Chapter 33

Mac Jenkins bolted out of bed and grabbed the Louisville Slugger he’d had since he had first moved out of his parents’ home to live on his own. There was a banging sound coming from the front of his home, and he hoped that, at three in the morning, anyone trying to burgle a house and making a lot of noise doing it was not the sharpest tool in the shed.

As he made his way through his townhouse, his gaze swept around to make sure there wasn’t anyone in the shadows, waiting to attack him. The banging sound appeared to have come from his door, so he crept towards the now-silent entryway.

When he opened the door, his jaw dropped, and he stared for long moments at the man passed out on his porch. This was unbelievable, unthinkable, and he had to pinch himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. When the pain radiated through his arm, he sighed and, setting the Slugger aside, knelt to help carry his friend into the living room.

“Good thing he’s shorter and lighter than me,” Mac muttered. “Otherwise, I might just leave his ass in the foyer.”

When he’d laid his friend on a couch, Mac tucked a blanket around him then watched the sleeping man for a moment. He was obviously alive and didn’t look any worse for the wear. What worried him the most, though, was not the fact that he was here, but the fact that he’d obviously gotten drunk—something extremely uncharacteristic of him.

Knowing there was nothing more he could do at the moment, Mac shook his head and trudged back to his own bed. Morning was soon enough to deal with this problem.

***

“As long as you love me, I don’t care who you are, where you’re from…”

Brian jerked up and looked around for the source of the sound. Blinking through bleary eyes and trying to think over the pounding headache, he realized he didn’t quite know where he was. What was starting to make itself certain through the pain he was feeling, though, was that his cell phone was ringing.

He pulled it out of his pocket and grimaced. “Gotta change the damn ringtone,” he muttered and flipped it open. “Hello?” His voice felt and sounded gravelly and stuck in his throat. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Hello?”

“Brian! Hey!”

He frowned. “Uh…”

There was a laugh. “Brian, it’s Kelly. Where are you?”

Good question, he thought, glancing around and trying to remember what he’d been doing the night before and where he could possibly be now.

“Hey, Kelly. Sorry, I’m a little out of it. What’s up?”

“I called your house a little while ago,” she began. “Si told me you weren’t home and that I should just call your cell to find you. I just wanted to find out how things went last night.”

Last night? Another good question. “Uh…things were fine.” Weren’t they? He couldn’t quite remember.

“Really?” She sounded surprised. “I talked to you yesterday before the taping, and you were freaking out because you had no idea what was going to happen. That and you still didn’t want to do the interview because you and Si had an argument last week and hadn’t talked since then. Is any of that ringing a bell, pal?”

His stomach dropped to his feet. The interview had been last night, and it had gone…horribly. All of a sudden, he felt like crawling back under the covers and never coming out. That interview was going to be played across the country in a week, and he’d rather be tossed to a pool of sharks than be around after it aired.

“Uh, yeah. Ha. Interview.”

She’d known him long enough to catch onto the hesitancy in his voice. “What happened?”

Brian sighed. “Things went about the way I expected, Kel. It’s not something I really want to think about until it airs. Is it okay if we don’t talk about it, right now?”

She was silent a moment. “Ok. I’m worried, Bri. Sienna wouldn’t say much more than it was fine, but she sounded a little happier than you do. Bri, you know you can tell me what’s bothering you, right?”

He knew that, but he just didn’t want to think about it at the moment. His head was pounding, and there was still a dried mud pie in his mouth. Brian knew the signs of a hangover, though it had been years since he’d actually experienced them. At the moment, he didn’t want to think about anything more than sliding back into sleep and oblivion. Away from everything that had caused him to sink into a bottle of—God, he couldn’t even remember what he’d drank.

“Brian?”

“Yeah. I’m here.” He sighed. “Listen, I’m thinking about making a trip out to see you next week because I haven’t been there to see you since that first time. How have you been feeling since that bone marrow transplant?”

Kelly figured if he wanted to evade, she’d let him evade. For the moment.

“I’m feeling a lot better, actually. I mean, my parents and sibs went home because the doctors told us that the cancer cells were greatly reduced. I didn’t want them spending a lot of unnecessary time here worrying about me.”

“They’re your family, baby. It’s their job to worry about you.” Wasn’t that what he was trying to get through to his wife? “But I’m glad you’re doing better, and I’m definitely coming to see you, so you won’t be alone.”

“Well, then, I guess we’ll watch your interview together, huh?”

He ran a hand over his face. “You’re too quick for me, Kelly.”

“Running away never did solve much.”

“I know.”

“I’m not stopping you from coming, I’m just saying.”

“I know. I’m not running, I just need some time away.”

“From your family?”

