Chapter 38

“Am I doing it right?”

“Huh?”

“Reconciliation? Am I doing it right? Pay attention, Livvy.”

“How does he seem? Is he happier, less worried?”

Sienna lifted her foot and examined the coral polish. “I think so, but maybe it’s just wishful thinking.” She looked over at Liv whose face was covered with white goo. “That and the fact that he’s across the country, and all I have to judge by is his voice.”

“Kevin says he’s hyper, extremely zany over there. He’s apparently acting like he did right before he met Leighanne and started cleaning up his act.” Kristin peeled the cucumbers off her eyes and looked over at Sienna. “My husband thinks his cousin’s hurting and is trying to cover it up.”

Sienna sighed and capped the bottle of polish. “I knew it. I knew it was wishful thinking. It’s just that I thought we were doing so well when he came home for Serena and Kara’s birthday. And he surprised me with a romantic dinner on my birthday. Everything just seemed like it was getting better.”

“But he’s still not happy?” Liv poked the hardening mixture on her face. “Maybe he feels like you guys are trying too hard.”

“Or maybe he thinks you’re still holding onto your belief that divorce is the best way for the two of you to go,” Kristin suggested. “So the question is, are you?”

***

I’ve had enough of not believing

Living life without a meaning

I want something real

And I feel it when I’m next to you

“You know, I think you’re getting prettier,” he told her.

She rolled her eyes. “Nice try, McLean. There is no way I look better now than I did before I started gaining weight. Now, I feel like a beached whale, and I’m only halfway along!”

“But you look gorgeous, and I would know. I’m the one looking at you. You’re biased, so I’m going to have to keep telling you the truth,” AJ decided.

He thought the pout she wore on her face was beautiful, the way her hair rested on her shoulders was amazing, and the way her belly was rounding with their child made him wish he were three thousand miles across the country, near her.

“I’ll listen, but I’m not going to believe you,” she told him, smirking.

He tapped a finger on the screen where her nose was. “Just as long as you’re listening, babe.”

“Jordan started school today,” Regan informed him, changing the subject.

AJ grinned to himself. It felt so right just talking about normal, every day things that other parents talked about. And that’s what he felt like when he was with Regan and Jordan—a parent, a dad. He’d been wrong about his relationship with Regan going down the drain—instead, it had gotten better. They spent time together doing things like going to the movies, having meals together, and, on a few memorable occasions, going shopping. It had been a little weird taking Jordan back-to-school shopping, but he’d thoroughly enjoyed it.

“Cool, so how’d he like his first day of fourth grade? I remember loving fourth grade…but that’s probably because I won the talent show with my ventriloquism,” he recalled.

She smiled and shook her head. “Of course you did. Trust you to be the one with the truly unique talent. I think Jordan’s liking it—at least, he likes his teacher, and that’s always one of the most important parts of school.”

“What about his friends?”

Regan shrugged, her smile dimming a little. “He’s always been the quiet kid in school, so he never made any real friends. Which always made me a little sad, but he was talking about a couple of the kids in his class and what they did during recess. I hope this means he’s starting to break out of his shell.”

AJ remembered how she’d told him about Jordan’s personality change when he’d come into the picture. How, before April, Jordan had never shown much enthusiasm for anything or anyone his age and had always wanted to play alone. After meeting AJ, though, Jordan had started wanting to play more with others and been enthusiastic about hanging out with kids from his baseball team outside of games and practices.

“Improvement!” AJ grinned. “I’m excited about this, now. I mean, I could host like sleepovers for his friends and play video games, eat pizza, and prank call people…or not,” he added, seeing Regan’s brows lift. “But the sleepovers or little parties or whatever could be a lot of fun!”

She had to smile, how could she not? The man was crazy about her kid and was planning parties for Jordan’s future friends already. She vaguely wondered what a Backstreet Boys’ bash for kids would be like. “I’m sure you could do that, but are you sure about loaning out your house to a bunch of nine year olds?”

“Why not? I’ve lived with Nick long enough to know how a nine year old’s mind works,” he pointed out. “Besides, I love when Jordan comes over. We always have fun together.”

“Yeah, he does like spending time there,” Regan admitted. When the fluttering began, her breathing jerked, and she pressed a hand to her belly.

