Chapter 36

He loved driving. He loved leaving the windows down, the music up, and the wind streaming through his hair—such as it was. When he was in his “driving zone,” he didn’t much care when traffic signals stopped him, he didn’t care that the guy in the car behind his was flipping him off because he was driving like a lunatic. He just didn’t care about the world in general when he drove.

And, boy, was he driving now.

The speedometer, the last time he’d bothered to glance at it, had been inching towards ninety. In a forty-five mile per hour area. It didn’t bother him in the least that he was probably going to be stopped by a cop somewhere because paying off a ticket was the least of his problems. Not that he was thinking about his problems. No sir, not him. That cop could take his ticket and stuff it. That thought was surprising all in itself because Brian Littrell was a law-abiding citizen—on most days. Of course, today was not “most days,” and he knew it.

When he spotted the house, he slowed down and turned into the driveway. He could see a straw hat bobbing between shrubbery and grinned. Jumping out of the car, he hurried to the flowerbeds and knelt beside the one woman who had never let him down nor doubted him.

“Mom.”

She turned, startled, and grinned when she saw who it was. “Brian! Did I know you were going to stop by this morning?”

He shook his head. “Nope. I just thought I’d drop by and surprise you. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you.”

“Baby, I just saw you yesterday at the wedding,” she reminded him, affection apparent in her voice.

He shrugged. “I felt like seeing my mom again. What’s wrong with that?” he wondered before pulling her into a hug. “I love you, Mom. You’re one of the best things in my life.”

Jackie hugged him back, worried now. When he pulled away, she cupped his face and peered into his eyes. “What’s wrong, Brian?”

He couldn’t meet her all-knowing gaze, so he looked past her at the flowerbeds. “Hey, Mom. You’re not gonna believe this, but I can tell you what all your flowers are called. Isn’t that awesome?” He reached around her to point to each one. “That’s a hydrangea bush, gerber daisies, sunflowers, and, look, is that bougainvillea on your trellis? I didn’t know we had one of those here.” He looked back at her.

“Baby, my baby. Tell me what’s hurting you,” she asked again, holding onto his hand when he tried to pull away.

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong. Everything’s peachy.” He offered her his world-famous smile, knowing full well she’d see right past it.

Jackie wracked her mind to think of what could have put the hurt in her youngest son’s eyes. “Is it the babies?” He shook his head. “Okay, how about Sienna? How’s she doing?” When the light in his eyes flickered, she knew she’d gotten to the source of the problem. “What happened between you and Sienna, Brian? Did you argue? Is she okay?”

Now that his mother had brought her up, Brian had no choice but to think of his wife. She’d dropped the bombshell in his lap, and he’d been, well, stunned was too weak a word to describe his feelings. Because he hadn’t been able to think of anything to say, he’d stood and, grabbing his keys, driven away. He had done exactly what Kelly had accused him of doing, and he was sure Sienna would say the same thing when he returned. Running away. He couldn’t even bring himself to think the word. Divorce. He shuddered.

“Mom.” This time the word was whispered.

How was it possible the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the flowers blooming when his heart was in tatters? He couldn’t think about anything but the scene that he’d left behind in his kitchen. Running away was the only option he could even think about because anything else was too painful.

“Brian.” Jackie was terrified as she watched the myriad of expressions rampaging across his face while he sat silently, staring at the grass at his feet.

When he looked up at her, his blue eyes were filmed over with tears. “Mom.” His voice wavered on the single syllable.

Not speaking, she gathered him into her arms and rocked him as she had when he’d been a baby and fussy. “Let it go, baby. Just let yourself cry.”

He shook his head. “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t think about it. Can’t help but think about it.”

“What is it, Brian? What happened between yesterday and this morning that’s hurt you so much? Can’t you tell me?”

He bit his lip to hold the tears at bay. “Sienna…I…we…” His voice trailed off as he stared hard at the band on his left hand, remembering all it symbolized. All the love that raged within him for the woman the ring stood for.

“What is it, baby duck?”

He looked up into the eyes that had brought him through the good and the bad. Eyes that were surrounded by lines age had given her. Lines that were now creased in worry. For him.

“She wants a…a…divorce,” he managed before he broke.