Nausea was beginning to kick up a storm. “Not my family. Just the craziness of my life. Kelly, I don’t know what I’m supposed to say or do anymore. All I know is that I love Sienna and our kids, but I don’t know how to be around her.”

“Brian. I’m going to hang up, you go, throw up whatever is swimming around in your system, and, go home. Did you get all that?”

How did she know? “Yeah,” he muttered. “I got it. I’ll let you know when I’m heading your way.”

“You do that. Now go, sweetie. You’ll feel better.”

“You’re my lifesaver. You know that, right?”

He could hear her smile. “Right back at ya. I love you, Brian.”

“I love you, too. But, uh, I’m gonna go now.”

“Take care of yourself and your family.”

“Uh huh. Bye bye, Kelly.”

“Bye, Bri.”

Hanging up, he stood on shaky legs and stumbled out of the room he was in and into what appeared to be a kitchen from the stove and counters he found. That and the fact that Mac was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee in front of him. As nauseous as he was feeling, the smell of coffee had Brian salivating.

Mac held out another mug. “Drink.”

Brian made his way to the table, took the mug, and drank it down as though it were water. When he’d finished, he sank into a chair.

“Thanks. I needed that,” he murmured.

Mac sighed. “Do you know you scared the shit out of me last night? What the hell were you doing getting drunk, showing up here, and passing out?”

Brian winced. “Um. Honestly, Mac? I can’t remember how I got here.”

“You walked.”

His eyes widened. “I did what?! From where?”

Mac shrugged. “Hell if I know. I still want to know why you were so drunk, you passed out on my porch instead of going home.” When Brian said nothing, Mac sighed again. “Trouble in paradise?”

Brian rested his aching head in his hands. “Oh yeah. It’s been nothing but sunshine and bunnies since Sienna and the kids came home.”

“Sunshine and bunnies?” Mac couldn’t help but be amused, even though he knew his friend was hurting.

Brian lifted his head and aimed a look at him. “Shut up. I can’t think straight, and that’s the first thing that came to mind.”

“Okay.” Mac stood and, pulling open a cupboard, took out a bottle of aspirin and handed it to Brian along with a glass of water. “Take two, slap some water on your face, and go home. You’ll feel better once you’ve cleared things up with your wife.”

Brian swallowed the pills and sighed. “I don’t think I’m ever gonna feel better, man. If something doesn’t change soon, I might need to be locked up in a mental facility. It feels like I’m constantly begging her or tiptoeing around everything we need to talk about.”

Mac sat again. “Wanna talk about it?”

Brian stared down at his hands. Did he really want to say out loud what he was worried was happening to his marriage? He loved Sienna, but, lately, he wasn’t sure what her feelings were. She said she loved him, but he wasn’t certain of that. How could he be if every time he tried to talk to her about what was between the two of them, she waved it off and said she was busy. That or start an argument about how he didn’t know what she was feeling and couldn’t possibly understand. Well, how the hell was he supposed to know what she was feeling if she didn’t tell him, if she didn’t talk to him? What was happening to them?

“Not really,” he said after a long silence. He pushed back from the table. “I think I’m gonna try and head home. See how much damage I’ve done.”

“Brian. I know the Primetime taping was last night.” Mac simply watched him when Brian turned to look at him. “If something happened, you’d tell me, right?”

Twice in one morning. Brian shook his head. “Watch it next week, Mac. Then tell me if you still want to help me.”

Mac watched Brian head off to the bathroom and couldn’t help but worry. He wasn’t in the habit of making friends with the parents of his patients, but it had been hard not to become friends with the Littrells. They were the perfect couple and great people to just relax with. He liked their kids and worried as much as Brian and Sienna did when either of the twins or Luke were sick. Now, the perfect couple wasn’t so perfect, was hitting bumps in the road. Bumps Mac wasn’t sure they were getting over and past.

Brian came back into the kitchen again and gave Mac a small smile. “Thanks for not leaving me on the porch. The whole getting drunk deal isn’t really my deal, but I thought it might…I don’t know.” He shrugged. “The problems are still here, right? I should’ve learned from watching AJ self-destruct that alcohol doesn’t fix anything. But I just needed…”

“To stop thinking?” Mac supplied.

Brian nodded. “Yeah. Anyway, thanks again. I’d better get going.”

Mac watched Brian make it to the door, open it, then stop. He turned around again, a sheepish look on his face.

“Uh, Mac? Would you mind giving me a ride to the bar where I left my car?”

Grinning, Mac stood and grabbed his keys. “Sure. What are friends for?”

***

What do I do? What do I do? Do I say something? Do I let it go? Do I just let time tell me what to do?

She paced her bedroom and tried to figure out what it was she really should do. It was getting ridiculous the amount of evading she was doing. Every question he had, she countered with another question or avoided it by talking about something completely different. But, really, how long could they go on like this?

