Chapter 37

Kevin watched his cousin belt out the words to the song they were currently recording and sighed. Brian was trying too hard, and it was obvious to the other men as well. Ever since Shane and Marlena’s wedding a month and a half before, Brian had come back to record with troubles hanging like a black cloud over his head. To combat it in his own way, Brian had bumped up his energy level, fooling around with Nick the way they had ten years before, singing with extreme levels of energy, and being overly bubbly. He wondered how Brian could miss the way everyone was watching him, waiting for him to either fall apart or tell them what had happened.

“Hey guys.” Kevin turned back to the other three Boys, who were lounging in the recording studio, watching their bandmate record his part. “Got time to talk?”

“Yes, Kevin, oh Master of the Universe, such as it is,” Nick replied, mock bowing to Kevin.

AJ rolled his eyes. “Shut up, Nick, oh Idiot of the Universe. What’s up, Kevin?”

They’d spent too much time in the studio, Kevin decided. That’s why they were all snarky with each other. Maybe it would be best if they ended their session early today.

“After Brian’s done, we’re taking the rest of the day off,” he announced, changing his plans. Maybe, if they got Brian out of the studio, they could pry his problems out of him.

Nick fell off his chair. “What? Are you serious?”

“Sounds good to me,” Howie said, his eyes on Brian. He knew a little bit of what had gone down between Sienna and Brian and had decided that he would bring it up soon. Today, though, was as good a day as any to corner Brian.

Kevin nodded. “Well, then. If AJ has no problems with it, we’ll end…now,” he said as Brian slipped the headphones off and pushed the door to the booth open.

“What’s going on?” he asked as four sets of eyes watched him. He wasn’t stupid. They hadn’t said anything, but he knew they were wondering what had happened to him. The first two weeks of recording, he’d been in a depressing mood, but, now, he was trying to forget the problems he had left in Lexington by being as cheerful as possible. He could almost forget that divorce was still hanging over his head like a noose. Almost.

“We’ve got the rest of the day off,” AJ informed him. “I say we go to the beach. Together. I mean, I know all of us probably want to go off and do our own thing because we’ve been spending too much time together, but I think we need to do a little relaxing together, too. What do you say?”

Howie, Nick, and Kevin immediately voiced their agreement, but Brian was silent. He wasn’t sure that he’d be able to hold up his cheerful front if they weren’t in a working environment. Outside, it would be too easy to tell them everything, but he didn’t want to say the word “divorce” out loud. It would make the possibility of it too real.

“I don’t know, guys,” he began. “I’m kinda tired, and I was thinking about calling home and talking with the kids.”

“Come on, Brian. Just come to the beach for a little while,” Nick insisted. Leaving Brian alone was starting to look too dangerous. “Please?”

The other guys agreed with Nick, and Brian realized he really didn’t have a choice. He shrugged. “Sure, why not?”

“Yes! Let’s go!” Nick jumped up and ran to the door.

Kevin shook his head. “It’s nice to know some things will never change.”

***

“How did you handle romantic relationships with men after you were raped?” There. She’d asked what had been on her mind for a long time.

The other women in the room smiled, some sadly and others brightly. Sienna didn’t know how to take their body language, but she hoped they’d tell her something good. The support group had been fantastic so far in helping her deal with her feelings about herself, her body, and truly being able to realize that what had happened had been Scott’s fault—all of it. She’d been coming for three months and enjoyed each meeting in one of the University of Kentucky’s cozy Trustees’ lounges. They knew who she was, how could they not? But they treated her like one of them—which she supposed she was. She’d survived sexual abuse as they all had, and they’d taken her in and helped her understand her confused, mixed up feelings.

Now, she was finally asking a question for Brian’s sake. It had been six weeks since she’d spoken of divorce, and they’d made the decision to tough it out. They’d both been making the effort to make the other happy, but she found herself wondering how well it was going to work in the long run. She hadn’t told the support group about what had happened, until now. She hoped they’d say something positive. She needed positive.

