Chapter 42

“And one, two, three, kick, five, slap down, seven, eight, twist, and…one, two, three, kick, five, slap down, seven—Nick! Stop! Don’t jiggle your hips like that!” The choreographer the Boys had hired for the new tour was merciless in her quest for perfection, and Nick, along with the other four, was having a little trouble keeping up.

“Man, I’m not twenty,” he muttered under his breath as she showed him how the steps were to be done.

She shot him a dark look. “That’s perfectly obvious, Mr. Carter. However, you are a performer, and perform you will.” She clapped her hands. “Everyone! From the top!”

Brian’s muscles were strained to the max, and Howie was dripping sweat. AJ was huffing and puffing and muttering about not having quit cigarettes sooner, while Kevin followed the steps to a T.

“I hate when he makes it look easy,” AJ muttered to Brian as they both watched Kevin in the full-length mirror they were practicing in front of.

“Alex! No talking! You have to concentrate! How do you expect to begin your tour in January if you’re too busy yapping to learn your moves?”

Stifling a scream, he remembered to drop to his knees at the right time and thanked God that he’d missed getting reamed out by the choreographer from hell. “It’s No-freaking-vember! There’s plenty of time!” He gulped in a breath of air before doing a twisty hopping movement that had him switching spots with Howie. “I’d like to shove her down the garbage chute,” he said under his breath and caught the grin Howie sent him.

“I’ll help.”

“Thanks, D. I knew I could count on you,” he whispered back.

Brian wondered dimly how ridiculous an obituary would look if it read “Brian Littrell, 32, dies of exhaustion due to dancing.” He figured it would be pretty funny if he wasn’t so tired. Still, he’d rather be tired and crash afterwards as it gave him little time to think about the fact that he would sign the divorce papers in two days, and, once they were filed, it would be official. Brian Thomas Littrell would no longer be a married man, loving husband. He would be single.

“I think we’ve got it down,” Kevin announced ten minutes later, aiming a Look at the choreographer when she opened her mouth to deny it. He glanced up at the clock. “Let’s call it a day, fellas.”

“Thank the good Lord,” AJ moaned, falling in a heap to the floor. When Nick staggered over and dropped on top of him, AJ let out a short shriek. “Nickolas! You’re sweaty and disgusting! Get the hell off me!”

Howie leaned against the mirror and laughed at the sight. “Aww, poor AJ doesn’t like sweaty Nicky?” he teased. “I do believe impending fatherhood’s making him more mature. Then again,” he chuckled as AJ smacked Nick’s side repeatedly and shrieked curses, “maybe not.”

“Definitely not,” Brian said, managing a tired smile. “I’ll see y’all tomorrow. Good night, and, my money’s on AJ. He may be scrappier, but he’s got strength.” And he disappeared out the door, leaving AJ and Nick to stop wrestling and stare at the door, puzzled.

“I thought we were going to have dinner together,” Nick said finally. “Why’d he leave?”

Kevin frowned. “I think it’s past time we talked about this.”

“About what?” AJ sat up and wriggled out from beneath Nick’s arm. “What’s going on?”

“Brian’s overworking himself, he’s unhappy, and he’s exhausted,” Kevin explained. “Something’s bothering him. Howie?”

Howie sighed. “For once, I honestly don’t know what’s going on other than the divorce proceedings. That’s it.”

“That’s a lot,” Kevin murmured. “It’s obviously bothering him as we’re talking about Brian here. He takes his commitments seriously and truly does believe in the marriage institution as one that lasts.”

“So he’s punishing himself?” Nick asked, reaching for his bottle of water.

AJ’s brows lifted. “No way. Rok wouldn’t do that. He knows what happens when he overdoes it, and he definitely doesn’t want to add a heart problem to the list of shit he’s dealing with.”

“He’s not thinking straight,” Howie pointed out. “Seriously, with all that’s happening in his life, do you really think he’s thinking about his health right now?”

“Maybe he’s thinking about it subconsciously.” Kevin paced the practice room. “I mean, think about it. He’s working through a divorce, worried about the trauma that’ll cause his kids, he’s still in love with his soon-to-be ex-wife, and he’s rehearsing here with us. In all of that, he’s got to have figured out that if you strain and exhaust yourself during the day, you won’t be able to have time to think of where your life’s heading. However, he’s always conscious about his heart, so, no, I don’t think he’s going to endanger himself.”

“So he’s using us to escape?” AJ shook his head as he wiped his sweat off with a towel. “I wish we could help. He hasn’t told us about how he’s doing, so how can we expect him to let us in enough to help him?”

“Well, then, I guess we follow Brian’s lead,” Nick suggested.

“Which is what exactly?” Howie wondered.

