A 00Carter Christmas
Act I: Twelve Hours Before Christmas
‘Twas twelve hours before Christmas, and all through HimTak,
All the agents were snoozing; even me, with a snack.
Stockings were hung by the dorms with great care,
Even though K really didn’t want them there.
Nick found himself falling asleep easier than normal these days. He wasn’t sure why; nothing had changed much. He blamed the weather — it seemed to make him snooze better than anything else. He’d never been a fan of the cold; it was the reason why he preferred living in sunny Florida or the Nevada desert, where he currently resided. The freak snowstorm that had hit Nevada had made them all suspicious, but after some recon, they had concluded the weather was a legitimate result of a bipolar Mother Nature rather than a weather machine. He’d slept soundly the night before and awakened early that morning, which was far from normal for him. Most agents got up around six a.m., but Nick enjoyed abusing his 00-rank by sleeping in late any chance he could.
Because of this abnormality, Nick finally got up from his snug, warm bed before sunrise, brushing a few fallen pieces of popcorn from his late-night snack off his bare chest. Wearing nothing but red silk pajama bottoms, he walked to his dresser and picked up a red cap with a green bill, which had a sprig of mistletoe hanging from it. He plopped it onto his head and happily bounded out into the hall, which showed his handiwork from the previous day. Despite K’s protests, he had decorated each doorway with a string of garland, a bright red stocking, and a giant candy cane to commemorate the coming holiday.
“Jingle bells, Dr. Rough smells! Drums just laid an egg! The Cartermobile lost its wheel, and damn, FANS got away… hey!” Nick sang as he prowled the hall, armed with more mistletoe to hang outside his Carter Girls’ dorms. He knew they would appreciate an early visit from “Saint Nick.” “Hmm… new song now. Deck the halls with K’s bushy brows! Fa la la la la… la la la la… These pants show how well I’m endowed! Fa la la la la… la la la la… Don we now Jay’s tight apparel! Fa la la, la la la, la la la… For HimTak’s world-saving carol… Fa la la la la… la la la la…”
Despite his Christmas spirit, he couldn’t help but yawn as he hung the final mistletoe above the door leading to Red Jewel’s office. Why didn’t I have a cup of coffee first? he wondered as he stepped back to admire his handiwork.
Suddenly, the door opened, and out stepped Red Jewel, already donning her lab coat over a dark green sheath dress. Nick quickly cornered her against the door. What perfect timing, especially with the way she looked. Nick smirked at the thoughts popping into his head. “Jewel!”
She shook her head, laughing as her fiery hair fell into her face. “Morning, Nick.”
Nick pointed coyly upwards. “Look up…”
Raising a brow, Red simply smirked. “Um… Nick…”
“Saint Nick!”
“Yeah, I’m Jewish, remember? I don’t think mistletoe applies to me.”
“Of course it does! It’s like the law! Plus…” He pointed at the one hanging from the hat he wore. “It’s a double mistletoe, and denying them both can lead to terrible things. It’s like putting a curse on us all!” Nick ran his hands along her arms, his lips getting dangerously close to her neck as he murmured, “Besides, don’t you wanna know what Saint Nick is gonna give you for Christmas? Saint Nick loves all his babies… Jewish or not…”
“Okay, Santa… was I a good girl this year?” Red played along as their lips met. They wrapped their arms around each other, deepening their kiss under the mistletoe until they finally had to pull apart for air.
“Oh yeah, you were definitely a really good girl this year. In fact…”
“Niiiiiick!” Nick turned to see Lancybassy in the frilliest pink elf outfit he’d ever seen. He suddenly regretted not putting a shirt on before wandering the halls when he saw the way Lancy’s eyes lingered on his bare chest. “You’re up early! And looking good, too, I might add! I see you got your beauty sleep.” He winked. Nick cringed, whipping the mistletoe hat off his head before Lancy could come any closer.
His expression changed when he spotted Diamond behind Lancy, wearing an equally skimpy Santa’s Helper costume. Torn between wanting Red, wanting Diamond, and not wanting Lancy, Nick wasn’t sure just what to do.
“Did we interrupt something?” Diamond asked as she approached, giving him a knowing grin. Nick wanted to think she was jealous, but he knew better.
“Maybe,” he answered, glancing back at Red, who had returned to the professional manner that she typically tried to maintain. Damn.
“So, Nicky!” Lancy did a little spin, happily showing off his outfit as the little bell hanging from his hat jingled merrily. “You like?”
Nick made a face, realizing nothing was hidden by the sequined, skin-tight costume his secretary wore. “Do I want to know where you got that?”