More importantly, she thought, how do I break the news to him? Would he hate her?

A sick feeling rose in the back of her throat when she thought of those constantly kind eyes looking at her with disgust. She sat on the bed, a hand pressed to her stomach, swallowing back the sick. Maybe she would keep quiet about it for a while longer. Until it could no longer be hidden.

Which gave her time. But time, she feared, was running out.

***

“Come on, honey. Just one more spoonful…mmm, wasn’t that yummy?”

When Serena smacked her applesauce covered lips together and giggled, Sienna smiled and, lifting both twins out of their high chairs, set them on the floor. They began to run around as their mother rinsed out their bowls and spoons and wondered, for the thousandth time, where her husband had gone. When she heard the sound of the front door open and close and her daughters’ squeals, she had her answer.

Brian carried Kara and Serena into the kitchen and met Sienna’s eyes warily. He wore the clothes he’d worn the night before and looked disheveled to no extent. Worry, annoyance, and the beginning flickers of anger coated her throat, and she swallowed it.

“Where have you been?” Oops. That hadn’t been what she’d meant to say—at least not in that angry tone.

A stubborn expression flitted across his face. “Out. I’m sorry I didn’t come home last night. I was too…tired to drive.”

Too tired? Where the hell had he been? “What was so important that you had to bolt out of here last night after the interview ended? Did you know the tap-dancing I had to do to cover up for you, to make it seem like we were the happy couple?”

He raised a brow. “You made that hard on yourself anyway. Or have you forgotten what happened during the interview? Don’t try to do me favors, Sienna. Let’s stick with being perfectly honest about what’s going on.”

“Fine. You first.” She folded her arms. “Where were you?”

“None of your business.” He could be as close-mouthed as she.

As the twins squirmed in his arms, Sienna stepped towards him to take one of them. And sniffed.

“Drinking? You were out getting drunk?! Brian!”

She was absolutely disgusted. He’d left their home, left her and their children, and gone to waste his night with alcohol? Who the hell was he becoming?

“Didn’t you learn anything from AJ?”

“Don’t.”

She closed her mouth. That was a new tone, one she’d never heard from him. His voice was low, deadly—and it terrified her.

He saw the fear in her eyes and swore. He hadn’t meant to make her afraid of him.

“Sienna, baby.” His voice was gentle again. “You know I’d rather cut off an arm than do anything to hurt you.” He ran a hand over his unruly hair. “Look, the interview was…well, it was something that I didn’t really want to go through, and, you’re right. I wasn’t happy about how it went. I just needed some time away”

“To get drunk? Brian, how did you figure drinking yourself to oblivion would make you feel any better?”

He sighed, vowing not to get angry. “I don’t know, Sienna. Okay? I. Just. Don’t. Know.”

“Well, who does? I swear, Brian, I don’t know who you are anymore. We’re either arguing or avoiding each other. And then you go and get drunk. I’ve never seen you drunk, didn’t think you’d ever do something like that. Who the hell are you?” She couldn’t stop herself from sounding angry—because she was.

Screw anger, he thought. “I’m different? I’m changing? What the hell are you doing, then? Because if I’m changing, I’m not the only one guilty of doing so! Look at you! I’ve tried to talk to you, but you blow me off every, single time! I hate that I can’t be near you, touch you, be the one you turn to! On top of that, you refuse to talk about anything relating to you, me, and how we feel about each other! I love you, Sienna! God knows why, but I do. Whenever I ask you how you’re doing, whenever I try to find out if you’re okay, you chop my head off. ‘Brian, you can’t understand. Brian, you weren’t raped, I was.’ Of course, I can’t understand because you won’t tell me! I was here for weeks without you, wondering where you were, if you were okay. I prayed that God would bring you home safely, and He did. I thought that the not knowing where you were would kill me, but it’s nothing, nothing compared to having you here and not being able to know what you want, need, or are thinking.” He blinked furiously to keep the tears from running down his cheeks. “I’d do anything for you, anything. Why won’t you let me? Why won’t you just let me love you?”

How could she fight his hurt, she wondered, when she hadn’t realized that he had that hurt stored up inside him? Had she made him think she didn’t care what he’d been feeling? The truth was, she hadn’t thought that he’d be hurting this badly. And wasn’t that worse, she realized, than knowing the one you loved was hurting?

“Brian,” she began softly, but he shook his head.

“Don’t, baby. Don’t say anything.” He rubbed his hands over his face wearily. “I need a shower, right now. I just need some time to think, okay?”

How desperately she wanted to reach out and hold him close. But she couldn’t. Just couldn’t.

Sienna nodded. “Okay.” And watched him go.

***

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