Episode 7: Here Ye Be Pirates
Part 3
The water churned beneath the speedboat as Jay captained the craft through the serene waters. Nick and Emerald relaxed in the back as Nick continued singing every song he knew about oceans quietly to himself.
“Jay, next time, we need to pick the speedboat without karaoke enhancements,” Emerald grumbled.
Nick crossed his arms and glared at Emerald while Jay chuckled before turning his attention back to the water.
Shielding his eyes with his hand, Jay pointed ahead. “There’s a ship. We’re in stealth mode until we know if it’s a cruise liner or those pirates.”
Emerald rolled her eyes.
Looming in the distance, the gargantuan ship cast a shadow over the crystal clear water. Beside the ship, the water bubbled, and a large bulbous shape rose from the depths. Nick stared at it intently, wondering what it could possibly be. A shark? A whale? A submarine? As he furrowed his brow, a large spiral shape uncurled from beneath the water, reaching toward the ship.
“Giant squid!?” Nick shouted.
“Keep it down, will you?” Emerald smacked Nick in the shoulder. “You’re seeing things.”
But it was true. A giant squid hovered directly in their path… or at least, something that looked like a squid. Its eyes gleamed in the sunset, blinding the inhabitants of the tiny speedboat.
Nick shielded his eyes. “What do we do now?”
Jay switched off the motor on the boat. “Obviously, we have to get on the ship.”
Nick cracked his knuckles. “Great. Another five minutes on this boat, and we can get away from the blinding mirrors, take down this kraken, and get back to HimTak.”
“Five minutes won’t do it.” Jay shook his head. “We’ll need twenty minutes at least.”
“This boat has a motor; just speed over there and get it on with.” Nick shook his head. “This is ridiculous.”
“This is your mission, 00Carter.” Emerald rolled her eyes. “Don’t you think it would be incredibly moronic to just waltz on over there in a speed boat?”
Nick crossed his arms. “No.”
“Fuck this.” Emerald shook her head.
“So, are we going to swim?” Nick proceeded, “You know, I’m a first-class swimmer, and I could probably get there in–”
“We know,” Jay stopped him. “And fortunately for the rest of us, we have a dinghy.”
“Your smoker’s lungs can’t handle the swim, Jay?” Nick smirked.
“More like my aging body can’t handle it.” He laughed as he removed the dinghy from a storage compartment on the side of the boat. It lay in a crumpled heap of red and black plastic.
“Your twenty-eight-year-old body can’t handle a swim…” Nick stared at Jay incredulously.
“Have at it, 00Carter.” Jay smirked. “It’ll be too much for me with my smoker’s lungs and aging body.”
“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Nick mumbled. “Emerald, you’re pretty good at blowing things, right?”
Emerald crossed her arms. “What was K thinking, sending me along? This is the perfect job for Diamond while she’s waiting for your viagra to kick in.”
Nick rolled his eyes one more time. Damn Emerald for catching on to his jab so quickly and sending one right back.
Jay shook his head. “And you were getting along so well recently.” He fumbled through the pile of plastic and pulled a cord.
The inflatable boat instantly sprang to life.
“It’s like a parachute…” Nick muttered.
“Did you really think Pearl would leave us stranded with a blow-up dinghy?” Jay shook his head. “This is Pearl we’re talking about.” He then pushed the dinghy over the side of the boat. It landed in the water with a small splash. “Jump in, kids.”
“This isn’t summer vacation, Jay.” Emerald shook her head as she hoisted herself over the edge of the speed boat and into the dinghy.
Nick stared over the side.
“After you, Carter,” Jay prodded.
“Your smoker’s lungs probably require a bit more air and time to get over the side than you think.” Nick laughed.
“Get in the damn boat.”
Nick stiffened a little. It seemed like easygoing Jay’s patience was wearing thin. He hopped over the side and landed in the boat with a squeak from the plastic.
“If you pop this boat, so help me God, I will fucking kill you, Carter.”
“We probably have like ten of them in here, Avril.”
“Twenty, actually,” Jay mused as he fiddled with the controls on the speedboat.
“Jay, hurry up; it’s fucking dark.” Emerald crossed her arms as she settled into the dinghy.
Jay pushed one last button before grabbing a small sack and tossing it over the edge into the dinghy. He then turned back to the control panel one last time.
“Did we forget something?” Nick asked.
“Nope, five seconds left,” Jay answered as he hopped into the boat.
“Five seconds left for what?” Emerald asked cautiously as she eyed the dinghy, looking for any water leaks.
At that moment, the ship turned one hundred eighty degrees and headed back the way they had come.
“Auto-pilot. Great invention, isn’t it? Pearl really hooked us up.” Jay smirked.
Nick folded his arms and placed them behind his head as he leaned back to relax. “Nothing to do with the next twenty minutes but sleep, I guess…”
“You sleep?” Jay gave him a small grin. “I had no idea you did that, what with all the world-saving, since you are HimTak’s top agent.”
Emerald burst into laughter. “And when he could be sleeping, the viagra kicks in and he attempts to seduce Diamond.”
Jay laughed with her.
