Chapter 35

“Jeez, it feels like every time I turn around, someone else is getting married,” Nick complained as he tugged at the tie that was suffocating him.

Kevin shook his head. “Nick, stop yanking at that tie. You’re going to ruin Kris’s work.” He pushed Nick’s hands aside and fixed the tie, making it easier for the younger man to breathe. “There. Happy?”

“No,” Nick muttered, trying his best not to slouch in the pew. “I don’t understand why people have to get married all the damn time.”

“Don’t curse in a church,” Brian hissed from the pew ahead of them. “Carter, show some respect!”

“Sorry,” Nick hissed back. He leaned forward and peeked at Luke, who was dressed in a suit and tie and gazing around at all the flowers, decorations, and other guests. “Hey, can I take him?”

Brian shook his head. “I want to hold onto my kid for a while, okay? I haven’t exactly seen him in the last two weeks,” he added, referring to the fact that the Boys had returned to the recording studio in LA for their next album.

Nick sat back. “Okay.”

Kevin held out his son. “Here, have my kid. For now,” he added, seeing Nick’s face light up as he took Sean. “Only a matter of time, kid, until you’re getting strapped up and waiting for your bride to walk down the aisle,” he told Nick, watching him make the baby laugh.

Nick froze and paled. “Uh-uh. There’s no way I’m getting tied down to one woman. Not in this lifetime.”

“We’ll see,” Kevin murmured, patting his shoulder.

AJ slid into the pew on the other side of Nick and greeted the other guys. “Where’s D?”

Brian turned a little to see AJ. “With Shane. You know how Howie’s got that calming effect, so Sienna recruited him to calm Shane down.”

“Gotcha.” AJ tried not to slouch. He didn’t understand why, all of a sudden, weddings were making him nervous. He’d nearly gotten married years ago, so weddings shouldn’t bother him, right? It wasn’t as though he was going to make that trip down the aisle any time soon. Not now that he’d lost the woman he loved to another man.

“Regan’s here,” Kristin murmured from Kevin’s side as she studied the other guests milling around before taking their seats.

“What?” AJ sat up, alert, and peered around.

When he spotted her, he could have sworn his heart stopped then started again with a hard bump. She looked better than he had ever imagined her in any fantasy he’d ever had. And he’d had many, he thought. She wore a deep blue, strapless dress that left her arms and shoulders bare and ended at mid-calf. There was a silver ribbon at the bodice that was tied beneath a brooch in the shape of a star. Her dark red hair was curled down her back, and AJ had the urge to run his hands through it. But he couldn’t because she wasn’t his, he reminded himself.

He turned back to face the altar, ignoring the looks he was receiving from the other guys and Kristin. When Kelly arrived and slipped into her place next to Brian, he couldn’t have been more thankful for the shift in everyone’s attention.

Regan had seen Kristin and acknowledged the other woman’s wave. She’d seen AJ when he’d turned to look at her, but she hadn’t been able to meet his gaze. She’d avoided him for the past few weeks, which had been unnecessary since he’d been in LA anyway. Jack had convinced her to come to the wedding and face AJ. Tell him everything, she thought and pressed a hand to the slight bump that her pregnancy had created. She still wasn’t sure if she would say anything today and had opted to just play it by ear. Whatever happened, happened.

As the organ, accompanied by a violin and flute, began to play the Wedding March, Regan slid into a seat to watch the ceremony begin.

***

Everything had gone beautifully. The ceremony had been perfect, and she’d had the hardest time not crying as she watched her best friend and the woman he loved marry. They were so in love and absolutely perfect together, Sienna thought. She’d enjoyed being Marlena’s matron of honor and had been delighted to train Serena and Kara to carry a basket of flowers down the aisle, scattering them.

When her eyes had met Brian’s during the exchanging of vows, she’d smiled, knowing they both remembered their own wedding. Today, though, had been Shane and Marlena’s day, and she vowed that nothing would make her unhappy. Nothing.

