ll see you, then.”

“Yeah,” he murmured, and, with a final look back at her looking so alone in the hospital bed, he hurried out.

When he reached his rental car, his cell phone rang again.  Expecting it to be the guys and remembering that he couldn’t tell anyone what was wrong with Kelly, he glanced down at the caller ID…and frowned.

“Hey, Holly,” he greeted his assistant.

“Brian, hi.  How are things?” she asked, concern apparent.  She knew what had happened with Sienna, as Brian hadn’t been able to completely keep everything from the one person that was paid to know all things Brian Littrell and company.

“Eh,” he shrugged to himself.  “They’re…okay.  Everyday is a new adventure, Holly.”

She sighed.  “Tell me about it.  Listen, Bri,” she began tentatively.  “I have some interesting news for you.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.  Primetime wants to do a special interview with you and Sienna.  Preferably at your home.  They want to talk to the two of you about the kidnapping and the aftermath of it all.”

Brian opened the door of the car and, sliding into the driver’s side, rested his forehead against the steering wheel.  “Holly, I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“I know, Brian.  That’s what I told Primetime, but they claimed that they’d gone through the proper channels and were given the go-ahead.  I told them I’d talk to you and Sienna first,” Holly explained.

So the exposure he had once so badly craved was coming back to haunt him, Brian thought.  Ironic that he was now trying to avoid it at all costs.  Not just for himself, but for his family.  The thing he’d learned, though, was that to keep quiet was to worsen your situation in the world’s eyes. 

“Holly?”

“Yeah, Brian?”

He sighed.  “Tell them I need to talk it over with my wife, and I’ll get back to them through you.  Does that sound good?”

“Yes,” she answered.  “But, Brian, I spoke with Sienna already.  It took her a little while to consider it, but she’s okay with it.”

This was news.  “What?! When did you talk to her?”

“When you didn’t answer your cell in the last couple hours, I went ahead and called her.  She called her therapist, and they agreed that it might actually be good for Sienna to get the whole story out for the world to know.”  Her stressing the word ‘whole’ made him realize Sienna meant to tell the world that she’d been raped.

A headache was brewing at the base of his skull as he tried to figure out why, all of a sudden, Sienna and Dr. Lewis had decided it was time to let the world know about the sexual abuse.  Brian had never intended for anyone to find out, but, now, Sienna was a proponent of the “let’s take it to the media” ideology.  Then again, who was he to stand in her way if it would help her?

“Well then, I guess you can go ahead and tell Primetime that we’ll do the interview.  Thanks, Holly, for letting me know what’s going on.”

“No problem, Brian.  I’ll let you know about scheduling not just for this but I got a call from Johnny an hour ago.  The Boys have cancelled the tour, I hear.”

“Yeah, we have.”

There was a sigh.  “Well, then, are you still planning on going into the studio to record with the guys in July? Or is that being postponed, too?”

“I’m sorry about the scheduling nightmares, hon. I promise, I’m planning on going in to record this summer.  I wouldn’t miss it,” he promised.

“Okay.  Then, I’ll get back to you after I’ve talked to Primetime,” she told him.  “Take care until I talk to you next.”

“You, too, Holly.  You, too,” he murmured.  Hanging up, he closed his eyes and tried to comprehend what was happening to his life. Everything was being taken out of his control no matter how much he tried to control it.  When was his life going to be his?  When was the downward spiral he seemed to be making going to end?  He didn’t know, but he hoped it would be soon.  And that it would end well, God willing, Brian prayed silently.

Opening his eyes, he turned the car on and, thinking of an excuse to give them about Kelly’s hospital stay, drove back to meet the other Boys for dinner.

***

“Thanks, Holly.  No, I understand why he’d be upset, but thank you for letting me know what’s going on.  I’ll talk to you later, then.  Bye.” Sienna hung up the phone and turned to Shane.  “Brian’s not happy about the interview.”

“Can you blame him?” Shane wondered as he tickled a squirming Serena, making her laugh hysterically.

Sienna watched Kara playing with her xylophone for a moment before she answered her cousin. 

“I know I can’t blame him,” she began.  “But, as much as he tries to understand what’s happening and what I’m feeling, he can’t, Shane. I need to do this, and, while I know he’ll go along with it, he won’t be happy.”

“He wants you happy and safe, Si.  Give him a break.”

She gave Shane a mild look.  “I love him, and I’m trying.  Sometimes wanting to make someone happy and doing all you can to ensure that is stifling.  I need to breathe a little, too.  Dr. Lewis and I both think I should talk about it more, and I’m going to start going downtown to the women’s shelter along with these support group meetings.”

“Don’t overdo it.  You’ve only been back a month.  Don’t push yourself,” Shane advised her.

Sienna shrugged.  “I’m doing what I’m comfortable with, and I’m doing this for myself first and for everyone else second.”

“So you think making the man who’s crazy in love with you upset and uncomfortable is going to make you more comfortable?” Shane couldn’t see how doing things that way would help their relationship.

She shook her head.  “Brian loves me, so he’ll eventually understand that I need to do this.  I’m sure once the interview is actually happening, he’ll be okay with it.”

Shane sighed.  “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

As Luke’s cries were heard through the baby monitor, Sienna walked to the doorway of the den, then turned back.  “Trust me, Shane. I’m doing what I know is right.  For me and everyone else.” And she was gone.

Shane looked down at his nieces and sighed again.  “I really hope your mom knows that she’s slowly breaking your dad’s heart by being stubborn old Sienna.  I just hope he can tolerate it all.”

***

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