Chapter 40

Well, I thought you listened

But I’m shattered like broken glass

Well, I thought that we’d be different, babe

Yeah, I thought that we would last

I thought that we would last

Numb.

Numb, numb, numb. It was the word of the century for him as it seemed that the word categorized the way he’d felt far too often in the past several years. He wasn’t thinking, couldn’t really think at the moment. He was just…numb.

The tears hadn’t come, nor had the recriminations against God or someone else, whoever else, could possibly have been at fault for his latest failure. All of his life, he’d dreamed of finding a family, but, each time he’d thought it possible, the dream had been thwarted.

Maybe he wasn’t supposed to find it.

The thought filled him with pain, so he blocked it off and concentrated on the numbness instead. It was easier to not feel anything because feeling was too much for his poor soul to handle at the moment. Yes, he’d stick with numbness for a while longer.

When the sign for the rest stop appeared at the side of the road, his stomach growled loudly and forced him to take the exit. He wasn’t quite sure exactly how long he’d been driving, but he knew he wasn’t ready to stop—although his car had forced him to take a break and refuel so he could keep driving. After his cell phone had rung non-stop for a few hours on the first day, he’d tossed it out somewhere in…maybe, Kansas? Yep. He was pretty sure it was Kansas. He was no longer quite sure what day it was or what state he was in anymore, but he wasn’t really worried about those details at the moment. All that mattered, right now, was that his stomach was satisfied.

Inside the tiny restaurant that the middle-of-nowhere rest stop boasted, he yanked his cap lower over his forehead and ordered a burger and fries. Judging from the looks of the place, he was hoping that his burger wouldn’t come back to him all bloody and that the fries would actually look like McDonald’s instead of chopped up potatoes.

There weren’t many people in the booths, and none of them bothered sparing him a glance when he walked in. The elderly woman at the register had given him a kind but tired smile when he’d ordered, and he was suddenly thankful that his fame hadn’t spread to every corner of the world. And then he wished his mind hadn’t spoken so soon.

A decrepit, ancient television sat at the end of the counter and blared the latest entertainment news. There was the requisite crack about Britney Spears and her deadbeat husband, which made him realize that, despite their dysfunctional relationship, even the silly former pop princess had managed to keep her marriage lasting longer than his would. Before he could finish that thought, the anchor continued on.

“Backstreet Boy Brian Littrell, not one to usually cause too much of a fuss, has disappeared…into thin air. And it’s not a magic trick, either. According to Littrell’s family and bandmates, after an intense cookout at bandmate and cousin Kevin Richardson’s home last Saturday, Brian walked out and hasn’t been heard from since. Apparently, Littrell’s cell phone was found two hours west of Topeka, Kansas, but the former megastar was not with it. His wife, Sienna, has admitted that, just before leaving, she and Brian had agreed to a divorce. Which leads us to believe that Brian may be running. If you have seen Brian or know where he may be, please don’t hesitate to call our studios and we will get your message to the Littrell and Backstreet family.”

A picture of him flashed on the screen, and Brian tried to hide beneath his hat. When his meal arrived, he grabbed it and hurried back to his car, hoping that no one had been listening to the news or, if they had, that they didn’t recognize him. From past experience, he’d learned that most people didn’t recognize anyone famous if they weren’t expecting them. He hoped that same rule would apply to him.

As the first drops of rain fell from the overcast sky, he bit into his lunch and stared blindly at the dusty, sparsely vegetated land spreading out around him. He wasn’t ready yet to see anyone he knew or answer any questions. He’d already made the agonizing phone call to his friend and attorney, Jordan Keller, who’d agreed to handle the divorce papers and proceedings for him. Aside from Keller, though, he didn’t think he would be able to handle the questions or the pitying looks from anyone.

Blanking out his thoughts again, he started up the car again, and, flipping on the radio, began to drive as the rain pelted the windshield.