“Great job, General,” Brian congratulated her, holding out a champagne flute. “Everything was fantastic!”

She took the glass from him and smiled as she watched Shane and Marlena dance. “It was, wasn’t it? I’m glad it didn’t rain either, or else this whole outdoor reception would have been ruined.” She gestured towards the cloudless blue sky and the gorgeous greenery of the park where the reception was being held.

“Your mouth, God’s ear,” Brian agreed. “It snowed the night before our wedding.”

She smiled, remembering. “Yeah, but it didn’t stop us, did it?”

“No. And, here we are, eighteen months later.” He tapped her glass with his, making sure to keep a safe distance between them.

She tapped his back. “Healthier, wealthier, and wiser?” she wondered and watched Brian’s grin flash.

“I’d like to think so, but…” his smile faded.

She shook her head. “Not now, Brian. Please.”

“We’re going to have to talk sometime,” he pointed out. “It should’ve happened by now, but my schedule’s been ridiculous. Sienna.”

“Not now,” she hissed, annoyance flashing across her features. “Why don’t you go dance with your date? I’m sure she’ll appreciate you more than I will right now.”

Because she wasn’t looking at him, she missed the hurt that settled in his features. “Okay,” he murmured. “But we’ll have to talk sometime.”

“Sure,” she agreed and watched him walk away.

“More trouble in paradise?” Liv spoke up as she appeared at her best friend’s side.

Sienna sighed. “I don’t want to think about it, Livvy. I want to be happy today for Marlena and Shane. I can’t worry about my husband, right now.”

“I’ve been watching the two of you move around each other all day, Si. You can’t tell me that it’s not bothering you. That and the fact that Kelly came as his date,” she added.

Sienna shook her head. “Kelly doesn’t bother me. She’s my friend, too. It’s just the fact that we don’t communicate the way we used to before. I’ve always been able to tell him everything and anything, Livvy. But, ever since I came home, it’s like there are walls between us and we can’t hear each other.”

Liv sighed. “I hate to say this because you’re my best friend and all, but, Sienna, I think you’ve been building those walls more than Brian has. I’ve seen how he’s been making the effort to help you, support you, do whatever you need, but you keep pushing him away. Obviously, the man’s bound to fight back at some point. The sweet part is, even when he has fought back, he’s felt sorry about it and tried to make it up to you. But you, on the other hand…”

Sienna turned to look Liv in the eye. “What are you saying, Livvy?”

“I’m saying that I think you’ve trapped Brian. In your eyes, he can do no right. When he tries to be what you need him to be, you’re not happy. When he fights back, you’re not happy. He has needs, too, Si. You’re not the only one in your marriage. If there’s anything I’ve learned about being married, it’s that it’s a give and take relationship. Both of you have to give as much as you get, but I think he’s been giving a hell of a lot more than he’s been getting. I know you’re still recovering from everything, but I don’t see how you’re improving the relationship you and Brian have. Every time I see him, he’s hurt and upset even though he tries to pass it off as being tired or whatever. Sienna,” Liv placed a hand on her friend’s arm. “If you can’t be the wife he needs, he deserves, then do the merciful thing. Let him go.”

When Liv had disappeared back into the crowd, Sienna continued to watch the newlyweds, shock still careening through her system at her oldest friend’s words. Was she really not being a good wife to Brian? Though a part of her screamed Not true!, another part knew that Liv was right.

When she’d first met Brian, he’d been upset, hurt over the fact that the woman he had once loved had left him for someone else. She’d hated seeing him so alone and unhappy and had vowed that he’d never feel that way again. But, here they were, five years later, and, this time, she’d caused his unhappiness again. She couldn’t even say that some of it was his fault because, when she thought about the last few months, she remembered that he had done all she let him do. And for what? For nothing, Sienna realized sadly.

