Chapter 31

Would you spare a minute?
Give me a single chance
To look in your eyes
Let me hold your hands
I want to get close enough,
To read you
Understand you
Open up your heart
Open up your mind
I'm only here to help you learn to love me,
To know me

She took a step back, out of his arms. Then another. Followed by three more.

“Please don’t.” His voice was barely above a whisper and she could hear the emotion that made it waver.

She shook her head. “Why?” It was the only thing she could think to say. Her mind was filled with a buzzing sound, but she could see the confusion, hurt, and, beneath it all, the love in his eyes, spreading across his face.

“You know why,” he reminded her. “It’s been two months, Regan, and I haven’t forgotten or gotten over you because I love you.”

“No.” She shook her head, trying to deny it, trying to prevent her heart from leaping.

He stepped through the door and shut it behind him. The look on his face was serious as he simply watched her.

“Can we sit and talk please?” he asked gently. “There are things we need to talk about.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” she spoke sharply. She ran a hand through her hair, frustrated, terrified, and giddy, all at the same time, that he was there. He was with her again. In defense, her voice was sharp. “We’re over and done, Alex. There’s nothing left to say.”

She watched as the mixture of hurt and anger slowly darkened his eyes. “Maybe you don’t have anything to say, but I have plenty. You never gave me the chance to say it because you left so fast. You left me with no choice, so now I’m leaving you with no choice. We will talk. Now.”

Knowing he wouldn’t give up, she turned away, stalked into the living room, and dropped onto a couch. He followed her and settled into an armchair across from her. Glancing around the room once, taking it in, he looked back at her.

“I like your place.”

She raised a brow. “It’s not rich enough for your taste, I get it. Don’t patronize me.”

He shook his head. Why was she so defensive? She hadn’t been like this when they’d been together. Had she been able to turn off any feelings she may have had for him? Was it that easy for her?

“Chill, Regan. I grew up in a place smaller than this. I really do like your home. It’s got you and Jordan stamped all over it.” He paused. “I’m just going to cut to the chase. You left without giving us a chance to talk things out. Why?”

She gave him a measuring look. “There was nothing to talk about, Alex. I took a good look at where our so-called relationship was heading, and I didn’t see anything. We wouldn’t have lasted because we’ve got two very different lives. It’s not your fault, and it’s not mine. It was fun while it lasted,” she lied.

“Bullshit.”

She stared at him.

“I don’t believe that. I love you, Regan! You know that, and, if you weren’t so stubborn, you’d admit that you love me, too!”

He wanted to break down those barriers that he could see she’d rebuilt. She wasn’t going to let him back in easily, and it was infuriating that she felt the need to have them in place around him. Why couldn’t she accept that he loved her? That she loved him?

“You don’t love me. You never did,” she stated simply.

It was his turn to lift a brow. “Oh, really?”

“Yeah.” She sighed. “Look, when you disappeared after Sienna was brought home, I had some time to think, and I realized a couple things. What happened between us was so fast, so much. It was too quick for me, and there was no way either of us could have fallen in love that easily. It takes more than that.”

“Like what?”

She met his eyes. “Trust, for one.”

“Please.” He snorted. “Don’t tell me you didn’t trust me, that you don’t still trust me because you’ve trusted me with your past, with what that bastard did to you.”

She shrugged. “I told Sienna about it, too. No big deal. Besides, you obviously couldn’t accept what happened. You left for New York as soon as you found out. If you’d cared enough, you would have stayed.”

“Damn it, Regan! I had to go, I didn’t have a choice!” He cursed under his breath, knowing that wasn’t an excuse. “Look, you told me everything that had happened to you, and I just needed time to process it all. When Johnny called, I agreed to go because I needed time to stop being angry. I was afraid for what I might have done had I stayed, especially since I’m not known for a stellar control on my temper.”

“Angry? For what?”

He stared at her. She really didn’t know, did she? “With the bastard who hurt you all those years ago,” he murmured. “What happened to you and Sienna should never happen to anyone, and it made me feel helpless that I couldn’t go back and erase that from your past. And then I realized that I wouldn’t want to because that would mean Jordan wouldn’t exist. I love him, and I can’t imagine not knowing him.”