Nick shrugged. “Pray. Hopefully, he’ll tell us what’s going on before he falls flat on his face.”

***

“They’re talking about me.” The bottle dangled from his fingers as he sat on the porch swing in the dim light of dusk.

“They’re talking about you because they’re worried about you. You skipped out on dinner with them, something you usually never do.” There was a small sigh. “Talk to me, bro.”

He turned his head to look into the deep blue eyes, so much like his own, and sighed. “Aren’t you going to lecture me on what I’m doing? On how I’ve ignored everything I’ve been taught about the sanctity of marriage?”

Harry shrugged. “Why bother when Mom and Dad have already given you that lecture? Besides, I don’t agree with them.”

“You don’t?”

“Nope. I’ve seen what the fallout from the kidnapping’s done to you and Sienna.”

Brian frowned. “And that is?”

“It’s driven a wedge between you.” Harry leaned forward. “Permanently. Tell me I’m wrong.”

“I wish I could, but you’re right.” Brian took another swig from the bottle and leaned back, letting his head roll back so he could stare at the stars. “I love her, Harry. And as much as I want to be with her for the rest of my life, as much as I believe she loves me, that love isn’t going to work. Not without trust, faith…”

“Hope?” Harry supplied and earned a nod from his younger brother. “I can’t say that I’m going to detest Sienna, Bri. I can’t because she’s practically the little sister we didn’t get, and I love her. What I can tell you is that you’re doing the right thing.”

The bottle bobbled and nearly fell out of his hand as Brian sat up in surprise. “What did you say?”

“I said I support you in this. One hundred percent.” Harry grinned at Brian’s shocked look. “What? Did I grow another head?”

Brian shook his head. “I—wow. I thought you’d be like Mom and Dad. I mean, you believe in marriage as a permanent institution, too. So, why? Why are you agreeing?”

“Because I don’t like to see my brother in pain. And that’s what you’ve been these past several months,” Harry told him. “Brian, I love you, and I think it’s better for you to be out of a marriage that wasn’t progressing and maturing. Every time I saw you and Sienna, you were always the one giving and giving and watching her with these eyes that were always full of pain. It hurt to see it.”

Brian was sure his jaw had hit the ground. When had his brother started taking such a close look at everyone around him? When had he, Brian, become so transparent?

“I love you, too, Harry.” His voice was muffled as he hugged his brother, tears burning in his throat. “When did you grow up and become such a wise-ass?”

Harry grinned, glad that Brian had turned what could potentially have started the waterworks into something lighthearted. “When I had to start looking after you. Somebody has to make sure you end up okay after all of this. I still can’t believe you drove twenty five hundred miles away to run from this mess.”

“Yeah, well.” Brian shrugged.

“And that brings up another interesting question,” Harry began. “What’s up with you running to Kelly all the time? Doesn’t the woman have a life and enough problems of her own without having to clean up the pieces of your broken heart?”

“She’s a good friend,” Brian replied simply and had Harry raising a brow.

“A friend? Are you sure that’s all she is?”

Brian choked on the last swallow of beer he’d taken. “Excuse me?” he sputtered, gasping for air. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“I mean, is she one of those rare women who really is just a friend, or is there maybe a possibility of something more?” Harry repeated, smacking his brother’s back to help him breathe. When Brian aimed a dirty look at him, he held up his hands in defense. “Hey, I’m just doing the brotherly thing and asking. It looks like the two of you are really cozy. We all saw you at Shane’s wedding, and she was your date, right?” When Brian continued to scowl but nodded, Harry continued. “So then, all I’m asking is if you have feelings for her other than simple friendship.”

Brian studied the stars for a few moments before turning to Harry again. “The truth, Harold?” Harry nodded. “The truth is, I’m in love with Sienna. I can’t look at another woman as anything but a friend because I start comparing them to Sienna in my head. How is that fair to them, any of them? So no,” he continued, answering the question. “My feelings for Kelly are purely platonic—nothing else.”

“Well.” Harry leaned back and crossed his legs lazily. “I guess you’re going to be celibate for a good long time.” When pain throbbed through his foot, he grinned. “I think I deserved that.”

“You did.” Brian assured him. “Do we have to keep talking about me now?”

Harry lifted a brow. “I think we’d better because I’m not done. Kevin told me you’re working your ass off during rehearsals. Not that that bothers me, of course,” he added. “Because it’s good to know you’re hauling ass in order to make the big bucks you’re making. However, it worries me because Kev says he’s afraid you’re going to land yourself in the hospital for exhaustion. Mind telling me what’s got our cousin so worried?”

Brian knew that look. Harry had inherited the “I know when you’re bullshitting me” look from their mother and used it fully. “Everything’s fine. You know how Kevin is when we’re working. He’s always worried about every little thing that might go wrong. I’m fine.”