Well the rain keeps on coming down

It feels like a flood in my head

And that road keeps on calling me

Screaming to everything lying ahead

And it’s a winding road

I’ve been walking for a long time

Still don’t know where it goes

And it’s a long way home

I’ve been searching for a long time

I still have hope

I’m gonna find my way home

Her hand shook as she held the envelope. It didn’t hold the official documents—not this soon, anyway. No, this was just a draft of the paperwork that would end one chapter of her life and start the next one—without the man she loved.

“Sienna?”

She glanced up at the man watching her with concern and sympathy in his eyes. Managing a weak smile, she slipped the envelope in her desk. “Thanks for bringing it by, Jordan. I know you don’t have to work for both of us, but I’m very grateful that you are.”

“It’s not a problem. I’m sorry I have to do this, though.”

“Me, too. Have you heard from him?”

He shook his head. “Sorry. The last time he called was Tuesday afternoon to make sure everything was under control and to explain what he wanted you to have.”

“I can’t believe this is happening,” she whispered, fighting a losing battle against tears.

Her lawyer reached out a hand to pat her shoulder. “I wish we could go back to happier days, but we can’t.”

“No, we can’t. We just…move forward.”

***

The sun was rising and the view from between the giant sand dunes was incredible. The dunes in the Mojave Desert rose up surreally and surrounded him. He felt like Aladdin as he stood along the side of the road and studied the sun’s journey from the horizon. It was a new day, and he wondered what would happen.

He’d felt calm descending on him for the first time since the day he’d walked out of Kevin’s home. That had been nearly ten days ago, and he’d been zigzagging his way across the country with a restlessness he hadn’t felt since the Boys had gone on hiatus after the Black and Blue tour. The restlessness had dragged him out of Kentucky and through the prairie in Kansas, the Rockies in Colorado, and the Nevada deserts. He’d marveled at the Great Salt Lake, watched Old Faithful spray steaming water in Yellowstone, and listened to the coyotes howl in Wyoming. He’d seen so much of the country during tours, but, this time, he’d been able to stay a while and watch.

He was almost done, though, and he knew it. There wasn’t much of the country left to drive through before he hit the Pacific Ocean, and he’d found himself wondering why he needed to drive at all towards it. Whatever reasoning he came up with, in the end, it all came down to the need to be away. He knew what he’d left behind, and he could only hope he’d find peace soon.

Saying the word “divorce” to his lawyer had nearly killed him, but, with each mile that had passed, he could feel his sanity returning to him. He wasn’t sure what he’d do at the end, but he knew he’d have to sleep soon. Ten days and only thirty hours of sleep were beginning to wear on him, but there was enough energy in him to make it just a little further. Or so he hoped.

Climbing back into his car, he drove west.

I can see a little house on top of the hill

I can smell the ocean

Salt in the air

“Brian?”

He managed a smile at the camera. “Hey. I was wondering if I could get in.”

She blinked a few times then nodded. “Uh, of course. Come right on in.”

Before the screen blanked and the gates began to open, he called to her. “Please don’t call anyone and tell them I’m here. Please.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

He drove the car through the gates and up the sloping, winding driveway towards the pretty house that sat at the top of the hill. After ten days of driving, his body was running on auto-pilot as his mind had started functioning in a dazed state. So, his mind in a sleep-deprived haze, he parked the car and stumbled towards the front door, which opened as he set foot on the front step.

“Thanks for letting me in,” he told her as she held the door open for him to enter.

Lia shook her head. “I have to say it’s quite the surprise.” She shut the door and followed him into the living room. “Brian. Where have you been? Your family’s called Kelly so many times to make sure you weren’t here.”

Brian dropped onto the couch and smiled at her concerned look. “I’m here, now. It doesn’t matter where I was. Where’s Kelly? I swear, you’re turning into her personal assistant. Are you sure you don’t live here?”

“Nope. And Kelly’s got chemo today, so I have to go pick her up in a little while.” She sat across from him. “You know, the scruffy, bearded look doesn’t exactly work for you. When was the last time you slept?”