“Wait.” The word was whispered as she fought the urge to cry. He loved her son? He loved her and Jordan? How could that have happened when he’d only known them for days?

He could see the doubts on her face and leaned forward. “I fell in love with you and your son, Regan. I’m not joking, I’m dead serious. More serious than I’ve ever been in my life. All I want is a chance to prove that to you. I want to prove to you that I love you, and that I can make you happy. That you can love me, too.”

“Why?” The word popped out before she could stop it.

She could see the truth in his eyes, and her heart felt like it would burst out of her chest from happiness. She’d spent two months telling herself that he didn’t love her, that she had just been another woman in his string of ladies. Now, here he was, looking at her with such love, such affection in his eyes that she knew it was true. She was afraid to hope, to reach out because she knew that if it fell apart she wouldn’t be able to handle it.

“Why what? Why do I love you and need you to love me?” he wondered. His smile flashed. “I spent some time thinking about it, too. Why would I want to be in love with a prickly, stubborn woman who goes out of her way to make my life hell?” She couldn’t help but smile at that description of herself. He smiled back. “Because she’s got a huge heart, so much compassion, dedication, and gives of herself constantly. Or maybe it’s because she’s got a great smile and a way of making me feel secure and happy when I’m around her. Or the fact that I can’t imagine my life without her and her amazing son.” He paused, and the smile disappeared. “I felt like I found my family when I was with you and Jordan. Like I found where I was meant to be, Regan, and I can’t lose you. Please, don’t let me lose you.”

Hope was a caged bird battering itself against the bars in her heart. She did love him, trust him, need him, and she couldn’t see her life without him, either. She knew Jordan loved him, and that AJ would be good for her son, too. But…

“You’re the first man I was with after—after what happened all those years ago,” she began. “I want to say yes to you so badly. You have to know that, Alex. I want to give you my heart and trust you with my son and me. I do trust you, already. But I need to be selfish. You gave me the confidence I needed to know that I can be with a man again, but I’m afraid that if I take this chance with you, I’ll miss out on something else. I finally feel free,” she whispered. “I needed the boost being with you gave me, and I’m ready to live.”

Hope was becoming elusive as he realized that she was right. The bastard who’d abused her hadn’t given her a choice, and she’d been busy raising a child since she was twenty. She’d never been able to cut loose and experience life the way she should have been able to, and he wanted her to have that. Though part of him wanted to cry out against it, he knew that her happiness was more important to him than anything. And though it was killing him, he could understand her reasoning.

“Is there someone else?” he wondered, breathing shakily at the idea of her with another man.

Regan thought of Jack and smiled. “Maybe,” she murmured, then shook her head. “It’s not about another man, Alex. It’s about”

“Choices. Being able to make them and not being dictated to do what you should or shouldn’t do,” he whispered, his heart slowly breaking.

“Exactly! I don’t want to hurt you, AJ, but I need to do this for myself. I know you love me, I believe it, but I need to do things for myself first. I need time, and more than just the last two months,” she added quickly. “I care about you so much, and I need you to believe that. If it turns out that you and I are really what I want, then I’ll take that chance. But I don’t want to regret us—what I said in that letter, I meant it. I don’t want to be with you and think of what could have been if I hadn’t…” she trailed off.

AJ nodded. He understood, and, deep down, he knew it would hurt him worse if she stayed with him and regretted it. If he knew that he was the reason that she hadn’t been able to be and do what she wanted.

“Okay.”

She looked up at him. “Okay?”

“Yeah, I understand. Whatever makes you happy, I’m all for it, Regan. I love you, and I don’t want to regret us, and I don’t ever want you to be unsure of us. So take your choices and go for it.” He tried to squash the pain he felt speaking each word. The smile spreading across her features made it worth it, he knew.

“I got an offer from a prestigious private investigations firm,” she told him excitedly and watched surprise flash across his face.

“Private, huh? I thought you liked the Bureau?”

She shook her head. “I do, but I think this is one of those choices I’m getting to make. I’ve been thinking about it, and I might take it. I’d get to pick my cases and spend more time with Jordan than I’ve been able to in the last six years.”

