Episode 14: In the Wink of an Eye
Part 1
Lancy loved Tuesdays. At 0814 each week, he strolled through the halls of HimTak HQ dressed in his Tuesday best (today’s wardrobe featured a stylish yellow plaid suit with a plum button-down beneath it) while carrying a coffee tray with three piping hot coffees.
Now, unlike Lancy, pretty much everyone else detested Tuesdays; they sent the whole building into a frenzy. Especially the rule that everyone — from his fellow secretaries up to K himself — had to be on the premises at 0800 (unless they were on a mission, of course).
But not Lancy; he just loved Tuesdays. Back when he first started at HimTak, he also dreaded his time with Grasshopper on Tuesdays… until he met a local flyboy at a quaint diner in the nearby town of Rachel. Each week, they met at their rendezvous point where HimTak’s HQ intersected with the base. Unfortunately, their coffee dates often left Lancy late for 0800. Luckily, he struck a deal with the security guards: if he brought a coffee to share and made it back by 0810, they looked the other way. So Tuesdays quickly became venti mocha cappuccino plus one request day. Then it became venti mocha cappuccino/venti pike plus one day. Then it became venti mocha cappuccino/venti pike/Instagram-worthy coffee plus one day. Thankfully, his coffee cutie didn’t mind the extra orders, and their trysts continued. After dropping off today’s request (a simple skinny hazelnut caffe latte) when he returned at 0810, he carried on with his morning.
“Lancy!”
“Good morning, Lancy!”
“How are you, Lancy?”
He loved the excited twitters of everyone he passed. Normally, he would stop and ask each employee for updates about their days, families, or hobbies. But on Tuesdays, he had a strict schedule, so he simply waved and said hello as he passed.
At precisely 0822, Lancy made it to the second event on his schedule: the secretary meeting. After instituting venti mocha cappuccino day, Lancy’s second order of business had been creating the Secretaries Club — and presiding over it, of course.
“Good morning, everyone!” he exclaimed when he entered the break room, or as he liked to call it, the cantina. Though the agents barely ate there, it was the hottest place to be when you were at HQ. Anyone who was anyone went there in their downtime. As several heads turned in his direction, he beamed, basking in the glow of the attention. They were usually all there for at least ten minutes before that, but Lancy would never apologize for being late to his own meeting.
A hurried mousy woman with a large haphazard bun of dark hair pushed past him, clutching what seemed like several reams of paperwork with a boring coffee precariously balanced on top. Lancy frowned as he stared after her. Gwen’s just no fun at all, he thought. K always kept the poor busy woman rushing somewhere, so she never had time for the Secretaries Club or much of anything besides work. But that’s probably why her hair was so big; it was full of secrets. If only she’d let me tidy up her hair, Lancy lamented, since hairdressers learned all the best secrets, and she definitely needed one.
“Lancy! You finally brought me one of your good coffees!” a high-pitched voice squeaked as a hand reached for one of the coffees on the tray.
After shielding the coffees, Lancy dodged away, carefully masked as a graceful pirouette into a seat beside him. “Sorry, Serena, just the usuals today.”
“But Lancy!”
Grasshopper’s newest secretary hardly matched the man (and barely looked like a Serena with the big bow headband in her blonde hair), but they never did. While her gossip game was on point (since, like many of Grasshopper’s secretaries, she found anything to do besides her job), she was too selfish to be a good friend. Obviously, since she rudely tried to take one of Lancy’s coffees. She’d actually originally been assigned to Pearl, but of course, Pearl wouldn’t put up with her perky best besties act.
Actually, Pearl didn’t put up with any of the secretaries or interns she’d been assigned. Sometimes it took longer, but they all eventually ended up in one of two places: reassigned to another high-ranking staff member or wiped of their memories and away from HimTak. Lancy liked to think he would have been the exception, but he still felt grateful to have started with Grasshopper… just in case. The current model — a clumsy girl named Tara — was nothing to write home about. She definitely wouldn’t last long; Lancy hoped she would end up somewhere nice after having her memories wiped, but you never really knew what happened to people once they left HimTak, and Las Vegas offered several unique careers.
“He told you no, Serena. Hopefully, you don’t argue with 004 like that.” An attractive woman with sleeves of tattoos peeking out from under the long, sheer sleeves of her black shirt sat beside Lancy. He’d originally been a little scared of her because of her intensity (more than he’d like to admit), but underneath her hardcore outfits, tattoos, and piercings, she was a big softy — just the type that Jay liked. Billie was only the second secretary he’d had the entire time Lancy had worked for HimTak.