“What? What is it? What’s wrong?” He could tell something had happened, but all he could see was her looking down.

When she lifted her face to his, the huge smile on her face surprised him. “The baby moved again! I know, I’ve felt it before, but it makes me feel so happy every time it happens.”

He desperately wished he were there. He’d felt the baby move before; this wasn’t the first time. But he hated that, even when he was in DC, they weren’t together all the time during their free time, and he wanted to be with her all the time, for whenever the baby moved, for anything to that happened.

“I’m guessing our kid’s active, huh? I can’t wait to see what he, or she,” he added, “will look like. Oh, and I have to learn to change diapers, too. I didn’t think I’d be this excited about that whole process, but I am.”

She grinned. “I can teach you.” She paused. “I’m glad you want to be so involved in our baby’s life.”

“Why wouldn’t I be? Heck, I’ve got paint chips all picked out for the nursery, and my mom’s been filling up one of the rooms in my house with everything she’s bought so far for the baby,” he told her.

“In your house? You’ve got a nursery in your house?” She sighed. “Alex, I don’t know how often the baby’s going to be able to stay in your place overnight.”

AJ could feel his smile sliding off his face and could do nothing to stop it. He’d known they’d have this conversation about the baby’s living arrangement, but he’d been hoping it wouldn’t happen for a while.

“Regan, I want to be there for our kid, day and night. I want to be woken up in the middle of the night for feedings or to rock him or whatever. Please, don’t take that away from me,” he pleaded.

She shook her head. “I don’t know how it’ll work out, Alex. We have to think about what’s best for the baby.”

“Why don’t you and Jordan just move in with me?” He held up a hand when her mouth opened, sure to protest. “I know you want your own space, but I’ve got plenty of room. This way, we’ll both be able to raise our baby and Jordan together. Please, Regan. You haven’t even stepped foot in the house yet. What are you so afraid of?”

“AJ…”

A knock sounded on his door. “McLean! You in there?”

Brian. AJ sighed. The discussion was going to have to be tabled until some other time. “Yeah, Littrell. Come on in.”

The door opened and Brian bounded into the room. When he spotted the computer screen, he hurried over. “Hey, pretty lady! How’s it going?”

Regan gave him a smile. “It’s going good, hot stuff. How about you?”

He shrugged. “Eh, not too bad. How’s the newest member of Backstreet doing?”

She grinned and patted her stomach. “He’s doing great.”

“Good.”

AJ shoved his friend aside. “That’s my kid and his mom you’re making time with, Brian. Go find your own.”

Brian grinned. “Can’t. They’re probably asleep by now. Anyway, Howie wants us to go dancing, and he’s not taking no for an answer.”

“Where’s Ryan going to stay?” Liv and Ryan were out in LA for the weekend because Howie had been missing them, so AJ assumed Howie and Liv wanted to have a little fun, too.

Brian cackled. “Kevin’s watching him because he claims he’s too old to go clubbing. Pssht. How can anyone be too old to dance?” he asked Regan.

“I don’t think you can, but, hey, Kevin’s choice, right?” She smiled. “I’ll bet you’re never going to be too old, though.”

“You bet right!” Brian cha cha-ed in front of the screen until AJ smacked him away.

“Ignore the dork, Regan.” He smiled at Brian’s protest. “I’ll talk to you later, then. Don’t forget to take your vitamins, stay off your feet, and tell Jordan I love him, please?”

“Yes, sir.” She saluted him. “Have fun, guys.”

“We will,” Brian called from the doorway. “Let’s go, AJ!”

“’Night, babe. I love you.” AJ pressed a kiss to his fingers and tapped them on the screen before it went blank. “Let’s shake some booty, B-Rok!”

***

“I hate being sick,” she moaned, sinking back down to the cold, tiled floor.

Brian pressed a wet towel to her bent neck. “I know it sucks, but the chemo’s helping you beat the cancer cells. I think it’s like the lesser of two evils.”

“I don’t think she sees it that way,” Lia told him as Kelly pushed his hands away and wretched into the toilet again.

When Kelly began to cry weakly, Brian sighed, miserable. When was life going to give up and stop hurting the women in his life? First Sienna, now Kelly. It was a never-ending cycle of tears, fears, and pain, and he was tired, oh so tired, of it all.

