Chapter 41

“Welcome home.”

The words were quietly said, and Brian sighed as they stood in the foyer staring at each other, each searching the other to find whether they looked any different after making such an enormous decision.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call.”

She shook her head. “You don’t have to keep apologizing. It was as much my fault as yours that you walked out when you did, the way you did.” She gestured towards the living room. “I think we should probably talk.”

“Yeah, we should.”

He followed her into the room and, instead of sitting, he trailed his fingers over the pictures that were crammed onto the mantle. Pictures from when they’d spent time in the delivery room to their wedding pictures to pictures of just the two of them. His breath caught when he saw the picture AJ had taken of them years before—when he’d been all but eaten alive by the need he’d had for her, and she’d had no clue. The way they sat on the porch swing grinning at each other, the way his arm was looped around her shoulders…We’ll never get that back, he thought. Oh, God. We’re getting a divorce.

“I remember that picture.” Sienna stood next to him. She’d seen the swirling emotion in his eyes and, when he turned to her, the brilliant blue was cloaked by a sheen of tears. “Brian.”

He shook his head. “No, I’ll be okay. We are going to be okay.” He managed a weak smile. “Maybe not together, but we’ll still be okay.”

He seemed to be pleading for her to agree, and Sienna had no choice but to do so. “Yeah. We’ll get through this, too. Brian, for what it’s worth, I still love you.”

Brian stepped away then and sank into an armchair. “I don’t want to leave, to move on, but I have to—you have to. And, yes, I’m still in love with you, too.” He sighed. “You’ve got my whole heart, Sienna, and, much as I don’t want you to feel bound to me for it, I think you’ll always have my heart.”

“No.” She shook her head. “I don’t feel bound, but I do feel sorrow. That neither one of us is going to be able to move on easily. But what other choice do we have?”

None. Nothing but to accept this emptiness that had driven him thousands of miles away and brought him back to face what his life was becoming. He was terrified that the emptiness would never disappear, never be filled up. He had finally understood the clawing despair that AJ had once described to him, seven years ago. At the time, he’d been busy missing Leighanne, but Brian had still been unable to truly understand those feelings. Now…now he was about to lose it all. Now, he understood.

“Where are the kids?” He’d spent long nights on the road worrying over what would happen to them. What kind of trauma would a divorce wreak on his babies? On the three precious gifts God had given him? The three he would do anything for?

Sienna gestured to the baby monitor. “They’re down for their afternoon nap. Kara and Serena have been asking for Daddy for two weeks. They’ll be glad you’re home.”

He smiled. “I’ve missed them.” The smile disappeared. “What’s going to happen to them? How will we ever make it up to them?”

She pressed a hand to her lips. “I don’t know,” she murmured. “I’ve gone over our options in my head again and again. I can’t stand hurting them with this.”

How desperately he wanted to reach out and take her into his arms. Assure her that they wouldn’t hurt them, not as long as their children knew both parents loved them, that neither parent would ever turn their backs on them. But he couldn’t.

“We’ll get through this,” he repeated. “We love our kids, and we’ll make it right for them. It doesn’t matter how, but we’ll make everything perfect for them.”

Sienna nodded. “You’re right. I-they wouldn’t have been happy if we stayed together and were constantly arguing. Right?”

“Right.” What else could he say?

“You drove to Kelly’s house?” Sienna’s question was one he hadn’t really expected.

“Uh, yeah.” Brian stared out the window, wishing he were in a different universe. One where people in love stayed together and were happy. “I didn’t know where to go when I found myself in LA.” He looked over at his wife. Soon to be ex-wife, he reminded himself. “I crashed at her place and spent the three days at the beach.”

“The-the beach?” So he’d practically been vacationing? She didn’t know whether to scream or laugh. She’d been sitting at home upset over a dissolving marriage, and he’d been sunbathing. “I see.”

“No. No, you don’t see.” She glanced up, surprised. It was one of the few times he’d ever sounded so irritated. “You can’t see because you can’t see me. You don’t understand me anymore, just like I don’t understand you anymore. I tried, you know. Can’t say that I didn’t. But I have limited sight, too, and so I can’t see the woman I love anymore. I’m more sorry than I can say for that, but it is what it is.”

“So we’re really and truly done?” Of course, she knew the answer to that, but she needed to hear it one more time from him.

“Baby.” The endearment was full of five years of love, joy, and, now, unbearable pain. “We’re done.”

October 6, 2007. The beginning of the end.

***

October of 2007 swept in and out of their lives like waves on a beach. When it entered their lives, they were dealing with the actuality of beginning their divorce proceedings. By the end of October, they’d written up the formal papers.