While Serena continued to pout, several other secretaries sat at Lancy’s table. Other than Gwen, the only other notable missing secretary belonged to the mysterious 007. Honestly, she was more of a mystery than he was; the only thing Lancy remembered about her was that her name rhymed and sounded a bit ridiculous.
Lancy leaned on the table. “Now, more importantly…” He paused as a wide grin formed on his face. “Who has new, hot gossip to share?”
“Archie, you should say hi to everyone,” Serena cooed as she squeezed the arm of the young red-haired medical assistant beside her.
Definitely too selfish to be a good friend, Lancy thought. He simply couldn’t believe that Archie had been wandering around HimTak with Red, that he didn’t know, and that somehow Serena did. Nevermind that Red hadn’t told him in the first place. He grumbled, quietly enough that no one else could hear.
“Hi, I assist Red Jewel in her medical work.” Archie gave a small wave as he spoke.
“What did you find out about her?” Serena squealed again.
“She reads in her spare time?”
Lancy frowned, thinking that he wasn’t very informative. Maybe Red hadn’t mentioned Archie because the most interesting thing about him was that he existed.
“How often does she have to use it? Just when her car breaks?” a male voice interrupted.
Rather than the hopelessly lost look on Archie’s face, Lancy only felt sorry for its owner. Diamond, while the best friend anyone could have, had a terrible habit of requesting secretaries for colorful eye candy. The newest model, Chris — a beefy, chiseled manly man — definitely fit the description. Unfortunately, several crayons in his box had gone missing. It was really too bad; Lancy would have enjoyed it if Diamond would let him take Chris’ best crayons out of his box to play.
Another male secretary patted Chris’ arm, then handed him a bagel and gave Archie a meaningful look. While Emerald enjoyed the sensitive gentleman aesthetic, the suit, man bun, and groomed beard of her secretary, Phineas, didn’t seem to fit in. Still, in this motley crew, Phineas was a mainstay like Billie (or Lancy himself), whether he seemed like an Emerald choice or not.
Serena stared at Chris longingly, then turned to the blonde beside Lancy. “Who are you?” she asked with a wrinkled nose.
The shy, but sweet, blonde girl sitting beside Lancy glanced at the floor and mumbled her name. After Shazam’s untimely accident, HimTak had his secretary’s memory erased and sent her on her way — a typical practice stipulated in all of their employment contracts. So, a new 00 meant a new secretary.
“This is Kate,” Lancy announced proudly. “Vitruvian’s secretary.” He couldn’t help but smirk at the seething look on Serena’s face at the news, but before she could say anything, he continued talking. “Everyone, be a doll and show her around! Anything else to share before we head to our meetings?”
“Anyone see this new app?” Chris pulled out his phone and pressed a purple icon. After a minute of scrolling, he played a short video for them where he either flexed or put on glasses and said smart-sounding words like “mitochondria.” Each time he flexed or spoke, he winked. He pulled up a second short video of him winking at Diamond.
“Why are you winking in all of them?” Archie frowned.
“It’s called Wink. You post videos of you winking.” Chris smiled proudly.
Phineas patted his shoulder. “I think it’s called Wink because they’re short.”
“Did you see mine, Chris?” Serena cooed and showed a short video of her peeking around a shower curtain and singing.
“Sounds like a sweet duet with your cat.” Billie winked.
“I think she sounds nice,” Kate whispered.
“Oh look, she talks. Go back to your hole, mouse.” Serena rolled her eyes. “Lancy, stop talking shop and tell us about Styx’s S.M.I.L.E. ranking already. He spends enough time with Nick. And it’s not like any of this other news is important.”
It was Lancy’s turn to seeth; Serena was the absolute worst. “Stop rolling your eyes, Serena, you’ll get wrinkles.” Then he smiled broadly at the others. “See you all in the halls!” And with that, he stood with a flourish, grabbed his coffee tray, and looped his arm in Kate’s before skipping away from the cantina.
While Lancy appreciated Serena’s interest in how he ranked his men (their sexiness, manliness, impulsiveness, likeability, and the feelings of ecstasy they gave him), he did not appreciate her putting down anyone else, especially a new employee.
“Thank you,” Kate mumbled quietly.
