Episode 5: Bunnies in Black
Part 2
A solemn mood filled the air in K’s office as he sat behind his desk and leaned on his laced fingers. For a moment, he glanced at Jay, who briefly lowered his sunglasses and shook his head as he surveyed the all-female staff gathered in front of them. Red and Pearl sat in the padded chairs in front of K’s desk. Emerald leaned against the doorframe with her arms crossed. Diamond furiously texted on her phone as she sat on the edge of K’s desk.
“I hope this isn’t about the machine gun bra…” Pearl rested her chin on her hand. “It’s still got a few kinks.”
“No, nothing like that.” Jay leaned against K’s desk and frowned, scanning the women again before handing each of them a folder.
“So it’s a new mission?” Pearl scowled. “Couldn’t I just stay in my lab? I have to work out the kinks in the bra, and then there are a few other projects I’m behind on…”
Jay pushed his shades back up the bridge of his nose slowly. “No, we need you on the team. Unless you want an assistant?”
“Like I’ve said a hundred times, I don’t need an assistant or secretary. They’re a total waste of time.” Pearl crossed her arms and turned to Red. “It’s been a while since you’ve been on a mission, too, right?”
Red stared at the folder on her lap. “The last time I was here, someone was trying to poison the water supply.”
Pearl loosened her arms slightly. “The microbes, right?” She turned back to Emerald. “Where were you then?”
“Am I supposed to memorize your missions and mine?” Emerald shook her head. “You’ve got to be kidding me. If I wasn’t there, I don’t remember it.” She glanced at Diamond and rolled her eyes. “We’re over here, Barbie. The sooner you pay attention, the sooner we can go.”
Diamond glanced up from her phone. “I asked Nick about his mission, and there’s a lot, but at the end, he asked me to summarize it for you, K. He and… Yokel Tim McGraw?” She frowned, then cringed at K’s increasingly furrowed brow. “…Whoever he’s with that you obviously know… are back at McMurdo Station waiting for their flight. The laser was a piece of shit… he has a folder you’ll want to see… and Backwoods Blake Shelton…” She sighed. “That’s the same person again… I’m sorry, I don’t know who this is. He should have had Lancy update you. Anyway, he’s a virgin who can’t drive a boat… okay…” Diamond paused for a moment to type. “Hang on, I’m asking him for only the important details minus the insults.”
“Diamond, this really isn’t–” K started.
Her phone dinged loudly. “Oh, cute, he saw a penguin doing the moonwalk.”
“He saw what?!” Pearl practically jumped from her chair as a devilish gleam filled her eyes. “I want one.”
“Pearl! A lab in Nevada is a horrible place for a penguin.” Red held her hand against her forehead, shaking her head, then set her hands in her lap and turned back to K. “I have a lot to do in the infirmary. The drug closet is a disaster. Can we–”
“The folder is really important,” Diamond repeated. “And… oh…” She knitted her brows and stared at her phone for a moment before looking up with a smile. “Did you know you can use a penguin as a toboggan?”
“Is 008 high?” Emerald snorted. “K, this is ridiculous. Just tell us the mission already.”
After typing a quick message, Diamond’s phone dinged again. She read aloud, “Skater Boi is still waiting for you in Canada if you hurry, Avril.” After a third ding, her smile brightened. “Oh! Lancy invited me to lunch. Can we make this meeting quick, pretty please?”
“LA was made for beach bums like you and 008,” Emerald grumbled under her breath.
K cleared his throat, and all eyes in the room focused on him.
“Hey, great segue. Speaking of LA…” Jay chuckled. He pressed a button on top of K’s nameplate. The upper edge flipped open, and a small metal arm popped up, then slowly unfolded, eventually unfurling a small projection screen. A second metal arm unfolded from the first, releasing a palm-sized presentation remote. Next, a tiny projector popped up from the arm of Red’s chair.
Momentarily startled, the folder in Red’s lap fell to the ground. She chuckled as she picked it up. “You really did put all sorts of technology in this office, didn’t you?”