Was Liv right? Should she be kind enough, compassionate enough to stop the man she loved from hurting? It would kill her to leave him, not to mention what it would do to their children, but wouldn’t it be worse to watch Brian suffer, as he was already, for the rest of their lives? She wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to give him what he needed, physically and emotionally. Brian deserved to be happy, and she wanted it for him. So, what should she do?

Questions whirling through her head, she let herself get caught up in the crush of merry guests and tried not to think of the decisions that lay before her.

***

He forced a smile onto his face as he headed over to where Kelly sat. Sienna was right, nothing was going to ruin today. Not even the impending argument he was sure they were going to have the next day. He didn’t want to think about it at the moment, so he made sure to think happy thoughts.

“Who do you think you’re fooling, Littrell?”

Brian tried not to let the smile slide off. “I’m not joking about anything, Kelly. What are you talking about?”

She rolled her eyes as he sank into the chair next to hers. “I didn’t come here as your date so you could be miserable, you know.”

“This whole thing is stupid,” he muttered. “Not the wedding, of course. God knows, I’m thrilled that Shane and Marlena are so happy, but I hate fighting with her. I hate that I can’t fight with her because she’s so good at killing my argument before I even make it.” He sighed. “The one good thing about today is that you’re here. So, wanna dance?”

She studied his face, knowing he was unhappy and shoving his feelings aside. “I’m not sure I have the energy to dance like everyone out there. You should’ve seen AJ earlier. I didn’t know anyone could move like that. And, look,” she pointed to the dance floor. “Howie and Liv salsa dancing is just the cutest thing ever.”

“They’re the cutest thing ever,” Brian mimicked her and earned a smack on the arm. “Hey. They are. I wasn’t making fun of you, honestly.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m still not dancing because I know I’ll pass out. There’s not enough oxygen in my blood for me to shake it like I did on that show.”

“Aww, no Dancing With the Stars for Kelly?” Brian pouted. “It’s okay. I’ll drag you out there eventually. Maybe during a slow song. It’s not like you have to use a whole lot of energy for those.”

“Maybe,” she murmured absently, focusing on someone else.

Brian tried to follow her gaze and failed. “Whatcha lookin’ at?”

“Regan and AJ. He’s avoided her this whole time, but, every time she’s not looking in his direction, he’s looking over at her.” Kelly shook her head. “It feels like high school all over again.”

Brian sighed. “They’re both just in love with each other and too stubborn to admit it. I wish people would just see what’s right in front of their eyes and deal with it. Those two are at the top of that list of people,” he added, noting that Regan was currently sitting alone, while AJ was fifty yards away, talking to Kevin and trying to subtly sneak peeks at Regan.

“Hmm. You know, I think you should take your own advice, Brian, and figure out what’s going on with this hair of yours. How long do you think you can fake being a blonde and losing your hair, huh?” Kelly teased him. “Because, seriously, that comb-over is not fooling anyone!”

Brian gasped. “You did not just say that!”

“I did!”

“Well then. Well.” Brian acted insulted and speechless, all the while running his fingers through his thinning hair. “I’m letting the blonde grow out now, you know. That’s gotta count for something.”

Kelly grinned. “I think you’d be much cuter as a brunette.”

***

She tried not to dwell on the fact that they kept staring at each other and pretending not to notice the other even existed. Nevertheless, she had to admit that, apart from the avoidance contest, she was enjoying herself. She’d spent time with Brian’s parents, Sienna’s aunts and uncles, and the other Backstreet Boys and their respective spouses. Somehow, she’d become a part of their circle and appreciated them allowing her into it. They were wonderful to be around, even if they were not so subtle about prying into her feelings about AJ. Jackie Littrell had all but asked her if she was still interested in AJ, but Harold had saved her from the worst of the questions, Regan was sure.

She was more than thankful that she wasn’t noticeably pregnant because that would have gotten her all sorts of attention. And, speaking of pregnancy, she thought. She was certain that she’d have to tell AJ about their baby sooner rather than later. Which meant now before she lost all her courage.