He shrugged. “Yesterday? Maybe the day before. I don’t know. The days sort of blurred together.” He rubbed his hands over his face. “Does Kelly have coffee in the house?”

“Yes, she does, but I don’t think you need coffee.” Lia stood. “I’ll get you tea instead and maybe something to eat?”

“You Brits sure do like your tea, don’t you?” He grinned at her raised brow. “I’ll take the tea, but I’m not really hungry. Thanks.”

When she came back with the tea, Brian was staring at the fireplace with a blank look on his face, and she hoped he’d fall asleep before Kelly came home. It was hard enough on Kelly to deal with the side effects of the chemotherapy, and she didn’t want Kelly to worry about an exhausted Brian, too.

“Here you go.” She handed him the cup after he blinked several times and sat up.

Taking a sip from the scalding tea, he winced as it burned his tongue. “Wow, think it could be any hotter?”

“What’s the point if it’s not hot? You may as well have iced tea, then.”

“True.” He closed his eyes and tried to down the cup of tea as fast as could be managed.

After waiting and wondering what could be going through his mind, she decided to say something. “Brian. I’m sorry about your divorce.” When his eyes flew open and landed on her, she smiled sympathetically. “Kelly told me after AJ told her what happened at your cousin’s house. I know how difficult this year has been, and I’m sorry it’s gotten worse.”

He drained the cup and set it down on the coffee table. “I’m sorry, too. All I’ve wanted my whole life was a family, a wife. Someone who’d love me for me and be there for me the way I’d love her and be there to support her. I really thought I’d made it this time.”

“And you’ve been beating yourself up over not making it work, haven’t you?” She really didn’t need to ask for it was obvious he blamed himself.

His eyelids felt heavy and his head felt as though it were floating somewhere far above the rest of his body. Brian laid his head back against the sofa cushions and sighed. “Who else can I blame? I tried to be what she needed, but I can’t.” His voice slurred a little, and Lia couldn’t help but think the Kentucky accent was adorable when it thickened. “I miss my kids, Lia. Of everything that’s happened, they’re always going to be my constant. Thank God.” His eyes drifted shut. “When are things going to start going right? I’d really…like to…know…”

When his breathing slowed and became deeper, she knew the tranquilizer she’d slipped into the tea had worked. She hated that she’d had to use it, but he’d seemed dead set on not sleeping—though he needed it desperately.

Leaning over, she shifted him until he was lying on the couch and went to find a blanket to pull over him. When she’d tucked it around him, she watched him sleep and couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. He really was a good person, and she didn’t think he deserved the troubles life seemed to keep heaping at his feet.

“It’ll get better soon,” she assured him, brushing a hand over his hair. “But for now, I hope, for your sake, that you sleep a while.”

Leaving him sleeping, she grabbed keys to her car and headed out to pick Kelly up from the hospital.

***

He woke to the darkness and the sound of pans rattling faintly. The smell of garlic and cheese wafted its way to him, and he sat up, his stomach growling loudly.

Where am I?

He looked around the room, blinking several times, until it hit him. Kelly’s house. Frowning, he tried to remember exactly how he’d ended up on her couch. He’d driven here and met Lia at the door. They’d been talking, and then he’d…well, it was obvious he’d fallen asleep.

Standing on legs that felt like spaghetti, he glanced down at his watch. It read close to one in the morning, and he calculated that he’d been sleeping for a good eleven hours. Part of him wondered what Sienna and the kids had done that day, but another part of him reminded him that it hurt too much to think of the woman he loved, who would soon be his ex-wife.

Shaking off all thoughts of his family, he headed towards the sounds and found Kelly, a bandanna wrapped around her head, standing at the stove, stirring something in a pot. The scents made his mouth water, and he figured it was the sound his stomach made that had her turning to see him standing in the doorway. A quiet smile appeared on her face as she took in his disheveled appearance.

“You look like hell.”

Brian grinned at the unconcerned-sounding greeting and ambled over to peek in at what she was cooking. “I always look my best at one in the morning.” He dipped a finger into the spaghetti sauce and winced when she smacked his arm away.