Jackie held him as he wept. She was shocked at his words, at what her daughter-in-law, a woman she considered her own child, had suggested. If she’d heard it from anyone else, she wouldn’t have believed it. How was it possible that they’d survived the nightmare of the kidnapping only to be hit with such a blow now? Would things never return to normal, to happy for her son?

Knowing that she had reached the point in her life as a mother where she couldn’t fix her son’s pain, she held him closer and prayed.

***

“This is not possible. This is not happening.” She glanced from her boarding pass to her seat and wanted to smack herself.

“You shouldn’t be carrying heavy things. Here, let me do it.” He leapt up from his seat beside hers and took the bag she carried before she could stop him. Stowing it away in the overhead compartment, he settled into his seat again and tugged her down next to him.

“This isn’t possible. It really isn’t,” she insisted again, even as he reached around her to buckle in her seatbelt.

“Tell me if the buckle’s too tight because I don’t know what’s comfortable or not for the baby,” he replied, glancing down at her barely there pregnancy bulge.

She rolled her eyes. “It’s fine. But I’m still not sure this isn’t all a dream.” She hadn’t forgiven him for turning her down, stomping on her heart, and she wasn’t about to let him get away with it. “Of all the flights back to DC,” she muttered to herself.

He pinched her arm lightly. When she yelped and smacked his hand away, he grinned. “Nope. Not a dream. Relax, Regan. I’m not going to jump you. Though that would definitely make me a member of the Mile High Club,” he added with a grin.

She tried not to smile. “That’s disgusting.”

He patted her knee. He wasn’t ready to consider the consequences of the day before on the future of their tentative relationship. Did his rejection of her proposal mean that they were going to be pissy with each other from now on? Was their child going to be raised in an angry environment? Her obvious annoyance was signaling him that way, but he didn’t want that road. He’d stopped himself from dwelling on the fact that she’d proposed, and, if he’d been any less sure of what he wanted from her, they would be engaged right now. Instead, she was sniping at him, and he was doing his best to be cheerful.

“Has the pregnancy been hard so far?” he asked, surprising both of them with his question. He hadn’t meant to ask the question.

She blinked. “Um. Not so bad. I had morning sickness for a while. When you came…when you came to my house that first time, I was home early from work because I hadn’t been feeling well.”

“So you didn’t know you were pregnant yet?”

Regan shook her head. “No, not until the next day.”

AJ was surprised, and annoyed, now. “And you waited a month to tell me? I saw you just about every other day for a month, and you couldn’t have just told me then? Have you told anyone else?”

“Only Jack. I figured he deserved the truth because I was using him to distract myself from thinking about you. Other than that, only my doctor knows,” she told him.

He folded his arms and stared hard at the tarmac outside the airplane, wondering when the flight was going to leave.

“Alex.” She placed a hand over his. “I was afraid to tell you because I didn’t know if you would be angry with me for carrying your child and dating someone else.”

“I wasn’t.” That thought hadn’t even crossed his mind. Would they be forever second-guessing each other?

“I know. I know that, but I wasn’t sure at the time.”

He turned to stare at her for long moments before he spoke. “Does this throw a wrench in your plans?”

Plans? “What plans?”

He blinked. “Um. Hello? If I remember correctly, the reason you didn’t want to get involved with me was that you had plans to explore your options, live your life. Wasn’t that what you said?”

She had said that. “I guess I did say that.” She sighed. “I left the Bureau three weeks ago and am working for the private sector now. I’m not going to lie and tell you that I’m looking forward to asking for maternity leave. I just got started and, while it takes away from the glow of the move a little bit, I’ve never been more excited about something in my life. Alex,” she smiled now. “We’re going to have a baby! Once I got over the initial shock, I was thrilled. We’re going to have someone to take care of, someone who’s sure to have the best of both of us. How could I not be happy? Plans, shmlans,” she added, waving them off.

“So you’re happy?”

She nodded. “Aren’t you?”

He smiled now, too. “The shock was…wow. I was thinking about it last night, and I know it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You, Jordan, our baby—all of it. I have everything I’ve ever dreamed of, and I couldn’t be happier.”

