Chapter 32

With one light on

In one room

I know you’re up

When I get home

He watched as she sighed. Again. She’d been staring into the mug in front of her, seeming to see something in its depth, for the past twenty minutes. At least, she’d been doing it for the twenty minutes that he’d been watching her. He wondered what was going through her mind.

She’d withdrawn, more so than had become normal in the past few months, and, now, he didn’t know how to reach her. There was a shield around her that was constantly up, and, the only time he’d seen it lowered was when she was around Shane. Or when she was with their children and didn’t know he was watching them.

She sighed again, and another chip broke off of his heart. Their lines of communication, that everyone had insisted remain open, had closed down almost completely. After the announcement of the interview date and his return to Kentucky, Sienna had begun working longer hours at the shop and, when she wasn’t at the shop, she’d hole up in the greenhouse. Of course, at night, he was still sleeping in that damned guestroom, while she was in their room.

Brian couldn’t stand the distance and needed to get rid of it. The tension was killing him day by day, and he needed to know if she felt the same way. Maybe she did, he thought. After all, she was sitting in the kitchen at three in the morning, staring into a mug.

When she sighed again, he stepped into the kitchen.

“Sienna?”

Her head whipped around, and he found himself staring into fatigued, hazel eyes.

“Brian? What are you doing up?” she wondered at the same time as she hoped he would stay near the door. His presence was unnerving, considering the fact that she’d been avoiding him, afraid of what he might say about her ability to reconnect with Shane and not her husband.

He shrugged and moved towards the refrigerator to grab water. “I woke up thirsty and decided to get water,” he explained. Taking a sip, he turned to look at her. “Why are you up, baby? Is everything okay?”

“Yes, of course, everything’s fine. I just couldn’t sleep,” she said quickly. Too quickly.

He narrowed his eyes, studying her tired eyes and the worry that seemed to reside on her face. “You’re worried.”

It was a statement, and she tried to figure out a way around the truth. “About what?”

He shrugged again. “I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?” He waited a beat. “It’s the interview, isn’t it?” The look on her face confirmed it. “Sienna, you can still back out of it,” he assured her gently. “We can call them and tell them we decided not to do it yet.”

She could feel the annoyance brewing in her. “I am not worried about the interview. In fact, it’s the furthest thing from my mind. If I agreed to doing the interview, signed the contract, went over all the things I will and won’t answer…I’ve done everything possible to ensure this interview will go smoothly!” She had to stop herself, reminding herself that becoming hysterical was not going to fix anything.

Brian simply watched her. “Sienna. You need time to recover. It’s only been a few months since it happened. Don’t overdo your rush to get over it because something like this takes time to get past. The interview isn’t until next week, so there’s still time to call it off.”

She stood now and faced him, annoyance clear in her eyes. “Listen up, Brian. I was the one raped, I am the one going to therapy to get over everything. If I say I’m ready to do this interview, it means I’m ready to do this interview.”

“I just want you happy and secure, Sienna,” he began but was cut off.

“Damn it, Brian! I know that! But you’re so overbearing about it! Every time we talk about this, it always comes down to you telling me to back off from doing what I need to do! You didn’t experience what I did, you don’t live inside my head, so how the hell would you know what I need to do or not do?!” She was nearly shouting and knew she should calm down.

Brian was starting to get angry, too. “How the hell am I supposed to know what you do or don’t need when you never talk to me? You avoid me like I’m the plague! We don’t talk anymore, we haven’t talked for weeks! And when we have talked, it’s about the kids, about Howie and Liv’s son, about anything and everything but you and me! Don’t tell me I’m overbearing because I’m just concerned about your well-being and your happiness. I’m trying to help, and you’re making it damn near impossible to do that! So I’m sorry if I’m so goddamned overbearing when all I’m really trying to do is help you!”

Sienna counted to ten in her head, trying to calm down. When she had, she took a deep breath and tried to collect her thoughts. She knew he was trying to help her, but she couldn’t take the pitying looks from him anymore. Oh, she knew he didn’t know that he was looking at her like that, but she needed him to be more than that. What more than that entailed, she didn’t know at the moment. But it definitely wasn’t what he’d been doing.

So what that he’d actually figured out what she was worried about? She didn’t need him to know that he’d been right about her questioning her decision to go through with the interview. She loved him, but she didn’t want to deal with a smug Brian, even if he’d never give her the requisite “I told you so”.

“You know what, Brian? I don’t want to fight right now. In fact, I can’t think about this right now. I’m going to bed, and I think we both just need to give each other time and space to think through whatever it is we’re feeling.”

