Chapter 39

The smell of good barbecue was in the air, the chatter of voices was cheerful, and the music was pounding. Brian grinned as he heard Led Zeppelin turn into “Under the Sea.”

“A good mix for adults and kids, huh?” Brian chuckled, leading the twins through Kevin’s house.

“It’s cute,” Sienna agreed. “I bet all of the adult songs are the Parental Advisory versions, too.”

They pushed open the back door and stepped into the midst of family, friends, and kids. Kevin stood over the grill, wielding a spatula, Kristin poured drinks into tall glasses topped with umbrellas, while Jerald, Kevin’s older brother, played lifeguard with the kids in the swimming pool. The adults were scattered around the backyard, eating. Brian could see Marlena with Liv, Mac talking to Tim Richardson, and his own grandparents playing with Sean, the birthday baby.

“Daddy.” Serena tugged at Brian’s shorts, bringing his attention back to them. “Wanna go simming.”

“Pwease?” Kara added.

“My, what polite children we have,” Brian mused, crouching down with his daughters. “Where are your bathing suits, girls?”

Kara lifted her blue sundress, revealing a yellow and green suit. “Here!”

“Me, too!” Serena followed her sister and showed off her purple and blue one.

“Somebody’s ready to go swimming.”

Brian looked up as Shane studied his cousin’s daughters, a smile on his face. “They love the pool,” he told Shane.

Shane slung an arm around Sienna’s shoulders, and Brian tried his best to ignore the pang. “I bet they do. You guys are late.” He tapped Sienna’s nose.

She shrugged. “Luke was fussy, and the fertilizer supplier called. We’re here now.”

“Yes, you are,” Kristin spoke up as she walked over to them. “We were wondering where you were, since you live the closest to us.” She ruffled Serena’s curls. “You girls look ready to go swimming. Should I take them over to Jerald?” she asked Brian as the twins jumped up and down.

“Yeah.” He looked away from Sienna and Shane. They were cousins, practically brother and sister, he reminded himself. There was no reason to feel hurt. “I’ll go see if Kevin needs help.”

Kristin rolled her eyes. “You’re better off grabbing a drink and hanging out with the adults. Kevin’s on a grill power trip and won’t let anyone near it.”

“What else is new?” Brian chuckled. He spotted Regan in a chair with AJ fluttering around her. “You know, I think I’m gonna go save Regan from AJ’s overly helpfulness.”

“You’d think she’s the first woman to carry a child,” Kristin murmured, but her eyes were soft. “I think it’s cute, even if it is annoying her.”

“It’s different when it’s the woman you love who’s carrying your child,” Brian reminded her.

“True.” She turned to him and patted his shoulder. “We shouldn’t be overly sappy anymore. I’m gonna steal your girls now.”

“No problem.” He watched Kara and Serena grab Kristin’s hands and drag her to the pool before he turned and headed towards Regan and AJ.

“Brian!” Lucy Roberts, Sienna’s aunt, waved him over.

He hugged her. “Hey! I didn’t think we’d see you here. How’ve you been?”

“Good.” She patted the chair between her husband, Jacob, and her. “Sit, sit. Tell us how recording’s going and anything else that’s new in life.”

“Recording’s, well, recording. It’s got its good days and its bad ones. I think this album’s probably going to be released in March. If we’re lucky,” he added. “Other than that, life’s going.”

“You and Sienna doing all right?” Jacob asked.

Brian sighed. “We’re working on it,” he said simply.

“Are you happy?” Lucy wondered.

He watched Kara splash Bridget. “Sienna’s happy with the shop, and she’s really enjoying the support group meetings she goes to. So, yeah, she’s happy.”

Lucy laid a hand on his arm. “Brian, I didn’t ask about my niece. I asked if you are happy.”

“I’m as happy as I can expect to be.”

***

“Hey.” There was a tap on his shoulder, and Brian turned from his conversation with Mac to see who it was.

“Regan!” He jumped up and swept her up in a hug, careful of her belly. “I was going to come find you. How are you?” He studied her face. “You look good. You look happy.”