“Brian.”

“Harold.”

“Brian Thomas Littrell, would you rather I tell Mom and Dad that you’re overworking yourself, so that Mom will show up to your rehearsals all day to make sure you’re fine, which wouldn’t be difficult, considering the fact that you guys are rehearsing here in Lexington. Or would you rather tell me what’s going on?”

Brian stood and walked to the porch railing and leaned on it. When he felt Harry stand next to him, he sighed. “You know how when you work your ass off all day, you get back home and you’re dead tired? So tired that you can’t even dream, let alone think at night?” Harry nodded. “That’s me. It’s easier to focus on the tour than my life and much easier to let myself get tired to the bone because it means I won’t spend time worrying over what’s happening to my personal life.”

“You sign tomorrow, right?” Brian squeezed his eyes shut. “Brian, I’ve worried about you since the day you landed in the hospital. I was so scared that God was going to take you out of our lives because I didn’t play with you enough or appreciate you enough. I was so grateful to God, the doctors, whoever when you ended up living. Now, you’ve gone through hell and back with this career of yours, and I’m so proud of you. I don’t blame you for wanting to use it as an escape, not when it gives you joy to sing or dance. I just don’t want you killing yourself through it because life’s handed you a bunch of lemons.” Harry sighed. “I also don’t like the idea of you living out here, in this cottage, alone without anyone to keep you from thinking or not thinking or whatever the heck it is you’re doing.”

“I’m not going to kill myself.” Brian was shocked that Harry would consider him suicidal. “Harold, I swear it. I love life, no matter how much it sucks.”

Harry nodded. “Good, that’s good. Still doesn’t mean I’m going to let you off the hook. Tomorrow, you tell Carter that he’s staying with you for the rest of rehearsals. Got it?”

Brian rolled his eyes at the bossy tone. “Got it, I got it. Nick’s going to stay here. Check.”

Harry grinned. “I love bossing you around. It feels like we’re kids again.”

“Oh, you mean we grew up?” Brian looked around. “When did that happen?”

Harry punched his shoulder. “Smartass.”

But he was glad the haunted look had temporarily disappeared from Brian’s eyes. Tomorrow, though…Tomorrow would be a different story.

***

“Thanksgiving is next week,” Sienna said quietly as they entered the building together.

Brian nodded. “I can’t believe it’s November already. This time last year, we were waiting for Luke to make his grand entrance.”

“And grand it was,” she agreed, smiling at the memory. “Anyway, I was thinking about having the family over at our-um, my place. What do you think?”

He stopped. “By family, do you mean your family, my family, or both together?”

“Both,” she replied, hoping that it might make him happy.

“Okay.” He began walking again. “But you don’t have to ask me, Sienna. It’s your home, as you pointed out, and you’re more than welcome to have it there.”

“Right, of course.” She felt foolish. What had started out as a simple gesture of friendship, for she hoped that they’d still be friends, had lashed out at her. Would things ever be simple again between them? “Oh, we’re…here.” She looked up at the sign on the door that Brian had stopped in front of.

He held it open and let her enter before following her in. “Here we go,” he murmured and wished, for the first time in his life, that he’d developed some “rock star” habit that would help him escape from the pain that was building in his chest. Anything would be better than going back home and either facing Nick or lying awake in the dark wondering at what might have been if he’d done something differently.

Within moments, they entered Jordan Keller’s office and sat before his desk. Jordan pulled out two file folders and quietly passed them over. Hesitating a moment before he reached out and took it, Brian opened it and saw the sheets with his name and Sienna’s at the top of the divorce form. The reason listed: irreconcilable differences. His heart sank lower as he skimmed the rest and found that everything was exactly the way he’d requested. He’d secretly been hoping there would be an error somewhere and fixing it would give him extra time to still be wedded. But…no such luck.

“Is everything in order then?” Jordan asked them.

The overwhelming rush that had been building in her throat only let her nod, while Brian just said, “It’s fine.”

“Well, there’s nothing much more to do than sign and, from there, they’ll be filed. I believe your divorce should be finalized in February, but once you’ve signed these papers, you will no longer have any legal obligations to each other. The custody arrangement will also go into effect now,” Jordan explained, looking between the both of their somber faces. Sighing inwardly, he took out two pens and passed them across the desk.

Brian swallowed hard as he held the pen in his hand and stared down at the line marked with an X. All the days and nights spent dreading this moment and here it was. Once he signed on the line, five years of his life would be over—in the past. All the love, the joy, the memories would never come around again.

He looked up at Sienna. “Ready?”

She, too, had seen the X, though it had been blurred through the tears in her eyes. But she nodded. “Yeah.”