Not waiting for his reply, Sienna put her half-filled mug of coffee in the sink and left the kitchen, leaving Brian to stare after her, not knowing what to do or think. They hadn’t resolved anything because she’d put that damned shield up again. More time and space?! That’s all they’d had in the past few weeks, and she needed more?

Sinking into the chair she’d vacated, Brian tried to figure out what he was doing wrong. Regan had said to give her space, so he’d given her space. Dr. Lewis and Kelly had told him to talk to her, and he had talked to her. Nothing good resulted from either move, but he didn’t know what else to do.

What it came down to, Brian was slowly realizing, was trust. Her trust in the male of the human species had been destroyed, and he was feeling the aftereffects of it. What terrified him more than that, was the fact that she might never rebuild that trust. Where would that leave him? Where would that leave them and their marriage, their family?

He couldn’t think about it at the moment, either, Brian knew. So, he would put it aside and hope that whatever came next wouldn’t be as bad as what had already come.

***

If you were a king up there on your throne
Would you be wise enough to let me go
For this queen you think you own

“Regan! Jordan!”

Regan braced herself for Diane Harrison’s crushing hug and grinned when it came. The woman might have popped some of Regan’s lungs, but she knew that it was all about the love when it came to the woman she considered her second mother.

Stepping into the Harrison home, Regan gestured towards AJ, who’d cautiously followed her. “Diane, this is AJ. AJ, this is my godmother, Diane.”

Diane measured up the young man in front of her, taking in everything from his various piercings and slightly unkempt hair to the tattoos half-covered by his sleeves. As she watched him, AJ tried not to squirm under the scrutiny. He’d actually combed his hair, taken out some of the earrings, was wearing glasses as opposed to his sunglasses, and had made sure to wear clothing that was mostly intact and what one would expect a man of nearly thirty to wear. He hoped it would be good enough for Regan’s godparents, sister, and parents.

Finally, Diane smiled and extended a hand. “It’s nice to meet you, AJ. If you don’t mind my asking, what do those initials stand for?”

AJ grinned back and shook her hand lightly. “It’s good to meet you, too. My whole name’s Alexander James, so AJ was always just a nickname. My family and friends call me Alex, though.”

She nodded. “Alex it is. Regan dear,” Diane turned to her godchild. “Your parents and sister are already here. You’re nearly half an hour late!”

Regan cringed, remembering the older woman’s notorious punctuality. “I’m sorry. I know. It’s just”

“I got lost,” AJ cut in. He smiled sheepishly when Diane’s gaze turned to him. “I’m awful with directions, so I had to call Regan and have her find me. I hope it didn’t ruin any plans,” he added.

Diane watched him for a moment then shook her head. “It’s no problem. Why don’t we go on in and get you two settled in? I bet Jordan’s already found the new game system Aidan left for him,” she added.

“Aidan was home? When? Where was I?” Regan wondered, thinking of the Harrisons’ only child and one of her oldest friends.

Diane shook her head. “He was here a few weeks ago, but only for a day. He’s back in Japan, working on some other system.”

“Your son designs gaming systems?” AJ couldn’t help but ask, Nick popping up in his mind.

Diane smiled. “Yes, he does. He’s always been fond of video games and computer software, so he combined the two and lives in Japan, now. My son is so wrapped up in video games, it’s no wonder he doesn’t have the time to settle down and give me those grandbabies I want.”

Regan sighed. “Diane, Aidan hasn’t found a woman he loves because he hasn’t met her yet. It’ll happen one day.”

“What will happen one day?” Will looked up as his wife, Regan, and AJ entered the living room. “Regan! You’re here. Diane was about ready to call the police because you were late.”

“We had to remind her that we, as the FBI, are probably better equipped to handle that, though,” James added, all the while his eye on his daughter’s guest.

Regan knew the looks on her father and godfather’s faces as they stared at AJ, but, before she could say anything, her sister beat her to it.

“Oh, wow. Mom told me Regan had snagged herself a celebrity, but I didn’t realize exactly who it was,” Callie grinned hugely at AJ. Popping up, she stuck out her hand. “I’m Callie, Regan’s sister. I never thought I’d ever be in the same room as a Backstreet Boy.”

AJ took her hand. “It’s great to meet you. Trust me, a couple weeks ago, I didn’t think I’d ever get to meet you or the rest of Regan’s family, either.” He let go of her hand and went over to shake James and Will’s hands, introducing himself.

Callie shook her head and looked over at Regan. “Why the hell did you let this one go?”

“Because Fate told me to. Besides, I didn’t think Dad would approve of him. You don’t approve do you, Daddy?” Regan watched her father struggle to find the polite words to say.