“I’d like it if Sienna could keep the house,” Brian told his lawyer. “Her greenhouse is there, and the kids are comfortable there. It would be pointless for me to stay in the house all alone. Can you work that in to the settlement?”

Before Jordan could respond, Sienna broke in. “Absolutely not. Brian, I can’t keep the house. What would I do with such a huge place?”

“Do you like the house?” Brian asked her.

“Of course, I do. I love it. We bought it together,” she replied. “But that doesn’t mean I want to live there without you.”

“Sienna.” His voice was pained. “I need you to keep the house. Please.”

She wanted to say no, wanted to protest, but she did love the house, and he knew it. He’d built her an extensive greenhouse that she lovingly cared for and toiled in, and she didn’t want to leave the home where her children were happy and safe.

“Sienna?” Jordan interrupted her thoughts. “Will you accept the house as part of the divorce settlement?”

What choice did she have? “Yes, I guess I will.” She sighed. “I don’t like this.”

“You don’t have to, it just is,” Brian told her. He was tired of her fighting him all the way through the proceedings. Everything he wanted her to have, she found a way to deny it. So far, he’d won the argument over the car, the jewelry he’d given her, and a cool five million American dollars. Now, he was thankful that she was keeping the house, too. At least his children would be well-provided for. Not that he intended to stay out of their lives. Of all the things he’d relinquished to her, the children were the one part of his life he would not negotiate on.

“I believe that takes care of all the material wealth that the two of you formerly had joint possession of,” Jordan began as he took out another form from his files. “Which leaves your three children.”

“Joint custody,” Sienna said immediately. “I guess since the house is being left to me, that means Brian, you want the kids to stay there?”

He nodded, knives stabbing at his heart. “Of course. They’re settled in there, and I don’t see why we should uproot them from the life they’re used to. You get the house, you get the kids.”

“Except for when you want to see them or have them. You can do that whenever you want,” she assured him.

“Sure, yeah. I wanted joint custody, too,” he assured their lawyer, who was glancing between the couple, trying to figure out if there would be any need to take the case to court.

“Okay, then. I’m assuming that, because this is a very amicable divorce, that…oh hell. The two of you are friends of mine,” Jordan told them. “And it’s killing me to have to sit here and write up your papers because I know that you love each other and belong together. Why are you doing this?”

His words were like a punch in the gut, Brian thought. Why, indeed, were they getting divorced? But he’d already answered the question to whoever had asked. “Our relationship isn’t what it used to be,” he explained before Sienna could. “We appreciate you doing this for us, and all I can say is, we love each other, but, sometimes, love isn’t enough to keep a marriage going. You need compromise, and we’re not exactly scoring points on that chart these days, and I doubt we will anytime soon.”

“He’s right,” Sienna agreed. “We’ve thought about this since July, and, now that we’ve agreed it’s the best course of action for us, well, we don’t see any point in delaying it.”

As a lawyer, he understood their claim of “irreconcilable differences,” but, as their friend, he was having trouble reconciling their decision to what he knew of them. But…they were adults, and they certainly knew what they were doing. As both their friend and lawyer, Jordan understood he had to respect their decision.

“In that case, I’ll have your papers ready for you to sign in three weeks. At that time, both of you should come in and sign them together, so you can be each other’s witnesses. Once that’s done, I’ll file your papers, and you’ll officially be Mr. Littrell and Miss McKinnon,” he added, remembering that Sienna had planned to drop the Littrell at the end of her name. A decision he was sure Brian didn’t appreciate but didn’t raise a fuss over either.

Brian stood and shook Jordan’s hand. “Thanks for everything. I appreciate you doing this for us and for understanding.”

“If only everyone was as understanding as you,” Sienna said wistfully. Both the Littrells and Sienna’s family were convinced that their both of them had gone crazy and didn’t know what they were doing by getting a divorce. At least twice a day, the phone would ring and either Brian or Sienna would listen to the lecturing and, thanking whoever had called, would quietly hang up. Lately, though, Sienna had been receiving most of the calls as Brian was either in LA recording, on an airplane between Lexington and the West Coast, or off on what he told her were “errands”.

She asked him about these errands, now, as they left the Kentucky branch of the law offices of Lassiter, Tidwell, and Hildebrand.

Brian leaned against his car door. “I’ve been moving my stuff out.”

“What?”

“I’ve been moving my things from the house into my old cottage,” he explained again, seeing the shock in her eyes.

She had known this day would come. She’d told herself that, one day, they would no longer be living in the home they’d made because they would no longer be husband and wife. She hadn’t expected that day to come so soon and to take her completely by surprise.