She stood and, folding her arms protectively over her belly, began to make her way towards where he stood with Kevin, Kristin, and Nick. He was tossing a giggling Bridget Richardson in the air, and the grin on his face made her heart ache. Would he be this playful, happy, and loving with their child as he was with his friends’ children? She hoped so, but she’d have to get through telling him first.

“Regan?”

Biting back a groan and knowing that she’d have to wait on facing him, she turned and found herself facing Denise. The cavalry, she thought before she smiled.

“Denise, hi! How are you?”

Denise gave her a light hug and stepped back, smiling. “You look absolutely wonderful, today! I was hoping you’d come and spend time with the Backstreet gang. I’m so glad that it didn’t rain because everything and everyone looks great, don’t you think?”

Regan nodded. “It’s a great wedding and reception. I’m glad I came.” She found herself watching AJ play with Bridget again.

Denise noticed what had caught Regan’s attention and couldn’t help but cheer inside. “I wanted to thank you, too, for allowing Alex to spend so much time with Jordan. Alex really loves your son, and I couldn’t help but come to love Jordan, too. It’s almost as though I have that grandchild that I keep wishing for, you know?”

Regan felt her heart race a little, thinking how close Denise was to the truth. If you only knew. “It’s not a problem. I mean, Jordan loves Alex, too, so it works both ways. Besides, it’s nice that Jordan has someone he can look up to.”

“Like a father?” Denise wondered, smiling. “I was always grateful that Alex’s uncle was there as a father-figure for him when he was growing up, so I understand that need for your child to have both parents. It’s so important for children to have a mother and father’s love, don’t you think? Not that Jordan’s lacking for anything,” she added quickly. “But it’s always a blessing when a child can count on both parents. It’s probably a plus for the parents, too, I think. I mean, I see how Kevin and Kristin and Howie and Olivia are with their children. They lean on each other and have someone they can share their child’s milestones with. It’s certainly one of the advantages I’ve noticed that married couples have over single parents.”

Regan managed a smile. “I think a happy marriage is certainly the best environment to bring a child into, but, as we both know, it’s not the only one.”

“Of course not,” Denise agreed. “I don’t think I could’ve raised my child better if I had had a man there with me, but I do think children need the stability that’s found more often in families where the parents are together.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t plan on having this conversation with you at all.” She patted Regan’s arm. “You and Jordan are the perfect family, and I’m thanking you for allowing Alex into it a little. And, now, I think you should go socialize with someone who’s not such an old woman.”

Regan placed a hand on Denise’s. “I’m glad I was able to spend time with you. Really. And you’re always welcome in my home, too.”

Denise grinned. “Leave that door open, hon, because I’ll be there! But not now,” she added. “I just saw someone I’ve been meaning to talk to, so I’ll see you later.” And she was gone.

Regan sighed. Everything Denise said had made sense. She’d always worried that Jordan would grow up different, somehow, from other children his age because he didn’t have a father. She’d always be thankful that her parents had been married when she’d been younger because it had given her a solid foundation. Maybe Denise had been onto something when she had said that children flourished better when their parents were married and devoted to their family.

Maybe, Regan mused, looking around at the other guests. She had to find AJ and soon. She didn’t want her courage to run out. When she spotted him through the crowd, she maneuvered her way through tables, chairs, dancing couples, and other guests. AJ stood talking animatedly to Kelly about his unique dancing techniques, and Regan watched him for a moment. He was…well, he was everything to her now, and she had to find a way to convince him that they were better off together than apart.

Taking a deep breath, she stepped forward and tapped his shoulder. When he turned to see who it was, surprise flitted across his face. “Hi.”

Relax, relax. She smiled. “Hey.” She looked past him to Kelly. “Hi! How are you?”