“I don’t even know the man, Regan.” James looked over at AJ, who was now sitting between Callie and Rebecca. “I know you sing for a living, but do you do anything besides that?”

Let’s not beat around the bush, AJ thought. “I produce music, work with new singers, and spend time in alcohol and drug rehabilitation centers with the patients.”

“Rehab?” Will wondered. “What prompted you to spend time there? Why not in a hospital?”

AJ shook his head. “I work with rehab patients because I was one, so I know what they’re going through. It makes me feel as though I’m doing something useful when I sit with them and help them talk about their addictions.”

“You were in rehab?” James couldn’t believe his daughter’s taste. He didn’t consider himself a snob, but, if this man was to be a part of his grandchild’s life, he wanted to make sure it wouldn’t be detrimental for Jordan.

AJ nodded. “For alcohol, depression, and anxiety. I’ve been sober for over four years, and I feel hopeful about the future.”

Callie patted his knee. “I remember when that all went down. I have to say, as a fan, I’m proud that you got yourself all cleaned up. Not everyone is successful enough to break the addiction and take the hard road out of it.” She sent her father a look.

James sent her a look right back. “Well, of course, it’s a noble thing you’ve done. It takes someone strong to be able to admit to having an addiction, but it takes someone even stronger to live clean for the rest of his or her life.”

Regan rolled her eyes. Why was her father giving AJ such a difficult time when she wasn’t even dating the guy?

“Dad, I think what AJ’s done is commendable, and I have a feeling he means to follow through on what he’s begun.”

“Alex!”

The adults turned as Jordan entered the room and leapt into AJ’s arms. “What are you doing here? When did you come? I knew you’d come!”

AJ held Jordan close in a hug and felt relieved, as he knew all was not lost if Jordan was so easily able to forgive him.

“Hey pal. I came with your mom; she said you came a while ago with your Aunt Callie.” AJ leaned back to study the grin on Jordan’s face. “I’m glad to see you again. I hope the math’s been going well,” he added, remembering what had bonded the two in the first place.

Jordan’s grin widened. “I forgot the long division but then I remembered what you showed me and I got an A on it!”

He hugged AJ again as his grandparents, aunt, and the Harrisons watched, awed. Jordan had never been so openly adoring with anyone but his mother, but, here he was, heaping love onto a man he’d known for less than a week.

Suddenly, Jordan pulled away. “You left us. You left Mom and me before I got to say goodbye. Why did you leave? Don’t you love us anymore?”

Regan shut her eyes as her family’s gaze landed on AJ and Jordan, waiting for AJ’s words. She laid a hand over her stomach and hoped the whole thing wouldn’t become more difficult than it already was.

AJ ruffled Jordan’s hair then met the child’s gaze. “I had to leave because something important for my work came up. I was hoping that you’d still be there when I got back, but you were already gone. I’m sorry, buddy. I really wanted you to stay with me because I do love you and your mom.” AJ paused, knowing everyone’s eyes were on him. He didn’t care, though, because all that mattered was centered on Jordan.

“How much?” Jordan asked.

AJ frowned. “How much what?”

“How much do you love us?”

AJ smiled at that. The answer was easy. “I love you and your mom more than I thought I could ever love anyone, Jordan. It makes me feel so happy that I want to go around smiling at everyone and everything, and nothing could ever make me upset as long as I love the two of you. Can you understand that?” Jordan looked confused and shook his head. “Okay, think of how much you love your mom. Can you imagine living your life without your mom?”

Jordan’s gaze swung to Regan, who was watching him and AJ, one hand pressed to her belly. “No.”

AJ nodded. “That’s how I feel about you and Regan, kid. I’ve got all this love inside me for you.” He rested a hand over his heart. “I promise you, no matter what happens, I’ll always feel that way, and I’ll never leave again without telling you. I’ll always be here if you need to hang out or do math homework,” he added with a grin.

“You live in California,” Jordan reminded him. “We won’t be able to do math homework if you’re far away.”

AJ shook his head. “I’ve got a house here, now. I’m going to stay close, Jordan. That way, you can come over whenever you want. How’s that sound?”

Jordan grinned and launched himself back into AJ’s arms. “Yes! It’s awesome! I’m so excited!”

Over Jordan’s shoulder, AJ met Regan’s eyes and watched them fill with tears, though there was a smile on her face. Before he could say anything, Diane stood up and looked at her goddaughter.

“That’s so lovely. I’m glad you and Jordan have someone so wonderful in your lives to love you. I always knew it would be someone unique enough to have a—what’s that on your neck, dear?” she asked AJ.