Pearl smirked. “You should see what the ceiling fan does.”
“Shoots missiles, Pearl?” Emerald asked with a wry grin.
“You wish. Actually–”
K cleared his throat again. When all eyes turned back to him, he leaned back in his chair. “So… you all heard about the situation yesterday. Jay typed up a summary of the… incident… for each of you, which you will find inside your folder and on the screen.”
A summarized version of K’s previous debriefing flashed across the projector screen as Jay clicked the remote.
“Red–” Pearl started as she leaned toward Red’s chair.
“Don’t worry. I’ve had a day,” Red interrupted, closing the folder in her lap.
“Okay, but–” Pearl pressed.
K raised his hand, silencing the conversation. “What’s more important is that this hasn’t gotten out.”
Emerald uncrossed her arms. “The wife is dead, and the husband thinks she never existed. How could it get out?”
“It’s bigger than this one incident.”
“What, like Vegas strip clubs?” Emerald smirked. “Invasion of the one-night stands?”
“You’re on the right track,” K answered.
“What’s in LA?” Red frowned with her gaze fixed on the closed folder, imagining repeats of her nightmare scenario in hundreds of hospitals.
“008 and Barbie at a beach shack.” Emerald smirked with a shrug. “Just spill already, K.”
“Beach commerce is really important.” As Diamond spoke, she continued texting. “And besides, there’s lots of great things in LA. Rodeo Drive, the walk of fame, Michelin star restaurants, swanky resorts, Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, the Playboy Mansion…”
“Only you would think the Playboy Mansion is great.” Emerald rolled her eyes.
Jay glanced at K again, but both men remained silent.
Diamond’s phone dinged. “Nick said he wants to come. Anything to get him out of that puffy white coat after Labor Day and into something more fun.”
“I’m impressed you sleep with that fashion faux pas.” Emerald laughed. “How could he even consider wearing white after Labor Day, especially when he’s in Antarctica!”
Diamond rolled her eyes and turned to Pearl. “Can we possibly get me a phone with a QWERTY keypad? I’ll find something cute in LA you can fix.”
“After I finish the machine gun bra.” Pearl laughed, then turned back to K. “So do you really need me for this beach mission if Blondie wants to come? I’m not interested in prancing around in a bikini.”
“It’s not really a 008-friendly mission.” Jay grimaced.
“Why wouldn’t Nick be a good fit for an LA mission? He has the right look.” Red frowned.
“Sure does!” Diamond grinned. “So many fun missions with Nick. I’m so lucky!”
“If anything, the rest of us are lucky you took blond Keanu Reeves off our hands.” Emerald laughed.
K cleared his throat.
Pearl crossed her arms and furrowed her brow. “If Nick can’t go and we’re not supposed to like it, then it’s probably something misogynistic where it has to be female employees…”
“I’m not dressing up as a wannabe heiress, K! Make 008 dress in drag if he wants to go so badly!” Emerald stormed toward K’s desk and slammed her hand against it.
“Don’t worry. You’re just undercover bunnies.” Jay clicked through to the next slide.
“Like full-body mascot suits?” Diamond asked. “It’s September, K…”
“More like lingerie.” K laced his fingers together. “Jay will be donating you as prospects to the Playboy Mansion.”
“Repeat that.” Emerald leaned toward K until she was inches from his face.
“You’ve gotta be kidding me, K!” Pearl leaped to her feet.
“Am I going through shock?” Red asked. “I swore K just said Jay would donate us to the Playboy Mansion while we’re wearing lingerie…”
“How undercover is this?” Diamond asked. “Are we trying to be Hef’s next girlfriend squad or just dressing up for a few days?”
Emerald slammed her fist into the desk. “Jay, I’m not touching no nasty ass! And if you think I’m gonna take shit, I’ll tell you right now, I’m not.”
“Honestly, you’ll probably never see him.” Jay shrugged. “We just need to investigate Jim’s claim, among other things…” He clicked the remote, and a new slide popped up on the projection screen featuring headlines like “I Gave Birth to an Alien Baby” and “Abducted by Seductresses.”