“That’s disgusting. You can wait until I set it down at the table, Brian.” The reprimand reminded him of his mother.

“Why are you cooking so late?”

She moved to the oven and slid out a pan of bread. “Because I’m starving.”

“How was chemo?”

“Crappy. How’s your life?”

He smiled again. “About the same as yours. We’re a great pair, aren’t we?”

“The best.” But she rested her head against his shoulder for a bit. “I’m glad you’re all right. Your family’s called here a thousand times. You had us all worried.”

He sighed and put an arm around her shoulders. “I’m sorry. I needed some time away to just think.”

“Sienna called.” She moved away from him now to ladle the sauce and pasta into bowls. “Help me set the table.”

Brian took out plates and glasses from the cupboard as he’d done on previous visits. “She called?”

“She’s worried about you. Did you think that because you ended your marriage, you ended your feelings, too? She’s still in love with you.” Kelly’s voice was no-nonsense as she grabbed her medication from the cabinet she’d designated for it. “You should call home soon.”

“I will.” He opened the fridge. “Orange juice, water, or grape juice?”

“OJ, please.” She set silverware at the table and slid into a chair when he’d brought over the carton of juice. “Let’s eat then.”

Brian sat across from her and spooned out spaghetti for both of them as he studied her. After the bone marrow transplant, the doctors had been certain that remission was around the corner, but, at the end of August, she’d taken a turn for the worse as the leukemia had returned to its original status. Now, Kelly’s hair had completely fallen out, and, instead of wearing wigs, she’d bought tons of scarves and bandannas to cover up her bald scalp. Her eyes had lost their sparkle, but her smile was still as bright as ever. As was her spirit.

“Do you always eat in the middle of the night?”

She shrugged. “When I get home from chemo, all I have the strength to do is throw up and fall asleep for hours. This is about the time I wake up, and, whenever I do, I’m starved. So, yeah, it’s pretty routine.”

“Where’d Lia go? She was here when I fell asleep.”

Kelly grinned. “She tranq’d you, picked me up from the hospital, and stayed until I fell asleep. I’m gonna owe her big time for nursing us both.”

“Wait.” Brian held up a hand. “She gave me a tranquilizer? I…well, I just…huh. I guess that’s why I slept so much. Why would she do that?”

“I’m thinking it’s because you looked like crap. Not that you look that much better now,” she added. “But, hey, you’ve got color back in your face.”

He shrugged. “I guess I do feel a little better.”

She reached over and covered his hand. “I’m sorry.”

And those two words, ones he’d heard from others before, finally pushed him over the edge he’d been clinging to for ten days. Pushing away from the table, he paced the kitchen, his arms wrapped tightly around himself as if to keep the pain at bay.

“I love her so much, but I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t sacrifice myself constantly to be what she wanted me to be.” The words wavered, and she could see the sheen of tears in his eyes. “I know pride shouldn’t be as important as-as love, but I felt like all I was doing was giving and giving and getting nothing in return. Isn’t a marriage supposed to be give and take?” He whirled to face her, the look on his face practically begging her to agree with him.

Kelly sighed. “I wouldn’t know personally,” she began quietly. “But I suppose it should be, otherwise it would never work. Did you leave before you realized you’d resent her?”

“I…yeah.” Brian sat down again and, staring hard at the spaghetti, fought the tears back ruthlessly. “She’s my best friend. Before we ever got involved, she was the one I could talk to when everything went downhill in my life. Sienna kept me positive, wouldn’t let me be pessimistic about anything. She believed in me, and I needed her for the strength I got from her. It’s one of the reasons why, when she first brought up getting a divorce in July, I refused to listen.”

“She brought up a divorce two months ago?”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “But I couldn’t stand the thought of us not being together—not that I can now, either,” he added. “We agreed on counseling and toughing it out, but, since then, it felt like things were even more rocky because I was here and she was in Lexington. It wasn’t working, and it hurt so badly when I finally realized that, though I think she did try, she never really believed that we’d last. Or that she’d ever really be able to relax around me again.”