“I think it depends on the woman,” Jenny, the leader of the group began. “I know when it came to how I would reconnect with my fiancé at the time, it was hard because he didn’t know what it was I needed, and I thought he’d be repulsed by me. Luckily, we were able to talk about it and, well, we’ve been married for ten years.”

“Not everyone has that experience,” Kat, another woman, spoke up.

She was fortyish, with a dark cap of hair, blue eyes, and dressed like a corporate exec. If Sienna hadn’t known better, she’d never have thought Kat with her amazing amount of self-confidence had ever been raped. Just goes to show it can happen to anyone, Sienna reminded herself.

“What’s the other side of Jenny’s experience?” Sienna wondered.

Kat smiled ruefully. “I felt like there was a hole in me, one that needed to be filled. Instead of staying away from men, I thought that I needed to be with a man to make me whole again. It sounds strange, I know, but I hated the way I felt so dirty. I figured what difference did it make if I was with lots of men? It wasn’t as though one of them hadn’t already violated me, right? Good thing I learned better, but it just goes to prove that not everyone can return to a healthy relationship with a man.”

Sienna swallowed hard. She was afraid of that.

***

AJ studied the Pacific Ocean through tinted lenses and tried to think of the best way to bring up the subject.

“I have to tell you guys something,” he blurted out. Crap. Now he’d have to say something for sure. Why had his mouth opened on its own?

Howie and Kevin looked over at him. “What’s up, AJ?”

AJ looked over at Brian and Nick as they tossed a stick to Nick’s newest puppy and watched it gambol back to them. “Call them over, Kev. I think they should hear this, too.”

Nodding, Kevin stood. “Carter, Littrell! Get your asses over here. Now!”

Brian turned to look over at his cousin and frowned. He looked serious. “Hey, Nick.” He nudged the blonde. “I think we’re wanted back there. It looks serious.”

“Yeah?” Nick shielded his eyes with his hand and looked back at their friends. “Yeah.” He scooped the fat puppy up as they walked back.

Brian dropped down onto the sand next to AJ. “What’s up fellas?”

Howie jerked a thumb in AJ’s direction. “He’s got some news for us.”

“Yeah?” Nick looked interested. “What’s going on?”

AJ licked his lips and tried not to be nervous. There was nothing to be nervous about because he couldn’t go back and change his decisions. Right? “Regan asked me to marry her.” There was pin-drop silence, and he started to feel more uncomfortable. “Well? Aren’t you gonna say anything?”

“Uh…congratulations?” Howie offered.

AJ sighed. “You’re not happy, are you?”

“Only because you don’t seem thrilled with the idea,” Kevin told him. “I think Regan’s good for you. She keeps you on your toes and won’t let you mess around, so good for her.”

“I said no.”

“What?!”

He grinned. “Well, I do believe that’s the first time outside of a studio that you’ve all said something together. And unorchestrated, too.”

Brian shook his shoulder. “What’s wrong with you? The woman you love asks you to marry her and you refuse? Exactly how many times were you dropped on your head when you were younger?”

AJ shrugged. “She’s pregnant, too. I’m gonna be a dad, guys.”

Now he was sure they were going to explode. Nick was staring at him like he’d just grown two heads, Kevin’s frown was so deep AJ was sure he was going to have new wrinkles, Howie watched him with raised brows, and Brian scratched his head.

“I don’t get it,” Nick finally said. “You’ve got a woman who loves you, a kid who loves you, and another one on the way, but you said no to getting married? Even I know that’s pretty messed up. What’s going on, J?”

“She told me she was pregnant and then asked me to marry her,” AJ explained. “Come on, one of you tell me you can see why I did what I had to do.”

Kevin nodded. “You don’t want to marry her because you think she feels obligated to now that you’ve gotten her pregnant. Right?” AJ nodded. “Okay, then. It’s your decision, even if I still think you should marry her. Opportunities like this don’t come up every day.”

“I know, Kevin. I mean, for God’s sake, I love her! She’s the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing before I go to bed. I can’t stop loving her, but I wish I knew if she loved me or not.”