“Sienna? Honey, you okay?” He was concerned when she didn’t say anything, just stared at him, unblinking, as though he’d grown three heads.

Sienna shook her head to clear the buzzing sound that filled it. “I-I just…Brian, I didn’t know you still had that place.”

He shrugged. “I never sold it. I was playing around with the idea of leasing it out earlier this year, but, since February, things have been so hectic, I haven’t really had a chance to think about it. When we agreed on filing for divorce, I figured, what the heck, I’d go back to living in it.”

She remembered the cottage fondly. They’d worked on his flowerbeds together, and she’d helped him pick out couches and a lovely armoire for one of the bedrooms. She’d fallen in love with him there.

“You can read our children stories in front of the fireplace,” she murmured.

It took him a moment, but he remembered. “Yeah, you told me that the first time you saw the den. I guess that’ll finally happen, won’t it?” He swallowed back the emotion that clogged his throat when he thought of the past. Of happier days. “Of course, I’m getting a place in LA, too, so I’ll be able to take them for walks on the beach, too.”

“You…LA? Why?” Her brain felt like it was on information overload. He was moving across the country, too?

Brian nodded. “It just seems like a good idea, considering the fact that I spend so much time over there anyway. This way, when we’re recording, I can have my own place to stay instead of at a hotel or Kevin’s old place.”

“Right. That seems sensible.” She didn’t know what else to say.

He wished she’d tell him he shouldn’t go. That he should stay in Lexington as much as possible because she and the kids were there. That, even if they weren’t together, they were still a family, and he shouldn’t leave them behind. But she didn’t say anything.

“I have to go,” he began. “I have to drop by my parents’ house. Dad’s trying to paint the basement, but Mom thinks he’s going to hurt his back. I have to help out, so I’ll be home later. Give the kids a kiss for me and tell them Daddy’ll be home soon.”

Sienna watched him climb into the car and nodded. “I will.” When his car had disappeared around the corner, she let the tears fall.

He was taking this better than she was, she thought. Hadn’t it been she who had felt that divorce was the best way to go? Now, knowing that they were weeks away from ending it all, a part of her wanted to kick herself. Stupid fears, she thought. She shouldn’t have let them get in the way of her marriage, between herself and the man she loved beyond all reason. But, even now, furious with herself, she couldn’t get rid of them. And so she was stuck, about to lose her husband and the life she’d always dreamed of.

***

“How about this one? It’s not pink or blue, so it’s not obviously for a girl or boy. I think green is a good, neutral color, don’t you?” AJ held up a set of baby blankets for Regan to study.

She reached out and tested the soft material between her fingers. She had to give credit where it was due, Regan thought. The man knew his fashion in everything from maternity clothing, to Jordan’s clothes, to baby clothes and accessories. And if there was another man who’d already begun designing clothes for an unborn baby, Regan hadn’t met him or heard of him. AJ had already found a tailor who was currently in the process of making a little line of baby clothing, not just for the baby that was on the way, but to sell to the whole world. She found it endearing rather than unsettling that he was taking such a huge interest in the life of their unborn child. And she hated turning him down.

“I wish my husband would go shopping with me.” Regan turned around to find a woman smiling at the two of them. “Sorry for interrupting, but I just think it’s great that you have a husband who takes such a big interest in your child. It reminds me of the time I was pregnant with my first child.”

“How many children do you have?” AJ asked her.

She patted her belly. “I’m carrying my fourth. I love my husband, but, after the first three, he’s sworn off baby shopping.” She rolled her eyes. “Says he’ll faint if he steps in this store again. Anyway,” she waved it off and grinned at Regan. “I just wanted to tell you that you’re a lucky woman. Good luck with your baby.” And she moved on to continue her own shopping.

“I like her,” AJ decided and Regan nodded.

She had to admit the other woman was onto something. She hadn’t had anyone to take her shopping when she’d been pregnant with Jordan, but now she had AJ. It was definitely better, much better than she could have imagined, having someone to bounce ideas about colors and styles off of.

“Regan? The green blankets or not?” AJ caught her attention again.

“Uh, let’s take them,” she decided impulsively. She was not an impulsive shopper, but AJ’s way of doing things was rubbing off on her.

“Great!” He put the blankets into the already overflowing shopping cart in Babies ‘R Us. “I think we’re done with this place for now. Let’s hit up Gucci and see what they’ve got for our baby.”

Gucci? “Stop!” AJ turned to look at her. “We are not buying anymore things. As it is, this stuff barely fits into my house. Besides, Jordan didn’t need so many things, and I don’t think this baby is going to be any different.”