Not even if you married me? The thought popped into her mind, and Regan squished the hurt she hadn’t been able to get rid of entirely. Instead, she smiled. “We’re going to have a lot of fun shopping for baby things. I think I have some of Jordan’s old things, but if it’s a girl, we’re going to need a lot more accessories, you know?”

He grinned. “You’ve never had the great opportunity to have the Alexander James McLean Shopping Experience. Our baby, girl or boy, is going to be the most fashionable baby in the world. Trust me.”

She did. Completely. With everything in her life, and she only wished she could tell him that somehow. As their jet finally began its takeoff, she pressed her hands over her belly and closed her eyes. She wasn’t a big fan of flying to begin with, but now she was worried about the effect such a bumpy ride would have on her baby. Though her doctor had claimed it was okay in the first trimester and a half, she wasn’t sure.

“Don’t worry, it’s almost over,” AJ said soothingly, as he laid his own hand over hers. He was surprised when she turned one hand over and laced her fingers with his. He’d expected her to shake his hands off and claim she was fine.

She gave him a small smile. “We’ve got half an hour to kill. Distract me. Please.”

“Okay.” He lifted her hand to his lips. “When do you want to tell Jordan he’s going to be a big brother?”

Well, that was certainly distracting. When was she going to tell her son? Regan didn’t know. In the worry over telling AJ about their child, she’d completely forgotten to worry about her son’s reaction.

“I don’t know,” she answered honestly. “I hadn’t really thought about it.”

“When this plane lands, we can go pick him up from your mom’s place and tell him. Together. How’s that sound?”

Now she raised their joined hands to her lips, grateful. “It sounds perfect.”

***

Sienna opened the front door and winced. Internally. Ah, the cavalry, she thought. She supposed he was entitled to confide in someone as she had confided in Liv already.

She’d been surprised that he hadn’t said anything when she’d asked for the divorce. He’d gotten up and walked out the door. She hadn’t bothered going after him, knowing it was futile. She’d hurt him deeply, and he probably needed time to get past the initial shock and hurt before he could speak to her. Or so she thought. Hoped. It was obvious from her current visitor that he’d gone where everyone went when they were hurt. Home.

“Jackie.” She forced a smile, thinking of the inevitable conversation. “It’s great to see you. How are you?”

Jackie pushed her sunglasses onto her forehead and stared hard at Sienna. “Confused.”

Sienna sighed and held the door open so Jackie could enter. “I think we’d better sit.”

“Where are my grandbabies?” Jackie asked as she settled into an armchair in the living room.

Sienna sat across from her mother-in-law. “They’re with Kevin and Kristin. I know Nick’s over there, so I thought it would be nice if they got to spend time with someone they don’t see very often.”

Jackie nodded. “That’s good.” She paused. “Why don’t you tell me why you’re hurting my son so badly?”

Sienna swallowed the nerves. The moment of truth. “I can’t stand watching him hurt every time I push him away because I can’t be with him, so the easiest thing to do is let him go. Set him free.”

“Setting him free when all he wants is to stay in where he is? Where he’s happy?”

Sienna shook her head. “Brian’s not happy. I’ve done nothing but make him miserable because I’ve been selfishly looking out for myself since…since everything happened.”

“Since you were raped.” When Sienna nodded, Jackie continued. “How much does that have to do with your decision to ask for a divorce?”

“Quite a bit,” Sienna admitted. “Jackie, I can’t be the wife Brian needs me to be. He needs someone who’ll be able to love him, physically and emotionally. I can be there emotionally, but the physical is practically out of the question. I can’t touch him, can’t bear the idea of him, or any man, touching me. The therapist I go to keeps telling me that I’m well on my way to being fully recovered, but, if that’s true, I can’t feel the terror dissipating at all. I can’t see myself being, well, intimate with anyone for the foreseeable future. With all that, I don’t see how my marriage is going to be happy ever again.”

Jackie leaned forward and grasped Sienna’s hand. “Do you think sex is all that makes up a marriage?”

She shook her head. “No, but it is important. Do you think you and Harold would have had the same relationship you have now if it hadn’t been for the physical aspect of your marriage?”

Jackie had to admit Sienna had a point. Sort of. “Honey, I can see the point you’re trying to make, but, ask yourself, has Brian even hinted that he wants out of your marriage? Has he ever said that he’s tired of you playing tug-of-war with his emotions? That he wants to make love with you even though he knows you’re not ready for that?”

