A 00Carter Christmas
Epilogue
Once more, the audience applauds as Drums closes the book.
“And now, my children, you have heard both sides of the story.”
“And,” Nick adds, “you’ve learned that good always triumphs over evil, as I stated earlier.”
Drums glares at Nick. “Well, anyway, we hope you enjoyed our holiday special. Before we bid you farewell, we have one final surprise for you.”
Nick looks at Drums, who is suddenly holding a large wrapped package. “We do?”
Drums nods. “Well, you know it’s Christmas, and my heart is open wide. Gonna give you somethin’, so you know what’s on my mind.”
Nick’s eyes narrow suspiciously as he backs away, wondering if Drums would really bring a bomb to the taping of their 00Carter Christmas special.
“Take a look inside,” Drums urges him.
Surely, Pearl’s bomb-detecting device would have picked up on the presence of explosives on the set, Nick reasons. Against his better judgement, he steps forward and hesitantly lifts the lid.
“It’s my dick in a box!” Drums raises his arms in triumph, then bursts out laughing at the look of pure disgust on Nick’s face.
“Dude! There are children here!”
“Aw, c’mon, dawg, like Lancybassy ain’t tried to give you the same gift?
Nick scowls. “Well, I know better than to open it when it’s coming from Lancy!”
Drums snickers. “Hell, he’s the one who told me how to do it! One: cut a hole in a box. Two: put your junk in–”
“Drums!” Nick shouts, interrupting him. “Not in front of the kids! Jesus, do you wanna get arrested for public indecency? Now knock it off, and let’s wrap this thing up the right way!”
Drums clears his throat as he looks around at the wide-eyed children who are watching. “My apologies. Actually, I do have one more surprise for y’all: a visit from The Ghost of Christmas Past, here to perform a festive holiday song! Put your hands together for…”
A third man walks onto the set. He is tall and thin with brown hair and a pearly, semi-translucent glow.
“…SHAZAM!”
Nick groans but quickly pastes a fake smile on his face for the sake of the children.
“Oh wow… Shazam!” says Nick with forced enthusiasm. “It’s a Christmas miracle!
The audience applauds again as the children’s eyes light up with delight.
“That’s right, I’m back!” announces the late JC. “You know, the holidays are a time to put our troubles behind us, to let go of old grudges and share the joy of the season with our friends and family. So I’m here to sing a little song with my old pal, Drums.”
“Dat’s right, bro.” Drums slugs JC playfully in the shoulder. “You ain’t nevah had a friend like me!”
“Ebonics!” Nick coughs.
Drums ignores him. “Ready, Shazam?”
“Ready, Drums!”
“Hit it!”
Out of nowhere, a pianist strikes a chord progression on a baby grand tucked in a corner of the room, and Drums begins to hum along. “Mmm…. Merry Christmas… happy holidays…”
A percussionist comes in on the drums as JC joins Drums in harmony. “Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! And happy holidays!”
“Oh no,” Nick groans to himself.
“Ooh yeah!” sings JC. “We been waiting all year for this night… when the snow is glistening on the trees outside. And all the stockings are hung by the fireside… waiting for Santa to arrive. And all the love we’ll show… ‘cause everybody knows it’s Christmas time, and all the kids will see… the gifts under the tree. It’s the best time of year for the family!”
He throws his arm around Drums as Nick looks on in horror. Swaying back and forth, arm-in-arm, they sing in harmony. “It’s a wonderful feeling! Feel the love in the room from the floor to the ceiling! It’s that time of year… Christmas time is here! And with the blessings from above, God sends you his love, and everything’s okay. Merry Christmas, happy holidays! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Happy holidays!”
“Ohhh… Bells are ringing… It’s time to scream and shout!” sings Drums. “And everybody’s playing ‘cause school’s out! Celebrating the special times we share… Happiness ‘cause love is in the air!”
Finally, Nick can’t take it anymore and runs in front of the pair of singers, waving his arms and shouting. The music suddenly stops, leaving Drums and JC dumbfounded.
“Cut! Cut the crap!” screams Nick. “You’re right, it’s time to scream and shout, but that ain’t love in the air; it’s horrible singing. You’re ruining our whole holiday special!”
“No, YOU just ruined our whole holiday special, Carter!” shouts Drums.
“No, I’m about to save it! You want a festive holiday song? Here goes!” Nick takes a deep breath, turns to the audience, and starts to sing.
“Frost grows outside the window… first kiss under the mistletoe…” He pulls Red Jewel onstage and plants a kiss on her lips. “Oh-ohh… oh-ohh…”
Out of nowhere, a band begins to accompany him, the music slowly building.
“Bells chime inside the steeple… open the door, see the people sing… oh-ohh… oh-ohh…”
The studio door opens, and Agent K enters, singing, “And when the snow is falling down, down, down… you know that Santa’s back in town, town, town! That’s when it’s Christmas time again!”
More people enter the studio: Agent Jay, The Rok, and even Dr. Rough dressed in his Santa suit. “La ta, la ta-da-da-ta! La ta, la ta-da-da, it’s Christmas time again!” they chorus. “La ta, la ta-da-da-ta! La ta, la ta-da-da, it’s Christmas time again!”
“I’ve been checking my list twice,” sing Brian and K. “Got plans to give you your gift tonight… oh-ohh… oh-ohh…” Brian waves to Opal Odyssey, who is in the audience.
“Wake up under a lit tree,” Jay joins Nick in harmony. “One wish that came true, you’re here with me… oh-ohh… oh-ohh…” Jay blows a kiss to Emerald Ecstasy, also in the audience. Nick does the same to Diamond Divine. “And when the snow is falling down, down, down… you know that Santa’s back in town, town, town! That’s when it’s Christmas time again!”
“La ta, la ta-da-da-ta!” they all sing. “La ta, la ta-da-da, it’s Christmas time again! La ta, la ta-da-da-ta! La ta, la ta-da-da, it’s Christmas time again!”
Then the music slows down for Dr. Rough’s sexy solo. “And when the snow is falling down, down, down…” he croons, wiggling spirit fingers in front of his face.“You know that Santa’s back in town, town, town! That’s when it’s Christmas time again!”
“La ta, la ta-da-da-ta!” the others chorus as Nick sings, “I’ll give you, I’ll give you, my heart!”
“La ta, la ta-da-da, it’s Christmas time again! La ta, la ta-da-da-ta! La ta, la ta-da-da, it’s Christmas time again!”
“I’ve been bad, I’ve been good, I’ve been everything I should,” sings Nick, winking at Professor Pearl.
“…It’s Christmas time again!”
“I’ve been bad, I’ve been good, and you know that I do what I should.” Nick pretends not to see Mr. Lancybassy, who’s blowing kisses at him from the audience.
“…It’s Christmas time agaaaaaaain!”
As the song comes to an end, the audience leaps to their feet, applauding loudly while the children cheer. Nick, K, Jay, Brian, and Dr. Rough take a bow while Drums and JC stand in the background, looking defeated.
“Now THAT’S what I call an end to our holiday special!” says Nick with a grin. “Merry Christmas to all…
Everyone chimes in: “…And to all a goodnight!”
***