He grinned as Jordan craned his neck to see the tattoo. “A flaming skull. Rebellious, I know.”

“Well, not so rebellious. I think my son has something close to that on his arm that he thinks I don’t know about,” she told him. “Exactly how many tattoos do you have?”

“Several more,” Regan said, then stopped.

Diane turned to look at her, a mischievous look in her eyes. “Regan, dear, would you mind helping me get everything ready so we can eat? I think everyone’s famished.”

“I can help,” Callie offered.

Diane shook her head. “Oh, no, dear. You’re in charge of making certain my husband and your father don’t interrogate poor Alex to pieces. Rebecca, Regan, and I will take care of everything.” She turned and headed out of the room.

Regan knew she was expected to follow, so, avoiding AJ’s gaze, she followed her mother into the kitchen. Callie might be protecting AJ, but who would protect her from her mother and Diane’s unrelenting questions?

***

“The man’s a jewel, and you’re keeping him at arm’s length?! Regan, I know you know better!”

Regan rolled her eyes. Diane and her mother had been taking turns berating her for her total loss of judgement when it came to her life and AJ. It had been at least fifteen minutes, and the table was certainly set, so Regan wondered how much longer the two women would continue to interrogate her.

“Okay, stop.” She held up a hand. “Can I actually try to get a word in now that the two of you have basically told me how unfair, unthinking, impossibly stubborn, and ridiculously foolish I am being in not running into Alex’s arms?”

Her mother sighed, while Diane merely crossed her arms. “We’re listening.”

Rolling her eyes again, Regan tried to figure out what exactly to say. “Look, I’ve known him all of about a month. For the first half of that month, we argued over how I was or wasn’t doing my job properly. The second half, we developed a very haphazard relationship, which didn’t include my ever telling him about Jordan. Until, of course, you, Mom, showed up on the Littrells’ doorstep with him, and everything got kinda out of control from there. He tells me he loves me, but I really don’t know what the foundation of that love is,” Regan lied. Of course, she knew what it was, but she wasn’t about to tell them that.

Her mother sighed again. “Are you telling us that Alex doesn’t really love you? That he’s somehow deluded himself into thinking he’s in love with you? Really, Regan. The man is nearly thirty years old, and I think he knows what he wants, needs, and loves. You and Jordan have someone who wants to love you and take care of you. What is so wrong about letting yourself fall so he’ll catch you?”

Loss of control over my life? Regan thought, then shook her head at herself. She trusted AJ without hesitation and knew that, with him, she’d never feel as though she had no control over her own life.

“Hey! Where’s dinner? I thought you ladies were getting everything together,” James said, strolling into the kitchen, followed by Callie, AJ, Jordan, and Will.

Diane shot Regan one last look before turning to everyone and smiling. “Dinner is absolutely ready,” she told them and gestured towards the dining room.

As the group moved into the adjoining room, Regan tried not to let her mother’s words affect her. If she was honest with herself, she could admit that there was no one but AJ that she had ever trusted enough to be there to catch her if she “fell”. After all, hadn’t he been there to comfort her, to just hold her when she’d been suffering from stress?

Thinking that it was best to argue that over with herself later, she slipped into the dining room and settled into a seat as far away from AJ as she could be. She didn’t trust herself around him anymore, not after the way he’d laid his heart out on the line and made her cry. Besides, there were rampant hormones running through her—who knew what she could do and be embarrassed by later?

***

Dinner had gone as well as could be managed with no one bringing up AJ and Regan’s non-relationship/relationship. He had done most of the talking, as everyone else wanted to hear the wilder side of touring for a living. Both James and Will had discussed the ways security could be better worked in order to avoid hairy encounters with some rabid fans. After all, they knew how the Secret Service worked, didn’t they?

Smiling to herself over that conversation, Regan waited for the door to open and grinned as she heard the sound of her son’s footsteps. How would he feel, she wondered, if he knew that he would no longer be an only child? Probably well, Regan decided as Jordan flung open the door and grinned up at her.

“Do we have to go home, now? Can’t we stay longer?” were the first words she heard from him and laughed.

“Honey, I’ve got work tomorrow, and you have one, last day of school to go to in the morning. You can’t miss the last day of third grade, you know,” she told him.

Jordan pouted and turned to AJ when he appeared behind him in the doorway. “Mom says I have to go to school tomorrow,” he whined.

AJ looked down into Jordan’s face, willing him to convince his mother otherwise, then up at Regan’s face, which clearly said, “You’ll never win.” He shrugged.