She smiled. “I am happy, except for the swollen feet. All in all, I’m not too bad.”

“Swollen feet? You should sit,” he told her, gently pushing her into the chair he’d been sitting in. “There. How’s that?”

She rolled her eyes. “You’re going to be as bad as Alex, aren’t you? He won’t stop clucking around me like a mother hen, worrying about whether I’m hydrated enough. Honestly, I’m pregnant, not dying.”

“He wants to take care of you. Let him,” Brian advised her.

She sighed. “I am. It’s just…I’ve never had anyone fuss around me like he does.”

“I think it’s because he’s in love with you,” Mac spoke up. When she looked over at him, he smiled. “Hi, I’m Mac. You must be Regan, FBI?”

She held out a hand. “More like PI, but yeah. And you are…?”

“Mac Jenkins. The guy who sent you all those notes on the Littrell kids’ health after they were rescued. So, you switched jobs?” He shook her hand.

She smiled. “I remember. It’s nice to meet you in person. And, yeah, I got a great offer from a firm, so off I went.”

“And now, you’re pregnant with McLean’s kid? It’s a small world.”

She laid a hand on her belly as the baby moved. “It is.”

“Well.” Mac stood. “I’m gonna go watch and laugh while Carter hits on my sister.” He gestured to Nick and a petite brunette who were talking by the edge of the pool. “I wonder when she’ll tell him she’s not into men.”

Brian’s mouth fell open. “Really? She’s not? Oh, man, we’ll get to rag on him forever for this one!” He chuckled as Mac left, but, when his gaze fell on Sienna hugging her uncles, the laughter died.

Regan noticed and placed a hand on his arm. “Brian. How are things between you and Sienna going?”

He shrugged, pushing the pain aside for the millionth time. “It’s okay. I didn’t sign up for miracles, right?” He gave her a small smile.

“I…can I tell you the truth?” Regan glanced over at Sienna, too.

“About?”

She pursed her lips before turning back to him. “I didn’t expect Sienna to take so long in recovering. I mean, she has all these loving men around her, especially you, to remind her that not every guy is like Scott. It took me nine years to really get over what happened to me because I never let myself get close enough to a man to really realize that they’re not all scum. But, Sienna…I’m sorry, Brian, but it’s weird how long it’s taking her.” She squeezed his hand. “And I can see how much it’s hurting you.”

Brian leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For caring, for worrying. For caring enough to worry.” He smiled. “We could’ve been just another case for you, but I’m glad we’re not.”

“Just another case?” She rolled her eyes. “Being pregnant with a Backstreet baby sort of makes it impossible for me to put you guys into a category with every other case I’ve solved.”

“True, true. So, tell me, what are you secretly hoping the baby’s going to be?” He leaned close. “Come on, you can tell me. I won’t tell anyone.”

“Brian!”

Brian had a second to turn to see who’d called him before his arms were full. He grinned. “Jordan! Hey, pal! I was wondering when I’d see you.” He brushed the water droplets off his face. “I see you’ve been in the pool.”

Jordan grinned and nodded, more water flying from his wet hair. “Yeah! I thought the party was going to be boring, but, when Mom and Alex said you and the twins and Luke were gonna be here, I knew it’d be awesome!”

“So you found the girls, huh?” Brian’s eyes flicked over to where he could see his daughters being wrapped in towels by Marlena.

Jordan nodded. “They’re great! And they got so big so fast!”

“Well, that’s what kids do, hon. I’m sure you look a lot older to Brian, too,” Regan pointed out.

“Really?” He looked at Brian. “Do I look older?”

Brian narrowed his eyes and studied the child’s face. “Well…your face seems a little older, your legs a little longer. Yeah, I think you’re looking older.”

“Cool!”

“So, are you ready to be a big brother?”

Jordan nodded, his eyes moving to rest on his mother’s belly. “I can’t wait! I hope it’s a girl, too! That way, she’ll play with her girly toys and leave my video games alone.”

Brian laughed. “I don’t know. I know a lot of girls who play video games, too.”