“I’ve disappointed him by letting the world know that we have distance in our marriage,” Sienna replied. “We had such arguments over that interview last month, and he still went through with it.”

“Because he loves you,” Jackie pointed out. “He wants whatever it takes to make you happy.”

“Even when it hurts him?” Sienna wondered then shook her head. “I can’t be happy when I can see that he’s upset. If we separate, he’ll be able to find someone else who’ll love him the way I can’t. He’ll be happier, I know it.”

Jackie sighed. “Do you really believe he’ll be able to even look at another woman as long as he’s in love with you?”

“If we continue on the way we are, he won’t love me for much longer. I don’t want him to resent me for trapping him, so I want to let him go while we can still be friends,” Sienna explained. “I want us to be able to raise our children together without being angry with each other all the time. Please, Jackie, please try to understand.”

Much as she despised admitting that Sienna really believed she was doing this for Brian’s sake, Jackie hated the idea of divorce and the fact that it would surely kill her son to lose the woman he loved.

“I can’t agree with it, dear,” she finally said. “But I’ll tell you this. I think it’s too soon to give up. Just wait. That’s all I’m asking. Just wait, and, if things get worse, then think about counseling, anything. Leave divorce as the last resort. Okay?”

Sienna nodded. “I’ll think about it.”

***

Brian found her where his mother had left her. She sat on a sofa in the living room, staring at the vase of lilies on the side table. She looked lost in thought, and his first instinct was to walk away and leave the inevitable argument for later. His mother had convinced him to talk things over with Sienna, seek counseling, and giving their relationship more time to heal before admitting defeat. The truth was, Brian thought now, that he never wanted to admit defeat. He knew, without a doubt, that Sienna was the only woman he’d ever be in love with, and he’d fight the devil himself before he let her go.

“Sienna.”

She looked up and, seeing him, smiled slightly. “You’re home. Sit, please.”

He nodded and sat in the chair his mother had been sitting in hours before. “I’m sorry I walked out this morning without saying anything. I was too shocked to speak and was afraid that I’d regret anything that might spill out. Forgive me?”

Sienna shook her head. “I don’t need to forgive you, I wasn’t angry with you. I’d rather you forgive me for hurting you.”

He sighed. “I can’t let you go, Sienna. You’re a part of me, and I can’t lose you. It would kill me, can’t you see that?”

“I know. I didn’t want to think about divorce or us being apart, but, every time I see how you’re hurting, I can’t help but think that you might be better off without me. I can’t give you what you need.”

“What? What do you think I need?”

She pressed her lips together, trying to pick the best words. “Brian, I can’t be with you, physically. And, before you say we can have a marriage without sex, think about it. Can you really imagine spending the rest of our lives together without having any sort of physical contact?”

He shook his head. “You’re going to recover, Sienna. You’re going to get past this, and, one day, we’ll be able to make love again. As much as I’d love to be with you, I can wait.” He smiled. “I promise, I’m not some sex-crazed teenager.”

“I know you’re not, but I don’t know if I’m ever going to fully recover enough to be intimate with any man. I won’t watch you be a monk for the rest of your life,” she insisted.

He held up a hand. “Actually, being a monk wouldn’t be so bad because they have awesome outfits and spend a lot of time praising God. There’s nothing wrong with being a monk.”

Sienna couldn’t hold back the smile, but she still sighed, exasperated. “I love you, Brian, but please don’t joke about this. I want you to be happy.”

His face was serious now. “We took vows, Sienna. I promised to cherish, honor, and love you through the good and the bad, through everything. I took those vows seriously, and I’m going to be here ‘’til death do us part’. You’re it for me, baby. If we get a divorce, I’ll spend my life alone, without you. I’d rather be with you and physically separated instead of spending my life without you.”

Her heart was swelling with everything she felt for him. “Me, too, Brian.”

“Okay. Okay, then.” Relief coursed through him. “Then let’s just trash the divorce idea. If we need help, we’ll get counseling, but divorce isn’t an option. Can we agree on that?”

Though she was sure all their best intentions wouldn’t get them anywhere, she nodded. “Okay.”

***

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