“Don’t let Serena get to you, hun. She’s just jealous,” Lancy reassured her as he dropped her off at her desk (the one in front of Shazam’s old office and Vitruvian’s current office), then bid her “adieu” with a quick pat on her hand at 0837.
Just steps away, Lancy set the coffee tray on top of his desk, his cozy sanctuary at HQ. Unlike many of the other secretaries who kept random knick-knacks and tchotchkes on their desks, Lancy preferred a simple elegance. First, he fluffed the sunflowers in the cube vase on his desk. Then, he artfully arranged the colorful pens and pencils in his tall, cylindrical pencil cup. Finally, he opened the drawers and began pulling files from within it, and fastened each section with bright rainbow paper clips. After setting them on the desk, he pulled the venti pike from the tray, then sauntered into his boss’ office.
Of course Lancy wanted everything to be perfect for Nick’s arrival, but he also had a secret he’d kept hidden from the eyes and ears around HimTak. Each Tuesday, at exactly 0844, he set the steaming coffee cup on his boss’ desk, then pulled open the bottom right drawer. Beneath the non-descript files that his boss clearly never looked at (the first one of the chunk featured a hastily scrawled 01/02/2007 on it, for instance), the drawer featured a false bottom. After removing that false bottom, the drawer contained only six increasingly mysterious items that Lancy had memorized by heart: a PlayStation, a pistol, a signed Backalley Boys CD, a stuffed pink crocodile about the size of his forearm with several bare patches in its fur and a missing eye, a green journal with dates and what appeared to be song lyrics (one entry from just after Nick went back to fieldwork detailed exactly the kind of bad boy that Lancy hoped his boss would be, could be, and should be), and, finally, a photograph of a younger Nick at the beach with two equally blond-haired and blue-eyed children about his age.
Though Lancy had spent several days analyzing these items, they weren’t the reason he sat under his boss’ desk at 0844 each Tuesday. Beneath all of those items, the drawer had a second false bottom. And this was where Lancy kept his own mysterious journal decorated with Lisa Frank rainbow kittens.
After he pulled it out, Lancy flipped to a page held by a bright pink ribbon, wrote the date, and bulleted a list of the topics discussed in today’s secretary meeting. In all caps, he noted that Archie seemed like he had a secret and that he needed to find a way to get Gwen into his salon. In a square at the bottom, he wrote the coffees he had purchased that day. Next, he reviewed his notes from the last meeting and checked off the items he had already completed: getting Billie a new bottle of black nail polish and updating the S.M.I.L.E. ranking list.
He quickly flipped to the hand-constructed pocket in the back of the notebook and pulled out two pieces of paper. He unfolded the first, a secret he held near and dear to his heart. He brushed his finger along the word D.I.V.A.S. at the top. Possibly more important than ranking the attractive men of HimTak, Lancy also liked to keep a ranking system for his friends, frenemies, and even enemies. But unlike his men, he preferred different qualities in his friends. Of course, they needed to be stylish and audacious, two of his own best qualities. And because Lancy loved living his life with zeal, his friends needed to be equally vivacious. Naturally, gossip was an important part of his day-to-day, so being informative was prized. And last, but not least, he liked his friends to be devoted just like he was to them.
Some D.I.V.A.S. of note included:
- Diamond — 45 (10/9/9/7/10) (The only one on the list to receive any tens, naturally, as they were best friends.)
- Red Jewel — 36 (9/7/7/6/7) (Extremely devoted, but not very audacious.)
- Pearl — 40 (9/8/8/8/7) (Whose style for others was on point, but whose personal style left something to be desired.)
- Emerald — 32 (5/3/7/9/8) (While quite audacious, she just didn’t gossip and bond with Lancy enough for his liking.)
He ran his hand down the page, passing by many current and former secretaries until he reached a blank line and added “Kate.” Unlike his men, he liked to ponder on the ratings for his friends. And whatever she would rank now, those scores would only improve by spending more time with Lancy. With a quick pinch of his fingers, he folded the paper again and placed it back in the pocket.
Next, he opened the second piece of paper, the official S.M.I.L.E. ranking list. He rewrote this one many times, so he always had an up-to-date list of his rankings. At the top of his list were all his favorite tall, blond, and gorgeous men separated by a point or less:
- Nick — 40 (9/8/7/8/8)
- Brian — 40 (8/9/6/9/8) (His Southern charm was simply too much for Lancy to resist!)