“And you snapped.”

“I did.” He nodded. “I might look like Superman, but I couldn’t hold the pain back anymore. It just built up and broke me down.” He tried to smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

Kelly patted his hand. “You’re still Superman, but even Clark Kent needed Lois Lane to love him back the way he needed. You tried your hardest, Brian, and I don’t think there’s anyone to blame for the way things have turned out.”

“No, I guess there isn’t.” He squeezed her hand. “But I’m going to be honest, too. A part of me realized that divorce isn’t best for me so much as it’s best for Sienna. She doesn’t feel safe around me, and I can’t really live with that. I think, that day, I just realized that she’d been right.”

“I think it’s best for you, too.”

He frowned. “Really? Because I can’t say I truly feel the same way. My heart feels all torn to pieces at the moment.”

“Brian, your marriage wasn’t going anywhere. You said it yourself: marriage is about give and take. You stopped having that, and, the second that happened, your relationship with Si stopped going anywhere. From what I’ve seen of my friends’ marriages, the relationship doesn’t stay the same once you’re married. It changes, matures as you do. You’re supposed to help each other over life’s hurdles, and Sienna’s prevented you from helping her since she got home. I’m sorry for the way things have turned out, Brian, but I think that this is best for you, too.”

Brian was quiet for long moments, mulling over her words. “Maybe you’re right. I just thought that, after everything we’d gone through to get to the point we were at in February, we would get over this, too. I guess I was wrong.”

She squeezed his hand again. “You’ll get through this, too. Besides, if you need a place to stay, well, I guess you’re already crashing here, huh?”

“If you don’t mind.” He gave her a cheesy smile though it lacked enthusiasm, and she hated seeing the hurt in his eyes.

“Brian, why divorce? If the two of you still love each other, don’t you think divorce is too drastic a jump?” She’d been thinking about it since she’d heard the news, and, to her, it seemed that, if two people loved each other, there could always be a way to work things out. Wasn’t there?

He sighed. “Separation would never work, Kelly. Eventually, I have a feeling we’d end up getting a divorce anyway. I want—need—it all from Sienna, but she can’t—or won’t—give it to me. I don’t think I could live separate but married for long. All or nothing.”

Kelly nodded. “I guess that makes sense, but the two of you aren’t the only ones in this marriage, Bri.”

He knew it, too, and it was the worst piece of the mess for him. “All the way across the country, I kept thinking about my babies. Kelly, they don’t deserve to grow up in a broken home, being shuttled back and forth between homes, between Mommy and Daddy. I can’t stand that I’ll be doing this to them.”

“Will the divorce make you or Sienna love them less?”

“What?” The thought of loving his children any less than he did was shocking. “Of course not! How could we? They’re our children, how could we love them less because of our disagreements?”

“There you go.” Kelly stood now and began clearing off the table. “As long as you still love them the same as you do now, they’ll never be lacking in anything.”

“I hope so,” he whispered to himself and helped her clean up.

Later, Kelly showed him to a guestroom and made him promise that, first thing in the morning, he would call home and tell his family where he was.

“All the entertainment news segments on TV have been blaring your name for days, looking for you. I thought it was kind of embarrassing after a while,” she admitted. “I mean, I don’t really like seeing my own face on the screen, but to have your personal problems aired out for the public and then for the anchor to suggest you might be on the run…Well, I thought it was awful.”

Brian shrugged. “They’re doing their jobs, and we can’t really stop them. Don’t worry, I’ll call home. And, Kelly?” She stopped at the entrance to her own bedroom. “Thanks for taking care of me.”

She smiled. “After all the mortifying times I threw up in front of you? It’s the least I can do.”

All these dreams took me so far

And I felt that I just couldn’t go on

And I want to hang out the window of your car

And see just how good this baby can run

Lyrics from “Love Me Like That” Michelle Branch and Sheryl Crow; “Winding Road” Bonnie Somerville

***

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