“Regan, I told you we can put some of this stuff at my place. I finished painting and trimming the nursery last week, and I think you should check it out. I bought a bassinet and everything.” He tugged on her auburn locks. “Come on, babe. Come over and see what our kid has to look forward to.”

Regan loved him, how could she not? And, loving him, she despised herself for turning him down each and every time he’d invited her over to his home. She had no trouble leaving Jordan there on weekends or, one memorable time, for a sleepover AJ hosted for several ten-year-olds. He’d delayed going back to the studio every time he’d been scheduled to be in LA, so he could be in DC to take her to doctor’s appointments and use her kitchen to learn how to cook. Nevertheless, there was something inside of her that was scared to pieces of stepping foot over the threshold of the sprawling structure that both AJ and her son obviously adored. How many times had Jordan begged her to just let them move in with AJ? And how many times had she had to deny his wishes? Too many to count, Regan admitted with a sigh.

“I can’t. As it is, I have a case I’m putting on hold to go shopping with you today. Please, Alex, don’t push me,” she spoke quietly.

AJ stopped pushing the cart and turned to study the woman who caused him both pain and joy. She was six months pregnant and, if it was possible, was even prettier now with the baby weight. Her dark red hair lay on her very competent shoulders, and he was pleased to see that she wore the deep purple maternity sweater he’d bought her. It draped gently over her and accentuated her belly. He’d never seen another woman more beautiful than his Regan and was willing to argue that point with anyone who’d dare to deny it.

Yet, the woman he was desperately in love with wasn’t in love with him. She was fond of him, he knew, enough that she spent large amounts of time with him and let him help her with things that were becoming difficult for her to do as her pregnancy reached its third trimester. It should have been enough for him to just be around her and have her accept his place in her life.

It wasn’t.

“You’re supposed to be starting maternity leave,” he reminded her, turning to push the cart up to the nearest register. “Your cases can wait until after the baby is born, and you’re feeling strong enough to work again. I mean it, Regan,” he added firmly when she began to protest. “I don’t want you overdoing it, and working when you’re this far along is not healthy. I can go to your parents and tell them you’re still working, you know.”

Regan gulped. He’d probably do it, too. There weren’t many people on the planet that she was terrified of, but her parents topped the list. They’d already warned her about working when she was pregnant, and she knew that if AJ went to them, she’d be chained to her bed.

“Okay, I know. The end of next week, I’m done with work. Does that make you happy, Mr. Wise Guy?” She poked his side.

“Maybe.” He grinned. “Do you want to pick Jordan up from school and get ice cream on the way to your place?”

She glanced at her watch. The man learned quick, she thought. It was nearly time for the elementary school to let out. “Sure. That way you can ruin his appetite for dinner, right?”

He laughed. “That’s the point. Come on, Regan. You won’t come over, at least let me treat you once in a while.” Even if it hurt to surrender, yet again, to her refusal to approach his home.

As the cashier began to ring up their purchase and gave AJ a surprised glance, recognizing him, Regan pondered. By the time AJ was signing the credit card receipt for the enormous amount he’d spent on their baby, she had pushed their cart out towards the door. He caught up with her and, without a word, yanked the cart away.

“You shouldn’t be pushing heavy things. You could hurt your back,” he reminded her.

She rolled her eyes. “Alex, I’m pregnant, not dying!” When he continued to push the cart until they made it to his truck, she let out a frustrated breath and followed him. “Honestly, you are so infuriating! I’ll be okay if I do physical activities. I’m supposed to do exercises and stretch. Didn’t the Lamaze coach say that?” she reminded him, and he did recall the instructor telling them that exercising was good for pregnant women.

AJ stacked the boxes into the trunk and backseat of his car, then helped her climb into the passenger side before rounding the car and getting in. “I remember, but don’t yell at me for wanting to take care of you. I love you and our baby.” He reached over and placed a hand protectively over her belly. When the baby kicked, he grinned. “And Junior agrees! Please, Regan. I just want the best for you.”

She softened, couldn’t help but relent. “Okay.”

“Yeah?” It was one of the few times she’d ever yielded to him. “Great!”

She smiled. “Alex, are you planning on driving any time soon? Jordan’s school lets out in ten minutes, and we won’t be able to take him for ice cream if he gets on the bus.”

His jaw dropped when he realized she’d conceded two arguments in one day to him. When she laughed, he shut his mouth and shoved the car into gear. “Yes, ma’am! Let’s get this party on the road. Alright!”

***

Next

Back to index