- Vitruvian — 39 (9/9/5/8/8) (While Vitruvian excelled at many things, he was absolutely not impulsive enough for Lancy’s liking.)
- Chris — 38 (9/9/5/7/8) (Diamond’s secretary, while not very bright, was very tall, blond, and gorgeous)
Drums — 38 (9/8/6/7/8)🙁 (Lancy couldn’t bear to remove Drums, even with everything that happened, so he simply crossed his name out each time he rewrote the list.)- Jay — 37 (7/6/9/8/7) (There were times Lancy wondered if he should try ranking Jay on the D.I.V.A.S. scale instead.)
- K — 34 (8/9/4/5/8) (Though manly K may have been the exception to Lancy’s preference for blonds, he was simply too scary and methodical to rank any higher.)
- Styx — 34 (7/8/6/7/6)
The way everyone gossiped about Styx’s place on the list made Lancy giggle. They had to know that tall, dark, and handsome just didn’t fill him with as much ecstasy. And besides, his boss had never moved from the top spot since that first day he saw him sparring, back when he was just Spiky. It was a dream that they got to work so closely together. Lancy would never forget the day K had finally given him the greatest promotion ever (anything was a promotion from his old boss, even to a lower-ranked agent — especially one with a solid 40 in the S.M.I.L.E. system). Grasshopper had simply said, “When the sun rises, all baby birds spread their wings and soar.” Now, Lancy didn’t understand what it meant, but he couldn’t help but think that the old, confusing agent was proud of him.
A melodic sound jolted Lancy from his nostalgic reminiscing. While he couldn’t hear the exact words, he knew enough about his favorite agent’s mannerisms to know that his boss sang as he walked down the halls. Lancy glanced at his silver Patek Phillippe, confirming that it was only 0852. Why is he here so early? Lancy thought as he quickly closed his journal and placed both false bottoms back over their contents. Eventually, the words became loud enough to hear.
“The way you shake, shake, shake, shake that ass, it makes me wanna come, come, come get it fast… You got me thinking ‘Damn!’ I wanna take you back home with me…” The voice grew louder as its owner entered the office.
The words made Lancy’s heart flutter and pulse race as he imagined what might happen if Nick would come, come, come get it fast when he shook, shook, shook, shook his ass. He fanned himself as his face began to flush and the urge to announce his feelings took over him.
“This club is so h–aaigh!”
Nick’s song became a grating and unexpected shriek as Lancy jumped up from beneath the desk and exclaimed, “Any time you want!”
Unfortunately, his attractive and startled boss — who could surprisingly hit the high notes — only responded to Lancy’s suggestion by clutching his chest and hyperventilating. After catching his breath for a few seconds, Nick simply shouted, “Lancy!”
After a second quick glance at his designer watch, confirming that it was still only 0853, Lancy brushed off his yellow plaid jacket and held out the venti pike from the desk. “You’re early; looks like K’s finally rubbing off on you! Ready to go to the meeting?”
Nick glanced away, remaining frustratedly silent. Lancy couldn’t help but wonder if it was something he said. After several agonizing moments, Nick took the coffee and frowned. “It’s just 00s again this morning, Lancy.”
Lancy scrutinized his face, convinced that his favorite 00 was hiding something. Really, he just hated being left out. Lancy sighed mournfully.
“Di and I will catch you and Chris up after the meeting though.” As Nick spoke, he patted Lancy’s shoulder. A shiver of ecstasy ran up Lancy’s arm and he beamed again, momentarily forgetting his disappointment and anything else.
But only momentarily. “Oh!” he exclaimed, instantly regretting that he almost forgot. He quickly rushed out the door to his desk, where he’d set the coffee tray. First, he handed Nick the neat pile of notes on the desk followed by the last coffee — a simple back-to-basics grande caramel macchiato. “Here’s everything about your last couple missions for your reports, and don’t let Di’s coffee get cold. Can you take it for me?”
“Yeah, sure.” Nick tucked the papers under his arm as he smiled, then grabbed the second coffee and left at exactly 0856. As they parted, Lancy couldn’t help but sneak a peek at the 00’s toned butt bouncing as he walked down the hall.
Lancy usually loved Tuesdays, but today was an odd one. No big meeting, no notetaking, no coffee gossip with Diamond! Plus, his boss was suddenly punctual. Wonder why? Lancy thought to himself as he sipped his mocha cappuccino and opened Wink on his phone, unsure what to do with himself until the unusual meeting ended.
***