“I made it, of course!”
“I shouldn’t be surprised,” Nick muttered as the two beautiful ladies beside him simply giggled at his discomfort. “Well, I’m off to take a nap.” He waved at Lancy, blew a kiss to Diamond, and mouthed “Expect me tonight” at Red before he turned to head back to his room.
“But I thought you just woke up!” Lancy cried in protest as Nick walked away, jamming the cap back onto his head.
Now the agents were bustling all through the hall,
While Diamond and Lancy made plans for the mall.
Jay with his fedora, me with my mistletoe hat,
Had just parted ways so I could take a nap…
On his way back to his room, he passed Agent Jay, who was examining his latest fedora. The man had enough to open a store. “Nice hat,” Jay said, nodding at Nick.
Nick grinned. “Thanks!” he replied, flicking the mistletoe. “You too!”
Finally, he made it back to his room and lay down on his comfortable bed once more. Why had he gotten up early? This was far better.
Before he could fall back to sleep, however, he was startled by a large crash coming from the floor below. Nick grinned; there was only one place that could have come from: Professor Pearl’s lab.
When down in Pearl’s lab there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the lab, I ran like a flash,
I tripped down some stairs, but avoided a gash…
That was reason enough to forget the nap. He raced out of his room and down to the level below, where he knew she’d be with what he hoped would be the best Christmas decoration HimTak had ever seen.
He ran into her laboratory, skidding across the floor like he always did. Pearl had threatened to set up an air mattress with his picture on it for him to land on anytime he excitedly ran in there. Catching himself with her main work table, Nick looked around for her and the source of the noise. He spotted Pearl first. She was wearing a cheery Santa Hat with blinking Christmas lights on it and looking up proudly at her latest creation, which was hidden beneath a large sheet. “Nick! I was just about to page your watch.”
“I want one that tells time for Christmas.”
She stuck her tongue out at him, placing her hands on her hips. “Don’t wanna hear it.”
“Come closer, Pearl…”
“Try that mistletoe hat on me, and you won’t like it, Nick,” she replied, smirking. Nick knew she didn’t mean it. “Anyway, you want to see it?”
“Hell yeah! See, when we’re together, we’re geniuses.”
Pearl laughed, her blonde curls bouncing beneath her Santa hat. “And trouble, of course. I have to admit, this was one of your better ideas I put into action.”
“So, come on, show me our brainchild!”
“Alrighty. I give you… the K-Bot!”
And there by the table, I saw standing tall,
My boss, Agent K, not like himself at all,
Decked out like St. Nick while a happy tune blared,
I was shocked when he smiled instead of just glared.
She pulled away the sheet. Before him stood a twelve-foot-tall replica of Agent K. It looked so lifelike, it blew Nick’s mind. It could pass for K, if not for the height or the fact that it was completely decked out in a Santa outfit and matching beard. The K-Bot’s cheeks were rosier, and it had a far happier expression than he’d ever seen on his boss’s face.
Pearl smirked at his amazement. “I know, I’m good. I’m starting to scare myself, honestly. Watch this.” Out came a small remote, similar in style to the one Nick possessed for his Hornet. The K-Bot sprang to life, light appearing in its robotic, green eyes. In true style, it began to shimmy as music played. Then, in a voice that was unmistakably Nick’s, it began to sing.
“K just got run over by a reindeer,
Walking down to HimTak, Christmas Eve.
You may say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Jay now, we believe.
“He’d been driving Santa crazy,
Bossing him around like an old lady,
But the elves weren’t on vacation;
They got revenge with a reindeer named Grady.”
“How did you get that?” he asked in panic, turning to her.
“Hello, I get all the video feed. I happened to catch that number and program it into his song list.” She gave him an impish smile. “Couldn’t resist. Now, let’s set this baby loose.”
Despite the fact that he should have been more horrified at his own parody coming out of the robot’s mouth, Nick laughed and nodded. “Oh, hell yeah. Wait, K’s gonna be pissed.”
“Don’t worry, it has a sensory system; it should be able to spot and avoid K. I say ‘should’ ‘cause, obviously, I couldn’t test that feature without getting caught.” Pressing a button, Pearl sent the robot wobbling its way out of the lab. She and Nick followed, snickering to themselves.
“Remind me to find you come Valentine’s Day…”
“Cupid Jay?”
“Oh yeah.”
The robot caused quite a stir as it sang and danced its way down the halls. With the press of a button, Pearl even made it move backward in a sort of moonwalk to the tune “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.” She and Nick couldn’t stop laughing as they hid behind doors to observe the reactions to their latest prank. From 00-ranking agents to lower-ranking shadow agents and even their secretaries, almost everybody came to check out what was causing such a stir.