“Come here, baby,” he soothed, sliding his arms around her. “It’s going to be okay. It’ll get better, I promise. Haven’t the doctors said you’re almost cured?”

Kelly swiped the tears away as he helped her climb into her bed and tucked the covers around her. “Almost only counts in horseshoes and…oh, Brian. It hasn’t even been a year that I’ve been living with this disease, but I just don’t think I can handle it anymore.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m…” her voice trailed off as she squeezed her eyes shut. He laid a hand over hers and sent up a prayer to God to give her strength. “I don’t know. I’m so tired, just so tired…”

Lia smoothed a hand over Kelly’s hair. “It’s okay. Just close your eyes and try to sleep. Everything’ll look better when you wake up.”

“You guys are the best,” Kelly murmured, her voice faint. “Could you…? Do you think…?”

“What is it?” Lia put her arms around her closest friend.

Her eyes were closed, and Brian noticed Kelly’s breathing slowing, deepening. “Do you think you could sing, Brian?” she murmured sleepily.

“Of course, I can,” he assured her. “What do you want to hear?”

“Anything.” It was a whisper.

“Sure. Let me think up a good one.”

Everybody needs affection

Looking for a deep connection

So put a little bit of love in my life today

Everybody needs some shelter

Spend a little time together

Come into my arms

Let them tell you what I wanna say

***

“Howie! Why hasn’t Ryan stopped crying yet? Did you break him?” Liv swiped her bangs out of her eyes as she concentrated on the cake she was trying to bake. “Si, can you hand me the eggs?”

Sienna handed her three beaten egg yolks in a bowl and grinned. “Want me to go see what your husband’s doing to my godchild?”

Liv rolled her eyes. “I’m betting Howie’s stuck on a song he’s writing and won’t leave it, not even to get Ry. The man’s a little obsessive about work sometimes. He does the same thing when he’s working on a contract for some place he’s buying.” She whipped the batter after the eggs had been added. “He’s probably in need of having his diaper changed, and Howie’ll do it; he’s not really irresponsible. But, go ahead and make sure my baby’s okay, would you?”

“No problem.”

When Sienna had left the kitchen, Liv continued to beat her batter. She’d volunteered to bake Sean Richardson’s first birthday cake, and, knowing Liv was a dessert chef, Kristin had agreed. Unfortunately, baking at home was more difficult than baking in a restaurant since she had a husband and baby to worry about here.

“Did Howie shake and break your kid?” Brian wondered as he wandered into the kitchen, one daughter attached to each leg.

“Daddy! Play!” Kara insisted, clawing at his jeans.

Brian shifted Luke in his arms and looked down at his daughters. “Honey, Daddy’s got to get Luke to drink his bottle first, then he’ll play. Okay?”

Serena’s face scrunched up as her mouth opened to emit a wail. “Daddy! Nonononono! Now!”

“Oh, boy.” Brian scooped up his daughter with one hand, plopped Luke into Ryan’s high chair, and lifted Kara up, too. “Okay, here’s my final offer, girls. Give me ten minutes. Just ten. Please, God, please let them understand.” He lifted his eyes towards the ceiling. When Luke began to fuss, he sighed heavily.

Liv set aside the batter and couldn’t help but laugh as Brian tried to handle all three of his children. He was trying to please them all and looked adorable as he failed and all three began to wail. At the top of their lungs.

Before she could step forward to help, Sienna rushed back into the kitchen. “Brian! What is going on?” She lifted Luke up and, patting his back, grabbed his bottle out of the baby bag and gave it to the baby. “There, sweetie. That’s good. Now, let’s see what your sisters need.”

Brian had gotten one twin to quiet down, but Kara continued to scream. “Wanna play! Now!”

He looked over at Sienna. “Well, at least Luke’s happy for now.”

“Why don’t you take them outside for a walk?” Sienna suggested. “They usually like being outside.”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “Okay, girls! Who wants to go out?”

“Mememememememe!!!” both twins screamed at the top of their lungs.

Brian grinned. “Let’s go get our shoes, then, huh?”

When the twins had dragged Brian out of the kitchen, Liv burst into laughter. “That man is too adorable! You should’ve seen him before you got in here. He was trying to please them all and failed horribly.”