“Why not just ask her?” Nick wondered. When the other four looked at him like he’d grown two heads, he whined. “Don’t. Don’t look at me like I’m stupid! I don’t get it! Why can’t he just ask her if she loves him? We’re in the freaking twenty first century; you don’t have to wait for the girl to tell you or whatever.”

Howie rolled his eyes. “Nick, if someone tells you something without you asking them to, don’t you think it’s a little more genuine than you asking and them telling you what they think you want to hear?”

“Uhh…”

“The answer is yes, pal,” Brian told him and Nick shrugged.

“Whatever.” He looked at AJ again. “So you’re going to be a dad? Congratulations! How do you feel?”

“Thanks and overwhelmed. Did you ever think I’d actually be a dad this soon?” AJ wondered aloud. “Because I sure as hell didn’t.”

“I think you’ll be a great father,” Kevin told him.

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t have an example when you were younger, I think you’ll do a great job,” Kevin assured him.

AJ waved it off. “I do have great examples. The three of you.” He pointed to Brian, Howie, and Kevin. “You guys are amazing with your kids, and I hope I’m the same way.”

“Thanks, AJ. It means a lot,” Brian told him sincerely.

“So you and Regan are going to raise the baby together?” Howie wondered.

He nodded. “I want to be a part of our baby’s life, and she was surprised that I’d think I wasn’t allowed to be a part of it. So, yeah, we’re raising our kid together. Jordan, too,” he added.

“I take it Jordan’s excited?” Kevin asked.

“Yup. He wants a sister because she probably won’t want to share his video games.” AJ grinned. “I’m terrified he’s gonna turn into a Nick Carter down the road. Video game junkie.”

“Hey!”

Laughing at Nick’s consternation, Brian had an idea. “Why don’t we go out to dinner? You know, celebrate the newest addition to the Backstreet family?”

“And Nick can pay,” AJ added.

Nick scowled at them. “Just because I’m younger does not mean I’m dumber than you guys.”

“Really?” Howie grinned, thrilled at the opportunity to exact revenge on Nick for all the practical jokes of which he ended up being the victim.

Sand flew.

***

“So, have you been bonding with the Daniels?” Brian asked when they were settled in the corner of an Italian restaurant.

AJ frowned at the eggplant on Kevin’s pasta. “Dude, I can’t believe you actually eat that stuff.”

“That stuff is important for your health, buddy,” Kevin retorted.

Nick snorted. “Nah. It’s only good for old people, like you.”

Howie hid his smile by taking another forkful of fettuccini and looked over at AJ again. “So have you? Been chilling with Regan’s family?” he clarified, seeing AJ’s blank look.

“Oh, yeah. We celebrated Jordan’s birthday last week when we had that break, and I’ve gone golfing with her dad and godfather. Which was pretty nerve-wracking,” he admitted. “I mean, they’re like big shots for the FBI, and, there I was, golfing with them.”

“How’d you do?” Brian asked.

AJ grinned. “I beat her godfather, but her dad’s really good. Either way, I think I’ve won them over. James said he’s glad I’m his second grandchild’s father because the first one was a no-good piece of rat shit. Or something like that.”

“Well, considering who Jordan’s sperm donor was, I’d say that’s a correct description,” Howie pointed out.

“Yeah.” He usually didn’t think about the bastard, whoever he’d been. It only made his throat burn with anger. “We got a sonogram and ultrasound done a couple weeks ago,” he announced.

“Aren’t they the coolest thing?” Brian remembered the two he’d been to. “Hearing the heartbeat and seeing your kid. It’s the most amazing thing.”

AJ nodded. “The heartbeat was so fast. Thump, thump, thump. I thought the kid had an irregular heartbeat, but the OB said babies’ hearts are supposed to sound like that. She said the baby’s perfectly normal in development.”

“Do you know what it is?” Kevin wondered. “Or are you leaving it as a surprise?”

AJ shrugged. “I didn’t care either way, but Regan said she wanted to be surprised. I guess we’ll find out in January, huh?”

“Maybe it’ll be born on your birthday,” Nick suggested. “It would be like a birthday present, wouldn’t it?”