He had to smile. He was happy that things were happening in her life that made her happy. “I’m glad. I really am,” he told her. “Whatever you’re getting, you deserve it. You’ve worked damned hard, and it’s all paying off.”

“Yeah,” she nodded. “AJ…”

His eyes met hers, and she could see the uncertainty and sadness under the happiness he was feeling for her. She felt guilty.

“I need you to know that, no matter what happens, I’ll always care about you. You’ve got a special place in my heart, and I’ll never forget what you mean to me. I hope we can be friends,” she offered.

He wanted to laugh. The cliché? He was going to be friends with the woman he was desperately in love with? The one woman he’d waited for his entire life, and they were going to be friends. He knew Fate was laughing at him and cursed it.

“Sure,” he replied. “What the hell, we’ll be friends. It’ll be easy to do, too.”

She frowned. “What do you mean?”

He sighed. “I bought a house in Georgetown. I thought you and Jordan would like it and want to move in with me. You know, so we could be a family.” He shrugged. “I’m still going to move into it because I love the place, but I’m hoping you’ll bring Jordan by sometimes.”

He’d bought a house? He’d bought a house and wanted to live in it with her and Jordan, and she was letting him go? What was wrong with her? Regan sighed inwardly. She was doing what was best for her. She really did want to give herself the chance for more, and, if she and AJ were truly meant, then she’d be happy with that. Until she knew…

“Yeah.” She smiled. “Jordan’s missed you, and I’ll definitely bring him by. I’m curious about the house, too,” she added.

“It’s open for the two of you whenever,” he invited. Knowing that if he sat in the room with her much longer he’d probably start bawling, he stood. “I should get going. I have a furniture delivery coming in an hour.” He smiled. “Tell Jordan I said hey. Hopefully, I’ll see you soon.”

He turned to leave and had made it to the front door when she stopped him.

“AJ.” She waited until he was looking at her. “My godparents are having a dinner thing on Friday, and I’d like you to come with Jordan and me. My mother’s told them about you and the others, so they’re curious about you. You’ll get to meet my dad, too.” She smiled a little. “So, will you come?”

Dinner with her father and godparents? He knew that being eaten alive by termites would probably be more enjoyable than an entire evening by her side, knowing he couldn’t have her, but he’d do it. For no other reason than he’d get to see Jordan and be near Regan.

“Sure. Just let me know when,” he added and, opening the door, he was gone.

I need a hook so you won't be the one that got away
I need a look that stuns ya, makes you wanna stay.
Don't wanna speak in case it comes out wrong
Don't wanna blink cause in a second you could be gone
I need a twist to help me turn, turn this story round.
I need a bridge to cross this dangerous ground
Meet me in the middle like I want you, too.
I gotta find your heart to shoot my arrow through

***

Regan rested her forehead against the door AJ had closed behind him and mentally kicked herself.

She felt free?! She wanted to “live”?! What was wrong with her? The man she was in love with had shown up at her door, told her he still loved her, he loved her son, had bought them a house in a gorgeous area of the city…Oh, God. He’d relocated his life from Los Angeles to Washington, DC—a part of the country he’d never lived in before. And, even though she had turned him down, he was still going to stay. He was still going to hang onto the hope that she would one day love him.

Well, damn it! She loved him now! And what had she done to show him that she did love him? She’d told him that she needed time to push herself out there and find out what else she could do, could be. If that wasn’t the stupidest thing she’d ever heard herself say, well, then, pigs were probably flying.

She peeked through the window, just in case, she told herself, pigs really had managed to fly. Because she had just done the most idiotic thing she could possibly imagine. What would she tell Jordan?

“Hey, honey. AJ dropped by today and said he bought the three of us a house. He wants us to be a family, just like you wanted, but I told him that it wasn’t going to work. How does that sound?”

Bah. Her son would be crushed.

It wasn’t as though she hadn’t ever thought about the fact that AJ was the one and only man she’d ever truly made love with, that he was the first to really break through her barriers and into her heart and soul. She had thought of it and, thinking that they were over and done, she’d convinced herself that he’d really helped her become more open to everything life could offer her. She’d come to this conclusion when she’d decided, the night before, that she would take the job in the PI firm. It was part of her then-hatched the “New Regan” plans. But that had been before the man of her dreams had shown up on her doorstep and offered her the world.