“Hey, look! The family’s all here!” AJ bustled over with two glasses of juice. “Here ya go. No caffeine, just pure pineapple, mango, and bananas!” he announced, handing Regan and Jordan glasses. “Sorry, B. I only had two hands.”

Brian stood, leaving his chair for AJ. “Nah, it’s cool. I’m gonna go feed the girls. I’ll see you guys later. Wanna help me out, Jordan?”

Jordan leapt up. “Yeah!”

Regan watched them go and sighed. “I wish things were different between him and Sienna.”

“I know. Every day it feels like you can see another piece of him dying inside. It’s awful to watch,” AJ murmured. “I just don’t know how to help them.”

“I don’t think anyone can really help them. They have to recover from this on their own.” She paused. “Does he talk to you guys about anything that’s going on?”

AJ shook his head. “Not really. We have to pull it out of him with a giant wrench if we want to know what’s wrong. When we’re in LA, he usually goes and spends time with Kelly, so I figure he’s probably telling her what’s going on.”

“But she’s sick, too,” Regan reminded him, referring to the fact that Kelly had recently announced her struggle with leukemia to the public. “I can’t imagine that he’d want to dump his problems on her while she’s got cancer.”

“Which is another thing that sucks,” AJ pointed out. “When are things going to be normal and happy again, huh? That’s what I’d like to know.”

“We can only hope.”

***

A man could only be thankful, Brian decided, that, despite his career as a singer, he didn’t have to harmonize on everything he sang in his life. That included the birthday song for baby Sean, who really wouldn’t have cared either way how the song sounded. He was more entertained by the candlelit cake that was decorated with trees, birds, a sun, and a dancing trio of bears—courtesy of Liv.

In Brian’s arms, Luke clapped along to the song, making Brian smile. His son was showing a great appreciation for music. Can’t start ‘em too young, he mused as the song ended, and everyone watched Kevin and Kristin blow out the candle on the cake for Sean, and Bridget insisted she help her brother cut his first cake.

Brian’s eyes drifted around the group gathered around the table and landed on Sienna and Shane. Shane had leaned over and was whispering something in her ear. As Brian watched, growing feelings of jealousy, annoyance, and an unsettling fear fisted in his belly. Sienna laughed at whatever it was her cousin had said to her and smacked his arm. Something was happening, he thought. A numb terror was rushing through him, and his breath was catching. Knowing the pain he’d kept pushing aside for months wouldn’t stay covered much longer, Brian turned and passed Luke off to AJ.

“Hold onto him for a while, AJ. I gotta go,” he murmured, not trusting his voice to hold steady.

AJ frowned. “Brian, what…?” But Brian had already disappeared from the backyard, and AJ shrugged and looked back at the Richardsons.

Sienna watched Brian leave. She’d seen the sheen of tears in his eyes, just as she’d seen anger, confusion, and other unidentifiable, to her, emotions flicker across his face. She’d caused those emotions, she knew, just as she’d caused every minute of pain Brian had felt for months. She’d been wrong, so wrong, when she’d thought that things were getting better. Something had happened in the last few minutes, she thought, something that filled her with dread. It’s done, she realized and felt her heart break.

When her vision went blurry with tears, she slipped away from the party and, hurrying into the house, sank onto a couch in the den. Somehow, when she’d contemplated the idea of leaving Brian, it hadn’t hit her what that really meant. In her heart of hearts, she knew that whatever had just happened was the beginning of the end. And she realized she didn’t want it to be. She loved Brian, she couldn’t imagine not having him around, and she couldn’t think about letting him go. But she’d have to end what she’d begun when she’d spoken two months before—no matter how much it hurt both of them. The way he’d looked at her, though…

I’ve hurt him too much, though, for anything else to happen now, she reminded herself. So when the tears slid faster and faster down her cheeks, she curled herself into a ball and let them come. Was this how Brian felt? her mind wondered. Did he feel this emptiness inside at the inevitability of what was to come or was it worse?

“Sienna?”

She sat up and turned to find AJ watching her with sympathy apparent on his face. “AJ,” she whispered.

“Hey, it’s okay.” He sat next to her. “Whatever it is can’t be that bad. You can tell me what’s wrong, Si. Just don’t cry.”

