Chapter 2

After many hours and following several lengthy discussions concerning treatment options and possible outcomes, I was finally left to be alone with my thoughts. And of course, I had no idea where to begin. To be honest I don't remember much of what occurred in those hours between getting the news and everyone leaving for the night, other than feeling numb, nauseaous, and completely overwhelmed by the entire situation. I had been ready for everyone to leave so that I could be alone... alone with my fears, worries and my sadness, but at the same time I was also afraid of that lonliness and those feelings. I knew that being alone meant I would have to really think about everything and I didn't know if I was ready to do that. I hadn't been prepared for the cancer and I hadn't been prepared for the surgery, and yet I had somehow managed to come to terms with it in my own way. This however... I was not even the slightest bit prepared for what she had told me. I was not at all ready to lose so much so quickly.

As I lay there in bed that night when visiting hours were over and my friends and family had left without me getting as far as telling them that things were worse than I'd ever expected... I cried, for hours. It was the only way I could think to let out some of the hurt I'd been holding inside, and yet, it didn't seem to make things better.

I thought about our trip to the Hawaii looking over at the photo my friends had left for me on my bedside table. That was where it all began. It was where Nick and I had finally come to the realization that we couldn't spend the rest of our lives without each other. It was where we had spent the most romantic nights of our lives together and it was where he had gotten down on one knee under the moonlight and asked me to marry him. And now, it was so obvious to me that it was where our child, the only child I would ever bare and now clearly lose, was conceived. I would have given anything in that moment to go back to those days and relive them again. If I had known how drastically things were going to change in such a short amount of time I may never have agreed to come home...

~~~ Flashback ~~~

"Nick honey," I said for the third time trying to get my fiance's attention over the roar of the crowded airport. When he finally heard me he turned and leaned in so that I could whisper in his ear, "I'm gonna run to the restroom again real quick, grab my bags for me and i'll meet you guys by the coffee pub in a few minutes, okay?"

"Sure babe, but really? Again? That's the third time since we got here, are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay, I just drank too much water on the plane's all... I'll be back in just a minute, just grab my bags okay?"

He gave me an odd look but nodded and kissed me on the cheek before I hurried off to visit the facilities for the third time since our plane had landed in California only 45 minutes earlier. As I reached the bathroom doors I looked back quickly at Nick standing there, his hands in his pockets waiting and watching for our bags, laughing with Brian and looking so peacefully oblivious to the world around him and asked myself why I couldn't be that carefree. My stomach was in knots and had been all day. I still couldn't believe he'd asked me to marry him, my dreams were coming true and though I couldn't have been happier I had this sinking feeling within me like something bad was going to happen at any moment to ruin my contentment. Was it because we hadn't told Brian yet, or was I just nervous? No matter how hard I tried or how much I thought, I could not put my finger on what I was feeling.

It wasn't until I was standing at the sink in the airport bathroom that the sheer exhaustion hit me head on. I was standing there splashing water on my face, attempting to keep my body from collapsing beneath me when Leighanne stepped out of one of the stalls behind me.

"Girl are you okay?!" Leighanne gasped with a look of concern on her face, "you really don't look well at all."

"Yeah... I umm... I'm just dizzy's all. It... uh... it must be jet lag. I think I need some water."

Although as much as I tried to convince myself that's all it was I knew I wasn't going to make it out of that bathroom without passing out. I could barely slur my words together, my entire body ached with exhaustion and all I wanted to do at that moment was collapse. To make matters worse I began to feel the world was closing in around me and I knew it wouldn't be long before I hit the floor. I asked Leigh if she would go grab a bottle of water and Brian because I was starting to think he would come in handy. Then, as she walked out the door I regretted not asking for Nick, but I thought that it would have looked suspicious. And then standing there in the bathroom I wondered why we were even trying to hide and thought to myself it was no wonder I was feeling so tired keeping all of this bottled up inside. I slunk down to sit on the cool tile floor and put my head between my knees hoping it would stop me from passing out and waited for what seemed like eternity. Several strangers asked if I was okay or if I needed any help and I vaguely remembered saying to someone, "I just need to rest, I'm just so tired."