Uncapping their pens, they both scrawled their signatures across the paper then exchanged files and signed the witness line. When it was done, both of them stared at their signatures. There they were in black and white, a stark signal of the end of one part of their lives and the beginning of another.

***

Freeze-frame

I’m not about to cry

It’s too late for us to change

Why try?

I’ve got a camera

Tucked away inside my heart

If I’m a loser or just unlucky

So are you

He followed her back to their-her house. Somehow, despite the trembling in his hands and the burning sensation in his chest, he managed to drive safely. When he’d parked in the driveway, he stared up at the house. It held so many memories and so much love, and he wondered when he’d stop considering it home; when he’d get used to the idea that he lived miles away. Alone.

Always alone. He’d started the journey when Leighanne had left him, and he’d had a brief respite from the loneliness when Sienna had stepped into his life and brought him color. Now…now it was over.

Inside, he let his children surround him. Kara, his little firecracker, who was much too sharp to be only two years old; Serena, the sweetest child to ever have toddled across the world; and Luke, precious Luke, who had just learned to walk and nearly plopped on his diapered bottom on his way to Brian.

Brian gathered all three of them in his arms and, burying his face in Serena’s downy dark curls, he let them comfort him. When he lifted his head, his eyes met Sienna’s and the sheen of tears in them as she held a hand to her lips to hold back the sobs. It was useless to wish that he could hold her and offer comfort, but he wished it anyway.

Later, when they were settled into the playroom, Brian turned to Sienna.

“How are you feeling?”

She gave him a small smile. “Not as awful as I did earlier, but not peachy either. You?”

“About the same. Sienna.” He paused for a moment, figuring out what he wanted to say. “You were there for me when no one else was, when I didn’t have the courage to stick up for myself. You gave me that courage when I needed it the most, and, in the last five years, you’ve given me more than I thought possible. Including the three most precious gifts anyone could ever want, dream, or long for.” He looked over as Kara pushed a toy truck across the rug and crashed it into another car. “I wanted to thank you. Despite everything, it’s been quite the ride.”

It took her a moment to find her voice. “Thank you, Brian. And, you’re right, whatever the ending, the ride was incredible. Whatever we have, we made it together.” She, too, watched their children. “I’m hoping that, in spite of everything, you and I can still be friends. The way we were before.”

He twisted the ring he still wore and noted that she wore both rings, too. “I think it’s a good idea. I don’t want to lose you completely,” he murmured.

“Me neither.”

He nodded. “Okay. Okay, then.” He fought back the emotion rising in his throat. “That’s good. I, uh, I guess it’s time for the wedding band to go, huh?” He offered her a weak smile and faltered when he saw the tears slip down her cheeks. “Sienna, don’t. Please, God, don’t cry.”

She swiped them away and shook her head. “It’s done. I know it’s over, but it still hurts. Will it ever stop?” When he didn’t answer, she sighed. “Do you want the rings back?”

“No. God, no. You can keep them and mine,” he told her. “I don’t know what I’d do with it.”

“Keep it. As a reminder,” she explained. “Of what was and what will always be a part of our lives.”

Brian nodded again. “That-that’s good.” He held up his left hand, and his fingers closed around the ring. “Shall we?”

Sienna took a deep breath and took hold of the rings she wore. “I guess it’s time.”

On the count of three, they slid their rings off and stared down at them. Brian wiggled his fingers and stared at the pale band of skin where his wedding ring had been. He wondered when it would fade, when even that last reminder of what had been, would disappear.

“So, that’s that.”

Sienna sighed and rubbed her thumb over the emerald on her engagement ring. “Yeah. That’s that.”

He closed his fist around his ring and slid it into his pocket. “I should get going. Nick’s staying over at my place until the tour starts,” he explained. “And the rest of the guys and Harry are coming over in an hour.” He knelt by his children again and played for a few more minutes before heading for the door.

Sienna lifted Luke into her arms as he began to fuss. “You’ll come by to see the kids tomorrow, right?”

Brian nodded, knowing each time he did was supposed to be easier. “I will.” He turned to step into the hall then stopped. “Sienna.”

“Brian?”

He looked back at her with eyes impossibly blue and unbearably weary. He managed a brilliant smile despite the pain he felt. “Whatever happened, I need you to know I have no regrets. Absolutely none.”

“No regrets?” She fought back the urge to weep again as the memories of all the joyful times they’d been through together flooded her mind. How could she wish them away? Why would she?

“Yeah.” He kept the smile in place until she summoned up one of her own.

“No regrets.”

Not everything is supposed to come true

Some words are best unsaid

Some love is not really love at all

I’ll keep everything I shared with you

And that’s enough

Lyrics from “There’s Us” by Alexz Johnson (possibly future BSB)

***

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