And she’d declined, Regan thought, making her way towards the kitchen and sinking into a chair. She’d told him she needed to discover what it was she really wanted…well, she really wanted Alexander James McLean. And, of course, if she went to him right this instant and told him so, he’d turn her down. Not because he didn’t love her, but because he truly wanted her happy. She’d led him on to believe that she needed to find her happiness, when, the truth was, she’d already found it.

What a mess she’d made. She didn’t know how else to fix it either, except to just give herself a few weeks and then go find him. Convince him that he was the one she needed. Then again, maybe she had been speaking the truth when she’d said she needed to find herself. She’d found AJ, but, maybe, she needed to figure out who Regan was before she gave herself to him. Thinking that made her feel more positively about the situation.

“Maybe I’ll let loose and have some fun,” she thought aloud, the thought of Jack making her smile a little. Maybe it was time to give in and have fun, too.

Her life had been planned by and for her right down to the last detail since she was born. Everything had gone according to those plans, except for Jordan. Eventually, though, even Jordan had fit into those plans. Everything had, except for AJ. Of course, that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Who knew what could happen? It could be fun. Regan shrugged to herself. Spontaneity was actually starting to look like the way to go, even though it had never been her course before.

Regan smiled. It looked like it was finally time to shove those plans to the side and let her whims take control of her life.

***

“Open up please.”

Regan did as the physician instructed and nearly gagged as the cotton swab was swept across her tonsils.

“Ugh. Why do doctors feel the need to make patients want to vomit?” she wondered.

Her doctor smiled back and shook her head. “It’s because we’d rather hurt you and find out the problem, rather than letting you suffer. It makes sense to us,” she added.

Regan shook her head. “So, any ideas on what’s been making me feel sick?”

The doctor consulted her chart as she sent the cotton swab off to the lab with a nurse. “Well, let’s see. I really doubt you’ve got anything viral or bacterial, mostly because you have no fever. But, I could be wrong. So,” she smiled at her patient. “When was the last time you had sex?”

Her brows shot up. “Why does that matter?”

“Regan, I’m your doctor. I’ve been your doctor for the last ten years, and I know you hadn’t been with anyone for years. Not since before your son was born. However, I think that might have changed recently. So, I’ll ask again. When was the last time you had sex?”

Regan sighed. “Two months ago. It was only a couple times, and I really doubt that I’m pregnant.”

“So you used protection?”

Shit. She tried to remember. They had, hadn’t they? “I’m pretty sure,” she answered.

Her doctor lifted a brow. “Uh huh. Okay, well, I’m going to need a urine sample and run a blood test real quick just to rule out the possibility of pregnancy. Of course, pregnancy would explain you feeling ill and vomiting, you know,” she added as she pulled out the requisite urine collection container and asked the nurse to run a blood test.

Regan went through the routine and tried not to think of what it would mean if she was pregnant. She’d told AJ that she was ready to live life the way she wanted to, and she’d spent a lot of time thinking about Jack. She’d decided to take her chances and had surprised him by agreeing to a date that morning. She smiled a little as she remembered how his jaw had dropped. After two years of begging, he’d come to expect the no, but a yes was unbelievable to him. After laughing a little, she’d agreed to dinner with him that Saturday, thinking that she could leave Jordan with AJ.

Jordan had been overjoyed to find out that AJ was living in the area, and he’d begged his mother to take him to the new house the night before. She’d had to deny his request because she’d quite simply no idea where the house was. Tomorrow night, she thought, she’d ask AJ about his new place and take Jordan over on Saturday. She was thrilled that Jordan had such wonderful men in his life. First Jack, and now AJ.

“Well, Regan,” her doctor began, coming back into the room. “We ran a test on the urine sample and the blood work was sent off to a lab. However, I can tell you the good news. Or, at least, what I think is good news.”

As she listened, Regan didn’t know whether to be happy or terrified of what this new development meant. But one thought kept circling in her mind.

AJ.

Lyrics from “The One That Got Away” Natasha Bedingfield

***

Next

Back to index