“Yeah.” He wondered if the baby would look like him. “Either way, I’m gonna be a father, and, nervous as I am, I love the baby already. If anything happened, I don’t know what I’d do.”

Brian patted his shoulder. “Your baby’s going to be born healthy, and you’re going to be a great dad. You’re doing a good job with Jordan, so there’s no way you’ll do anything wrong.”

“I hope so. I really hope so,” he murmured and thoughtfully ate through the last of his lasagna.

“On that lovely note, I have an announcement to make,” Kevin spoke up.

Nick raised his hand. “We have the rest of the week off?” His voice was hopeful, and Brian stifled a laugh.

“No, Nickolas. Sean’s first birthday is coming up next month,” Kevin told them. “Kris and I are planning a party. It’s probably going to be a barbecue deal. Really family-oriented,” he added.

“Boring,” Nick decided.

Howie shrugged. “I can’t believe it’ll be September soon, but, hey, I think it sounds like fun. We do have families, so it should be family-oriented. It doesn’t mean we can’t hang out and have fun.”

“I’ll try to convince Regan and Jordan to come. It’ll have to be on a weekend, though,” AJ told Kevin. “Jordan’s got school starting again.”

“And that sounds so damn fatherly it’s a wonder you’re worried at all about whether or not you’ll be a good dad.” Nick shook his head and slid down in his chair. “Man, we’re dropping like flies on flypaper to this whole family and domesticity deal.”

“’Flies on flypaper’? Riiight.” Brian shook his head. “I’m sure Sienna and I’ll be there with our kids. If you need any help getting stuff together, let us know.”

“Will do. So, what do you guys think of the new material?” Kevin asked.

Nick shrugged. “I vote that we let Howie and Brian write most of the stuff. They’re good with the whole pop/rock deal. I’d rather do that than R&B anyway.”

“I agree,” AJ spoke up. “I mean, the R&B songs we’re getting just don’t fit into what’s playing on the radio these days. Everything’s either pop/rock, hard rock, or hip-hop. We’re only going to be able to fit into the pop/rock category, so we should stick to it.”

“Well, I did write a lot when Ryan was colicky, and I was watching him,” Howie told them. “I just didn’t bring it up because I didn’t know if you guys wanted it or not.”

“Let’s hear it, D. I’m sure they’ll be great,” Brian assured him. “I haven’t really thought about writing, but I could try.”

“Why don’t we all try?” Kevin suggested. “I mean, we’ve all tried to write collectively or in pairs for other albums, why not write separately? Brian was successful with it, so was Nick. Let’s try to write on our own and bring it back to the group.”

“Sounds good to me,” AJ decided after thinking it over. The other three agreed.

Kevin clapped his hands together. “Well, then. I think we should all get started tonight. So, Nick, pay for dinner, and we can get going.”

“Maaaaan!” Nick whined. “I hate when this happens!”

The others threw straw wrappers and napkins at him.

***

Brian lay awake that night. It had been so easy to just spend time with the guys and forget about everything that was worrying him. In the six weeks since he and Sienna had decided to stick out their marriage and work through the rough patch, he’d really tried. He knew she had, too. When he was out in LA recording with the guys, she called every night, and they talked for hours. He would tell her about the recording, and she would talk about the shop, the kids, and how Luke had started sliding across the floor on his belly. It was never about the state of their marriage, though, and Brian was thankful for the avoidance of that topic.

When he’d gone home for a weekend at the end of July, they’d celebrated the twins’ second birthday and gotten along as though nothing was wrong. It felt like they were the way they’d been before they’d gotten involved romantically. She had been his best friend, and he was glad that end of their relationship was returning to normal. It gave him hope, and it was that hope that he continued to hold onto through each day. He knew he shouldn’t try so hard in front of his friends, but he didn’t want them to know, didn’t need their pitying looks, or their sympathy. Quite simply, he didn’t know what he wanted—from anyone, including his wife. The only thing he wanted for sure was for things to return to normal.

“And that’s not happening any time soon,” he told the dark walls of his room. Closing his eyes, he tried to shut out reality and, hours later, managed to succeed.

***

Next

Back to index