“Sorry, kid. Your mom’s right. You’ll never have another last day of third grade in your life. You gotta do what you gotta do. Besides,” he began before Jordan could protest, “I think your mom’s pretty smart. She knows what’s good for you, you know.”

Jordan sighed and looked down at his feet, miserable. “I know. I just wanted to stay and hang out with you and the dogs. Besides, I had fun beating you at video games.”

“Hey!” AJ tried to look offended. “I let you win, buddy. You didn’t win because you’re better.”

As she listened to her son and AJ battle it out over who was the better video gamer, Regan smiled to herself. Jordan had spent nearly every night since the past Saturday at AJ’s home, and AJ obviously loved having him there. Though it made her love the man even more, she knew things had gotten a bit more complicated. Not thinking about it, her hand found its way to rest over her lower abdomen as she thought about the events of the past few days.

She’d gone out with Jack on Saturday when she’d left Jordan with AJ. AJ hadn’t asked her where she was going, and Regan didn’t think she had the courage to explain that she’d been out with another man, one she obviously didn’t love. She didn’t think she could stand to see hurt in his eyes, and she’d decided to keep dating Jack as quiet as possible.

Of course, no one but Regan and her doctor knew about the other piece to the messy puzzle of her life. She didn’t know how she would break the news to anyone, not just AJ. How to explain to those who loved you and knew you well that you were carrying the child that you’d created with the man you loved but were still dating another man? Somehow, she imagined that lecture would be more painful than any of the others she’d received that concerned AJ. She knew she had to tell him about the pregnancy, how could she not? But she didn’t know how she’d do it.

Later, she told herself and turned to AJ and Jordan.

“Hey, hon! We have to get going, now,” she said firmly. She looked up at AJ. “Thanks for taking him again. I know we’ve been imposing on your time”

“I don’t consider spending time with loved ones an imposition,” he interrupted her. “It’s never going to be a problem for me to hang out with Jordan,” he added, ruffling Jordan’s hair. “But, your mom’s right, kid. It’s time for you to get home and hit the hay.”

“Hit the hay?” Jordan giggled.

AJ grinned. “It means the same thing as going to bed. It’s something Brian and Kevin say a lot.” He shrugged. “It’s a southern thing.”

Jordan nodded. “Okay. Thanks for letting me hang out and beat you at video games. Can I come back tomorrow?”

Regan sighed, but AJ nodded back. “Absolutely! Come by anytime. You’ve got the whole summer ahead of you to chill with me.”

“Thanks! I’ll go get in the car, Mom,” Jordan told Regan and, giving AJ a hug, dashed to the car.

Regan watched him go and get settled into the car, securing his seatbelt. When she turned back to AJ, he had a distant look on his face, as though he wasn’t really watching Jordan but was seeing something else.

“What’re you thinking?” she asked.

He blinked then looked over at her. “Huh? Oh.” He was quiet for a moment. “Brian and Sienna’s interview was taped tonight, and I know Brian was not happy going into it. I hope everything works out for them.”

Regan sighed. She’d stayed out of Brian and Sienna’s lives, mostly because she didn’t want to be a constant reminder of what had happened to them. However, Sienna had taken to calling her every so often to just talk about anything. Regan knew there were some problems between the Littrells, but she hoped they were working towards solving them. Unfortunately, from AJ’s tone, she didn’t think they were making progress.

“They’ll work it out between them,” she assured AJ. “They love each other, and it’s going to get them through whatever obstacles are to come. Sienna needs to do this, and the fact that Brian is still going through with it is important to her.”

“I hope so,” he murmured.

Because she knew he was worried about his friends and seemed as though he needed it, Regan reached out and hugged him.

“Everything always works out for the best,” she murmured. Leaning back, she squeezed his hand, but, when she tried to turn to head towards her car, he held onto her hand. When she turned back to him, he watched her with an intense look in his eyes.

“AJ?”

He shook his head. “I love you, Regan. I’m trying to hope for the best and that things will work out, but I hope you’re doing the same. I just need you to know, no matter what happens, that I will always love you.”

She tried to shake it off but found herself mentally holding the words close, depositing them in her heart.

“I have to go,” she whispered.

He sighed. “I know.”

When he let go of her hand, she managed a small smile, then headed to her son—the one man she knew she’d always be able to love without grief or doubt shadowing it.

For the crown you've placed upon my head feels too heavy now
And I don't know what to say to you but I'll smile anyhow
And all the time I'm thinking, thinking

I want to be a hunter again
I want to see the world alone again
to take a chance on life again
So let me go.

Lyrics from “Hunter” by Dido

***

Next

Back to index