“Can you believe this?”
“K’s gonna kill Carter…and hey, that’ll be fun to watch.” Nick rolled his eyes when he heard Emerald.
“This shit is hilarious!”
“K’s gonna bust a vein when he sees it…”
The next voice they heard came from directly behind them. “If only you two used your powers for good…” Nick and Pearl jumped and turned to see Jay just behind them, scoping out the scene Pearl’s new toy had caused. Meanwhile, the K-Bot had started trying to do the Macarena to Nick’s voice singing his version of “Deck The Halls.”
Nick grinned because Pearl had inadvertently jumped back into his arms. Pearl pushed Jay playfully, rolling her eyes as she moved away from Nick. “You scared the crap out of me.”
“Hey, I liked it,” he replied, smirking at her.
She smacked his shoulder. “You perv.”
Jay raised his eyebrows. “You two better get that back to the lab before K gets a load of that.”
“It’s K sensitive.”
“You sure?”
Pearl looked almost insulted as she turned back to Jay. “Of course I am.”
But sure enough, K had spotted the K-Bot as he headed down the hallway, and his face was red enough to match both Nick’s pajama bottoms and Pearl’s hat.
With a look on K’s face so enraged and inflamed,
I had a bad feeling it was me who’d be blamed.
He stared us all down, and the crowd quickly scattered,
Though he called a few back, ones he must have thought mattered.
Jay snickered at the horrified look on their faces and nodded. “What’d I tell you? I’m out.” And with that, he ducked out the back entrance before K got any closer. All the agents who had gathered scattered quickly, like a bunch of pigeons about to be hit by a car.
“CARTER! PEARL!”
They peeked around the corner, both looking at K sheepishly. The vein on his forehead was throbbing. Nick was sure he was going to finally make it pop. Nothing could bulge that much without bursting. Hey, at least I’ll know I accomplished something before he kills me.
“Nick made me do it, K, I swear!” Pearl blurted.
Nick blinked. “Are you kidding me?”
“Sorry, Blondie, but every woman and man for themselves.”
“I need you two downstairs in your lab NOW. But do not think I’m going to forget this.”
The two blonds’ gazes met again before looking back at K, who was beyond fit to be tied at this point, as his larger and jollier robot double had begun twerking to “Jingle Bells.” They were both unsure of whether they’d infuriate K even more by laughing at the insanity of it. Wisely, they kept their giggles to themselves and quickly made their way back down to Pearl’s lab without another word.
“Come Diamond, come Lancy, come Pearl, come Red Jewel!
I’ve got some big news about crimes most cruel!
Come Jay, Leo, and Emerald, I’ll be needing you too,
And Carter — don’t think I’m done dealing with you.”
They found the lab full of people. Apparently, K had called Jay, Emerald, Diamond, Red, Vitruvian, and Lancy down as well. “What is this, an audience for our public execution?” Nick muttered to Pearl as Lancy, still in his festive outfit, wiggled his fingers in a flirtatious little wave.
Once they had all gathered, K nodded. “Now that we’re here and acting like mature adults…” He shot a look towards Pearl and Nick while the others chuckled. K blinked and looked around. “Wait, where’s that damn robot?”
“Well, I used the remote to command it to come down here… but I think it may have a bug in it,” Pearl said, frowning. “‘Cause it started moonwalking again — at warp speed — and singing like one of the Chipmunks. I need to track it down and disable it manually. I would have, but you seemed pretty serious about me coming down here…”
The vein pulsed again. Nick was just proud that it wasn’t he who had caused it this time. “Go… do… that… NOW!”
“But… what about the…”
“Jay’ll debrief you, Pearl. Just get that damn thing to stop before I lose what control I have.”
She raced off out of the lab, and Nick stayed quiet. Maybe if he didn’t say anything, K would forget he’d had a large hand in it as well.
“Carter, don’t think I’m done dealing with you. Now, Jay, will you handle the monitors, please?”
Jay smirked, trying to hide a snicker, and nodded. “Sure.” Displayed on the screen was New York City — or more specifically, Rockefeller Center, with the Christmas tree in all its glory. Nick raised a brow at the screen and saw the others give it the same curious look.
K cleared his throat. “We think… well, you won’t believe this… but we believe FANS is about to make their next move.”
“What are they gonna do?” Diamond asked while texting furiously on her Blackberry.
“We think Dr. Rough plans to steal Christmas.”
***