“Not bad, all in all,” Kelly replied. She hadn’t told anyone but Brian about the leukemia and wasn’t about to start.

Regan nodded. “Good. That’s good.” She turned back to AJ. “Can I…can I talk to you, please? In private?”

He shrugged, wondering what she could possibly want to tell him. “Sure. I’ll catch you later, Kelly.”

Kelly nodded and, watching them walk away from the reception, hoped things would go well for someone.

They found an empty bench set far enough away from the party that it was private enough for them to have a conversation without being interrupted. Regan sat down and noted that AJ left a good two feet between them when he settled onto the bench. Not knowing where to begin, she was silent.

After a few moments, AJ couldn’t handle the quiet and cocked his head, watching her curiously and knowing that any anger he’d felt had disappeared. “Regan, what did you want to talk to me about?”

She looked up at him, her fingers playing nervously with the ribbon on her dress. “It’s a couple of things, but I wanted to thank you for spending so much of your time with Jordan. I’m sorry that I started turning you into a babysitting service for him.”

He shrugged. “I love Jordan, so spending time with him wasn’t and could never be a problem. At least until the day he asks me if he can get a tattoo. Sorry, Regan, but I’ll have to say absolutely not to that request.”

She grinned. “God, if Jordan ever wanted a tattoo I’d need someone there to prevent him from doing it. I don’t think I’d be strong enough to say no to him.”

“I think you are and you could. You’ve got the strong mother gene,” AJ assured her.

“I hope so,” she whispered then shook her head. “Anyway, I wanted to explain what happened three weeks ago. You know, when you dropped off the wedding invitation.”

He waved it off, not wanting the mental image of Regan with another man. “Don’t worry about it. You’d said you wanted to explore, and I can’t stop you from dating whoever you want.”

She shook her head. “Alex. There’s nothing between Jack and me. Jack’s the one I was with that night,” she clarified.

He nodded. “I know. Jordan told me Jack taught him to play baseball and takes him to his games. You don’t have to explain.”

“No, really, I do. Jack knew that there was something between you and me, and he was hoping that I would come to my senses about the way I…” She stopped and looked down at her hands.

“The way you…?” AJ prompted.

She looked up into his eyes. “The way I really feel about you.”

“And? Have you?” Could he hope? Dare he believe that she might love him the way he loved her?

Regan bit her lip. “Yeah, I have. Jack told me that he’d known about us that night, after you left. I have to say I was relieved that he wasn’t mad, that he knew all about it because I didn’t want to hurt him. I’d already figured out my feelings. The thing is, Alex, there’s so much more to what’s between us now.”

He frowned. “Huh? What do you mean?”

She held his gaze. “I’m pregnant. And, considering the fact that you’re the only man I’ve been with in the last nine years, it’s a pretty safe bet that this baby is ours.”

Regan watched as disbelief, shock, then, finally, joy streaked across his face. AJ leapt up, whooped, and swept her off her feet, spinning the both of them around. Setting her down, he lay a hand gently on her belly and felt the slight bump that their child had already created.

“Hot damn! A baby! Us!” He couldn’t stop grinning. It was like God had just given him a ready-made family—one he’d dreamed of for so long. And now…now that dream was coming true. “When?”

She couldn’t help but feel the same joy that was running through him. Everything was going to be okay. No, she corrected herself. Better than okay. She had the man she loved and her child—no, their children. Because Jordan was AJ’s son in almost every way already.

She took a deep breath. “In January. Alex, will you…” She broke off, shaking her head, nervous because she’d never thought she’d ever ask anyone this most important of questions.

He cupped her cheek and tipped her face up to meet her eyes. “What’s up, baby?”

She smiled. “Will you marry me?” And watched the shock light his face again. “I mean, I think if we’re going to have a baby, it’s going to need both of us there to take care of it. And I think it would be great if we just got married, so we could give this baby and Jordan the perfect home and the best foundation, you know? So, will you marry me?”