When at last I finally felt someone touch my arm I was relieved and a bit surprised to look up and see Nick's concerned face peering down upon me, and in the ladies room at that -- though no one seemed to care. He handed me a bottle of water and went to the sink to run a paper towel under some cool water. He returned to my side and placed the towel upon my head and leaned me against his shoulder. Then he melted my heart by looking me dead in the eye and saying in a very serious stern but comforting voice, "I thought you said you were okay... baby, you are definitely not okay."

I looked up into his eyes, so sweet, so loving and at that moment all I wanted to do was to get the hell out of that airport.

"I think I'm just tired... I'm alright now. Let's just go to the hotel."

I only half remember walking through the airport that afternoon, Nick on one side and Brian on the other, the two of them trying to steady me while Leighanne pushed our bags ahead and hailed a cab. I felt horrible and I must have looked it too because both Brian and Nick kept eyeing me as if I were a ticking timebomb and asking me if I was okay or if I needed to sit down and rest. Leighnne decided it would be best to take two separate cabs so that I could "get some air" and I couldn't have been happier when Nick suggested he could ride in the cab with me. I don't remember the ride to the hotel though I'm fairly certain I slept the whole way there, an hour and a half with my head on my fiancee's shoulder. I do remember arriving and having him wake me up to get out of the car and go up to our hotel room. At that point I was feeling well enough to walk up to our room, use the bathroom yet again, shower and get dressed. I was still exhausted, but a little more level headed as I emerged from the bathroom a while later to find Brian, Nick, Leighanne, Kevin and his wife Kristin sitting on the beds waiting for me.

"Hey there... you up for some dinner?" Brian asked still looking rather concerned.

I was feeling a bit better so I agreed and we went down to the hotel restuarant to grab a bite to eat. I didn't eat much at dinner and was asked on more than one occasion if I was feeling okay. At one point Kevin even reached over and felt my forehead noting that I might be "a little warm" before Kristin smacked his hand and told him to leave me alone. By the time dinner was over all I wanted to do was head back to the room and sleep. When we got back upstairs and the guys had left to go swimming -- only after asking at least 20 times if I was absolutely sure I'd be okay and only after I agreed that the girls would stay with me for a while -- Leighanne, Kristin and I settled in to watch a movie.

About five minutes in to the film Leighanne looked over at me curiously, "So..." she said in a somewhat anticapatory tone, "you aren't like pregnant are you? I mean, you're okay right?"

"WHAT!?" I asked shocked at what she'd just asked, "No, I mean, you don't think... I don't... Brian doesn't think I'm... NO I'm definitely not pregnant!!" I finally managed to choke out.

Kristin just sat there staring at me for a second and then she laughed.

"Confession." She said eyeing me sideways, "I was wondering the same thing."

She looked at me and smiled and laughed and told me to calm down they were just wondering since I'd been feeling rough, and tired, peeing a lot -- all signs of pregnancy I was informed. Once I got past the shock of what they'd asked I laughed too. I mean, me, pregnant? I had only just gotten to that point with Nick and well, nope it wasn't possible. We laughed a while longer at the thought and I looked at them, wondering if I shouldn't just go ahead and say it, that we were getting married. That our engagement was my big secret. I mean if I didn't tell someone soon my head would explode for sure.

Leighanne must have sensed that I was bursting to tell them something because she looked at me and said, "Okay Kathryn Grace whatever it is, just spill it!"

And so I told them. I blurted out the entire thing. How much in love I was, how we'd been in love practically forever and how he had asked me to marry him that week in Hawaii.

And the two of them couldn't have been more excited.

"Oh my God! I can't believe you didn't tell me sooner."

"No wonder you're so exhausted trying to hide something as great as that!!"

"Congratulations girl!"

"Now we can plan the wedding!"

"I can't believe you got Nick to settle!"

At that we all cracked up laughing.

It turned out pretty much everyone on the trip had suspected an engagement announcement would be coming soon.

***

Next

Back to index