She buried her face in her hands, a moan escaping between her fingers. “I can’t. I can’t do it, AJ. Oh, god.”

AJ sat for a moment, listening to her weeping, before he couldn’t stand it. Not really caring that she’d probably flinch away from him, he put his arms around her and held her while she wept. Neither really noticed when she burrowed into him, her tears transferring onto his shirt. AJ just patted her back and wondered what had caused her to burst into such sudden tears. It didn’t make sense to him, since she’d been happy all night. But he remembered Brian’s strange behavior…

“Sienna? AJ?” Brian.

AJ looked up to see his friend in the doorway, his eyes on his wife. His face was expressionless, and AJ wondered what he’d just gotten in the middle of.

Sienna sat up and wiped her tears off. “Brian.” Her voice wavered, so she bore down and made it stronger. “I think…God, we need to talk. Please?”

Brian’s hand shook as he gestured to his wife and friend. “What…how…why?”

“Brian?” Sienna was confused. What was he…Oh…my…God. She looked down at AJ’s arm around her shoulder, and her hand flew to her mouth as she realized what had happened. “Brian…maybe. What if…”

Hope sprouted a tiny root in his shattering heart. “We can…” He swallowed. “We can try?”

She nodded and took two steps forward as he did. “What should we do?”

“Hug?” he suggested and she nodded again.

When his arms went around her, he relished in the sensation of finally holding her again…until he felt her trembling. Until he leaned back to look into her eyes and saw the fear. Hope died. Letting go, he spun away and tried to find the control he’d regained during his angry pacing on the driveway. He’d promised himself he wouldn’t lose his temper, that he wouldn’t do anything rash.

This isn’t rash. “What the hell do you want from me, Sienna?”

She looked down at her hands. “I don’t know.”

“Really?” He turned to face her. “Because it feels like what you want is for me to be a goddamn saint! I’m supposed to be patient and wait for you to get over your fear of men. I’m supposed to not get jealous when you hug Shane or the other men in your family. I’m supposed to sit quietly and watch you turn to every man but your husband!” He began pacing as AJ and Sienna watched him wide-eyed. “I thought the reason you were still wary around me was because we had a sexual relationship, that it would take time for you to trust me, physically. But that’s obviously not it, since you slept with AJ before we were together, and, here you are, in his arms again! It was unmanning enough knowing that I couldn’t protect my family when they were threatened, but I’ll be damned if I sit around and watch the woman I love turn to every man but me. I can’t do it. I won’t do it.”

“Brian, I never blamed you for being unable to protect me and the kids. There wasn’t anything you could’ve done, right?” But she caught the flicker in his eyes. “Did you know? Did you know something was going to happen?”

“I got phone calls,” he began, but she cut him off.

“You got threats, but you didn’t tell me? What, did you think I didn’t need to know that someone was threatening me? You didn’t do anything to prevent it?” Somehow, the thought that everything they were suffering through could’ve been prevented infuriated and hurt her more.

He shook his head. “I had gotten all the security systems updated, rechecked. I sent someone by everyday to check on you. For God’s sake, AJ was there! I’d done everything! Don’t turn this around on me!”

“No.” Sienna tried to control her own temper. “That day changed everything, Brian. We wouldn’t be here, we wouldn’t be hurting like this if you’d just told me that someone was calling you, threatening you.”

“What the hell would you have done?” He was shouting now and didn’t care. “Scott had the goddamn codes to everything! He would’ve gotten you somehow, and nothing I could’ve done would have stopped him. I tried…God, I tried!”

“It doesn’t matter now, does it? It doesn’t matter because it can’t change what we’re doing to each other now!” Her voice was just as loud as his.

“No, it can’t.” This he knew. He’d figured it out when he’d been calming himself down earlier. “We can’t go back and change it. But you’ve known, haven’t you? You’ve known this entire time that you’d never recover enough to let me near you.”

“Brian? Sienna? What is going on?” Kevin, Howie, and other family members burst into the room, having heard the raised voices through the open windows. Brian and Sienna ignored them.