He was no longer touching her as the shock had made his hands numb. He could see the smile in her eyes, though her face was serious. She was serious. And it was his heart that was breaking.

AJ sighed. “No.”

The happiness on her face died. “No? What do you mean ‘no’?”

He shook his head. “Regan, I will always love you and Jordan, and, now, our baby. But I think we can give Jordan and this baby a solid foundation without being married. I’ll be there for all three of you absolutely whenever you need me, but we can raise a baby without being married. So the answer is still no. I won’t marry you.”

Unable to stand around and watch as the hurt, that was making it impossible for him to breathe, flashed across her face, AJ turned and walked back to happier family and friends, his heart trailing, torn and bleeding, in the dirt behind him.

***

She could hear his footsteps on the stairs and poured coffee into a mug, mixing in the sugar and cream the way she knew he liked it. When Brian entered the kitchen, she moved away from the counter and handed him the mug, a smile on her face.

“Good morning,” she greeted him cheerfully.

He nodded and gulped down the mug. Running a hand over his damp hair, he gave her a quizzical smile. “Good morning to you, too. I take it you slept well.”

Sienna grinned and slid into a chair at the table. “Really well. But I think it’s knowing that Shane and Marlena are happy and enjoying a well-deserved honeymoon in Ireland that’s making me happy.” She patted the space near hers at the table. “Sit, Bri.”

Had he walked into the twilight zone? She had fixed him coffee the way he liked it, she was smiling at him, and now she wanted him to sit next to her? He shrugged to himself. Hey, if it was the twilight zone, he’d take it.

Brian settled in at the table and smiled at her. “I love you, Sienna.”

“I love you, too,” she murmured. “Brian, I know I haven’t been the easiest person to be married to lately. I mean, I’ve been keeping you at arm’s length—probably more. You’ve been nothing but supportive, and I’ve hurt you. I’m sorry.”

He shook his head. “I’d do anything for you, Sienna. You know that. All I want is for you to be happy, with me. And I’m afraid that I’ve screwed that up for you. For us.”

She sighed. “You haven’t, Brian. You’ve been the perfect husband, but I haven’t been close to the kind of wife you need. I’m so sorry for that.”

He watched her carefully as he chose his next words. “Sienna, I want to be able to be with you, touch you, hold you. The thing is, I don’t need that so much as I need you and me to be on the same level concerning us. All I need is for you and me to never forget that we love each other, in spite of whatever obstacles life tosses in our way.”

“And you’ll always do anything I ask of you. Right, Brian?” she whispered.

He nodded, flickers of worry fluttering through him at the sadness that filled her face. “Anything. For better or worse, baby, it’s you and me.”

She could feel the tears filling her eyes. “And if I asked you to do something that you didn’t want to do, like that interview, you’d do it, wouldn’t you?”

He wanted, quite desperately, to reach out and hold her. Fight off whatever was making her so unhappy. “If it makes you happy, baby, I’d do it. Will you tell me what’s bothering you?”

She brushed aside the tears that had started to seep down her cheeks. “Brian, if I begged you to do something, something that you hated, something you were against two hundred percent…would you still do it?”

“Don’t cry, Sienna. It rips me apart.” He watched, helpless, as the tears poured down her cheeks. “Yes, okay, yes. I’d do anything, even if it killed me. I love you so much. God, don’t cry,” he whispered.

She managed a watery smile and twisted her wedding ring round and round on her finger. “I love you, too. Which is why I need you to do something for me, Brian. I’m going to need you to put aside the fact that your first instinct will be to refuse. Please. I need you to do this one, last thing for me.”

Alarm bells were sounding distantly in his mind, but all Brian could see was the sorrow in her eyes. “Tell me what it is, and I promise I’ll do whatever I can to do what you need.”

Sienna took a deep breath, knowing there would be no turning back. She met his gaze and held it.

“I want a divorce.”

***

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