“Lucky for you, you can catch some waves and sleep while the new 009 takes care of your women at home.” Emerald snickered as Nick shot up instantly.
“Avril!”
“Was that too far?” Emerald mused.
“A little.” Jay smirked.
Nick crossed his arms. Fucking Leo Di-Crapio; he even came up on the mission he wasn’t even on! Why was everyone so fucking obsessed with him? Shitballs!
Emerald stared at Jay nonchalantly, ignoring Nick’s pouting. “You know, Nick was right… you do sort of look like a Johnny Depp wannabe.”
“Trust me, I looked like this first. Johnny Depp wants to be me.” Jay grinned.
Secretly grateful they’d moved on from Di-Crapio, Nick sat cross-legged and put his hands in his lap. “We could spend the next twenty minutes coming up with pirate names.”
“Sure.” Jay shrugged as he started rowing toward the kraken. “May as well start now.”
“I wanna be Jack Sparrow!” Nick exclaimed.
“Jay’s the one that looks like Johnny Depp.” Emerald crossed her arms.
“Once again, Johnny Depp looks like me.” He turned to Nick. “I think you’d make a great Smee…”
“Who?”
“You know, from Peter Pan?”
“You mean Emerald?”
“I mean you.”
“Fuck that, I’ve had enough Disney to last me a lifetime!”
“I’d had enough Disney long before that.” Emerald nodded in agreement. “But a bumbling Smee sounds good for you.”
“I wanna be captain!” Nick whined.
“Well, since I’m 003, I think that automatically makes me captain.” Jay paused. “Captain Jack Sparrow… No, Captain Jack Daniels.”
Nick snorted.
“Hey, I don’t drink it anymore. At least let it be my name!” Jay pleaded teasingly.
“I guess that makes me Absinthe the Wench then,” Emerald laughed.
“Why Absinthe?” Nick cocked his head.
“Emerald Ecstasy… The green fairy…” Emerald shook her head. “Plus, Jay’s name is an alcohol anyway, so it’s only fitting.”
“I wanna be Blackbeard!”
“You don’t have a black beard…” Jay laughed.
“Fine! Blondbeard!”
“You don’t even have a blond beard,” Emerald laughed with Jay. “You can be Long Island Iced Tea. Too much of you and everything’s a disaster.”
“What is this, ‘Make Fun of Nick’s Pirate Names’ Day?” Nick hoped his deflection wasn’t painfully obvious.
“Dude, you don’t have a beard,” Jay replied flatly.
“Well, unlike some agents, I don’t wanna look like a grizzly.”
“I’m a real man. I don’t shave, and definitely not my chest hair… like one certain agent in this boat.”
Emerald began cracking up at Jay’s obvious cracks at Nick. He deserved it every now and again, especially when he ignored hers.
“I don’t shave my chest hair!”
“That’s because you don’t have chest hair to shave.” Emerald couldn’t help but get another crack in at Nick’s expense.
Nick scooted into the corner and fumed as he pouted. Their jokes had finally gotten under his skin.
“Well, this is going to be a long trip.” Jay chuckled before tossing the sack he’d grabbed in Emerald and Nick’s direction. “May as well put on your costumes now.
Emerald dug through the sack and produced a green dress. “How’d you know?” She rolled her eyes.
“Emerald Ecstasy… Absinthe Wench… green… It’s only fitting,” Jay answered, chuckling again.
“So, what do we know about the sub?” Nick asked, ignoring the sack with outfits.
“It looks like a kraken?” Jay shrugged as he continued rowing.
Nick fumbled in his pocket for his heat-sensing Ray-Bans. He found them surprisingly quickly and slid them on his face.
“It’s a little dark for sunglasses, don’t you think?” Jay asked, grinning.
“Oh, you’re one to talk,” Nick replied as he rolled his eyes and pushed the button on the rim of the glasses.
Several human-sized forms appeared from within the kraken. The bulbous bottom of the submarine streaked with infrared, indicating the likely location of the engines. Little else could be seen through the glasses, but at least confirmed the submarine’s general size. Nick turned off the heat sensor and slid the glasses up into his hair; they rested carefully on his head.
“Well, from what I can tell, the body serves as the main hub since there’s a lot of people inside it. Probably at least twenty.”
“Makes sense.” Jay nodded.
“The blinding eyes are probably tinted-mirror windows. That would help create the illusion of a giant squid, especially at night.”
“And what are the tentacles for?” Emerald asked.
“I don’t know…” Nick paused. “Movement… maybe missiles? Can’t really tell for sure until the thing leaves one place…”
“Well, then…” Jay started. “Arg, mateys, this vessel be ready for boardin’.”
Emerald stared at Jay. “You have got to be fucking kidding me.”
“Well, yeah.” Jay laughed. “Get your costume on, 008!”
“Oh, you’re one to talk.” Nick rolled his eyes.
“Would you speak to your captain that way in a normal setting?”
“Agents K and Jay? Do it all the time.”
“You can’t win with him.” Emerald laughed.
“I know that.” Jay shook his head and tossed Nick’s costume at him. “Let’s board this ship and get this over with so we can go back to HimTak.”
Nick smirked. “Sounds good to me.”
***