“K, these are just tabloids. The stories are crazy all the time.” Red frowned. “What does this have to do with medicine?”
“It’s possibly a mutated gene or virus.”
“That would take months to figure out!”
“Or weird nanobots.” Jay shrugged.
“You’re kidding!” Pearl exclaimed.
“Could be dangerous.” Jay winked at Emerald.
Though she remained silent, Emerald rolled her eyes.
“And we need a pop culture expert.” K motioned to Diamond.
“I’m totally in as long as no one gives me this weird nanobot STD.” Diamond flipped her phone closed. “We can all get ready to go together! I’ll help you all pack!”
“Glad you’re on board.” Jay chuckled.
“I’m only on board if you’re our sex slave, Jay. We can donate you as a pool boy.” Emerald sneered.
“Someone has to run surveillance outside.” Jay shrugged.
“Can we at least take the jet? To get this over with?” Red asked.
“It’s still under construction. The helicopter is available.” K handed Jay an envelope, then motioned toward the door. “The sooner you go, the sooner you’ll return. Jay has your orders.”
“Everyone pack light. I need room for my big weapons.” Pearl gritted her teeth.
“You’re undercover, why would you need big weapons?” Jay asked.
“For killing things.” Pearl stared at K and Jay intently, then exited the room in a huff.
While Red remained silent, Emerald glared as well. “You’re lucky I’m the best brawn you’ve got.”
“I don’t know how to pack light!” Diamond tabbed through outfit options on her phone. “Can you all just borrow my clothes so I have options?”
“That went better than I expected.” Jay laughed once the women had all exited the room.
“That may not be the case once you get to LA with them.” K chuckled quietly. “Good luck, Rico Suavé.”
Jay laughed harder as he handed K the projector remote. “Save some of those jokes for the mission. I’m gonna need ‘em.”
K wordlessly motioned toward the door, but the smile remained on his face. It was better to take a mission like this light-heartedly.
***
Agent Carter stepped out of the airport, his signature Ray-Bans already in place, and smiled a smile that could stop the hearts of women around the world when he saw his decked-out Hornet, ready and waiting for him in the parking lot. He blared the music over the noise of the rolled-down windows instead of the comforts of air conditioning because triple-digit heat was better than double-digit cold any day.
“God, it’s good to be home,” he said to himself as he passed through the front doors of the HimTak agency headquarters.
And it was good to be back. Good to be back where no one was trying to kill him. Good to be back where there weren’t any penguins, however cool moonwalking ones may be. Good to finally be free of the damned CIA and their dim-witted, pushy, whiny officers trying to tell him what to do. Good to be back where his co-workers loved and respected him. (Well, most of them.) And it was especially good to be back where the women preferred to make out with him as opposed to each other.
With that last thought in mind, Nick walked into the main sector of the HimTak offices and yelled at the top of his lungs, “LADIES! I’M HOME! 00Carter’s back, and he’s saved the world, yet again.”
Nick held out his arms as wide as he could, waiting for the greeting that always followed a long mission, but was only met with an unnerving silence. “Ladies? Angels?”
Nick frowned at the empty office until a pair of arms wrapped around him from behind and greeted him with a high-pitched squeal. “NIIIIIIICKYYYYY!”
“Lancy?” he questioned when he recognized the voice that was not nearly feminine enough to be so close to him. “Ugh, get off me!”
Nick struggled to release himself from his affectionate secretary’s grip as Agent 006 entered the hall in workout gear. “Excuse me, ladies, some of us have important missions to train for.” JC laughed as he passed the other two men. “Carter, I always knew you were a little desperate, but the girls haven’t even been gone a day, and you’re already putting the moves on poor Lancy?”
Nick glanced at the man who still had his arms around him, surprised to see him blushing, and glared at Lancy until he jumped a safe distance back. Then he turned his attention back to his fellow agent. “Fuck off, ShamWow. What do you mean the girls are gone?”