“Brian, I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for”

“No, don’t. Don’t give me those excuses. You knew that you’d never be able to touch me. Everyone else you’d be fine with, but, for some reason, you’re off-limits to me. And you knew this entire time. Is that why you’ve tried so hard to get rid of me? All that bullshit in July about counseling, working it out, getting through the rough patches…you didn’t believe a single thing you were saying!” He hated that his voice broke but couldn’t help it.

She knew there were tears streaking her face, she could see them on Brian’s cheeks, too. “Brian, I’m sor”

“Don’t say it. I don’t want them anymore. I can’t take them anymore.” He turned away from her, trying desperately to find the reins for his temper, his hurt. Anything but this feeling of calm that was accompanied by a growing realization of what he needed to do.

I’ve got this feeling you’re not gonna stay

It’s burning within me

The fear of losing

Of slipping away

It just keeps getting closer

Whatever reason to leave that I’ve had

My place was always beside you

And I wish that I didn’t need you so bad

Your face just won’t go away

Sienna took a deep breath as terror engulfed her heart while he was silent, while she couldn’t see his face. “Brian. You have to know that I tried. I really did. I love you, and I tried to come back. But, it changed…I changed.”

“Because you had to,” he told her, facing her again. She noted that his eyes were dry but blank. His face was no longer angry, just tired. “Because you couldn’t go through something like that and not come out different. Stronger.” He smiled slightly. “I fell in love with you because I loved that strength that’s an innate part of you. The thing is, I think you’re too strong for me, now. I need you, but you don’t need me. It’s taken me a while to accept it, but it’s true. And it’s a good thing,” he assured her.

“I-I don’t want to fight with you anymore, Brian. I can’t stand hurting you anymore,” she whispered.

He shut his eyes. “I’m tired, Sienna. Really tired.” And drained, he thought. He couldn’t feel anything. He opened his eyes. “I’ll call Keller and see if he can draw up our papers or find someone who can.”

Where were the tears? she wondered. Had they disappeared on her in this most heartbreaking of moments? “Okay.” It appeared her voice had abandoned her, too.

Brian swallowed hard. It’s done. “We’ll figure out the rest as it comes.”

She nodded. “Okay.”

He looked over at Kevin. “Kevin. Could you give Sienna and our kids a ride back to our place. I need to go somewhere. Is that okay?” he asked Sienna.

She nodded again. It seemed it was all she was capable of. “Of-of course. We’ll be fine.”

Somehow, he’d known that. Brian smiled at Kevin. “It was a great party, Kev. Sorry to run, but I can’t really stay.” He waved vaguely to the others who’d gathered and left.

The dam burst, and the tears came. Sienna sank into an armchair and rocked herself. She knew what had just happened, but it was still a shock. She wondered when or how they’d ever recover from this.

“Sienna.” It was Kristin who knelt in front of her now. “What just happened?”

Sienna took a shuddering breath. “Do you remember when you asked me if I thought the reason Brian was still hurting was because I still believed that divorce was inevitable?”

“Yeah.” Kristin nodded as realization dawned. “Oh, God.”

“Brian finally gave up and agreed.” She raised her voice and looked at her friends and family, at Jackie and Harold, AJ, Regan, and everyone who’d become so precious to her through her relationship with Brian. Would they hate her now? “Brian and I—we’re getting a divorce.”

Over the immediate buzz of questions and exclamations, Sienna tried to focus on taking deep breaths and not thinking of the consequences of what had just happened between her and Brian. It was difficult enough to even really comprehend the magnitude of what a divorce meant. It had all seemed easy when she’d thought it through two months ago, but, now, faced with the reality of it, she wanted to find a rock to crawl under.

“I can’t believe you waited until now to tell me!” Nick’s indignant voice sailed in through the windows. “You let me think…jeez!”

Inside the den, Regan laughed a little, realizing what had just happened. She wished Brian had been there to hear it. “I guess he found out Mac’s younger sister isn’t attracted to men.”

And somehow, through the pain, she found she could laugh. And she did. She couldn’t stop.

Lyrics from “Don’t Wanna Lose You Now” Backstreet Boys

***

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