“It’s hard to keep all three happy at once unless they’re sleeping,” Sienna pointed out. “Oh, Howie said AJ called. He, Regan, and Jordan are four hours from Lexington, but Regan’s feet are swelling, so they stopped in West Virginia for the night. Can you imagine? AJ? A dad? I think it’s fantastic.”

“I think they both need to quit being stupid and get married,” Liv replied.

Sienna noted how much her son had drank so far. “Well, that goes without saying. I’m glad he convinced her to come for the bash tomorrow.”

“Do they know what the baby is?”

“They’re leaving it as a surprise. I’m just excited because it means another baby in the Backstreet camp to coo over and care for. That and just watching AJ handle the daddy lifestyle, you know? It’s bound to be interesting. Man. Another baby,” she mused.

Liv returned to her work, pouring the batter into a circular baking pan. “I know Ryan’s only seven months old, but Howie and I are thinking about trying for another one. I mean, by the time the next one comes along, Ryan’s going to be close to two, right? Besides, we’re sort of learning what it’s like to have more than one kid from you and Brian and Kevin and Kristin. So, what do you think?” She turned back to Sienna after popping the pan into the large convection oven, Howie had had installed before they’d moved into the house three years earlier.

“I think it’s great!” Sienna told her sincerely. “The two of you are doing a great job with Ryan. With the occasional exception,” she added, remembering walking in on Howie frantically trying to soothe his son. “But that’s supposed to happen. So, I say go for it!”

“Maybe we will,” Liv murmured, pulling out the ingredients to make frosting. “So, you and Brian seem to be doing well.”

“Yeah. I mean, he’s only been home since yesterday, but things have been pretty smooth,” Sienna admitted. “I think maybe divorce won’t even be an option.”

“Maybe.” Liv didn’t mention the way Brian had watched Sienna through dinner, hints of pain in his eyes as he watched her talk about her latest breakthrough: she was able to be held by her uncles and male cousins. Which meant that Brian was just about the only important man in her life she wasn’t able to be physically close to. When the phone rang, interrupting her thoughts, Liv reached over and grabbed it. “Hello? Oh, hey Kristin. No, I just put it in the oven. You want a what design? I thought we’d decided on a sailboat design…Okay, then. Environmental theme it is. Do I get free reign with what I actually put on it?…Okay, then. I’ll do that. Yup. No problem. Yeah, we’ll see you tomorrow at five. Bye.”

“Kris?” Sienna asked when Liv had hung up.

“Yeah.” She rummaged through her cabinets. “Kevin’s decided the cake should have a nature theme to it. You know, Domaine and all. I’m thinking trees, birds, and the sun as the decoration. What do you think?”

“I think you’re a genius in the kitchen.”

“That goes without saying,” Howie told her as he entered the kitchen. He walked over to Liv, and, sliding his arms around her, kissed her lightly. “Ryan’s sleeping. I think he’ll sleep all night.”

“Good. I thought you’d forgotten about him or something with the way he was screaming,” Liv replied, melting sugar in a pan.

Howie shook his head. “I could never forget him. I just couldn’t figure out why he was crying until I realized he just needed his bottle.”

“I love my smart man.” She kissed him again. “Well, it’s a good thing he’ll be sleeping the rest of the night, huh?”

“Oh?” Howie raised a brow. “Did you have plans?”

“Oh, I think I’ve got a few,” Liv informed him, smiling wickedly.

Sienna thought this moment would be a good time to escape and give them a little privacy, so she carried Luke out to the porch swing where they had a good view of Brian playing tag with the twins. Liv was right—Brian was adorable with their kids. Not that she hadn’t already known this, but there were times when it hit her. And he’s all mine, she thought. When the guilt began to eke its way into her, she shook it off and chuckled as Brian toppled onto the grass and the twins jumped onto him.

When he spotted her, he grinned. “I love you,” he called out.

She adored the thrill the words sent through her every time because, despite whatever they were going through, their feelings were still true. “I love you, too.”

Color my world

Draw on my heart

Take a picture of what you think love

Looks like in your imagination

Write on my soul

Everything you know

Use every word you’ve ever heard

To color my world

Lyrics from “Color My World” Backstreet Boys

***

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