“K sent them on a mission to Los Angeles.”
“All of them?”
“Yup, without you.”
“Looks like he sent them without you, too, dumbass. I was off saving the world; what’s your excuse?”
“Saving the world? I heard you actually almost got yourself killed and blew up half of Antarctica. Emerald said the CIA guy saved your ass.”
“She said what!? That bitch!” Nick yelled and then turned his attention to Lancybassy. “Is that what you heard?”
Lancy hated to upset his favorite HimTak agent, but the version he’d heard wasn’t really that far off, so he just shrugged as he glanced at his feet. “But Pearl told me you almost got Drums this time,” he added optimistically.
“Yeah, way to drop the ball there too, 008,” JC laughed. “Is that twice now, or three times you let him get away? Maybe we should just call you Butterfingers from now on.”
Lancy’s eyes widened in horror at the comment about Drums, and he stepped to the side just in time to escape getting pounded as Nick grabbed JC and threw him against the wall. So angry he couldn’t speak, Nick raised his fist, deciding a beating was the best option at the moment. Just before he could throw his fist into JC’s face, a hand cupped his, forcing it to his side.
Nick turned with a huff to see the soft, soothing smile of his superior, the ever-wise Grasshopper, meet his rage head-on. “Careful, young grasshopper,” he advised, pulling him away from his scared co-worker. “In times of crisis, it is better for a man to think like a fish and build himself a nest of bubbles.”
Nick, JC, and Lancy all exchanged confused looks, but no matter whether they understood his words or not, they knew his meaning, and both Nick and JC gained control of their tempers. Grasshopper smiled proudly and threw his arm over JC’s shoulder. “Come, my son, we must make sure you are prepared before you meet your next mission.”
Nick glared at JC as he walked away, unable to pull his attention away until another hand grabbed his shoulder. “Lancy!” he yelled again. “I told you to get the fuck off–”
Nick whirled around to see Agent K looking at him with critical eyes. “Are you alright, 008?” K questioned, sternly yet sincerely. “Was the last mission too stressful?”
“Of course not, sir. It’s just that jackass, 006.”
“He’s a good agent.”
“He’s still a jackass.”
K looked at the young man with disapproval, covering the fact that he wanted to agree, and quickly turned the focus of the conversation back to Carter. “Have you been to the medic yet? Until you’ve been back in the field for a while, I want you to have a routine psych evaluation after each mission.”
“What?!”
“Just taking precautions, 008. You’re one of my better agents; I can’t afford to take any chances.”
Nick grumbled but then thought of the stunning redhead who was normally in charge of his “evaluations” and smirked at the memory of his last one. “No sir,” he finally grinned, “I haven’t been to medical yet, but I promise to let Red evaluate me quite thoroughly just as soon as you get me to Los Angeles.”
“Nice try, 008, but the only place you’re going is Pearl’s lab, after a visit to the medic, of course. I need you to be my eyes back home this time. I hear you have a folder for me?”
“You’re benching me?”
“Just giving you a break.”
“I don’t need a break.”
“I consider your last mission a success, if for no other reason than you and The Rok didn’t kill each other, but you’re a little high-strung now, and there’s no way I’m putting you on a case that has anything to do with Los Angeles, let alone the Playboy Mansion, and expect you to actually concentrate on the mission…”
“Playboy Mansion?! But!”
“No buts, Carter. You’re not going.”
“That’s not fair!”
Agent K sighed but then smiled at Nick. He respected the young man’s enthusiasm and willingness to work hard, but the kid had a lot to learn about patience. “I needed the girls on this one, Nick. I didn’t have a choice. Believe me, they would all rather trade places with you if they could, but I need you to be their eyes and ears this time.”
Nick rolled his eyes, pouting that he wouldn’t be getting his way, but at least it wasn’t because K didn’t think he could handle it. After handing K the folder and sitting through an excruciating psych evaluation, he eventually made his way to Pearl’s lab, already feeling the boredom of the next few days creeping up on him.
***